Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th November 2009, 01:59 PM   #31
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

This is something I wouldn't dare to think of but it is an angle. 1Okgal doesn't go by half measures. She is usually very right or very wrong. Whats to lose to check it out? It would be a possible answer to the confusion on this thread. If it is that you are certainly being taken for a ride confusion. One needs so much wisdom on here.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2009, 05:34 PM   #32
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

I wondered about that, too - but didn't want to confuse you still further!

I agree with my bossy pal You do deserve to know what facts there are, and you deserve to live in your own house. 1AOKgal's plan sounds reasonable to me.

As you are so confused, it would be a very good idea for you to prepare thoroughly the points you need to discuss with your wife and the outcomes you expect - prepare as if for a business meeting and, as far as you are able, conduct the meeting with focus and clarity.

So good luck!

AG x
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2009, 06:13 PM   #33
confused555
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 19
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

1aokgal,
My counselor mentioned that the older ladies behavior was courting behavior. It is a weird relationship. I would really like to know her motivations. There is definitely stuff from my past that is causing me to act the way I am. My mother divorced my dad when I was 3 and when the judge tried to award her custody she had to tell the judge she did not want me and my dad got custody of me. My mom has been in and out of my life. Through counseling I have realized I was always afraid if I did something wrong my mom might not come back. I also have these same feelings for my wife. I can’t stand the thought of loosing her, and it’s affecting my behavior.

Raymond,
I don’t understand how I would check it out?

Ag,
I tried the plan the other day, but all I got was I don’t know and if I pushed it I was being controlling.

I certainly choose the right screen name when I started this whole ordeal. I struggle with what to do every day. I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart racing and can’t get back to sleep. The conversations I have with her are always a mixture of hope and hopelessness.

It is good that this has been drawn out over several weeks because I am able to not react to some of her statements and actions. She signed a 1 year lease and is suppose to move in Dec 1st. She told me that the manager told her she could cancel anytime before then. She seemed relieved when the apartment manager told her that. Then on the other hand she was talking about how life would be living in the apartment and how she sees her life in a year and it never includes reconciliation. She has talked how she wants us to get along well after the divorce for the kids. She said I still want to plan their birthday parties together. She said things about how everything we have has been my dream. She said it was me who wanted the house with the yard, and this and that. She said all I ever wanted was to stay married to the same man for the rest of my life.

Her sister told me that my wife told her I was confusing her. My wife told her sister that she was originally set on divorce, but now with all the changes I am making she does not know anymore. I am so afraid that if she moves out it will be over. I can’t do all the nice things I am doing now if she is not in the same house with me. I will do everything I can, but it won’t be the same. I never thought our relationship would end up like this.

My wife said I could go look at the apartment if I wanted. I told her no thank you. It was her decision and I trust her. I don’t know if I should have gone to look at it or not.

My counselor gave me a list of 25 things to decide and work on during a separation to make it more conducive to reconciliation. My wife read it, but when I asked about certain points she got defensive and said I was being controlling. Some of the things were like agreeing to reevaluate the separation every month, agreeing not to date other people, deciding how frequently you will see each other during the separation. List your goals for the separation. I asked her for her thoughts on some of these, and she said I was trying to control the separation. I don’t know what to do. It’s like she is going into this blindfolded and has not made any decisions about what she wants out of the separation. I asked her if she wanted me to contact her during the separation and at first she said I don’t know. Then she said something about no contact other than kid exchange for a month. Then later she said something about getting together at least once a week. The next day she talked like she would still come over to the house to decorate for Christmas and stuff like that. She even said stuff about me staying in the apartment with her.

The “is it loving” is really helping me to be a better person. I am also going through personal counseling and realizing how I got to be the way I am. I have major issues with my father and mother and working on them is painful. He was a controlling abusive father and husband and while I tried as hard as I could to be different than him I ended up controlling my wife in more passive ways. I started to listing to an audio program called “Light her Fire” it is really opening my eyes to what a woman needs from a man to feel loved. I am trying the principals in hopes that she will feel all the love I have for her. Do you guys have any other recommendations?


confused555 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2009, 08:25 PM   #34
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Quite obviously your personal problems are helping to confuse issues. Your childhood doesn't help. A bad start but it doesn't have to be a bad finish. I am living proof of that. My parents divorced even earlier than yours and neither of them seemed to have custody. I grew up in four different orphanages and was sexually abused. With God's help one can gradually overcome. God is a healing God and puts the solitary into families.

