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Old 7th December 2012, 08:30 PM   #1
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I am finding it difficult to forgive

Please help. Myself and my husband (both Christians) got married about 16 months ago. As far as I was aware we were both happy. I became pregnant about a month after our wedding. Both myself and my husband have jealous tendancies and were trying to work on that but about a month before my baby was born my husband started asking questions about boyfriends that I had before I had met him (he knew about my exes) and he started accusing me of all kinds of things especially cheating which I would never do in a million years. I thought that what he did was quite odd and it caused an arguement that went on for days and made me very upset.
Two weeks after this I started thinking maybe he had cheated on me as he had been going on about it so much and insisting I had cheated on him in the past, which I hadn't. One evening he went out and had left his Ebay account open on the computer. I took a look as I didn't know much about how it all worked. I looked back at some of the last things he had brought and decided to check his messages as I didn't realise you could message people on there.
I found flirty messages between him and 4 female sellers, asking all of them for their used panties and asking if they could post them in discreet packaging. He had also been looking for used stockings. This made me sick to my stomach and very hurt, I was 38 weeks pregnant at the time as well. He always told me he had no money to put aside for bills or our unborn child yet he managed to find 20 to spend on used panties.
I confronted him and he tried to backtrack saying he saw it as a money making opportunity and was going to sell them on which no one in their right mind would believe. Eventually he said in a moment of madness when he was searching on Ebay he came across used panty sellers and went ahead and ordered some. I know as well, as I found the sellers website, that this person would have also sent pictures of herself getting the panties ready for him (sorry if tmi). He said that as soon as he made payment he realised he made a mistake and when they arrived he threw the whole package away without even opening it. I don't believe this for a start as why would he feel guilty after he made payment, why not when he was messaging the girl with lots of in the messages?
It has now been 6 months since I found out about this and I still don't believe he never opened the package or used them or even kept them or is still doing stuff like this behind my back.
During the last few months of my pregnancy I was unable to have sex with him and am wondering if this caused him to do it or maybe it was because I had changed physically.
I feel very hurt all the time and each time we have an arguement I bring it up, I view this as cheating but I don't think he does. Am I being harsh? And how can I overcome this and try to get things back on track? I feel hurt that two weeks before our baby was born all he was thinking of was ways to get off and it makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know what to do anymore. I know I am supposed to forgive but when it is on my mind that he may have done worse and also I feel like he lies to me about a lot of things. I feel like he is going off the rails. His excuse now when I try to bring it up is that he is a sinful human.
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Old 7th December 2012, 09:37 PM   #2
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Re: I am finding it difficult to forgive

Being harsh??? No, not when that kind of thing smacks you upside the head. You poor woman, how do you move forward when he has done this? I have no answer for you that would wash away what the truth is...and remove the pain and mistrust this has created. This is indeed a form of cheating...the filth he entered into with the women who sold their soiled undies is appauling...who knows what he is willing to do next?

Being pregnant does not "cause" a man to drift like that...many men are faithful during their wife's pregnancies and would never use that as a reason to sin this way. He admitted to being a sinful human...but what does that solve, he can use that as an excuse to do more when he gets the notion to. Maybe get this to a Christian counselor? I dont know...many of them just wink at a wife's pain when it comes to sexual sin now days.

The fact that you are both so young works both for you and against you. For you because you can move forward and rebuild your life without him if need be...against you because there is no simple way to insure that this sort of thing will not happen more stealth in the years to come...and wasting that time with such a man is not the optimal thing to have to do.

You are going to have to keep praying until you get direction from the Lord...meanwhile just be a kind wife until you know what to do next.

Kindest Regards
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Old 8th December 2012, 02:33 AM   #3
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Re: I am finding it difficult to forgive

Its sounds to me as if your husband has some seriously dysfunctional sexual issues. A man who is healthy in that area isnt turned on by other womens used panties. Its like they are a fetish to him.
My suggestion is that he goes to see the pastor or a trusted mature guy in your church who he can speak to on a regular basis, and who can pray with him. He may need some more professional counselling to sort this out, and some good prayer ministry should also help.

Also you both need to get help together. If he is lying a lot that needs to be confronted.

Does he have any abuse in his past?

This can be sorted with the right help.
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Old 8th December 2012, 08:21 AM   #4
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Re: I am finding it difficult to forgive

Thank you for your answers. He doesn't have any abuse that I know of. I confronted him about the fetish thing and he kept saying no he doesn't but I don't believe this neither and he is highly unlikely to admit to that anyway.
The problem I now have is that he believes I've forgiven him but whenever we argue and I bring it up he looks like I should have forgotten about this now and he gets angry that I've brought it up. Why can't he understand that I will never forget about it? And it was so soon into our marriage as well and it makes me think what was he doing when we were courting? Did he ever cheat?
I have told him that we need to speak to someone in our church but he refuses and tells me he will go somewhere else if I do that and I feel pressurised not to say anything even though I need to as I have told no one about this and I've been carrying this all myself and it's making me feel trapped. I keep picking fights with him and being off as I can't get this horrible thing out of my head. I should be focussing all my attention on our baby but all I can think is how could he have done this not only to me so close to giving birth as well but also to our daughter as she suffered by not having her dad save money for her because he chose to spend it on this filth
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Old 8th December 2012, 02:04 PM   #5
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Re: I am finding it difficult to forgive

I would ask for a good Christian marriage counsellor and ask him to go as well. If he refuses, then you go anyway and get some help to deal with this.This is s BIG issue and one that wont just go away. Its not JUST the buying soiled underwear, but his flirting in a sexual manner with the other ladies.
He is being controlling by saying if you go to the pastor/church he will leave.
You need to calmly tell him that it isnt just going to go away, that you dont trust him any more,that you are very unhappy about it and that you need help.
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Old 9th December 2012, 02:15 PM   #6
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Re: I am finding it difficult to forgive

I suspect he had this thing before he was married to you SKing and reverted to it whilst you were pregnant. He obviously has a problem here. I am sure you would be able to forgive if he was working to get free of it. It is hard to forgive an ongoing problem and forgiveness doesn't really help here until he is repentant about it. True repentance would mean confessing and getting help.

The nature of the fetish, or whatever one wants to call it, takes him outside of his marriage into a sexual area (for him) with other females which I would think is a type of mental or sexual adultery. Quite clearly it cannot be just his thing because of the intrinsic immoral nature of it. You need to continue to confront and pray about it as well. No way anyone can justify this kind of thing. A start to getting free would be to stop feeding it from the internet if indeed that is the case.
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