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Old 19th July 2010, 12:15 AM   #1
mdmquincy
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Arrow For me!

I was going to quit posting here, as I seem to set off alarm bells with every post. But, I was posting for me, and I need the the support, so I am brazenly back. I need all of the support still available to me.
I welcome comments and good will. I can take tough love too, but bring it without supposition and projection, please. Remember the deliciously clear line between enabler and saboteur. I've enough unsubstantiated blame to last a lifetime.

Here's what's up with me:

1. My counselor challenged me to back away. I have just finished 72 hours without calling or texting M. I hope I can double it, but I can't believe I made it this far. Either way, I call victory. It seemed impossible just 72 hours ago.

2. I had a really, really, really bad day yesterday. I've gone into the planning stages. I emailed my counselor, but he has had a death in the family and cannot be accessible at the moment. .

3. M is supposed to come back from camping today. I hope he finds it in his heart to head the other direction and never return. What a blessing. Only thing better would be him being mauled by a bear.

4. I am pretty sure I am about to go buy a pack of cigarettes. I quit 7 years ago, but lapsed in Vegas last week. I had one today after 3 days of cravings. Seems like a pointless fight.

Love and love and love and no hate here,
J
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Old 19th July 2010, 03:52 AM   #2
mdmquincy
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Re: For me!

Bottoming out again. I'm starting to think I must be bipolar, only I'm told I am not. I am so down right now. Anybody out there want to chat? I could use a friendly voice.
J
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Old 19th July 2010, 07:07 AM   #3
UpandDown
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Re: For me!

Hi Jennifer

Sorry I wasn't here when you posted - it was 4am here and I was asleep.

How are you doing now? On each point

1) Well done on the 72 hours. Keep going!
2) I don't know what the planning stages means
3) What is M likely to do now he's back? Will he come round to see girls? Is that what's worrying you?
4) Buy the ciggies!!! Smoke your way through this. You can always quit once this is over.

Love you!
Kx
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Old 19th July 2010, 12:23 PM   #4
So alone
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Re: For me!

Hi mdm,

Couldn't post as twas during the night here. However wanted to say hello and wish I could pop over... it's a bit of a long walk...

I can't see the bipolar you mention, just a good person who is being shafted left right and centre so it's no wonder you're questioning your sanity.

I think upanddown is right to champion the 72 hours without contact. You have proved to yourself that have a lot of strength.

One thing I can say from only my own feelings about the no contact, it feels like the most tortuous and painful thing - like he has hacked a leg partially off and left it half hanging and bleeding. It's been left like that to finish it off yourself and it is horrendous because the only tool there is to do this is a rusty blunt spoon.

Having the choice to cut it off or leave it (even tho it is a wholly vile situation not of your doing) IS the choice that is yours and is actually better than having no choice and therefore no control over it.

However...

YOU do have that choice and YOU do have that control.

Oddly (and strangely) this is empowering, even though the choice is the worst thing ever in the world - it actually strengthens you. (And it already has).

You have managed yourself for those 72 hours. You inspire me to keep going.


Hope my analogy isn't too 'far out' I seem to be using metaphors the past day or so!

I think you're great so please don't quite posting as you help me tremendously.
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Old 19th July 2010, 06:12 PM   #5
mdmquincy
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Re: For me!

Hour 91

No, it's a great analogy. Rusty spoon and all. Unfortunately, this old girl with the rusty spoon doesn't know if she want to suffer looking at that leg or sever it. No options seem good, all seem like a complete wash. There we have it, not much of a fighter, huh? Actually, I'm going to take that back. I've got plenty of fight. The problem is that the thing I am fighting is the basis of my self-worth and accomplishment, and I can't right fight that, or I don't know how. If I fight against M, I am fighting against me. We've been one too long. I can't sever.

Still haven't bought any cigarettes. It took me so long to quit, but I am still leaning that way.

I forget the time difference, you guys are 6 hours ahead of me. Unfortunately, my lowest points seem to coincide with your sleep cycle.

Today, I have a mammogram. Yeah! Then, tonight, I have my gun safety class.

How are you doing today?
J
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Old 19th July 2010, 06:28 PM   #6
UpandDown
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Re: For me!

Hi Jennifer

I've had a good day thanks. Pain in my back/pelvis is a lot better than last week as I had a 11/2 hour sports massage yesterday. Trouble is I need one every week but can only afford once a month!

How was the mammogram? And the gun class?

What's the latest with M? Are the girls wanting contact and if so, will you manage to keep deached?

Thinking of you.
Lots of love
Kathryn
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Old 19th July 2010, 11:57 PM   #7
So alone
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Re: For me!

Hey,

I have decided to drink Vodka this evening. It is a Monday and I think that Vodka is good for Mondays. (Am a teeny bit concerned that I am using alcohol for the second night running but then maybe a few nights is ok - all things considered).

Hope your gun class went well? It must be good to have a focus on something else.

Sever the leg or look at it for a bit longer? I know that either option is horrendous. Don't want it to be either decision. It's so painful but wow 91 hours and counting! Way to go. You spur me on no end.

Wish I had a magic wand for us all x
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Old 20th July 2010, 04:28 AM   #8
mdmquincy
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Re: For me!

Hour 100... I threw a small party in my head.

Mammogram went as well as it could. Squish and push, push and squish.

The gun class was boring. Tomorrow we shoot; tonight was just lecture. I learned a little about the law and quite a bit about gun safety. The class was not well taught, but that's probably just because I am a teacher. Lots of info in a small time frame--good thing I am a quick study!

