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Old 20th March 2011, 09:36 PM   #76
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Thank you for your responses. I know what you say is true.
My "strengthening" is being worked on but has a long way to go.
You never know...maybe I'll pull the plug myself.
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Old 21st March 2011, 10:00 AM   #77
Raymond
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Anything to put it on a serious note Lilac. If he is making arrangements to get a Russian bride then it is logical that arrangements need to be made for seperation and divorce now before it happens. At the moment he is paying no cost. Straight talking may bring the message home to him.

Talk about courts and settlements. Any lawyers will take their fees from the settlement made so it shouldn't cost anything. He has to realise what he is actually doing.
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Old 26th May 2011, 06:44 PM   #78
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Hello to all of you.
I read your posts and wish you all peace in your struggles.
Update on my situation. Intervention by h's Russian language teacher in March re his on line correspondence to other women while stil lmarried. Caused him to quit language courses and write form letter of apology to the women to be translated by Russian teacher and sent.....with my knowledge. H. pleaded for forgiveness and wanted to try again on our marriage. How my heart wanted to soar. Letter never translated by teacher (don't think she really wanted to be involved anymore or maybe just embarrassement of h.). H. wrote his own, re-opened his account on the site and sent to women. Of course he changed it from the original (yes I checked to protect myself) and offered to stay in touch with them off the site for "friendship" as he will come to see them some day. Told the 22 year old he had gone to his lawyer and opened a trust fund for her daughter for when she is 18 in case he no longer is alive. Daily contacts with women as he just can't seem to close his account again.
My eldest son has suffered a breakdown due to work/life stresses and is in a psychiactric hospital but is doing well. Doctor's say we must have a calm welcoming home to take him back to while he recuperates with us.
So there it is. I will strive to stay strong for my son and indeed all my children.
This farce of a marriage will end as I know now that no matter how hard I try, h. does not value me or our marriage at the expense of his own feral needs.
My love to you all.
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Old 26th May 2011, 06:51 PM   #79
Helen_uk
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Ah lilac,

I'm sorry to hear that . I had hoped , as we hadn't heard from you for a while , that all was well now.

Sometimes you just want to give them a shake and make them see what they're doing.

He's putting money in a trust fund for the daughter of a woman he's never met ? Sorry, but I think that's the daftest thing I've ever heard ! But of course that's exactly what most of these foreign dating sites have women on there for , to extract money from gullible men.

I think you're right, you need to concentrate on supporting your son and leave that silly man to find out on his own just how ludicrous he's being.

Hugs to you.
Helen x
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Old 26th May 2011, 07:06 PM   #80
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Hello Helen,
Thanks for your reply.
Yes the "trust fund" issue really hit deep. He has no such arrangements for our own children.
And of course that news to the girl will ensure contact is kept up.
It is so small of him to even think of hurting our children like that. How does he think they will feel when his "will" is read and they hear of her? I hope I pass first so I won't be here to see it.
Hope you are well.
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Old 26th May 2011, 07:20 PM   #81
Helen_uk
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

I can only imagine . What a horrible thing to do to your own children . Have you mentioned that to him ?

What does he think he's playing at ?
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Old 26th May 2011, 07:30 PM   #82
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

He is unaware that I know any of these new events.
. Honesty is so important I know but since he has chosen to do this I am tired of feeling like I am the only one with any integrity at all. The only way I can explain it is that his"image" to others (mainly women of course), is the most important thing. In his letter to these women he questions his ability to remain "just friends" by corresponding, but is willing to continue anyway at the risk to us. He just can't face the possibility that he may give up a chance at romance and true happiness (without having to work at it) with one of these w. I also think guilt at dropping them all (which he really isn't doing is he?) made him need to offer some consolation for the love and passion he expressed to them.
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Old 26th May 2011, 07:32 PM   #83
chosen
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

lilac
I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is still being so incredibly stupid. Why does he care about a small child who he has never met and who he has nothing to do with?Its not like its his child or anything. I mean does he really think a 22 year old would be interested in him if he wasnt sending money?Some men really are terribly gullible and stupid when it comes to women.
He has his own children and they should be his priority.
Does he know that you know what he is doing? Are you going to confront him about it?
I am sorry about your son, I hope that he recovers soon.
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Old 26th May 2011, 07:41 PM   #84
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Hi Chosen
No he doesn't know at this point. If I raise it now it will be a brutal end to it all as I will say everything I have felt for the past few months. I won't be able to stop. I choose not to do it at this time as I have the doctor's words in my head. It would mean a broken home with no father there and a distraught mother no matter how hard I would try to stay on top of it all.
He will know.....his time is coming, or should I say mine?
I can't teach him who or what his priorities should be....that has been proven.
I am truly ashamed I have given my children such a monster of a father. He never used to be this way.
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Old 26th May 2011, 08:00 PM   #85
Helen_uk
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

