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Old 16th July 2010, 01:04 PM   #91
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Sorry, quick post but felt I had too!

"Said I had some important mail that he thought it best he opened"

I could be jumping the gun a bit here but...he did WHAT? It was your mail, nothing to do with him, especially now. And he made the decision that he thought it was 'best he opened it'? He didn't even ask you?

Sounds to me he's a bit of a control freak?

You're not worthless. It might be worth paying a visit to the doctor - when my sister split up with her long-term boyfriend she was diagnosed with reactive depression and got some pills that really helped her through it, and it does sound as though you're very low.

Think about what terms you would want the split to be on. Don't let him route-march you through it and get it all his own way before you've had a chance to think about it.

Axxx
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Old 16th July 2010, 09:15 PM   #92
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

I know, I did think it odd that he opened my mail and this is the second time he has done it. Both times the mail he opened were letters from the job centre re my signing times, but can't think for the life of me why he thought they were important enough for him to open when I have had far more important mail that he hasn't. Unless he is looking for something?

Not heard a jot from him and i feel gone. I don't know if I should apply for a divorce or what to do? My dad thinks he might have another woman but can't provide any evidence to support such a theory. It might add up as to all the things he has said and also why he is so touchy and secretive. Might explain the family 'wanting rid of me'
Might explain the odd comments from another family member about believing humans aren't cut out for monogamy. Might not explain anything. Don't know. I could just be trying so hard to find an answer that I'll take anything that seems to fit.

I miss company, some one to talk about nice things, like gardening or silly funny things. I miss going out in London and miss being happy and confident. I would like to do something but up here it's so difficult because there just isn't much TO do or people to meet.

I have to go to the place where we got married tomorrow for a wedding and it's so upsetting that I can't even bear the thought. It's cutting me up inside so much I can't stop crying. My dad is coming with me to help and support me. I am lucky to have loving parents. That just makes me cry even more because where would i be without them


Please help some how
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Old 17th July 2010, 03:36 PM   #93
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

Sorry it's going to be a quick one, got to dive out in a bit.

That's what parent are for. I'm glad your Dad is going with you tomorrow.

Yes, we do drive ourselves insane trying to work out what is going on in their heads! Are they doing that for us? I don't think so...

Not sure I can help. I'm getting conflicting advice from my telephone and face-to-face counselllors myself; one says to maintain contact, the other says not to . The men in white coats will be round shortly....

But I'm sending you huge, warm hugs and good karma. I hope the wedding today wasn't too bad

Axx
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Old 17th July 2010, 09:55 PM   #94
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

@Wiggle... just wanted to back you up on conflicting opinions. They're a dime a dozen; everyone's got one.

@ SA- How did the wedding go? I could never do it. Glad your dad is going with you for support. WIthout him, you'd be more of a mess like me. Give him a hug for me. I need one.

J
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Old 18th July 2010, 10:05 PM   #95
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hey Wiggle & MDM,

Going to the same place where we got married was awful. I was very upset and it was very difficult.
What has been more upsetting and difficult is finding out his brother has been sending him info about getting Viagra and he has joined a flatshare website so I now know what he is planning with regards to our house.
I feel sick with everything.
Why doesn't he just tell me so we can sit down and sort all our things out. Surely he wouldn't just take all my stuff and/or throw it all away? Surely not?....
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Old 18th July 2010, 11:51 PM   #96
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

I can imagine. Horrible. Everywhere I go I see a little of M, but to compound that with the wedding site has to be overwhelming! And, the brother... I have little saboteurs running around everywhere too, and I'll let them handle their own karma at the moment. I am done defending myself to others at the moment. Sucks to 'em. I have enough on my plate. Sounds like you are doing the same.

You may want to give him an ultimatum, maybe not, just a thought.
J
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Old 19th July 2010, 01:33 AM   #97
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

I see the solicitor on Tuesday afternoon so will see what the general advice is but yes it will probably be an ultimatum because it seems has no backbone whatsoever nor any honor for me on any level to be decent to me.
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Old 19th July 2010, 07:09 AM   #98
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Good luck at the solicitors tomorrow. Really does sound like you've got to be tough with him.

So sorry you had to go through the wedding scenario - must have been awful.

Sending you lots of love.
Kathryn
x
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Old 19th July 2010, 06:19 PM   #99
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Also wishing you luck with the solicitor today! It's a good move. I still have not officially hired a lawyer, but did my preliminary consultation, and he/she should give you some piece of mind that you are protecting your options.

