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Old 9th September 2010, 10:54 PM   #1
cath2010
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Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

First of all can I say that I hope its okay that I post in here. I'm not married but in a long term relationship with my female partner. I was searching the web looking for answers to some of my questions and found this site. Reading some of the other posts have brought home to me that what me and my partner are going through has been lived by many others.

My partner and I have been drifting apart for the past 6 months. We had been very happy until then, I knew she adored me (which is such an amazing feeling to have) and I felt the same. We had some ups and downs, my sex drive isn't as high as hers, but we knew that we were soulmates and talked about our future, our dreams, maybe having kids one day - we were committed.

My partner (H) has quite a difficult home life and she moved back to the family home a year or so ago (she was officially living in her own place at the time although spending 7 nights a week with me). This didn't put a strain on our relationship, she still lived with me for the majority of the time, but she had to go home to help look after her Grandma (who has been a second mum to her), her Aunt who has severe disabilties, along with her very highly strung and depressed mum and sister. Her Gran died 6 months ago and it hit H very hard. Harder than I had first realised. She now has a massive feeling of guilt that she wasn't there and an even bigger guilt that she must be there for her Aunt who is very unwell.

In the 6 months since her Gran died, H has been withdrawn. I can see it clearly now but whilst living through it, I hadn't realised just had bad it had become. We used to be so intimate, holding hands, cuddling on the sofa, talking, snuggling etc. But now she will barely let me touch her. She goes to bed before me (and when I say I'll go up at the same time, says for me not to), gets up before me. Sits downstairs while I get ready, goes upstairs when I'm done etc. I've had my own insecurities about the relationship, I lack confidence and needed reassurance. Obviously she was unable to give me it during this time and I too became withdrawn.

Things reached a head on Tuesday when I finally made her talk to me (she internalises any problems she has....getting her to talk about her feelings is like getting blood out of a stone). We had a highly emotional (brief) talk, then she left saying she needed time. We were both devastated. I asked if I can make her happy - she said "I don't know". She said those immortal words....I love you but I don't know if its in the same way any more.

I've been crushed and desperate. I'm someone who likes to fix things as soon as I can, identify the problem and find a solution. H is the opposite. I told her I thought we could still make it work (I'm afraid I was almost begging at this stage) she said she needs time. I think she might be suffering from depression - her mum and sister both do - she said she just wants to get away from everything, run away.

I tried contacting her yesterday and today but she doesn't want me to yet. I've finally accepted that she needs space - any more texts and I think I'll push her away for good. I think we have something special, something worth working on but I don't know if she has the energy for it.

She's going to meet up with me when she's had some time - I'm hoping in a week or 2 and having read some posts oin here and knowing what we've said to each other in the past, I know she's going to say the problem is she doesn't know if she loves me in the same way. We've not been physically intimate for months (last time we were she asked "what if my Grandma is watching us") and I think she'll use this as proof if you like that we're just friends now. We don't talk, we've both shut ourselves off, we sit watching TV, when we go out she (and I now) sit on our phones. I don't know why we've got ourselves into this mess.

2 things on here have made me think and I need advice on how to talk to her about them. The love not in love question - I've read some excellent posts about this - how do I explain it to her? And the 5 loving gestures (sorry can't remmeber what the correc term is) - touch, words, presents etc - how do I explain that to her?

I think she is suffering from depression, I don't want to push things too much but I love her and want to support her through this dark time. I think she feels the pressure of our relationship (keeping her away from her fmaily) is too much.

Sorry for rambling. I haven't slept for 48 hours.
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Old 10th September 2010, 12:20 AM   #2
UpandDown
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Hi Cath

I'm just off to bed so can't write much but I just wanted to say we are all with you! I'm sure you've come to the right place and will find the advice and support you are looking for.

Meanwhile, look after yourself. Go to the docs if you have to - get some sleep and eat.