I am now officially smoking again. Bought a pack, and I have had three. No reason to quit as my outlook is more and mre pathetic. No call back from the counselor. Thank goodness for the samaritans. Thank goodness.

I think M must be able to ignore the pain he has caused without hearing from me. I know he must think that the worst is over. I know differently. The path is clear for ou complete distruction. Way to go M, way to go Daddy, way to go once-upon-a-man.

@Kathryn-- The girls don't want to see Micheal. It's me that wants to see him. They know him as a horror now. Only I remember what could be. Oldest said she wishes he was dead. I concur quietly. He is lost to his own ego. Lost to his own illness, in no want of a cure. He is asea.

@SA--Vodka sounds good. I may have one in a couple of days. I need a mojito, but my new med concentration makes me sooooooooo sleepy at bedtime.

Puppy is well.

I am rambling.

Night, sweet princesses of misfortune. I love you one and all,
J
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Old 20th July 2010, 06:44 AM   #9
UpandDown
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Re: For me!

Hi Jennifer

Well done for the 100 hour mark - 103 by now I imagine! You're doing really well. I'm glad that the girls don't want to see M (although sad for them that he has screwed up so badly with them) but at least you can remain in control of whether you contact him or not.

To M 100 hours probably doesn't seem like much although it has been torturous for you. He's probably still just in relieved mode. Give him a while to start to wonder....a couple more days and he'll probably come up with some reason to contact you.

How are the girls coping now? Better since they have given up on him or do they seem even more upset now? Bless them, it's so unfair isn't it. At least they have you holding it all together.

Lots of love
Kathryn
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Old 21st July 2010, 03:36 AM   #10
mdmquincy
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Re: For me!

124 hours!

I am starting to get mad. I think. I know I probably need to contact him now, but I actually had a decent today. Yesterday, I could care less if I fell over dead, today I have a little of my sass going.

I am now officially licensed to carry a gun, having passed my safety course. I also shot at the range and did pretty well if I may say so. All bullets hit the target after shooting from 3 yds, 10 yds, and 15 yds. Not too shabby.

Littlest bit had a stellar today, because she had a cooking class, couldn't have been more pleased. I went to the school for a while to work and stopped by and told my principal and vice principal about M's behavior and the probable restraining order (now I may be able to resist calling). I figured they needed to know. I tried to be strong, but ended up crying like a baby. I hate, hate, hate asking for help or appearing weak. Sometimes though you have to do what you have to do.

Oldest bit had a horrible day. Cried a lot, she is overtired from band activities and has a bladder infection, but she is also crying because of the turmoil in our lives. It's not my fault they all abandoned us. No one deserves this treatment. Not me, but especially not my girls.

Got home late, but took time to grill some chops and heat up some veggies. Nice dinner and a little cleanup. Forum, then bed.

I love you peeps big time,
J
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Old 21st July 2010, 04:17 AM   #11
mdmquincy
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Re: For me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by UpandDown View Post
At least they have you holding it all together.
I have not held it together, but I have done one thing. I have borrowed the love and kindness of some special friends to build a new family. I am forever indebted to them for getting me this far along. Who says blood is thicker than water?

J
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Old 21st July 2010, 07:06 AM   #12
UpandDown
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Re: For me!

Give yourself credit, Jennifer. You have held it together!! Just because you sobbed at school doesn't detract from that. You are there for your kids in spite of everything, cooking chops etc and cleaning!

Sorry to hear your eldest is having a rough time. I hope she gets over her bladder infection asap - that can't be helpng.

Great about the restraining order. If you can do that it really will pull M up short.

124 hours - go you! You should switch to days now!!

Love Kathryn
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Old 21st July 2010, 09:11 AM   #13
So alone
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Re: For me!

Yes, I think tally up the time in days now and you're doing this brilliantly. Like I've mentioned - you really spur me on.

I think breaking down and crying doesn't show weakness at all but shows your inner strength and strength in that form is love.

I feel lucky to have found this forum and through this I have found an oasis of friendship.
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Old 22nd July 2010, 02:15 PM   #14
Wiggle
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Re: For me!

Hi Jen,

I love SA's analogy of the leg. It sums it up pretty neatly - they're just too gutless to administer the coup de gras, so having dragged us through cr*p they make us finish it off too.!

Smoking is better than alcoholism

No contact for 130+ hours by now! Go girl! I think Kathryn's right - it probably doesn't seem like long to him at all. But be cautious aout getting your hopes up. The no-contact is for your sanity, not to get them to call you. I'd not rung ex for weeks, only seen him very briefly when I went to collect stuff, and he's never rung me. I rang him on Sat morning as a result of one counselling session - bad idea. I'd recommend leaving them to stew in their own juices. Us putting pressure on them is only going to make the situation worse. Us starting to pull away from them will make us stronger and them weaker.

I'm sorry to hear your eldest is having a rough time of it. You're right, nobody deserves this. I hear cranberry juice is supposed to be very good for urinary tract infections (My grandmother get them all the time)?

I'm normally a very independent person and hate asking for help too. But this has taught me that we all need help. Asking for help strengthens bonds with friends and collegues, makes you human. I've nearly broken down in front of my boss at our weekly meetings! But showng our feelings is part of our strength. 'A trouble shared...'

You have held it together. You may have wobbled at times but so have we all.

You sound better to me.

How's it going with the restraining order?

Big hugs,

Axx
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Old 23rd July 2010, 01:21 AM   #15
mdmquincy
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Re: For me!

Didn't make it. I texted and called. I overdosed on xanax and hydrcodones. I'm in the hospital with a full time sitter. More later.
J
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