You asked how to check it out about what 1okgal said. To be quite blunt a few on here suspect that there may be a possible lesbian relationship (I hope I have got this right) between this woman and your wife. It may not be so but it is worth checking out as it may explain things a bit.

The way you check it out is just to be aware of it. Bide your time ask questions but don't let on in case it goes underground, if it is true that is. Sooner or later if it is true you will know. Who do you think is going to visit her in this new flat? It all may be a red herring but I think it is an avenue to look into.

It sounds to me like she doesn't want a clean break from you but neither does she want a full committal. Could this be a ploy to accomodate the other woman?

On the ecouraging side she is recognising that you are changing and this might be creating a problem for her especially if the thing about the other woman is true, which it may or may not be.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2009, 08:31 PM   #35
Jenn
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 45
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

I hope that your wife realizes the effort that you are putting into this marriage (reading, therapy, and writing on this thread). Perhaps, it's too late...

If my husband were making the efforts your were making right now, we wouldn't have a problem.

You're to be commended!
Jenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th November 2009, 10:02 PM   #36
clockwork orange
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 73
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Dear Confused

I suspected right from the beginning of your thread that what aok says may be true. Speaking as one who has been there. I had an affair with an older woman when my marriage ran into trouble due to my H being emotionally abusive and controlling.

So far, you have pretty much tried all the things he did. Calling day and night till I stopped answering. Expensive presents. Doing the doormat thing. Aok is right. Stand up for what you know to be right. You are the head of the household. Why shoukd you give up your house, your bed etc because she doesn't know what she wants. And if I read it right, she doesn't know what she wants. Assertiveness training would help - that was, after God, the thing that turned us around. He calmly asserted himself, no tantrums, no threats, but a definite sense that he was going to stand up and do the right thing regardless of whether I followed. I was so intrigued that I followed......

Re the possibility of a gay relationship. Sounds like the OW has latched onto your W's emotional distress and made herself out to be the only one who can fix it. I read the story and had a huge deja vu.... The OW isn't a short well-endowed blonde by any chance? Your wife is rapidly becoming emotionally dependant on OW and is unlikely to hear a bad word. You need to prepare to dig in. It may take 2 - 3 years for the cracks in OW armour to appear sufficiently for your W to begin to wonder what she has got into. When it falls apart she will need you more than you can guess. That is the time to put your foot down firmly and insist she break off contact.

The relationship may not be overtly sexual, better if it were just that. The emotional, soulmate type of thing may well be more damaging in the long run.

I agree with Raymond that there are probable childhood issues she needs to deal with. But she won't face them until she hits the bottom. Be patient, stand your ground and be there to pick up the pieces. That is what my H did. It took 2 years for the mess to eventually be over.

I also didn't pick up your W's age. Wondered whether MLC/menopause related to her family tragedy might be a factor.

Hope there is something in that lot that might help

Clockwork
clockwork orange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 05:58 AM   #37
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

jellybean28,


The world is a different place and sometimes things are right under our noses but we are too close to see it or too naiive to see it.

I will tell you a little personal story. Years ago I hired a woman to work in my small office as a cpunselor. She was married with a teen daughter. She had been in the military and knew how to deal with some crusty ex-military men. Many of my clients needed this approach. I was too fussy, feminine in some ways. My perfect fashion plate look could turn off a guy who worked under a car and talked shop so I needed her expertise and approach. I wanted a person with no-nonsense approach. Since I shared the space in my small office I thought a woman would be good choice. She was also ambitious and tough..perhaps a bit masculine which made her great choice for this counselling/sales position. Since we worked in close proximity, she saw me a bit upset over the "home front" more than a few times and became quite supportive and kind. Let us say I didn't share all my life with an employee but women can blur the work line with similar problems and lives. She also "courted me" with attentive kindness and help in my business.

