Quote:
Originally Posted by confused555
My mom has been in and out of my life. Through counseling I have realized I was always afraid if I did something wrong my mom might not come back.
...
He was a controlling abusive father and husband
|
Poor you, Confused, you must have grown up feeling abandoned on both sides
No wonder the thought of "losing" your wife (being abandoned by her) distresses you so much.
No wonder, either, that you're pulling out all the stops to be nice & good ... in hopes that this will bring her back to you. Just like that little boy thought his mom would come back if he was good.
You may well have made a controlling husband. Even when we decide to be different from our parents, they are still the only role model we had; we can't magic a better model out of nowhere. We can, however, make the effort to
learn different ways in adulthood - like Raymond, me, 1AOK and many others here. This you have done. I commend you wholeheartedly!
Nobody who asks themselves "Is it loving?" - and who acts for the positive reply - could be labelled controlling. It's a vast part of the recipe for a perfect spouse!
Well done, you.
I think you need to accept that you ARE doing the right things. Yes, you may have been "blind" as you put it - now your vision's a bit clearer. You probably have work still to do but don't even think about doubting your progress!
Some of your remaining work is to face the difficult fact that "being good" does not bring people back. There are a million very good reasons for improving our life skills; this has nothing to do with scoring points.
Love is not something given as a reward for good behaviour. It's more complicated than that, isn't it?
There's no way that little boy could make his mum come back - she had her own problems, which a were out of a child's scope. But the child would feel like he was being punished by her.
Part of being loving - as an adult - is to appreciate that others
do have their own problems, which can affect us even though we didn't cause them. Your wife's grief, after suffering through her father's horrific illness, is one of these. You can support her with gentleness but you can't make it go away - and are not responsible for it.
If it feels like she's abandoning you through grief, so be it. It's harsh but there it is. She's NOT punishing you - you know that; you're no longer a little boy. She is, undoubtedly, playing out some emotional drama of her own but this is not your responsibility.
You have responsibilities to yourself and your children. So does she, though she seems incapable of stepping up to them at the moment. By all means give her time and space. But don't assume you have to roll over to her every demand and accusation - that's how a little boy might think, not the adult male you now are.
How often do you say "No"?
What's wrong with "X is not acceptable because ..."?
When she says you're being controlling, do you excuse yourself? Don't. If you must respond, say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then leave it.
Thank you for sharing this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused555
I would say things like it costs $100 every time you go in gas and food. I would tell her that the kids need a normal routine and fun in their lives and you keep going up there and spending every weekend in a hospital. I would try and guilt her into not going.
|
Have you realised that your objections were passive-aggressive? That is, even when you were controlling her (quite meanly, as you say) - you did not do it assertively? You did it sideways, manipulatively and without clarity. In fact, clarity looks like a quality sorely lacking in the both of you.
I believe you're very capable of maintaing clarity - and assertiveness - in all of your communications now
Your counsellor will help. Give it a go, please!
I feel you'd be quite justified in expressing concern about her
secrecy around the relationship with the other woman. If you hope to go forward in any helpful way as a family, you do need clarity between you. Likewise, it's impossible to plan a calm separation - in two weeks' time! - when the goalposts keep moving. Arrange to meet with a family mediation lawyer if you have to, but please make sure your wife understands she cannot keep pushing & pulling you around like this.
I appreciate that she's going through a very distressing phase of her life - and do feel she deserves sympathy - however,
she is behaving like a child in a tantrum, and one of you needs to be the grown-up here.
Confused, you might lose her to her strange friend ... for a while, or forever; that depends so much on how all of you progress from here. You, meanwhile, have your own interesting life to live and your children to look after. I really feel you must clarify your responsibilites
and their limits.
This will be quite a test of your new, un-controlling, life skills! Accept responsibility.
Set boundaries. Realise not everything is under your control, and stick to a fair plan. Good luck.
AG x
ps: Just seen the other fabulous replies above
You're certainly well supported, Confused. You can do this! Go!