Let us know how it goes. We are rooting for you!
J
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Old 20th July 2010, 01:08 AM   #100
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

I can't sleep - am worried about the solicitor tomorrow. Silly really isn't it but I've written a long list of things I need to ask and be sure about. Have spent all evening on the internet looking through the legal sides of getting separated and / or divorced.

I don't want to do this at all.

Keep hearing songs on the TV that he used to sing to me. Can't stop crying. I can hear him singing to me like he used to.

Why would he think the grass is greener? Why would he not want to even just talk to me and more to the point why would he lie to me?

I can't work it out. Can't deal with this. No-one I know can either as no-one I know has been through anything quite anywhere near this

My aunty is the only person I know who has ever got divorced and even then her now ex husband came out and told her straight away that he had met someone else.

Why can't I be granted some honesty?

There was none of this dragging things out and even telling fundamental lies.
She knew where she stood. I don't seem to have been offered such a courtesy yet have been given all the blame for anything and everything. It really is grossly unreasonable. It hurts more than anything I could describe.

Every man I saw this afternoon looked like him. He has such similar mannerisms to my dad, I even find that distressing beyond belief.

i miss having a cuddle with him and a cup of tea.

Am I pathetic to feel like this? I sure as hell feel like I am

I know that he not only doesn't care but is not even thinking about me.
It's torturing me so much
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Old 20th July 2010, 04:33 AM   #101
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Quote:
Originally Posted by So alone View Post
Am I pathetic to feel like this? I sure as hell feel like I am
IDK if pathetic is the word, but I understand the sentiment. Who the hell gets over this quickly? I am wearing scars everywhere. Some, I reopen every moment, but I did not make the first cut. I can't nurse the wounds any better than you can.

As always, you are not alone. Healing is not an overnight tonic. We've got a ways to go, and I often wonder if I'll see it through. Day by day. Night by night. Post by post. Tragedy by tragedy. It's a line of clear deceit and treachery. Treason, even.

Piss on 'em, SA. We deserve better.
J
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Old 20th July 2010, 12:27 PM   #102
Helen_uk
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

Don't be too sure that he isn't thinking about you, some people seem able to hide their feelings pretty well.

It's been almost 4 years since I split with my ex and he finally moved out of our ( my ) house a few weeks ago..I moved out 18 months ago but he stayed on. We've not had much communication in the last couple of years but strangely we had quite a long conversation on MSN the night before he finally left. I managed to get a few things sorted that had bothered me since ( and during ) the split.

He had always seemed very distant and switched off toward me , whilst I was a complete emotional mess at the time and I asked him why he'd been that way ... He said the only way he'd been able to cope with seeing me so hurt was to completely block everything out and retreat into a shell... he still cared about me and while I was the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve , he tends to bury his feelings as self protection . He'd had quite a repressed childhood and showing emotion was considered a bad thing.

I asked him why he was so adamant that he wanted us to stay in touch whilst I basically wanted him out of my life , he told me he needed to know I was safe ... It seems to me that once time had passed and I was settled with someone else he felt able to come clean about his own feelings .. for me, us and on the break up. I'd spent the last 4 years thinking him cold and callous and without any remorse at all, appears he did feel remorse just didn't feel it right ( or that it would help ) to display it.

4 years down the line , having gone through every emotion toward him from deep love to desperate hate I arrived at disinterest and was able to wish him well for his future ( and mean it ! ) and not panic at the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again.

The feelings you're having are perfectly normal and they do pass , not having a truth or honest answers to your questions is hard , but you start to realize that at the end of the day the reasons don't matter so much , the outcome is what matters and what you do afterwards.

I wish I could bottle that feeling I have now and send some to you..

Hugs

Helen
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Old 20th July 2010, 11:02 PM   #103
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi SA,

I'm so sorry you had to go through the wholoe wedding thing. You didn't need that right now.

I hope the solicitor's went ok, and it'd given you a rough plan. I found having a plan of action helped, thinking about what I needed to do distracted me from some of the other rubbish.
Quote:
I don't want to do this at all.
We're all right beside you on that one. Whether it be through depression, MLC, Bipolar or plain downright unfaithfullness none of us wanted to be here, doing this. We've all been pushed into it. The number of times I've wished for a magic wand...but hey, we're making some great friends on this site so that at least is one good thing to come out of this.

Why not be straight with you - guilt? He's too ashamed to tell you the truth?