Well, over a period of some months she was in love with me. What I took as friendly, sharing became more serious until she professed herself. I was then into the 4th year of my purely sexless marriage of 14 years . That was perhaps 12 years ago. I never looked better and kept myself svelte and well dressed. What was funny was that my husband is a jealous man who makes a scene and acts irrational when men are attracted to me. It just did not effect him enough to change the sexual part of our marriage. I often had admirers around me. I believe there is a homing beacon in women in such a marriage. While I did not talk much about the home life at work it was pretty obvious there was a problem. Here was this woman right under the nose and neither of us had a clue as to the agenda.

Her husband and daughter were a smoke screen for me or I was super naiive. The result was that over a period of time we talked about personal issues. There is no mistake in my orientation under any condition. She could not restrain the personal concerns. I suggested we would both be more comfortable if she found other employment. I did not fire her as she had family needs, but she chose to accept the suggestion. She thought I meant that as long as she was not working for me, than it was likely we could become involved. That is how she interpreted this. The big push came when she left my office.

This woman sent me letters, flowers and followed me to lunches and outings. It was only my very rude confrontation that cut this off. A friend told me that my "niceness" sent a wrong signal. She said that until I got really confrontive, as I would be with any man who was unwelcome in advances, this would continue to be a problem and offered hope to her. She was right..so that is how I handled it. That was the end of it.

I heard she later left her husband and lived with another woman.
This is a time of same sex marriages and many who have confusion about life. Marriages end all the time over this issue. So...I see the dynamics in this posting as falling into a very grey area that needs clearing. Let us hope that is a wrong viewpoint.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 6th November 2009 at 08:21 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 07:14 AM   #38
1aokgal
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Raymond...

You naiive boy...you could not see the picture here. Yes, I am usually either VERY right or dead wrong. I am also opinionated to a high degree about life. Like you, I hit the depths of problems and then lived with the "haves" as well. I know how it feels to be hungry and struggle to keep a roof overhead. I also live a plush life with a lifestyle completely opposite from my years of struggle. So I have been on both ends.

I lived through a really abusive, scary childhood and worse marriage. Somehow I made it alive.... and mostly sane.

AG

Ya' got me...yes, I am bossy as HELL!! HAHA.
You gave me a serious belly laugh, girl

Confused555...

You are right to be confused, dear friend. You are having the wool pulled over your eyes big time, I think.
...Of course, she wants to be NICEY NICEY..one needs to keep YOU, "the beast....nasty controlling men"......in the fold... in case the new life doesn't work out. There are bills to pay and the rent to worry about. . I think she operates on the promises that the OW will be there for help plus a bonus vacation friend. If she puts the plan in place to get an apartment I am sure that she will have doubts and hope she can still go backward if it does not work out. Perhaps she see you there holding up the back field. She is scared it all may not work out and she will NEED you. She may be really scared about taking such a step.

After all, she depends on that "friend" for her job and for emotional support. We don't know if this is sexual or borderline sexual but YES..your counselor is DEAD right.....she is being COURTED.

Thanks for honesty from our friend here, Clockwork Orange, who shares her personal experience about a woman confused and trying to make decisions. She found her way back to her marriage but she understands that a lesbian relationship offered emotional support and escape from an unhappy life. I feel that is what has occurred here.

Then there is the kind, comeraderie and even financial help she is getting from this OW. One can become confused and maybe there is more there and that is why you are confused. Right under your nose and you would not think to see it.

Dear friend...you must get your britches back on ...and be the HEAD of your household NOW. Do you want your children all screwed up in the head because you can't give them a good firm example of a good man? Controlling? That is so funny. She has fed you garbage and made your desire to be loved and loving into a negative. You have a right to know what goes on in your household.