Love Kathryn
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Old 10th September 2010, 07:14 PM   #3
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

I feel sick today. Yesterday, reading some of the other threads and posts on here I thought there was hope, that if I could just make her see a few things, we'd be okay. Today I think I've realised I'm deluding myself.
I have an uncanny knack of always managing to blame other people, for being the victim. What this time has shown me is that this is all my fault. I didn't show her enough love and affection - I made her feelings of guilt and depression and grief about me, rather than giving her the support she needed and still needs. Even when I wrote to her on Wednesday, it was all about showing her where we might have drifted because of her grief (in a nice way obviously) - but it isn't. I needed to take ownership of the problem and take responsibility.

She's at a mutual friends as we speak. I just know she's going to be asking for advice on how to tell me its over.
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Old 10th September 2010, 08:31 PM   #4
JWD
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Hi Cath, sounds like you're still in shock. It's very early days but I cannot stress this enough, DO NOT PRESSURE HER. I know every instinct tells you to contact and make her see what she will lose but all it will do is push her further away. Give her a chance to miss you.

You have said that you have gone wrong in the relationship, well so did we all, we're only human so don't go taking all of the blame. Yes, it's vital to look at your own behaviour but you need to really take a good look at the relationship and ask yourself if you were getting what you needed from it too.

You need to try and stay healthy as possible which means eating properly and having a good nights sleep. Posting here helps very much too.

Please try not to panic. We all know how you feel here so keep in touch with us.

much love xx
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Old 12th September 2010, 12:07 AM   #5
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Thank you. The advice about not contacting her (which every single person has told me!) is good - its just so hard. I start thinking the longer I leave it, the more likely she is to not want to try again, I keep thinking how can she stay away if she's hurting as badly as me (therefore she can't be), I wonder if she's even thinking about us as a couple or just blocking it all out.

I've been off work this week (leave already booked) and just know that I'm going to see her at work on Monday (we work for the same company) and that will have been the first time we've seen each other in 6 days. At work! How awful is that?

I just want to see her - but I know I can't. She did tell our mutual friend that she knows how much I'll be climbing the walls not being able to contact her - and by me respecting her wishes its had a positive effect. So good advice, I must just keep reminding myself of that. The only way I have of showing her how much I love her is to respect her wishes and stay away. I haven't made any contact since 9am on Thursday but it feels like months.
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Old 12th September 2010, 11:02 AM   #6
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

I've woken up feeling sick and anxious, a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I think I was telling myself that I wouldn't hear from her this weekend but deep down I thought I would. I'm trying to double guess what this time apart means, trying to find signs in it. One part of me thinks that its good she hasn't contacted me yet, it means that she still loves me and is trying to work out if we can make a go of things again, the other part of me thinks that for each day she doesn't contact me, she's getting further and further away and if she truely wanted us to talk and work things out she'd have been in touch.

I just don't know what to do with myself.
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Old 12th September 2010, 03:57 PM   #7
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

I'm now thinking it must be over. I've really taken a cold hard look at myself over these past few days and I can't think why she would even want me back. I just wish she would tell me. Actually, scrub that, I'm kidding myself again. I don't want her to tell me, all hope would be lost then.
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Old 16th September 2010, 02:40 AM   #8
JWD
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Hi cath,

How are things with you now? How are you feeling?

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Old 17th September 2010, 07:56 AM   #9
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

I guess i am naive in that if i have a future relationship if i was in her situation and needed the time i would hope to have a relationship strong enough, and trustful enough to cope with it.











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Old 17th September 2010, 09:04 AM   #10
Susan Graham
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.
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Old 21st September 2010, 11:46 PM   #11
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Sorry I haven't posted, thanks for the questions. We met up last Wed and decided to split. After a week of turmoil and panic, I felt a sense of calm. We ended up having a good talk and decided we would stay the best of freinds, because that's what we had probably become. It was strange, I felt it was probably the best - I had become extremely insular and introverted - she is the opposite. I felt I needed to look at myself, at my life and make changes and that it wasn't fair on her to expect support with this as it was this behaviour that had forced her away.
Since then though, I seem to be suffering from some kind of panic attacks. I'm okay, but then suddenly I become overwhelmed by regret, guilt, confusion and have to just get out of the office/house/wherever I am or I think I'll go mad. And I'm driving myself insane because we are both hurting so much that I just want to make everything better.