How on earth are you going to be able to keep all of this inside lilac ? I'd be absolutely livid .
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Old 26th May 2011, 08:14 PM   #86
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

Helen,
I have to...for my son. Believe me I had to restrain myself from calling his cell this morning. I have to look at it this way (better at it sometimes than others)....I have it in my control to be done with it all. I'm sure when I do there will be nothing but anger and recriminations for me from him for invading his "privacy" by reading his posts to them. He once said (long before any of this) that a woman was sent to jail for doing so to her husband. I guess that was his way of proving how dispicable that was!!
I really don't know for sure that I will be able to handle this for any length of time. My councelling has helped me to "remove" myself a step or two back from a painful situation so that I can center myself. But I admit that the injustice to my kids is tearing me apart. All I can do is hope I'm strong enough
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Old 26th May 2011, 08:37 PM   #87
chosen
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

lilac
Could you calmly just tell him that you know what is happening,and ask him to leave because you have had enough?Hopefully before your son comes home?

It always amazes me that the one who acts badly blames the other for checking on them. Quite incredible!!!
Dont blame yourself for the children's father. Did you do this or did he? So whose fault is it? Lay the blame where it needs to be laid.
I cant help feeling that there will be an atmosphere if nothing is done or said. When does your son come home? At what point will you feel your son is well enough to deal with this?
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Old 26th May 2011, 09:08 PM   #88
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

All good questions...
My plan (as yet undetermined when my son will be released) is to move to my son's house (still being renovated and at least needs the bathroom finished!), get him settled in again and try to ride this out while I judge his state. His brother is in terrible physical condition with more CT scans scheduled next month...if there isn't a cause found for his pain (specialist now doubts his original diagnosis) my son will no doubt have problems besides his mental ones in finding a reason to continue on. I know they are not unaware of our problems but showed such joy when it looked like things were going well. They both voiced hope for future family vacations together since that hasn't happened in so long.
I need to be settled in there before I do this. I will need every ounce of strength to do this and don't feel I can do this now given the circumstances.
Yes, no matter how good of an actress I am, I'm sure they will sense something. But that will be different than a full blown "get out we are done".
I have to be the judge on this for my kids, knowing them as I do, and knowing myself.
Not admirable I suppose but I've put up with it this long with hope. Now I can do it without.
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Old 26th May 2011, 09:45 PM   #89
lilac
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

I have to admire the attitude expressed by people in Britain. Not to "lump you all together" but in reading your responses it seems so clear that you have a very strong, stalwart attitude and method of dealing with life's problems. I'm not by any means meaning you don't suffer emotional pain just as hard as anyone else, you just seem to have a better way of dealing with it which seems to be alot stronger than many others. Makes me wish all the more that I was one of you, and were closer by to pick it up myself! I do admire you all wherever you are from!!
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Old 27th May 2011, 10:34 AM   #90
Helen_uk
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Re: Yet another new plea for help.

I don't think we're necessarily strong lilac , just all been pushed past our breaking point at some stage. At least those of us on here have.

I took emotional abuse from my ex for 3 years before he pushed me over my limit and I ended it !

It taught me one thing though, I'm worth more than that and life is too short to put up with c**p !

I'm not sure there's ever a good time to end a relationship, there is always something going on in life . Kids taking exams, family weddings coming up etc. In your case I can understand you wanting things to be calm for your son, but I think he'll pick up on how you're feeling anyway. At some point regardless of what else is happening in life you have to make a stand.

You MUST NOT blame yourself for any of this , your husband has caused this. It's a mother's instinct to protect her children and it's even harder when they have a disability . It's a pity your husband doesn't think the way you do with regards to his children.

If it helps you can be an honourary Brit !

Last edited by Helen_uk; 27th May 2011 at 11:13 AM.
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