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Old 15th May 2009, 10:57 PM   #1
Johnee S
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Do i hold on or let go

Names Johnee, married for almost 14 years (this august), 3 wonderful kids daughter 15, sons 8 and 5. My Wife has decided she wants to separate and has moved out to think things over, she is seeing someone online she met in a fantasy video game secondlife where you can do and be anything. Its all an illusion with no substance other then emotional connections. She went to Van with her GF last month to hook up with this guy in Seattle, he was denied access to Canada due to his criminal record (assaulted 2 police men at age 21). He’s a 43 year old divorced twice over for cheating with a 14 yr old son he gets on weekends. He’s a booze hound and he seems like a nice guy with my Wife but I spoke with him a few occasions first to let him know she was in fact married with 3 kids and that she is 36 not a 28 yr old single DJ.

Yet he still peruses her tells me he loves her even though they only know each other from a video game, 3000+ minutes of talk time 9cells home phone), and IM chatting, how the hell is that love? She admitted she has strong feelings for him and that he’s trying to get a pardon so he can come here to see her and be with her. She continued seeing him behind my back when I worked (nights) and slept (days) or while she was/is at work, after I dropped the bomb about knowing and confronting her after informing him of what the real deal is Our kids are devastated especially our daughter whos not taking this separation well. I’ve been asking to try counseling she thinks it will do nothing, I said if not to reconcile then at least to end things on good terms for the sake of our kids.

Communication is difficult it seems I do 90% of the talking while she is just minimal response or dead silence. I have to ask her to look me in the eyes when we talk which suggests no respect for me. She feels ashamed and sad for her actions, so I asked her to leave to get herself figured out on what she wants to do since staying makes it ore difficult. I love my Wife dearly and told her I would do anything to make this relationship work again. For the last 2 years she’s felt unhappy but she never told me nor did she really put effort into making this work.

I am going nucking futs! I knew I loved her before but now its like all I can do is think about how much I am in love with her and I can’t see my life with out her in it. I am focusing on my work and kids, working on self improvement for the sake of sanity but deep down all I think about is my Wife and how to get her back in my world at my side.

She has said she wants to feel what she used to with me but I don’t know if that’s truth or just trying to let me off easy. Next she says she thinks it will not work and if we were to reconcile it would be for the kid’s sake. I told her that’s not going to work and it could make it worse. She told me she hates not being at home with the kids; last night she asked our daughter who should stay and who should go. My daughter being the smart one onto her little game stated neither of you leave both of you stay and make this work.

Love is a choice and commitment you make to your partner, despite how tough things may appear (short term pain, little pleasures) you have to work together to get to the long term pleasures, I belief in our marriage and what it used to stand for, I know deep down there is love still otherwise she’d have already said there is no way it will ever happen or just say sorry I moved on, its over; you need to move on. Part of me wants to toss in the towel and give up knowing its going to be very hard on all of us, the main part of me says No dude fight for your love show her what she means to you and how important she is. I am reading a lot of replies on various sites saying let her go and work on me even though it’s the hardest thing to do.
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Old 16th May 2009, 12:28 AM   #2
jahdog
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Let go. Sounds like she is gone. They make up thier mind and make thier decision way before they let us know. Then its too late. Bad deal. Karma comes around and goes around.Let go and begin healing.
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Old 16th May 2009, 10:04 AM   #3
j92cool
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Jahdog is correct. She is already gone. The spouse is generally the last person to know. The internet has a lot to answer for. She has not made a good choice but it is her choice and she will eventually suffer the consequences. I gave my H a second chance and all he did was slowly and carefully put things into place for his exit. When I had him packed up to leave it did not suit him. It worked out better for him to make out like we were working on our marraige while he was setting himslef up properly. Are the kids going to stay with you if her criminal bf comes over?. Sounds like the person you married is no longer there. You probably feel like you have been living with a stranger for sometime.

Look out for yourself and kids. She won't look you in the eyes because she cannot hide her shame and is filled with guilt not because she doesn't respect you. Bloody internet. They can lie their heads off and noone would know.