Like I said, we had the talk on the Wed and I felt okay. Thursday we texted a few times and then had another talk on the phone. Then on Friday my head just went bang and I felt overwhelmed by the feeling that we had made a huge mistake and I needed to know (again) that she was sure. We talked and she said she was.

Fri night and Sat was okay, then the same thing happened on the Sunday. A cloud fell and I suddenly believed that she was regretting what we'd decided (I had no evidence of this) and needed to know again that she was sure. We talked and although I didn't ask this time, I knew that she was. Although she was hurting and missing me, she knew we'd done the right thing.

Again I felt calm, we talked again on the Monday then she called round to pick up a couple of things. It was a really lovely evening, we enjoyed one anothers company and said how much we missed each other but that it was for the best and we'd stay friends.

You know whats coming next...today the feeling of panic and anxiety that we'd made a mistake and that she wasn't sure. So I asked her again (after 8 hours of driving myself insane). Same answer - this time even clearer. She said that I can't take the pain away, it would be easy just to get back together but that it would fall apart in months and would be harder for us both. I now feel even more guilty that I keep asking her to make the decision - I don't even know why I'm doing this because I know the answer deep down and it hurts me to hear it and her to say it.

But then I just can't undestand. We're both hurting so much, we both want to see each other, we both say we love each other - but I want desperately to make things work and she says it won't.

I think I've got to start the process of moving on - but then I feel sick with anxiety that its the wrong thing to do.
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Old 21st September 2010, 11:48 PM   #12
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Reading that back, I really do sound like a desperate sad sack. I'm just pushing her further and further away.
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Old 22nd September 2010, 06:19 AM   #13
chosen
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

cath you need to let her go and to be honest, you need to stop any contact with her because this will stop you both from moving on and healing. Every time you see her it opens up the wound.Not easy, but better in the long run.
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Old 22nd September 2010, 09:29 AM   #14
Wiggle
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Hi Cath,

Get 'Getting past your breakup' by Susan Elliott. She doesn't just talk you through dealing with the pain of a split, but also how to examine how your past influenced your relationship and choice of partners, and how to deal with that. It's a very practical book, with simple excersises and sugestions that do help, it's not just a load of waffle like some self-help books.

You need to go N/C, and you CANNOT be friends with her at this time. It might be easier for her to say that because she obviously doesn't feel the same way about it that you do, but for the sake of your own sanity you need to break all contact. She's made her position very clear. If there is ever going to be a friendship between the two of you, it will only happen when you've stopped feeling for her the way you do now, and that will only come with time and N/C.

I'm sorry, I know it sounds harsh and there's a part of you screaming inside that you don't want this, and it's easy to talk yourself into thinking that surely they can't want this either, but N/C is the only way it's going to get better. You can't look for healing and comfort from the one who's caused this pain.

Huge hugs,

Ax
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Old 22nd September 2010, 09:15 PM   #15
cath2010
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Re: Advice needed on how to repair my relationship

Thank you both.
We've had no contact today and I'm feeling calmer. I have had several slight wobbles, feeling guilty that she'll be worrying about me, or hoping she doesn't think I'm not contacting her to punish her in some way. But I guess I need to stop worrying about that.

The thing that is really confusing me is that she's aware I need a bit more time and space before I can get to the friendship stage, yet she's the one that texts to say hi or tries to contact me. I guess I maybe led her to believe that we could remain best of friends and she just wants to jump straight to that - but really, how can we take all the good things from our relationship, repackage it as friendship, and be okay? If we do remain friends, it will be very different. I'm not sure she realises that.
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