You're not pathetic. I went through a stage of feeling very low and emotional, and the people around me were wonderful. You're feeling vulnerable, confused and hurt right now. None of that is pathetic. He, on the other hand, is truly pathetic!

Sending you warm hugs and a virtual mug of tea,

Axxxx
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Old 21st July 2010, 12:18 AM   #104
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Thanks everyone and I'm sorry you're all repeating yourselves.

I'm sorry for not being very good.

i feel like such the drag because I know I must sound like a stuck record going round and round and round

I'm sure i'm supposed to be getting over it all now but I'm not. In fact far from it, it feels like I'm only just starting to go through it but now far more thoroughly.

Saw the solicitor and she was fantastic.
Very helpful and very supportive and understanding. Mind you this is what she does for a living but I felt she was genuine which certainly helped me feel a little better.

My dad liked he manner and even though he didn't come in with me he said she seemed like a good person.
Was supposed to be 20 mins for a chat but ended up being an hour. when I cried she helped and was very patient and clear. She again said what every single person has said about why he is and has behaved the way he has. Said it sounds like he is having some kind of severe mental breakdown. didn't look suprised when I told her about his dad being a manic depressive. didin't look surprised when I said all of his depressed behaviour and the crying and the feeling inadequate- said it could well have been triggered by turning 40 and realising what he is and has not achieved in his life.

Said divorce is really the best option so as to protect myself financially. Said i could try to speak to him to mediate things - especially because he is lying so much and so convincingly. Said if it didn't work then she could instruct everything through the solicitors and get an order to force him to comply.
She said all that i mentioned is actually abuse. the critism, the blaming, the shouting, the swearing, the put downs, the threats, the violence = abuse. I feel like some weak minded fool not realising and accepting she is right.
Still feel like an idiot now. How have I allowed that to happen?

I felt so upset and almost like I was betraying him by just being there. How awful and absurd is that?!

I have drank vodka all night and eaten cakes. I am putting on the weight that fell off but am losing my hair still. My mum noticed and it made me cry.

He knows that I am sensitive and he would know I am suffering. He could make it easier by being civil instead of all this deceiving behaviour. Hurts so much to think he has taken other girls out for 'dinner'. Probably taken viagra oh god it sickens me beyond anything that I am.

Can't believe he hasn't contacted me at all. Not even once. It really is like out of site, out of mind. He has thrown me away with the rubbish. And that's certainly what I feel like. I must be of no value to him at all.

I am concerned I must look like some desperado or some kind of weird person who is unlovable - I must be.

I know I am very vulnerable and that concerns me more because there isn't a great deal I can do about that. Feel frightened and nervous of people and saying the wrong thing or being the 'wrong' way. I keep making simple mistakes or missing the blindingly obvious. All of these anxiety feelings have only come about since this began and he didn't need me to go through this did he?
So pointless unless he is getting some sick pleasure from it. Either he is or his family are.

Have read my thread from the very beginning and it has been a constant slippery slope down and I have been helpless. He must dislike me very much but can't provide any reason at all as to why.

Don't know what else to say. Feel so pointless.

What on earth could he possibly want out of life to behave like this?
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Old 21st July 2010, 01:07 AM   #105
JWD
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Re: I want to understand

Well, the thing about the slippery slope is that there is then only the way up to go. You don't ever have to apologise here for whatever your mood and emotion is today. We all do it. Today i'm fine, tomorrow I may be depressed again - it doesn't matter here. You're allowed!

Its sickening the thought of it. I found viagra my ex had too, along with presents etc. I think I didn the wrong thing though. I actually managed to block it all and it is coming back because I suppose you can't run forever. Now, I wish I had faced everything but back then I just thought no more pain, no more hurt so I don't know really which way is worse. Its been 16 months for me so I don't want to depress you as I know when it first happened to me, I just wanted the torment to be over and when I looked at people so far along it made me think I never would get over it. But you do, and we will. I've had a brilliant year considering. It doesn't mean that I don't still mourn and feel sad about it. Its part of my history now and that's just that. I guess its all about coming to terms with it and finding some sort of acceptance. What i'm trying to say is that yes, people get over it eventually but that its ok to still grieve and that although we all still post here, it doesn't mean that we have a rubbish life.

I think I'll post here forever lol. One day I will post that I met him and didn't imagine an axe through his skull lol. Kidding, I'm all about the forgiveness these days.

re solicitors - many are trained in family law and will be caring, they are human afterall and they will look after your best interests but just bare in mind that charge for every call etc so try to keep to the point and only get their advice when necessary

Much love xxxxx
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