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Old 27th July 2010, 11:02 AM   #121
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

Glad to have you back! Just love the way you're helping us keep track of your house moves with your numbering system!! Do you think it's the librarian in you??? :-)

Speak soon

Love Kathryn
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Old 27th July 2010, 11:13 AM   #122
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

I thought I'd post this story as a sort of 'beacon of hope'. It's true; it's about my sister....

She'd been living with a chap for 5 years plus. He broke it off a couple of years ago now (from what she described of him, I suspect depression / MLC was a factor, but that could be just me...); they were seperated for a few months during which time he was seeing OW half his age. He begged her to go back to him which she did. They had a long discussion that ended up with them moving, away from her freinds and she had to get another job. He was intially happier.

About a year ago she discovered he was still, and had been all along, seeing OW.

It's been really hard for her. She's been on anti-depressants, but set out to buy her first house (he never wanted to). Focused totally on doing it up to distract herself and has had a few good friends around her.

A month ago she met a new chap in an ice-cream parlour ! He's a UK citizen, working in Oz, on holiday in the UK staying with his uncle. His uncle was desperately selling him to her ; single, never married, no kids.

They've been seeing each other ever since, madly in love, he's postponed his job in Oz indefinitely and is working over here, already talking about going on holiday together, moving in and he's mentioned children. He is much better looking than her ex and younger too. (Just hope it all works out...)

So, I guess the moral of the story is; these things happen. Sometimes it's to make room for something better (I hope!)
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Old 27th July 2010, 08:09 PM   #123
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Great story! Let's hope there is something better out there for all us partners of grumpy men
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Old 28th July 2010, 01:40 PM   #124
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I'm so happy for your sister. I do feel we never know what's around that next corner.I think we just hurt so much because the way they did this as I've said many times.I really wonder this time next year how we'll all be??
I read this and I thought it was funny.

Some women are angels but sometimes there wings break then they use brooms to fly because they're very resourceful.

I think that's how it went.

Love Val
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Old 31st July 2010, 04:45 PM   #125
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi all,

Almost there. All the big stuff went across today - a lovely chap from work came with his 2 tonne trailer and helped cart it over to flat #1 so will spend the first night there tonight. It'll be nice to have my own space, but I do like having someone else around - this will be the first time in my life I've lived alone! I think renting a room once I'm in flat #2 is the way to go.

Kathryn - not so much the librarian; I've tried to explain the situation to so many people now who go all cross-eyed somewhere in the middle of it , I've discovered this is the simplest way to describe it!

If I'm not working, I'm finding I'm 'churning' everything over in my head for about 2 hours before I get up. I'm aware it's got into almost a habit and it's not a productive one so got to figure out how to break it. I've found some meditation/ affirmation CD's on Amazon so might try one of those.

I'll have moved twice now before he even realises, if he does ever realise. The fact that he's rung all of twice since I moved out over 6 months ago hurts. According to some depression sites that's not uncommon, but I wonder if I'm just making excuses for him? I'm also wondering if I'm doing something of a martyr act by not telling him I've moved - possibly subconcious revenge for not telling me about the counselling? But then what would he do with the knowledge? (diddly squat). On the other hand, by not telling him am I depriving him of the opportunity of doing anything and therefore proving myself right?
And then the practical side of me says a) I'm probably thinking about him too much again and b) he's depressed. The fact that I've moved twice will simply be irrelevant to him right now.

I'm tired of this roller coaster. It's got less extreme, but I'm still tired of it. Back in the early days, when I made the decision I wanted to work on it, I felt relieved, it felt like the right decision for me. Now I've been trying to persuade myself to give up on it, I feel angry, tetchy and miserable. Counsellor says my rational part is trying to go one way (forget the whole thing) but my feelings aren't in agreement.

B*gger. I could really do without stubborn, stupid things like feelings right now!

Here's to 2011 being a darned sight better than 2010!

Aaxx
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Old 31st July 2010, 09:10 PM   #126
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I love seeing patterns and I see one now with all of us.We were all all hurt and devestated when this first happened.Then we all hoped things would turn around.Then we excepted it and tried to move on the best we could.Now we're all back to trying to move on with thoughts of still being confussed and hoping we're doing the right things.Maybe it's coming up to 5 months and it's the fifth month doubt??
I think because we feel pain and think we'll get over it slower than them. When I was talking to Dave the other day he kept saying I was thinking of this and that.He hasn't thought in months so maybe they will start thinking soon?
I can understand the angry all so well.Why wouldn't anyone be angry?? You''ve had to move and now make all new plans for your life.I bet most of us are nesters and this is mucking us all up.None of us wanted this change but we lived through it.We can't think to far ahead or it'll drive us nuts.


Why are you so wonderful because you do feel so don't stop.)

Love Val
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Old 5th August 2010, 03:43 AM   #127
mdmquincy
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Sorry, I've been out of the loop for a week or two. With school in full session now, I have been overloaded with work.
I wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing now.
Love you,
J
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Old 5th August 2010, 11:15 AM   #128
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Morning all,

Thank you for your words, Val. I think you're right - none of us are posting as much as we were as Jen said. For my part it's because I'm not really speaking to him, so nothing new to report!

