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Old 5th November 2009, 03:24 PM   #1
Jenn
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 45
Unhappy In a bind.. need help!

I'm new here, but have been reading for some time. Love the concept of this website.

I am here because I am in a bind between my sister and my husband.

He and my sister got into an argument at one of her rare visits to our house. She said that we should all go on vacation because it would be fun as long as he doesn't get moody. Well, he did not appreciate this comment and really reacted strongly to it. She describes him as being overreactive and a baby about it and that she was just joking anyway (which I know she wasn't), she refuses to apologize. This was 2 months ago.

I am caught in the middle! My sister asked me if I thought she should apologize and I said that, no matter if she thinks that he was being too sensitive, I thought she should apologize because it hurt his feelings; so she's mad at me and, for the first time, has said that she thinks he has turned me against my family. I'm reluctant to do anything with her because my husband will accuse me of taking her side, but then not doing anything with her makes her think that he is interfering, which I guess he is. When this all happened I told my husband that I thought he overreacted to the situation and he was furious with me, thought I was being unsupportive... aaaghhh!

There is so much more to the story, but I'll start here. Please help!
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Old 5th November 2009, 05:39 PM   #2
Ageing Grace
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 738
Re: In a bind.. need help!

Can't you lie?

I mean, tell hubby your sister's sorry for hurting his feelings & tell sis he realises he should have reacted more calmly ...

Reading between the lines, your situation sounds quite a bit like Yogamad's when she first came here. How come your sister rarely visits? Is your husband always stroppy with your family?

Thanks for posting
AG
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Old 5th November 2009, 06:15 PM   #3
Jenn
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 45
Re: In a bind.. need help!

Thank you so much for replying! I first started on this website reading Yogamad's threads because they were so similar to mine. I always enjoy reading your responses....

My sister rarely visits because quite honestly she's selfish and lazy -there I said it. I always have to go to her house if she wants to see me, this has always been the case.

My husband is extremely critical of my family - he thinks that they are rude to him (which they are not). However, my uncle told him, in a drunken state, on two occassions 4 years ago, that he is going to "f" my husband's mother on our wedding night. Absolutely disgusting I know, but he just can't let this go and he hates my dad and stepmom for not taking it seriously (they kind of laughed it off because my uncle was a drunk at the time and always a joker). We worked through this in therapy becaue he thought I was being unsupportive because I wanted him to get over it and move on, we made progress with this, but he always brings it up when we fight.

My husband is the most hyper-sensitive, intolerant and critical person I know. I have to constantly walk on egg shells with him (everyone does really, including his mom). He is absolutely not and never has been even remotely physical with me, he is, however, emotionally abusive (I think) he calls me gutless and a sucker because I am a nice person and he thinks that people take advantage of me - which is NOT the case, I am actually a fairly strong person. He is loving, affectioniate, trustworthy, and honest (painfully at times). He has grounded me and given me the stability I craved. I stand up to him, but it gets exhausting, so alot of times I don't bother to save the aggravation.

As far as lying, sounds really good in theory, but it wouldn't be enough for my husband, he would expect her to call him to apologize.
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Old 5th November 2009, 06:55 PM   #4
clockwork orange
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 73
Re: In a bind.. need help!

Ow! That is a really difficult position to be in. I had something similar a couple of years ago between my H and a friend. They would not sit down and have it out no matter what I did. In the end the "friend" effectively implied it was her or H. Luckily not a family member and I was able to tell her it was over for the sake of my marriage. Yeah, it got that bad. Right choice as it happened - I found out after that she made a bit of a sport out of destroying marriages.

My H has always tended to be somewhat judgemental, which has made life difficult on occasion. Luckily he has been gutsy enough to face up to it and begin to think about his reactions and how he expresses himself. We also suspect he is Aspergers, which shows up most clearly in his inability to work out when people are joking.

Don't know what to suggest really - you can't easily turn your back on family. Ultimately though, your first priority needs to be your H. Wonder whether he would be prepared to call (or write if its easier for him) and gently! let her know that she offended him? My thought is, that if not for you in the middle they wouldn't know how each other felt about the incident. Also suggest it gives him the opportunity to be the bigger person?
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Old 5th November 2009, 08:04 PM   #5
Jenn
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 45
Re: In a bind.. need help!

Thank you guys so much for replying! Believe it or not, this is the first time in 6 years that I have talked about my problem in my marriage with anyone other than a therapist and him; so this is a HUGE step for me.

I agree, they both need to grow up! I feel like I should stand by my husband no matter what, but of course I get backlash from family for doing so. It is so unfair. If it were me in this situation, I couldn't stand the tension and, whether right or wrong, I would have to make the move; apparently that makes me an adult....

He's too stubborn to call or write; don't forsee it happening
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