(read some of my thread)
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Old 16th May 2009, 10:58 AM   #4
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Thanks for the replies, I guess there's nothing I can do but accept and move on. yet something is telling me not yet. I just want to rip my heart out so the pain goes away. I guess when we seperated 2.5 years ago, I shouldn't have bothered trying to get together. its been a lie since then I guess.
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Old 16th May 2009, 11:43 AM   #5
j92cool
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Yes I know the pain is unbearable but it will get better. Take it one day at a time or as someone here told me minute by minute if that is the best you can manage at this time. Make sure you are sleeping if you aren't go see a doctor and get something to help. You need to sleep and eat to have the strength to manage day to day stuff. Don't make any drastic decisions as your thoughts will be clouded. Don't supress your emotions cry and rant if you wish too much better than holding it all in. I think you should seek counselling for yourself as you will need someone to talk things through to. I know everyone will say it will get better and you probably dont feel like it will now but it will. As to giving your W a second chance at least you can say you gave your marriage everything you had but it just was not going to work.

Keep posting here it really does help. I am 6 weeks into my drama and am feeling much stronger and really think that after everything is done and dusted I will be much happier than I have been for years.

Look after yourself.
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Old 16th May 2009, 11:52 AM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

I think it was a mistake to seperate although it's too late now. This game thing sounds a bit dangerous to me and can get people into deception. I would have worked on that and dealt with it for her own good. You say she has been gone for two and a half years. Do you still speak to her? How is she getting on with this fellow? Does she live with him? Sounds a very shady character to me and theres almost something sinister about it. I wonder what else is going on with him to have that affect upon her. Something has gone dreadfully wrong and this game thing has played a part I feel.

When you say that something is telling you not to move on what do you think that is?

Raymond
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Old 16th May 2009, 08:54 PM   #7
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Thanks for the encouragement...

As for the questions:

She said she's been unhappy since she and I got back together 2 years ago we seperated 2.5 years ago (1st time).
She went to vancity to hook up with the guy from Seattle who could not come accross the border due to his record so they never even met face to face. They talk on the phone and internet...

The PC I made for her its still here as are many of her personal belongings, technically she is moved out temporily, and I know she wants to be here and me out... not goign to happen. I'm taking control and holding her accountable to her actions and choices she's made since crossing the line from plutonic to emotional affair with this guy.

When she has given me her official we're seperating permanently then I will tell her to get her things and move out. The boys do not know how serious this is our daughter knows. She did say if she decided to reconsile it would be for the kids sake personally I think its because we have everything here and settled and she is just scared and insecure about being on her own. She should have thought about all of this before crossing the line with this other guy.

She dug her own hole and now she can live in it. Despite my feelings towards her I still feel compelled to hold her accountable to her actions and feelings. I want her and i to be happy together but she has to make that happen not me. Each second, each minute, each hour, each day since confronting both of them on this; despite my forgiving her and still loving her even more so; she is as mentioned above by jahdog she is already gone...

I just want to scream and go on a rampage to get this pain out but alas we all know how destructive that would be... I still plan on doing family counselling with or with out her and I am planning on temporary custody next week in the event she tries taking our kids away from their stability and home. If she truly wants to be with her online BF from Seattle she can go on her own with out the kids. The kids are all I have now and I will not allow this to destroy their lives.

I may sound angry and in some regards i am angry not at her, but to myself for not seeing all the signs and for allowing her to deceive me so easily they got met online in Novemeber last year and crossed the line in January this year... she may have destroyed my heart but she will NOT destroy our kids.
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Old 16th May 2009, 09:00 PM   #8
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
I think it was a mistake to seperate although it's too late now. This game thing sounds a bit dangerous to me and can get people into deception. I would have worked on that and dealt with it for her own good. You say she has been gone for two and a half years. Do you still speak to her? How is she getting on with this fellow? Does she live with him? Sounds a very shady character to me and theres almost something sinister about it. I wonder what else is going on with him to have that affect upon her. Something has gone dreadfully wrong and this game thing has played a part I feel.

