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Old 19th August 2013, 05:09 PM   #1
chosen
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INteresting question for married people.

I am helping a friend of mine to deal with a big marriage issue. They are both Christians, as I am.
Before marriage, one of them kept something very important secret, and after marriage this came out and has caused many problems with many negative consequences. Had the wife known then what she knows now, and her husband had been honest with her, she would never have married him, and I know that for a fact because I know her well.
It would have been a big no no for any future husband for her. So what now?
They are separating for a time, to see if anything can be done through counselling etc but the one who was lied to and deceived has almost given up hope and feels betrayed and that she can no longer trust him. He has also lied at times since the discovery.

I would be interested to hear other Christians views on this(or even non Christians) as to whether someone in this position who married in ignorance of a big issue is entitled to end the marriage and what can be done.
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Old 19th August 2013, 07:55 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

Dont know if it is really a question of "entitlement" so much as it is a question of finding and doing the Will of God in this situation. Each relationship has peculiarities that would necessitate either hanging on or letting go of the marriage given the nature of the violations...so I think waiting on God is in order here...rather than taking a poll of the opinions (biblical or not) of others. Deception and betrayal are not the unpardonable sins...however, they do come with consequences on different levels...getting a clear direction wont be easy whilst emotions are flying high.

We can divorce...but we do not have to...that is a tough call. Your friend needs to wait on God and see if He is the One who is leading her to "put this marriage asunder". If the husband is a chronic liar on many levels...not just about this one isolated issue, then that may push the situation over the top.
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Old 19th August 2013, 08:40 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

I wouldnt say he is a chronic liar, but he will lie to save himself from trouble.
She has been doing what you say, praying and getting help for well over a year now, but more has happened since then and its not getting any better. She wonders if she can trust again and whether she really wants him to be the father of her children(not as yet born).Without trust what is there?
She is going to carry on praying for a while yet, and isn't going to jump into anything rash at the moment. However time is passing and no one wants to wait forever before they make a decision one way or the other. Its very unsettling. God has definitely bought things to light that enabled her to know things that had happened.

My question is I suppose, does God want us to lie to people in order to get them to marry us? What are the consequences? Isn't that legally deception? What if it was something that they knew would stop the person seeing them any more or marrying them if f they knew?
Its a very very shaky beginning and foundation for what is supposed to be a life long union of honesty and trust.
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Old 20th August 2013, 08:48 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

I will give this thought but am rushing off to work.

My initial response is that the deception invalidates the marriage.
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Old 20th August 2013, 01:07 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

Having thought about this again I come up with the same thought. A marriage covenant is a serious commitment. If something serious relevant to the marriage was not brought to the light, that something being of such a nature that she would not have married him, I would say that invalidates the marriage.

I don't think it is wrong to get opinions. In the multitude of counsellors purposes are established. God can use that as well. I am sure she will weigh your advice and bring it to Father.

I would say that it has not been a valid marriage from the start. I would get her off the legalism and go by the peace that God can give her.

When they ask in the church if anyone has a reason why this couple cannot be joined in holy matrimony that was his cue to speak up, alhough he should have revealed it way before.
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Old 20th August 2013, 06:42 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

Thank you Raymond. I tend to agree with that thought, and I too see no harm in asking other believers what they think and believe about different issues.
The wife is a strong person and will ultimately make the decision herself, but I am not too hopeful that she will carry on struggling in this marriage. The Bible does give clear guidance on such things, and its clear that lying and deception are very wrong and marriage under false pretences is also not right.
DH and I have advised that she makes no quick or rash decisions since more things came to light recently, but to give it time and prayer and see what God does. We have said that after a time of prayer/reflection of say, 6 months, she will know much more clearly what to do.
Its very sad because we love them both:-(

Thankfully no kids are involved which is a blessing.
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Old 21st August 2013, 08:46 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

That's good Chosen, so long as she knows what the options are. I pray it all works out for her. It is a terrible situation to be in and I know there will be those who say you cannot break your marriage covenant without understanding the invalid basis of the covenant. I am sure God will give her the guidance she needs and bring her into the freedom He has for her.
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Old 22nd August 2013, 12:10 AM   #8
chosen
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

Thank you Raymond, I hope so as well. I am sure that God will bring good out of the situation no matter how it ends.
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Old 12th October 2013, 06:37 PM   #9
Roses
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

Hi

Sorry, Chosen. this is a delayed reply as I don't necessarily read all the threads...

It depends on what sort of "lie" it was, too? Also, do they love each other? If they do, perhaps she can learn to forgive and forget....? (Again, it depends on what sort of lie/secret giving rise to this separation...?) Lie about....his occupation, background etc?

People do at times lie to make themselves look better than they are (mainly to impress their love interest?)
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Old 15th October 2013, 08:41 AM   #10
Raymond
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

It was something very important that he kept secret Roses.
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Old 17th October 2013, 07:21 AM   #11
Roses
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

Hi Raymond

I was away this week (no internet connection).

Sorry for the delays in acknowledgement.

How so sad.

Thank you for your thoughtful note. You're so so elegantly compassionate.
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Old 13th November 2013, 04:47 PM   #12
LibraLady
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Re: INteresting question for married people.

If the lie was a deal breaker for her, then she should move on and so should he. Everyone has their breaking points. There is no sense in beating a dead horse. And if the husband continues to prove that he can't be trusted, then it's a done deal.
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