Sit down with counselor and her and ask her direct where this is going and what is going on. Forget about the GUY. That is a red herring to distract you from the relationship that has developed between these women. Now if that is the case...i personally feel you need to be concerned about the custody of your children and WHAT they witness or know at a young age. Intolerant? Perhaps..but the less the kids pick up the better about any details of adult confusions. Please do talk with your counselor on this issue.

Do NOT be Mr. Nice Guy financially. Your wife figures you are the lamb and she will be keep you in the woods. The run to go out and help the pal when she drank too much seems a smoke screen. You got pushy to take her and spoiled an outing the two would have had together. She then tells you that you are "controlling." You spoiled the outing.

Make sure that you protect yourself with your finances. If she has made a decision to move..rent a place..let her carry that. Get yourself close to family and friends who care about you. Talk this over with your minister and yes, you need some help to get through any separation.

You sound like a nice man and there is life for those who find themselves stranded on the rocks of a marriage that fails. YOU did not fail but events from your childhood gave you a start with a lack of confidence. Sounds like to much deference cost you the respect of this woman. If events are as they seem...she is not the woman you need to build a good decent life.

A HUG for you ..you need one! Perhaps understanding will come and this will make you less confused as you are living in a huge blast of grey smoke.


*****We all must tell our friend here to stand tall and proud. Don't let a woman ..even bossy ones...pull all the shots. Take back your life, confused 555, with or without this woman.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 7th November 2009 at 06:44 AM.
  Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 05:17 PM   #39
confused555
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 19
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?


Clockwork,
I have been thinking the same thing. It may take a long time, but something will happen in that relationship and my wife will fall apart. I just don’t where I will be emotionally when that happens. I don’t know if I will heal and move on. It’s is something that I struggle with. She is too young for menopause at least I think she is she is mid 30’s.

1aok,
I would love to set down and discuss things in front of a counselor. The problem is she is refusing to see a marriage counselor. We are both in individual counseling. If I asked her what was going on between her and the older lady she would just say it’s a friendship. She is very naive and does not realize this lady is doing WAY TOO MUCH for her. She thinks the lady just wants to be a friend. She will just take it as me being controlling. Saying someone is controlling is a very good defense. It takes away all of my power. Thank you for your empowering words. I do want to stand up, but if you read the rest of this post I think you will see my struggles with doing that.



We had an argument this morning. I think it was a good thing. She said she was going to take the kids to a movie this afternoon. I asked her if she wanted me to go. Rather than just say no she said something like well I want to take them because you keep taking them without me. I told her I had only taken the kids to one movie and she argued. She said I had taken them to “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs”. I asked the kids to tell her who took them to that movie. They told her it was grandma, and she finally realized I was not lying. She then started telling me that she did not want to spend time away from the kids but was forced to because I would not give her space. She said I asked you to move out and you would not. I told her that I was not the one that wanted to be away. I wanted to be with her and the kids and I wanted to work on our relationship. She said that is why I have to leave to get my space. She told me she looks at this as me being controlling I asked her if she just wanted me and the kids to set and home and wait for her. She said no. I also said you could of taken the kids with you when you went to the older ladies house. We went back and forth about how that she is the one that needs space that is why I am not leaving. I told her I want to work on the relationship and not run away and stay in a hotel. She got defensive and said now you are telling me I am running away. I told her that she was the one who felt like she needed space and she was the one who got the apartment. I was staying and fighting for our relationship. Somewhere in the discussion I said something like “So You don’t want me to go to the movies with you” Later as things calmed down she pointed out that I was controlling when I said that. I was trying to make her feel guilty for not wanting me there. I agree that saying that could be seen as controlling. I don’t know how exactly to feel about it because it is simply a fact. She does not want me there, but she feels guilty saying that. She said that it was good for us to have the discussion. I told her I agreed. She mentioned that she should of just told me “No I don’t want you to go to the movies” She calmed and I am not sure what she took away from the argument.