When you say that something is telling you not to move on what do you think that is?

Raymond
She will have to either wait for this guys pardon hearing if he's even fighting for it, I am pretty certain he will be denied so he cannot come here and she doesn't even have a passport to go see him...

He lives in Seattle, WA we live in Alberta, Canada

We do speak when she pops over to see the kids (when I'm sleeping or at work) or change her outfit (for work) and if on the phone its regarding small matters of the household not our relationship, she avoids me... I talked with her yesterday hence why I know she would only reconsile for the kids and not our marriage.

She cries when she says her love for me is gone; I told her don't cry since she's already made up her mind and to just tell me straight up she wants to move on, which she has still not stated officially... I am still waiting to hear "Johnee, I am over our marriage, you need to get over it and move on" speech. Then and only then can I truly accept and move on.

Last edited by Johnee S; 16th May 2009 at 09:20 PM.
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Old 16th May 2009, 09:17 PM   #9
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

As for what I think about something telling me to hold on, is the following:

-Her not coming out and saying let me go and move on with your life
-She cares deeply about our children as I do
-She hates not being home
-My love for her is enough to continue our marriage, sadly hers is not
-I have faith and believe Love conquers all else, even the most difficult of things

In order to come home I have only 4 things she would need to do

-Uninstall the game
-Break all contact from this man permanently
-Focus on our marriage and putting things back together
-To be honest and truthful with me about her feelings, needs, wants going forward

If she cannot do any the above she may as well start looking for her own place to live, she cannot stay at our mutual friends longer then a few weeks (til about month end or 1st week of June). What I am really pissed off about recently is our mutual friend gave her a cell phone so she can talk as often with the other guy as she wants to, her current cell is 500 which she has not bothered paying due to both her and my limited income.

I am a low income Dad trying to get back into the IT sector but the IT work is sparse for technical support guys like myself. I work in security presently hence night shift, I have a couple DJ gigs in June and July and with that I just make ends meet on my income alone. She says she will offer some $$$ to help out and I told her she cannot she needs to think about where she's going to live ad how shes going to live.

On our first seperation I moved out, this time I'm doing things differently, she wants out of the marriage so she has to be the one to move out. Our youngest starts full day kindergarden in August, middle grade 4 in August, our daughter grade 11 in September. She is welcome to stop by and hang out with the kids anytime but she cannot live here. I have been the level headed one through all of this, even some of my Wife's friends have only recently come to see my true character and have stated only recently they have coe to understand my true character/strength, they have also admitted they could not have handled the whole situation between my Wife and her online BF as patiently as I have. I gave it my all and it wasn't enough. because she never gave it her all with me.

I know she's diverting her heart break to rebounding with her online BF. I know she will fall hard and it will hurt her big time. She will eventually realize she's giving up her life of 16 years together for some stranger that has a mental and emotional manipulative hold on her like a drug; once she sees that nothing will become more permanent other then what they have online... reality is one *itch of a boomerang. I don't see getting back together at that point, as it will be a long time before this takes place.

I want to be with her but the more I analyze and think things over the more I'm inclined to let it go, but my heart keeps me hanging on, I made a vow under God witnessed by all our friends and family in August of 1995. I am compelled to hang on until I am handed over divorce papers to sign, thats my stubborn side.
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Old 16th May 2009, 10:52 PM   #10
j92cool
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Good on you. You have thought things through and have a plan of action in mind. Yes if she wants out there is absolutely no reason you should make it easy for her. It will never cease to amaze me that they (spouses) can state they love their kids but then can move away from seeing them. Like many others here I would always put my realtionship with my children above anything else and can not understand how anyone could put a person they really hardly know above that relationship. I didn't see the signs with my H either because I am a creature of habit and loved my comfort zone and didn't want any changes.

