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Old 11th July 2010, 07:47 AM   #106
So alone
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hey Wiggle,

I think the same as d&c and think that anyone who treats you that lamely and appallingly WILL have a lot of guilt somewhere inside them.


It will catch up with him eventually because in life you can not run away from your own shadow. People try to, some people permanently run away from facing things but all they are doing is delaying the inevitable and whilst they do that they have not got peace in their heart, nor are they truly happy. Their heart is not at rest and these people are afraid and so live their life with that. In doing so they miss out on all that life brings. That's a half life and a very sad one.
I know for me, I do not want to live like that.
One day he will have to face everything he has done to you.
You're heart is strong - that's why it is so painful because you aren't afraid. You have helped me and so many others so much, even through all of what has been happening to me.

That's real.
That's strength and that's true kindness and love.
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Old 11th July 2010, 09:21 PM   #107
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

So alone you are sooo wise - and I'm not just saying that because I am drunk.

Dan will reap what he sows according to the book I am reading.......

Love you all
x

(hic)
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Old 11th July 2010, 11:27 PM   #108
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

I agree with SA I know you've helped me so much. We can cry to each other yet throw some humour in . These guys have made us feel bad but we're not bad.Yes we're hurt yes we're angry but who wouldn't be? It's not that we got dumped that we can't handle but how.I'm sure I say that alot but it's true. It's like Hmmm I woke up this morning and realised I don't love you?? How long has it been for most of us on here right now ( the newbies) all under 6 months. We're still babies to the hurt. When you look at it most of us put in 10 years 6 months is nothing to get over that pain.
Keep being you I think your great

Love Val
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Old 15th July 2010, 05:15 PM   #109
mdmquincy
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Self-pity. Honey, self-healing. We've got to look at our losses honestly, or we'll just have to revisit. I am up and down a hundred times a day, but I learn a little more from every down. The ups are just there to balance the account.

I admire every bit of distaste you can muster; I can't seem to manage it. You are a strong woman, and more help to me than you can know!

Love ya oodles,
J
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Old 15th July 2010, 05:42 PM   #110
LisaMarieSings.Com
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Well. Relationships can be hard. I think being on both sides of being in a good one and a bad one the good one hands down is best. Good meaning you are communicating and learning about each other, and more importantly on the same page. I stayed in a relationship for 10 years to finally walk away. I knew at year one it was not going to ultimately give me what I wanted. But I was born to fix things.

As a wedding singer I see so many types of relationships and are always taking bets whether they work out or not. To my knowledge in 20 years only about 20% of the marriages I have performed for are still marriages...

Lisa Marie
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Old 18th July 2010, 03:42 PM   #111
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Thank you guys, for all your lovely posts!

I saw my NHS face-to-face counsellor for the second time on Friday. She agreed that perhaps he had wanted to see me, that opening up was for him like learning a new language and there were times when he was going to fluff it up, and perhaps he'd not rung becuase I'd always been the organiser, the initiator in our relationship. Which is true. She added that communication was the key here and that maybe I was refusing to ring him because some part of me wanted to 'sabotage' any chance of sorting this out.

I disagree with the sabotage thing, but I had a good long think about it and being open to sugestions I plucked up the guts to ring him yesterday morning. The good news is he saw the doc yesterday and he's finally got an assesment form for psychotherapy (sigh). And he's still taking the pills.

The rest of it wasn't so great. His voice was very down, very weary. He says he's thrown himself into his badminton. He came out with 'I'm just plodding along' three times in 10 mins. There were more of the 'I don't know' and 'I'm not sure'. He said he wants to get over 'this', whatever it was. I asked him if he meant 'us' or his head. He said - yes, you've got it - 'I don't know'. Wahey.

He sounds like he's reverted right back to where he was before the year of counselling.

So, after that conversation I rang the telephone counsellor I have access to via work. She said I should not have rung him, I shouldn't make contact, 'I don't know' isn't good enough, I shouldn't spend my time researching his problem, and was I thinking about a new relationship yet?

It felt a bit 'Get your life together and get on with it' which, whilst I can see where she (and some friends) are coming from, isn't that easy when your head is pulling in one direction and your heart is refusing to budge!

So, the moral of the story is never talk to two counsellors; counsellors are only people and have differing opinions that aren't always right...

@ J - distate; sit down with pen & paper and list all the nasty things he's said or done. Somehow writing it out seems to bring it home more.

@ Val - I think you're fab. I really admire you for your bat work! Yes, you're right, it's not been long in the grand scheme of things. I hope he falls for a lass who smokes, likes to watch all the soaps and football, spends hours applying make-up and won't help with DIY in case she breaks her nails! (Apologies anyone who does the above, that's just what he said he hates..) Did you get anything at the market?

@SA - you're spot on. He is afraid, very afraid. Afraid of being in a relationship, afraid not to be because he doesn't want to be alone. He's trapped, and trapping me with him.....Hmmm.

Had a lovely time at Kathryn's last night and have just shared the remains of the pavlova with my brother, thank you K!

Hope you've all had good weekends and are mellowing with wine / chocolate (wish Jen had never mentioned it's good for seratonnin levels - that's now my excuse...) in hot baths or whatever your sin is!

Huge chocolatey hugs,

Axxx
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Old 18th July 2010, 07:29 PM   #112
So alone
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hey Wiggle, I know what you mean about the conflict of advice. It's awful hearing one thing and then another. It's also worse hearing from people say 'haven't you moved on?' Or they try to jolly you up with 'he's a good looking man'.
These people do not understand.