Through counseling I have realized I have this overwhelming fear of loosing her. I had issues with abandonment from my mother. She did not come around a lot when I was younger and I had this fear that she did not love me and if I said or did anything wrong she might not come back. Now I cower and don’t speak up when what I say might push my wife away. On the other hand my father / step mothers’ relationship was one of extreme control on my father’s part. I know that many of the statements I made in the past were controlling. For example if she wanted to go see her dad in the hospital before he died I might of said sure you can go see your family, but then on the other hand at a later time I would say things like it costs $100 every time you go in gas and food. I would tell her that the kids need a normal routine and fun in their lives and you keep going up there and spending every weekend in a hospital. I would try and guilt her into not going.

So I am struggling to know which side of the fence I am on now. I don’t want to burry my feelings just because she might run away and on the other hand I know I can be controlling. I think the abandonment fear is why I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t focus on work. I can’t just have fun. My mind always wanders to the relationship and weather we are going to end up in divorce. I end up in the funky haze where I just stare at the wall and think about it. I have even had suicidal thoughts and if it weren’t for the damage I would do to my kids I think it would be a lot worse.

I was sleeping in the basement and I had been rubbing her back (she told me she wanted me to) when she went to bed and then I would go downstairs and sleep down there. Then one night she asked me to sleep in the bed with her. I took this as a positive, but I wander if she is doing it to try and make me happy. I can tell she still cares about my emotional state (possibly too much). The other day I told her that I wanted her to be happy but I was sad about her moving out and she felt bad and started to cry. She said she did not want to hurt me. She has bent over backwards in our relationship to make me happy. I know she has done this, and she feels like she has sacrificed her own self in the process and that is why she wants out. She feels like she can’t escape the need to sacrifice herself for my needs. She is afraid if she stays with me she will end up in the same situation again and that is why she feels like she needs to move out. So wants to move out so she can see for herself is she can meet her needs first before worrying about mine. She is so passive that I can’t even make a statement or ask a question in any manner without her trying to figure out what I want.

To all of you that have been through this does it just take time. With me in limbo and constant mixed messages I don’t suppose the healing is going to occur anytime soon. One minute she seems happy about getting an apartment, but then she seems relieved to find out she can cancel the lease at anytime before she moved in. It was also a 1 year lease, but she was relieved when the manager said that she could move out after 6 months and only pay for 2 more months. Then on the other hand she talks about getting a better job and buying a house. My counselor said I need to keep an even keel and not hold on to the positives or negatives because the next one might be the exact opposite. That makes sense, but I am just so hopeful she will change her mind. She will see something in me that give her a reason to start working on us.
confused555 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 05:35 PM   #40
Jenn
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 45
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Wow, what a conundrum! I think your wife is taking this "controlling" thing a bit too far. Asking her if she wants you to go to the movies with her and the kids, is NOT controlling.

Sounds like she is trying to reverse roles here and is the one being controlling now. There has to be a happy medium...

I agree with a former post, I think she wants her cake and eat it too.

I'm sad to hear that you feel you can't live without her, I know how this feels... People say time heals all wounds, but it's the pain that is that hardest part and I find myself doing everything to avoid have to serve this "time"...
Jenn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 06:32 PM   #41
clockwork orange
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 73
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Confused

I have to agree with much of what Aok says. Since when is standing up for the right thing, wanting to spend time with your family and sleep in your own bed being controlling? You are dealing with your issues and where they come from, and becoming more like God intended you to be. Well done - its takes courage to come as far as you have. Sounds to me like she is quite intrigued by the changes, but also frightened by what that might mean for her.

I remember when I began to fall in love with my husband again. I was terrified, especially by the fear that we'd end up in the same place a few years down the line. Some things HAVE gone back to that place. And it IS scary. But I am not the same person anymore - counselling has helped me to learn to react differently.

It is a two way street though. You can't change her, only yourself. The biblical instruction is for husbands to be head of the household (not dictators though, love is always paramount) - you are learning to become the head. Wives are to submit to their husbands (again, not to be a doormat). It becomes easier for a wife to fulfil her role when the husband is performing his. It can also be really scary for us independant women to discover that we actually quite like it when things are in their rightful order. So keep on doing the right thing. Stand up for youself and your marriage. But also never lose sight of the fact that true love is also other-centred!! Always considering the needs of others before your own. And we need our men to take their place at the head whether we know it or not. We cannot submit to doormats or to dictators.