I've been reading the 'Boundaries' book Kathryn recommended. The religious bits are irritating but it's interesting nontheless. I'm not sure how much sank in, but it got me thinking about choices...
The 'sensible' choices I've made in life have always left me feeling unsatisfied and miserable, but being the eldest my Mum has always expected me to be the 'sensible' one - she's actually said she expects 'better' of me than my younger sister! But my younger sister generally seems to be a lot happier than me, and I think it's because she chooses what she wants, rather than what she feels she 'should' choose. The 'choices' I have had the freedom to make purely independently, I been a lot happier with and more satisfied. A learning curve for me…

The other bit of self-reflection has been around thoughts and feelings. Because of my experiences at school, I never allowed negative feelings to show. Counsellor says that tends to result in all feelings being suppressed. I think I've tended to 'think' a lot rather than feel, and I'm also learning that one can think one thing, but feel another…

I e-mailed him this morning re. popping in to grab some bits today. At the end I just addded three words: 'How are you?'

This was the response. Comments and thoughts welcome!

"I am just plodding along not doing much and trying to get my head around what life is supposed to be, so I don't do anything.
I'm off to a beer festival with some guys from work later this afternoon."

Nggghhh? Not doing much - but off to a beer festival? And doesn't ask about me at all.

Did I mention how much I hate depression? And that's a feeling and a thought!

I hope everyone else is holding up - I think carrying on with school given what you've been going through is teriffic, Jen. Kathryn, will try and call tonight!

Wigglexx
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Old 11th August 2010, 07:29 AM   #129
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

How's it going? Saw this posted by Luce ages ago and thought you, Val and So Alone might appreciate it too!

http://fortysixty.invisionzone.com/i...showtopic=8947

Post soon!
Love Kathryn
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Old 13th August 2010, 01:49 PM   #130
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Since I've moved into my own little flat, I've been feeling a lot calmer, more peaceful on the whole. I can do what I want to, when I want to (his moan!) without him following around criticising me all the time, moaning, generally being negative and grumpy.

I've felt less angry towards him, and as 'Get past your breakup' helpfully states, I feel like I've 'got my head out of his head' a lot more, and am focusing a lot on why I am the way I am, ways I can deal with that and what I want out of life. The NHS counselling has been frighteningly enlightening, and I've started a journal.

I went round to grab some bits from his place last night and actually hung around waiting for him for a chat...

He started down the old 'I don't know what I want, I don't what to say to anybody' blah blah blah route but I decided I wasn't engaging in that game (focusing purely on him and trying to suggest solutions) any more; so I shared with him what I thought was going on with me. Apart from one comment he made 'You blame everything on everybody else' (like he's not blamed me for any of this) it was a reasonable conversation. I then said I'd had enough of talking about all the heavy stuff. He said, wasn't that what all this was supposed to be about? I replied to an extent, but it gets very intense after a while. So I hung around for a little bit trying to have a normal converstaion, keeping it light and upbeat. It was hard work. And as I sat there, I found myself feeling relieved I'd moved out, literally thinking 'I wouldn't want to live with this'. So I guess that answers the doubts I'd had about moving out...

A mutual friend had given me the impression they didn't think he was depressed because he was going out and about. I was really worried that if they'd told him that, he'd stop taking the pills and not bother with the psychotherapy, but he said he's still taking them and has sent off the form for the psychotherapy (phew). Given what I've read here and elsewhere about depressed men, I praised him for doing all of that. He looked a bit confused - I think he still feels ashamed of it and thinks he shouldn't need it - but I told him that a lot of men out there were sticking their heads in the sand about it, so he should give himself credit for doing something, He seemed pleased with that.

One of his photos has won a National Trust competition to go on a postcard. I praised him liberally for that and again he seemed really pleased. I had no idea my opinion / praise mattered that much to him....

We talked about set-top boxes for Freeview, and I said I fancied one that recorded and burnt on to DVD. He said, why didn't you get one then? Which was a bit ugh - could imply he's happy with the idea of me leaving permanently? Or am I overanalysing again?

As I was leaving, he said he'd see me around maybe....I just so wanted a hug from him. But I'm sick of having to ask for hugs.

I think Koliver's advice is great, and is the way forward. Make myself happy, excersise, I've had salad for lunch three days in a row (look, that's a record for me!) and have more fun. Work on myself, look at dealing with my issues.

So off for a girly weekend with a couple of my old housemates from Uni...Wine will be consumed!

I hope all of you are keeping well and that things have gone a bit quiet with some of you for positive reasons!

Keep well,

Axx
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Old 26th August 2010, 07:07 PM   #131
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi all,

Another update...