My H changed so much over the last couple of years I could hardly recognse the person I married all those years ago.
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Old 17th May 2009, 01:08 AM   #11
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Same here she changed a lot, she wants to be the immature party girl living it up, I watched her go froma commited and loving mother and wife to a stranger who did things behind my back as opposed to coming out and telling changes she needed to stay happily ever after.

I've always been the work horse for the marriage, giving up everything for my family; while she continued it her way never comprimising what I needed or wanted out of our life together, like being together as a couple not just as parents. The more I think about all this the more I wonder how long she's really been my Wife vs being someone else's online flirt toy. It disgusts me how someone so special to me can be so damm evil, betraying, and decetiful yet pretend its all fine and ok.

She needs serious help but she'll never admit to that nor whill she ever go and seek it. I pity her so much it hurts seeing the woman I devoted my life to turn out so horrible and rotten inside. She is living in an illusion and when it falls I don't know if I want to be there for her, I don't know if I can allow myself to be there for her after all this. She puts on a fake mask with her friends yet none of them say anything to her about it, they know she's making a lot of mistakes in her life yet the only one with enough courage to tell her how it really is vs. what she thinks it is. I've been the only one to tell her what she is doing and what her actions will cause in the long term.

Sigh even with all this before me why do I still love her so much?
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 17th May 2009, 05:04 AM   #12
j92cool
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

You love her because you see the person you married not the person they are now. Everyday you probaly see a snipet of the person she was and that is enough to give you hope. Whenever I was thinking of calling it quits and walking away he would do or say something that would remind me of the good days and I would stop in my tracks. He had to end it as I never would have. I would have kept trying and trying.
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Old 17th May 2009, 08:23 AM   #13
Raymond
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Johnee I think you are handling it perfectly. You are the first man on here I have ever said that to. This chap has a deceptive hold on her which could lead to her demise were it allowed to proceed. Your conditions for her to come back are perfect. You are obviously a man of character but she has a streak or weakness that leads her astray. I have a hunch that your medicine may work in the long run. Either that or you will know exactly where you stand.

Raymond
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Old 17th May 2009, 09:07 AM   #14
Johnee S
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Thanks Raymond its good to hear something positive out of all this. j92cool that may be so, however you both are going to miss out on something that was once so special, your situation, feelings, and outlook differ from my own after all not one of us is the same. All i can do now is be still and let the pain run its course, I'm over the shoc of it all, now i'm in the anger zone following shortly is the sadness. I am not looking forward to this part.

I've made myself completely vulnerable to my Dawn, that is true love... I love her with every fiber of my being and essence, I lost her before and I found her again. I know she is lost and only she can find her way back to the safety and comforts of our love for one another. I cannot bring her back as much as I wish i could, she has to figure it all out on her own. She blames me and I understand that is where she is at the moment; I know one day she will realize everything and when she does i will be waiting either as her husband or her friend.

I don't want her to go through this ordeal alone but thats her choice now. I stand by my actions and choices and I do believe love conquers all. Call me selfish or stubborn but that is my belief and my convction, nothing will be more challenging then time and patience. I know some of you say let her go and I will, but I won't let her go completely from my life. We share a bond deeper then anything imaginable we share a bond of our children and that is omething that can never be broken by anything or anyone; not even each other.

She will go on with her live as she feels she must, I will do the same; however I will always love her no matter what she does or where she goes in her life. She is my best friend, my lover, my Wife, my lost soul mate even if she moves onto another, to me she will always be my true love and nothing or no one can take that away from me. I may grow to love agin but that will be a different chapter in life...

of the things I found in love
No moment is better then this

Of all the things I've ever known
Nothing prepared me for your kiss

If we fly
If we fly
If we fly

If we fly into the sun
of all the things I needed baby
You were my cherised one

Little bird told me that you can't find your way home
Little birdie showed me that you can't run away from Love

Jazzanova - Little Bird (ft. Jose James)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6CmEcCndGU
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Love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that the other feels the same.
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Old 17th May 2009, 10:07 AM   #15
j92cool
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Re: Do i hold on or let go

Fair enough. Sounds like you have a handle on it. Best of luck hope it all works out for the best.
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