I find it odd (but sadly not surprising considering my own situation) that after you called him he is still living in 'Wallowsville'....
I think it is a town twinned with 'Dontknowford' which is a miserable and unknown place somewhere on the A1 past 'Needtofindmyselfton' which is on an unclassified B road down a one way only dirt track C road past the unpleasant hamlet of 'Takingnoresponsibilityillmakeityourfaultsoyoufeel bad' that isn't even on a map.

I seem to know these places only too well. Glad you're not still living there.


What they don't realise is that by running away from their own shadow they are also running away from the warmth of the sun.
You can't have one without the other.

(Am feeling rather metaphorical this eve). I have also drank a glass of wine so I do apologise.
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Old 18th July 2010, 07:49 PM   #113
UpandDown
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

I love the metaphors SA (but then I too have had a glass of wine!!!)

Where abouts do you actually live? If you're near me and Wiggle we could all meet up and drink wine together!! (Have you heard about Wiggle's stash....)

I totally agree it is unbelievable how someone can remain so undecided for so long. Don't people understand that making no decision is actually making a decision and that sometimes any decision is better than indecision....

I can't be doing with it.

x
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Old 18th July 2010, 10:31 PM   #114
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

I'm afraid I broke with the trend and have had a bottle of pear & apple cider...
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Old 18th July 2010, 11:46 PM   #115
mdmquincy
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Quote:
Originally Posted by So alone View Post
I find it odd (but sadly not surprising considering my own situation) that after you called him he is still living in 'Wallowsville'....
I think it is a town twinned with 'Dontknowford' which is a miserable and unknown place somewhere on the A1 past 'Needtofindmyselfton' which is on an unclassified B road down a one way only dirt track C road past the unpleasant hamlet of 'Takingnoresponsibilityillmakeityourfaultsoyoufeel bad' that isn't even on a map.
How deliciously clever! I am stealing these for my own use J
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Old 19th July 2010, 07:04 PM   #116
So alone
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

I have made someone smile and so in turn I have smiled
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Old 22nd July 2010, 05:41 PM   #117
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

SA - you didn't just make smile, you made me hoot! Thank you, you gem! I think you should be writing some of this down and turning it into a book. You've come out with some lovely stuff on here. Take a poo-ey situation and make gold from it....

Kathryn - you've not seen the stash I hav still at ex's! When I have my flat warming, we may all partake of: Royal's mint & choc liqueur, Bailey's, Tia Maira, Malibu, Dooley's, Blue Bols, melon L, Mozart chocolate L, butterscotch L...(Can you imagine that all in the same glass??! I like it, buy it, then never drink it...)

I've got 3 days off work this week. I had hoped to hit the beach before the schools broke up, but the weather's been fairly rubbish. So just chilling - writing on here, lots of reading, watching films, lie-ins...

Aam seeing the NHS counsellor tomorrow morning. I'm planning on giving her a red card to flash at me every time I start talking about him and his problems. I don't want to waste any more of my counselling time banging on about him!

Great hugs to you all,

Axx
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Old 23rd July 2010, 05:34 AM   #118
dazed and confused
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi Wiggle

But he is the problem that's why you have to go to the counselor in the first place.I think it's good to get everything out.Then you can move on if you keep everything inside you'll explode one day. We've been mourning our lose which they haven't I know it will catch up with them.I'll explain more on my thread.

Hmmmm I have my stash also that I don't drink but it looks good. Mine was for the staff party we never ended up having.We should have a really big party think they'd let me bring it on the plane?? We can play pin the tail on the jack a@s I wonder who's pic we can use??


Love You Tons

Val
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Old 24th July 2010, 03:14 AM   #119
mdmquincy
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Quote:
Originally Posted by dazed and confused View Post
We can play pin the tail on the jack a@s I wonder who's pic we can use??
ahahahahaha.... i already tore all the pictures in half. Isn't that the first job? LOL. Seriously. I'm running out of things to tear up. Already tore up all of his Navy momentos.

Ass, donkey, same difference.
J
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Old 27th July 2010, 10:53 AM   #120
Wiggle
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Re: Long term relationship on the rocks

Hi all,

Had a nice break. It wasn't without it's dark patches, but at least they were patches rather than whole days. Previously, if I'd had time off we'd have done something together. But I did need the break, especially given the chaos that will ensue tomorrow! Spent the weekend in Souhtmapton at my sister's and went to the beach

Sorry I've not been posting much - I'm on move #3 into flat #1 starting tomorrow! Am looking forward to being in my own place with a decent shower and somewhere to put my stash of wine.

Val, that's a good point re. the counselling. Thankyou, I feel less dumb for banging on about him now! Although I don't the NHS lady 'gets' me as well as the Vallidium lady did. I might go back to her privately - she did say she can do a reduction.

Hi Jen, soo glad to see you're still posting and gutted to hear what's been going on your end! Sending you buckets of peace. I was perusing the self-help section of Amazon and I came across 'Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You', read the 'look inside' bit and thought immediately of you. It's written by a lady about her marriage break-down and how she got past that, and it mentions fear of abandonement. Might get it myself (I'm building up quite a wish list!) but thought I'd let you know....

Kathryn, SA, I'm definitely up for getting together on the 3rd September. Will post more when I'm settled in.

Huge, loving hugs to all you fabulous people,

Axx
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