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Old 15th March 2011, 10:57 PM   #61
im-just-me
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

the mixed messages arent good, if he was truly sorry and wanted to work on your marriage then he would drop the russian thing all together including not going there. does he expect you to just be happy with it? how frustrating for you, yes there is hope, maybe he wont go through with it, maybe he will go there and fail. counselling is a good step forward regardless, i too am taking counselling sessions which have already helped, i was wondering who i was as a person too, im a wife and im a mom but besides that who am i? what defines me? hopefully counselling will help me figure this out and this should help my marriage too, things are much better with me at the moment, so theres a bit of hope for you, keep your chin up, it will get better and you are stronger than you think
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Old 15th March 2011, 11:05 PM   #62
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Hi ijm I am thrilled to see you back. What did I do wrong? I think you have misunderstood. e mail me on Rayblondie50@yahoo.com and I will explain.
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Old 16th March 2011, 12:56 PM   #63
im-just-me
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Hi Huting. Delete that post now. Got it.
that is what you did wrong raymond, huting is me, i used a previous username just incase my husband checked, but we have talked and hes ok with me coming on here to help, i just dont think he wants me to air our laundry, so to speak.
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Old 16th March 2011, 01:42 PM   #64
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

I knew what you were doing. I was trying to say now we know that Huting is you you can delete your phrase saying that you were really ijm for your own security. As you are back to using ijm anyway it now seems irrelevant. Only trying to help and keep your privacy really. Hope you are well.
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Old 16th March 2011, 05:12 PM   #65
im-just-me
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Raymond I apologize it was a misunderstanding. I thought it meant something else. Thanks for being so caring. I understand now. And sorry lilac for hijacking your thread. I'm good thankyou raymond. Things have improved drastically
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Old 16th March 2011, 09:11 PM   #66
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

We are friends then. I am glad things have improved drastically. I think something happened there in your life, the going back to church as well.

We were praying like mad when it looked as if you were cut off and grounded.
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Old 16th March 2011, 10:57 PM   #67
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

No apology for "hijacking" necessary ijm. I am glad this was all ironed out between you two. If only other "misunderstandings" could be dealt with and put to right so easily!!
Excellent news that your situation has improved so well. You are an inspiration, and kudos to your husband as well for giving some of us here real "HOPE".
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Old 18th March 2011, 05:12 AM   #68
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

While you sleep....
An "event" occurred. H. thought we were "getting along" so well that we may well think of trying to "reconnect". Said he should write to his "lady friends" and tell them we were going to "try" so he wouldn't be coming to see them as anything other than a brief "hello". Said that should make them tell him to "go to hell". Went on to ask opinion of his Russian language teacher and she said of course he should be honest with them of his intentions. Proudly I did not take all this fully to heart. Next day (today) I asked how he felt about it all and he said (rather curtly) "I don't know! It would just be one more thing I started in my life and didn't finish!!!"
It did feel very good to hear the idea. But I didn't let myself fall fully into a false sense of relief or hope. Just trying to forget I heard it at all right now. Survival.
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Old 18th March 2011, 09:50 AM   #69
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

One more thing in his life he didn't finish? With good reason. It is adultery. Can he not get this into his head?

It is good that he is thinking of backing out. He needs to cut it off completely and to apologise to you for all the pain he has caused you.

Are you to get your hopes up over this? I would play it cool if you can. The best you can do is not to accept him back without a deep apology but I don't know if you are strong enough for that. Assuming it does finish that is.
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Old 18th March 2011, 04:25 PM   #70
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Yes Raymond, I am playing it coo compared to the way I want to react. I'm not fooled into thinking he has this all settled in his mind that it is best to give up on his quest. Yes it is something that he is thinkijbg about it at least, but I don't take it as any sort of "victory" for me.
I read an interesting medical article somewhere on the net about men's depression. It apparently has been recentl found to have chemical and hormonal effects on them as well that in the majority of cases are at the cause of "infidelity" behavior. (Internet type being the most prevalent these days). I'm not saying all depressed men have this as an "excuse", but it makes sense as to how they can change so drastically so quickly. (Mine has been depressed for years and wouldn't take any help with it medically or counselling wise). They apparently have the mind set to search for something they think they haven't found in their marriage when it is standing right in front of them. Easily treated with meds and counselling. Too bad more can't seek the help. They say to nip it in the bud as the on line affair can soon end in actual physical adultery as they believe the written word. Sad.
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Old 18th March 2011, 06:40 PM   #71
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

It's called fantasy land Lilac and it makes for an unsettled life. There is a difference between that and dreams. The fantasy is unreality and the tendency to ignore all reasonable checks even moral ones. The next field is always greener instead of dealing with the life you have and the commitments you have made. It is irresponsible really. Having a dream to improve your life and your marriage and improve yourself is different and profitable.
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Old 18th March 2011, 06:52 PM   #72
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Agreed Raymond. Frustrating when you can see little chinks of light in their armor .....even to the point of admitting it's a fantasy (at this point), yet being still willing to throw away the old on the chance that "it could be better" since it's far away and maybe, just maybe women there are so much better.
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Old 18th March 2011, 08:37 PM   #73
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Sorry folks....just have to write before I explode. (I know I shouldn't listen to the madness but it hit me by complete surprise 20 minutes ago). H. got dressed up and left for another Russian language class.....now he's upped it to 2 times a week!! Wasn't aware of this and it hit hard after telling me about his previous thoughts about not doing this. He said he's going to complete the course so as not to quit another thin in his life, and when he goes he will speak Russian. He just has to decide yet on what premise he is going.
I remained calm and just looked at him. He said "don't look so worried, I haven't given up on "us" yet".
I said "but if you continue your "conversations" you will undoubtably fall in love or she will if it hasn't already happened". He said "NO. I don't do that falling in love on line. I've already pushed away those who said they were in love with me".
I can not let this make me crazy.
I can not hold on to his words.
I can not give up on myself. I just can't see where to go with "myself" right now. I will calm down and then go to my counselling session. It makes me so mad that I'm trying to improve myself with professional help and he's using his fantasy world. Why does he get to have all the fun? (I know I'll be better off someday but I wish it would hurry.)
Just had to tell someone so I can pull myself together before my session. Don't want to cry there. It makes me feel so small.
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Old 19th March 2011, 09:31 AM   #74
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

That's why you have to play it cool Lilac. Your hopes were raised and then dashed again. Your whole life seems to be subject to the ups and downs of his Russian escapade. He is giving you bits and pieces to hang on to but his whole purpose is to make it work with this Russian thing. You are his backstop if it doesn't work out. That is a supreme disrespect to you. He is almost saying I am trying to commit adultery but if it doesn't work out you will be there for me.

I don't think you should give him that security. He will never be brought to his senses if you are going to play that role. You should not accept him back unless he shows real repentance over what he is doing to you. You need to seperate and make the point. While he is doing this the marriage is finished. Waiting around for possible leftovers is no way to live. You really need to get a little independence and strengthen yourself without him until he is brought to repentance
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Old 19th March 2011, 10:59 AM   #75
chosen
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

I agree totally with Raymond. Seperation is needed with the proviso that if/when he stops this nonsense for good, with NO more contact with Russian women, or any other women, for GOOD. you may consider having him back, IF there is true repentance and sorrow and 100% committment towards the marriage..
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