Saw him on Monday. Aand he's got worse. He's let the house go (camping gear strewn about from over a month ago), washing up not done, stuff dumped on the coffee table - he said he 'couldn't be bothered' to tidy up. Still says he 'feels nothing'. I asked him if he wanted to end it but was to scared to say so and he nearly yelled at me 'I don't know what I want'. I said I didn't like seeing him like this and wanted to cheer him up. He said 'I wouldn't bother'. He reckons this is him now.

I'm relieved; at least it's very, very defintiely not me that's caused this, I can really believe it now seeing him like that.

But I'm also very worried about him. He's been on meds for three months now - apart from sleeping better (the pills are supposed to help with that) he's worse, and that's causing him to think it's not worth taking the pills or trying any new ones which downright scares me.

I wish the bl**dy doctor had increased the does (he sees him every 3 weeks..!)

As for me, I'm ok. Quite enjoying my little flat, although I could do without the young couple upstairs 'expressing their intimacy' loudly of an afternoon! Last NHS counselling session next Friday, we're going to dicsuss ways I can carry on with some sort of support for my issues afterwards, probably privately (ouch).

I hope everybody else is well, and warm thoughts to those fresh to the pain. It does ease.

Axx
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Old 30th August 2010, 01:49 PM   #132
So alone
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hey Wiggle,

Just wanted to post a quick reply as really I should be working.

Am sooo glad you've seen him and seen him for what he is. That you now truly know that the way he is is not of your doing. It is still a sad state of affairs nonetheless.

Am currently reading getting past your beak up....

Take care, Moi
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Old 2nd September 2010, 02:45 PM   #133
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi SA,

Yup, don't know quite where to go from here. I'd like a road-map of how to put a relationship back together again, accounting for depression!

I've been through anger several times, depsair a few times, thought I was resigned to it. Right now I feel anger again, but differently - anger at myself to an extent for the times I could have treated him better, anger at the depression, but right now mostly anger at his blasted GP for leaving on the lowest dose for 3 months! I worked SO hard to get him to go to the GP and take the pills!

Feel determined too - I asked him if I could go along with him to the GP, as recommended by depressionfallout.com. Relationship-wise there are a few things that give me hope, a few reactions from him and the fact he's not actually said 'I want to end this'. I now totally believe him when he says he feels blank and doesn't know what he wants. There are sooooo many others who recite their D partners saying exactly the same thing. I did wonder if it was an excuse. I feel it's time I rolled my sleeves up and started working on this - no, I can't fx this, but I damn well 'motivate' those who are supposed to be helping him!

Am spending this glorious bank holiday at my sisters, digging, walking and more digging. I hurt!

Axx
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Old 9th September 2010, 04:27 AM   #134
mdmquincy
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

((((Wiggle))))

I'll try to catch up on your thread this weekend. Lots here!

Love you,
J
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Old 9th September 2010, 09:24 AM   #135
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi all,

Thank you for your note, Jen - hope things are at least stable your end?

Been thinking I should update this but just sooo tired of all the rubbish.

Will try to keep this short! Had my last session with the NHS counsellor last Friday. After some serious soul-searching, I decided I wanted to see him on Sunday to have a real heart to heart.

I told him I still wanted to work on this, and I didn't want us to split. So I wanted us to spend more time together.
He said 'no'. Apparently the mere thought of talking to me terrifies him.
I asked if he wanted no contact at all. He said 'yes and no'. Useful....
I sugested maybe there was another form of contact he was more comfortable with. He didn't know.
He said; he didn't get anything out of 'this' any more, this was who he is now, he's going to be single for the rest of his life like his brother and sister and never live with anyone again (anyone else hear violins?).
I asked if he's ever wanted me to move back in again over the last few months. He said 'no'.
I asked what was going on with all the pub meetings then? (which, by the way, he now thinks I instigated rather than him.) 'That was then' apparently. He thought 'they might help'.
I asked what was going on with the housework. He said he does it when it suits him now, not when it needs doing. I asked why he wasn't more like that before (housework was a major bone of contention). He just shrugged...sooo not like him to leave the place messy...
I asked him to at least think about seeing a counsellor with me
He's stopped seeing the gp, takes the pills 'when he remembers'.

I feel pretty philosophical about it all now. I'm seeing a gp at our surgery this week who apparently has 'an interest' in mental health and see if she can help at all and them I'm done. That's it. I've tried everything I can think of but it does take two. And I do still wonder if he's a gutless b*stard, since he's STILL not come out with 'That's it, it's over' (yes, others have pointed out that a lot of what he's said pretty much constitutes the same thing but I'd like him just to come out and SAY it!)

What particluarly annoyed me is that I've since found out he went to a nudist colony with friends a couple of weeks ago! :-O Not that I have anything against nudist colonies but ...what?!

I think moving out killed any chance we had. You can't work on a relationship at a distance. Lesson learnt.

Soo, am just taking it as it comes now. Single. I won't go looking for another relationship yet, but if someone comes along I'll takes it as it comes. If he, by some bloomin' miracle, has a change of heart at some point and I'm single, I'll take that as it comes too (though I really can't see that one happening given his stance on co-habitation now. Once I've got all my stuff out of there there's no going back.)

Bleugh!
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