It may be worth trying less words and more actions - DO love rather than talk about it. And in the meantime get on with your life with your kids. Yes, you need her. But don't make it too obvious or she will play you. Sort out for yourself how you would like it to be and stick to it, don't back down.

Don't know where you stand spiritually, but a loving church family can be a great support. And when they love you they will gently tell you when you're getting off course too!!

Time does heal most things. The amount of it varies for each of us, as well as the process we go through. It is hard to be sensitive to another's pain when you hurt too. This is where her need for space may have initially come from, you end up sparking off each other because you both hurt. If there is stuff needs to be discussed, try scheduling the time on neutral ground without the kids. And set up "rules of contact" and agree to stick to them. That way you can both prepare and de-emotionalise to a degree.

HTH
Clockwork
clockwork orange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 07:47 PM   #42
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Beautifully said CW.

I think she knows Confused that you are sensitive to being controlling and can use that card when it doesn't apply at all.

The case is obviously not black and white as she seems to have good points as well. In a sense Confused your fear of her leaving is controlling you in a wrong way. Fear has torment. To get spiritual, perfect love casts out all fear, but that is another subject. Suffice to say that it is affecting your judgement. Fear is always a bad master.

I agree with other posters that you really need to put your foot down in staying in the house. You are right in all that you said in that she is the one walking out and you are the one who is trying to hold it together.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 07:59 PM   #43
Ageing Grace
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused555 View Post
My mom has been in and out of my life. Through counseling I have realized I was always afraid if I did something wrong my mom might not come back.
...
He was a controlling abusive father and husband
Poor you, Confused, you must have grown up feeling abandoned on both sides No wonder the thought of "losing" your wife (being abandoned by her) distresses you so much.

No wonder, either, that you're pulling out all the stops to be nice & good ... in hopes that this will bring her back to you. Just like that little boy thought his mom would come back if he was good.

You may well have made a controlling husband. Even when we decide to be different from our parents, they are still the only role model we had; we can't magic a better model out of nowhere. We can, however, make the effort to learn different ways in adulthood - like Raymond, me, 1AOK and many others here. This you have done. I commend you wholeheartedly!

Nobody who asks themselves "Is it loving?" - and who acts for the positive reply - could be labelled controlling. It's a vast part of the recipe for a perfect spouse! Well done, you.

I think you need to accept that you ARE doing the right things. Yes, you may have been "blind" as you put it - now your vision's a bit clearer. You probably have work still to do but don't even think about doubting your progress!

Some of your remaining work is to face the difficult fact that "being good" does not bring people back. There are a million very good reasons for improving our life skills; this has nothing to do with scoring points.

Love is not something given as a reward for good behaviour. It's more complicated than that, isn't it?

There's no way that little boy could make his mum come back - she had her own problems, which a were out of a child's scope. But the child would feel like he was being punished by her.

Part of being loving - as an adult - is to appreciate that others do have their own problems, which can affect us even though we didn't cause them. Your wife's grief, after suffering through her father's horrific illness, is one of these. You can support her with gentleness but you can't make it go away - and are not responsible for it.

If it feels like she's abandoning you through grief, so be it. It's harsh but there it is. She's NOT punishing you - you know that; you're no longer a little boy. She is, undoubtedly, playing out some emotional drama of her own but this is not your responsibility.

You have responsibilities to yourself and your children. So does she, though she seems incapable of stepping up to them at the moment. By all means give her time and space. But don't assume you have to roll over to her every demand and accusation - that's how a little boy might think, not the adult male you now are.

How often do you say "No"?
What's wrong with "X is not acceptable because ..."?

When she says you're being controlling, do you excuse yourself? Don't. If you must respond, say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then leave it.

Thank you for sharing this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by confused555 View Post
I would say things like it costs $100 every time you go in gas and food. I would tell her that the kids need a normal routine and fun in their lives and you keep going up there and spending every weekend in a hospital. I would try and guilt her into not going.

