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Old 28th July 2010, 01:51 PM   #151
dazed and confused
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi Kathryn

It is weird how now everything they say and text we pick apart.

I tried to find that book you were talking about but I can't seem to find it here.I found so many other ones to many to pick.

Maybe if things don't workout with george he might have a friend.Who knows

I think your doing great so don't beat yourself up.

Love and Hugs
Val
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Old 3rd August 2010, 08:34 PM   #152
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Low day today. They seem to coincide with James being really difficult which always seems to coincide with me not having had a proper break at the weekend!!!

Our friend Helen came over today and I resisted the urge to ask about him for the first two hours (she saw him on Sat) but after that I gave in. As anticipated, it hasn't helped! I knew it wouldn't - it's like torturing myself.

I also wrote a reply to an email his folks sent me and it was brutally honest about how I was feeling (they did ask!) but haven't heard anythng back yet so that feels cr*p!

x
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Old 4th August 2010, 11:29 PM   #153
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi everyone

Well, mystery solved! Dan does have another woman after all!

I've had a dreadful day but I think overall I am a lot better off than this time yesterday when I didn't understand what had gone on.

Now I understand it very well. I think it's pathetic, childish, stupid, weak, lacking in integrity etc etc but at least I know where I stand.

Her husband emailed me to tell me. It's someone from the amdram group. Someone I actually suspected anyway ages ago. She's left her husband of 17 years (3 kids) to be with Dan who has no money and 2 small children. Very bizarre....can't imagine what they're thinking but good luck to them - they're going to need it!!

In some ways it's a huge relief as I don't have to keep a window open for him. Up until now I've been thinking one day he might come round from the "depression" and I'll want to make a go of it then. Now I realise what I took to be depression was really him wanting to leave me for her. I cant believe anyone could be so cowardly and gutless. And the ridiculous thing is he is denying it - his words to me were "we've been out on a few dates since we broke up" - hmmmm right.

I need to focus on protecting the boys now. James was so bad last week I am convinced she was there on the Saturday and that threw him. If he can't promise to not have her there when they are there he is not having them as it is too soon for them to be able to cope with. It just totally backs up the impression I've been getting that he's been less and less bothered about the boys. He doesn't want what's best for them, he wants what's best for him.

He's coming over to discuss things on Tuesday "if that's the way I want to approach things." Honestly, everything he does or says is designed to stop him taking responsibility for anything. However, thinking about how his family are (parents always smooth everything over - including this btw) it's not surprising. He literally has never had to take responsibility for anything.

The blinkers are totally off now and I will protect my children fiercly from his unhealthy behaviour.

Any advice?

x
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Old 4th August 2010, 11:29 PM   #154
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

PS bawled out his mother this morning! Felt great.
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Old 5th August 2010, 03:40 AM   #155
mdmquincy
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Re: Limbo No More

I'm catching up as well. Sorry, the latest developments are setting you back. But I am registering some major strength in that sass, young lady. I think of you often, and I'm rooting for you 110%. Please let me know how I can fill your love tank. You are important to me.
J
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Old 5th August 2010, 07:42 AM   #156
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Have woken up today at least grateful for the fact that I now understand why he refused point blank to work on it and instead threw away 10 years.

They must think it's big love! I hope they fall flat on their faces when reality hits.

x
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Old 5th August 2010, 11:52 AM   #157
Wiggle
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi Kathryn,

I got your texts. Sorry, I fell asleep at 9.30pm - early for me!

I was thinking that the title of your thread is now 100% true - definitley 'limbo no more'.

I am so, so sorry. He is being incredibly selfish, especially if he's already said to you all he can handle are 'superficial' relationships. If that's all he's going to have with her, what about her family? I suspect it's all going to go horribly pear-shaped and she'll be crawling back to her H at some point. So he ruins even more lives. So sad….
Quote:
Now I realise what I took to be depression was really him wanting to leave me for her

It was probably both. Apparently it's not uncommon for depressed men to have affairs as the adrenalin temporarily blots out the depression. Of course when it all settles down, no adrenalin….I do wonder if ex has got up to anything with one of the girls from his badminton club he's being going to twice a week for years. I think one had her eye on him at a birthday party we went to for one of the club members. When I said something, he just said 'Oh, she's got problems too apparently'. Not 'No, I don't fancy her'. Paranoia…? *sigh*

I am disgusted and livid over his behaviour with the boys! He wanted them most, you gave them to him and now he just want's 'out' of the reponsibility? Grrr!

What you say about his parents - makes a lot of sense with that 'boundaries' book. He's never had to face up to the consequences of his behaviour, his parents have done that for him.

I think refusing him access unless he can promise not to have her around is good, in principle. On the other hand if he's not that bothered about the boys, is that just giving him what he wants, no responsibility? And you need the time to yourself too. I'm not sure what the best solution here is, but I'm pretty certain giving him what he wants isn't it. Is there any other 'consequence' you can use to ensure that he does have the boys, but she's not there? CSA? Telling everyone he's been unfaithful?

What about access for his parents? If they think his behaviour is acceptable, should they have access at all? If his behaviour results in them losing access, they might be a bit harder on him? I'm thinking on my feet here, so may be a bit lop-sided…

He is a spineless idiot, and yes, it will all come crashing down around their ears.

So when are you up for the speed-dating? :-)

You don't like hugs; can I send you a large wine glass of love & affection instead?!

Axxx
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Old 5th August 2010, 01:17 PM   #158
Helen_uk
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi Kathryn

I'm sorry to hear this but sadly it often proves to be the case when a spouse " suddenly " decides they no longer want to be married.

Now you have the full picture , at least you know what you're dealing with and you know sometimes having a concrete reason makes it easier to cope long term. You know it was nothing you did, you know it wasn't purely down to the state of his mental health . You have nothing to beat yourself up about .

Relationships built on deceiving others rarely work out ( if they can cheat on their spouses , they can cheat on each other etc ) so there probably isn't much longevity in their relationship , they've hurt a lot of people in the process and these things have a habit of turning round and biting them on the ass.

So what can you do now ? Look after number one . Put things on an official footing , financially and with access to the children. I think you've been incredibly understanding of his needs so far, time to show him you have claws I think. Ending a marriage because of infidelity gives him much less right to any empathy , and as for his family supporting him.. it's unfair but typical. Unless they knew what was going on , they probably feel embarrassed and wrong footed. If they DID know what was going on, they deserve as little empathy as him .

You can do this , seriously. You're strong and capable and he is so not worth you.

Helen
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Old 5th August 2010, 01:37 PM   #159
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Thanks! I have decided I will force him to sign an agreement between us - something he wouldn't even discuss before. It won't be legally binding but at least it will cover everything that may come up and when he breaks it I have something to go to the solicitors with.

Some good ideas about her at the house. I need to wait and see what he says on Tuesday night. It's possible she'll have moved in by then so we'll all need to work it out together. I would have preferred to have her introduced to James gradually. I defnitely think the sudden introduction (what did he see?) two Saturdays ago definitely caused the anxiety. He'll probably deny it but at least he will see the link and think more carefully in future.

Helen - what you say is right. I definitely feel better today. It all seems like a nightmare still, but finding this out was a shock which has now passed and I just think he's an idiot. I even more can't see what I saw in him. I can't imagine this relationship will be successful but who knows. And who cares?!!

x
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Old 8th August 2010, 11:33 PM   #160
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi Everyone

Just a little update. Got Dan to admit to the adultery (sort of). He started off by saying nothing happened when we were together but during the conversation I started to see holes in what he was saying. He started painting himself into a corner and it ended up that he thinks we seperated before we actually did!!!!

Let me explain. We seperated on 18th April after Dan and I went out to dinner and called time on our relationship. He had had his individual relate counselling session the Thursday before and it wasn't looking good. I asked him to put me out of my misery if he wasn't going to change his mind and want to work on it. He had moved out into a friends house a few weeks before as I couldn't live with him. He wanted me to live normally and wait for him to work out what he wanted but it was intoloerable. He is now saying we seperated when he moved out. Let's be clear, I wouldn't have asked him to move out if I thought that constituted him being free to persue other women instead of work things out with me.

But anyway, it's all in the spin for them! The things he was coming out with (trying to get me to think "poor Linda" for one!!!) Bottom line is, everything official says we seperated 18th April so that it what counts, so I have my divorce as even Dan won't lie now he's told me the truth.

x

Last edited by UpandDown; 9th August 2010 at 08:30 AM.
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Old 10th August 2010, 08:41 AM   #161
mangonpineapple
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi Kathryn,

I am so sorry that you had to find out about his cheating. It does set you back a little but at the same time it makes the determination to move on stronger. You are now on the path to really putting into place, practically and emotionally, what your future path will be. He is out of the picture for good. You are now starting what we all know will be a good and exciting life. You have so much going for you. You will be happy and you will prevail. Now you are the priority, you and your boys. He has been relegated to being a very minor option. He does not matter anymore. Concentrate on yourself and the future happiness of your boys. One day, he will wake up, and it will suddenly hit him what a very special and gorgeous person you are while you will be waking up to the man who already knew it. It will happen. His loss.
Release him from your heart. He is not worth it. There are sooooooo... many, caring, loving and dishy blokes out there who would be honoured to have you as their mate. You are generous, caring, patient and loyal - very rare and lovely qualities. Remember, this nightmare will be over and you will be happy! Enjoy the summer and the warmth, and be grateful that this is all happening now before the wintery weather sets in. You are housed and settled - very important point that we overlook. You did it. You can do the rest.
Hugs xx
M
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Old 10th August 2010, 09:04 AM   #162
Wiggle
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Re: Limbo No More

Hi Kathryn,

I'm glad he's come clean (although reluctantly). 'Poor Linda' good grief, what planet is he on!

I got and have been reading this - I can thoroughly recommend it: Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You
Susan Elliott

It's not too American, no religion and I like the fact it's not just about 'getting over it'; she talks about assessing everything that may have impacted on who you are now, and dealing with 'unfinished business'. She talks about boundaries too but not in quite so much depth as the book you recommended. I can bring it along next time we meet up if you'd like to have a look.

How has Dan reacted to the reality of divorce?

Will try and ring at 8pm sometime this week, if that's ok - any days better for you than others?

Axx
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Old 10th August 2010, 01:37 PM   #163
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Not tonight or Thurs x
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Old 10th August 2010, 03:38 PM   #164
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

ha ha just heard Linda and Dan are no longer together,

poor loves
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Old 10th August 2010, 03:39 PM   #165
UpandDown
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Re: Limbo No More

Thanks Mango, only just saw your post. Will write properly later as boys wreaking havoc behind my back!!
x
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