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Old 5th September 2010, 09:49 PM   #1
sean1234
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 139
Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

Hi everyone. Been a long time since ive been here. Hope all are ok. I myself am starting to struggle a bit. Ive heard the term you cant forget but learn to live with it. As time goes on im starting to hurt all over again. Its the eve of my birthday, my son is still not talking to me, havnt seen him in 4 months now, ive a girl who says she loves me, ive responsibilities but why am i hurting again. On the 27 th of the month it will be a year since she left. A couple of things she has said to me stick in my head. Now i dont know what to make of them but it makes me feel worse. First she said to me in her words what you thought adter 18 years you had no chance. Now your with her you have none. I dud say i thought i had none but she said id rushed into a relationship. This is pribably true but i was so so lonely. I said to her tell me one thing you owe me that. She said ok. I asked her if since she had left had she laughed and meant it like the last time since we were together last. She could not answer me. I think about this alot. Maybe i just handled it all wrong. I blame myself now more than ever. I keep going for my boys. I do care about the new girl in my life but sometimes i feel guilt thier as well as i think of my wife. Im really lost as what to do for the best. Im really struggling. Anyone new please read my story under my wife left after 18 years please help. Im asking ince again please help. Im sorry
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Old 5th September 2010, 10:08 PM   #2
UpandDown
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Re: Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

Hi Sean

I really feel for you. It was so terrible what you went through a year ago and a lot of us on here have been through similarly devastating times and know what it's like. Until you sort out your feelings regarding your wife you're never going to be happy with the new lady. A lot of us on here have found this book called "Getting Past Your Break Up" tremendously helpful. I don't know if you enjoy reading or maybe you would hate it, but it has so much practical advice in it it completely changed my thinking.

Hopefully some of the newbies will come forward and comment after reading your thread. Sending you lots of love and hugs
Kathryn
x
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Old 5th September 2010, 11:28 PM   #3
So alone
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Re: Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

Hi sean1234

I don't know of your story or situation, nor have I read your previous thread but I did want to post something just on the basis of what you have written above.

I think your post describes a whole wealth of feelings for your wife that you haven't allowed yourself enough time to deal with and get through. Quite possibly because it seems they are too painful for you. However mostly I feel that you are being very unfair to the new lady in your life. It seems obvious to me that you don't reciprocate her feelings to the same degree as she does. I don't think that is fair as I can foresee she will at some point be hurt and this is un-necessary.

I think you need to concentrate completely on you and this will take a lot of time and energy and exploration. Until you are feeling much more complete as a person I don't think it a good idea to share 'you' with anyone else.

Upanddown gives good advice re the book. I am quite certain you will be able to do this.

Sending lots of support and love x
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Old 6th September 2010, 12:56 AM   #4
sean1234
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 139
Re: Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

I take on board and thankyou for what youve said. I will read this book asap. I have spoken to my girlfriend about this a little while ago. And i never set out to hurt anyone as its not in my nature to do so. I told her i wasnt ready and shed be better off without me as im still getting myself together. She said to me she understood but for her its too late and she has no choice. Hard one for me. We do talk and explain things to each other which was missing from my marriage. Since my conversation with her i have backed off a bit to get some breathing space and to give more time to my son. I do enjoy her company and seeing her . It just seemed to have moved so fast. I certainly am confused at the moment and will take any advice on with an open mind. Thanks so much. Hugs x
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Old 6th September 2010, 09:11 AM   #5
chosen
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Re: Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

Quote:
Originally Posted by So alone View Post
Hi sean1234

I don't know of your story or situation, nor have I read your previous thread but I did want to post something just on the basis of what you have written above.

I think your post describes a whole wealth of feelings for your wife that you haven't allowed yourself enough time to deal with and get through. Quite possibly because it seems they are too painful for you. However mostly I feel that you are being very unfair to the new lady in your life. It seems obvious to me that you don't reciprocate her feelings to the same degree as she does. I don't think that is fair as I can foresee she will at some point be hurt and this is un-necessary.

I think you need to concentrate completely on you and this will take a lot of time and energy and exploration. Until you are feeling much more complete as a person I don't think it a good idea to share 'you' with anyone else.

Upanddown gives good advice re the book. I am quite certain you will be able to do this.

Sending lots of support and love x
Absolutely and totally agree with this. You are clearly not in a position emotionally for a new relationship and even though she may love you, and she says its too late because she loves you, that doesnt mean that you should be seeing her at this point.
A man called Jim Smoke, who has counselled many many divorcing and divorced couples, and who started the divorce recovery workshops, says that we need 2-5 years AFTER the divorce before we are ready for another relationship.I dont know how long you have actually been divorced(are you actually divorced?) but its clearly far too soon for you.Its unfair for the other lady for you to be getting serious when you are clearly not ready.You may well be using her to make you feel better and less lonely, which isnt a good reason to see anyone.
I would give yourself at least another 1-2 years to recover and heal, or you are taking all of the baggage into this new relationship.Jim also says this is why so many second and subsequent marriages fail, because people get involved/married too quickly.
I wasnt ready for about 4 years after my marriage ended to even consider meeting anyone else, and met my now husband aftrer 6 years.

I would concentrate on being a good dad and on getting yourself emotionally in a stronger place and getting the feelings for your wife out of your system, as it isnt fair for another women if you still have these feelings.
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Old 6th September 2010, 01:37 PM   #6
Helen_uk
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Re: Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

Hi Sean,

We spoke about this a little on Fb I seem to recall....

You did start the new relationship right in the middle of the upset of your wife leaving and I did say at the time it was very quick , however life happens sometimes and we go with the flow so absolutely no point in feeling guilty .

You've only been with your new g/f a relatively short amount of time but I can understand that she's invested her feelings in you and if you end it now she is going to feel hurt , if you carry on though she is going to be even more involved and the hurt will be far greater.

I do think though that you shouldn't end this relationship in the hope of getting back together with your wife as this is raising your hopes and you may end up hurt and disappointed all over again. End the relationship if it's right for you to do so and it's what YOU want .

I seem to remember your wife was very manipulative beforehand, trying to use the boys against you and so I would disregard what she's said about not getting back together because of the new g/f, that smacks of emotional blackmail to me.

Take everything into account Sean and make a decision based on facts . Being alone and having time to heal after the break up of a marriage is very important , you need time to be you . Don't allow your wife to manipulate you by saying there was a chance of you and she reuniting when she had made it clear previously that wasn't going to happen , don't allow the new g/f to sway your decision by saying she has fallen for you . Make that decision for yourself and by doing what's best for you . It's the only way to be happy in the long term.

Helen
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Old 9th September 2010, 04:25 AM   #7
mdmquincy
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Re: Back again 1 year on starting to feel it all again

Helen is right, as usual

Sean...

Hate your back in the grind again, hun. It's hard to deal with a betrayal of that kind, and you hope that you can pick up the pieces and go on. Sometimes it just isn't that easy.

I remember when you started posting about the new girl. Didn't seem like much of a decision at the time. The level of despair was so high. You needed that relationship to save you. The fact that you have made it through this devastating period intact means something. I don't know if the new g/f is the one, but if you'll read back over your posts critically I think you'll quit kicking yourself. You were not in a place to make lifetime decisions and no one should have expected otherwise, even you.

I am especially sorry to hear that you are still on the outs with your son. I am unsure as to how to mend the rift, but know that I care and am sending lots of good wishes and love your way!

Love and peace,
J
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