Have you realised that your objections were passive-aggressive? That is, even when you were controlling her (quite meanly, as you say) - you did not do it assertively? You did it sideways, manipulatively and without clarity. In fact, clarity looks like a quality sorely lacking in the both of you.

I believe you're very capable of maintaing clarity - and assertiveness - in all of your communications now Your counsellor will help. Give it a go, please!

I feel you'd be quite justified in expressing concern about her secrecy around the relationship with the other woman. If you hope to go forward in any helpful way as a family, you do need clarity between you. Likewise, it's impossible to plan a calm separation - in two weeks' time! - when the goalposts keep moving. Arrange to meet with a family mediation lawyer if you have to, but please make sure your wife understands she cannot keep pushing & pulling you around like this.

I appreciate that she's going through a very distressing phase of her life - and do feel she deserves sympathy - however, she is behaving like a child in a tantrum, and one of you needs to be the grown-up here.

Confused, you might lose her to her strange friend ... for a while, or forever; that depends so much on how all of you progress from here. You, meanwhile, have your own interesting life to live and your children to look after. I really feel you must clarify your responsibilites and their limits.

This will be quite a test of your new, un-controlling, life skills! Accept responsibility. Set boundaries. Realise not everything is under your control, and stick to a fair plan. Good luck.

AG x

ps: Just seen the other fabulous replies above You're certainly well supported, Confused. You can do this! Go!

Last edited by Ageing Grace; 6th November 2009 at 08:20 PM. Reason: addition
Ageing Grace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 08:59 PM   #44
confused555
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 19
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I understand my wife’s eyes have a lot of pain filtering my actions I only wish my wife could see my growth as positive. You are helping me feel a lot better about me.

Clockwork,
We end up talking from time to time, and I find myself repeating things about how I am working on myself and stuff like that. I will work on stopping the talk and start walking the walk.

I started going to church every week right after this whole thing started. The first week the sermon seemed to be written just for me. It really pulled me closer to God. My wife went the first few weeks, but has stopped going. She says me going makes her angry because she wanted to go before but I would drag my feet. In the past I would sleep in and if she went without me I would ask her why she did not wake me. If she did wake me I would go but not enthusiastically so she said she stopped trying because it was to big of a battle. I admit this is true. I wanted to go, but I did not want to sacrifice sleeping in. When she went without me I felt guilty and put that on her. Now she resents me going and I usually get a cold shoulder and hateful comments the rest of the day. To me it’s kind of funny because she is treating me worse for going to church than I ever did her, and she was mad at me for doing it to her. I have been tempted to say something, but can’t see the “loving” in that so I just grin and bear it.

AG,
You mention my wife is behaving like a child in a tantrum. What do I need to do to be the grown up? Do you think I handled the argument I described earlier in an appropriate way. I have been second guessing my comments all day.

I rarely say “NO” I say stuff like I don’t think this is appropriate. I did apologize to her this morning after she said I was being controlling about saying “So you don’t want me to go to the movies with you”

I realize that my comments were passive aggressive. I used that to control rather than the violence and hurtful words my father used. The “is it loving” is helping me to monitor the comments I make.




Has anyone read the “Stop the Divorce” book? In the summary it says to avoid confrontation by agreeing. Anyone have any positive or negative comments on the book?
confused555 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th November 2009, 09:28 PM   #45
clockwork orange
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 73
Re: What is the right thing to do for my wife right now?

Hi Confused

Not read the book, but it seems to me that just agreeing to avoid confrontation isn't right. I think a better way is to acknowledge there is an issue and agree a time a couple of days later to discuss it. Important to move past that heat of the moment destructive emotion before discussing it. And then confront the issue together rather that each other over the issue. A picture comes to mind of an ugly mess on the kitchen table. We can sit opposite each other and push the mess one side to the other between us, or we can sit on the same side of the table and push the mess off it together. But we can't just agree to leave it sitting on the table to avoid the confrontation.
clockwork orange is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 07:41 PM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer