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Old 15th October 2015, 04:04 PM   #1951
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I don't know why but she and this situation is increasingly on my mind today and it is making me feel very stressed and anxious, it's almost as if it is haunting me, I hate being in this office now I used to really love it and I also knew that in around 90 minutes or so she would be home and we would have the evening together, today I haven't seen anyone at all to talk to and I doubt I will either, I guess that I'm just very hurt and lonely, I miss what was, and I miss what we shared together, now I know I'm alone in the world with hardly anyone to turn to or rely upon, I wish my mum and dad were still here.
That maybe because you are going to write to her, my advise, get that written and sent off today. No point at all in delaying it. Did you look into maybe working part time to get you out of the house?

I am the sort of person who makes a decision and does it. I dont procrastinate and cant understand why people do. I appreciate that you are worried at what she may say, but this needs to be done and got over with I think.

My daughter went on a holiday on her own to Southern ireland 3 weeks ago, for 10 days. She loved the peace and quiet, did a lot of thinking while there, decided that she wanted to live somewhere quieter and more in the country, did some on line searching, found an annexe of a large farm house near a nice village to rent 30 mins drive from her job, and is moving there in 10 days!!! She is like me, makes her mind up and gets on with it. She said that if she wants her life to change the only one who can do it is her, its not dependant on anyone else. She realises that she cant sit around waiting for something to happen or for a man to come and make it all ok. She is divorced BTW.

Maybe make some decisions yourself? Assuming that she doesnt come back, what do you want to happen in the next year? Move house?Move away? Somewhere you actually like? Get a part time job? Find some voluntary work? Take up a hobby? Plan a holiday? Make some plans and make a move towards doing it. Do some research and look into the things you want to do.
The thing is if you dont, you will still be in the same place in another year. I know so many people who arent happy with their lives, but wont make any changes or do anything about it.

I cant wait to move, probably to worcestershire or Warwickshire or maybe Gloucestershire, but with my daughter and her partner living with us temporarily we are stuck till they leave. As soon as they go with their stuff(tons of it)the house will go on the market.

Last edited by chosen; 15th October 2015 at 05:16 PM.
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Old 15th October 2015, 06:32 PM   #1952
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post
That maybe because you are going to write to her, my advise, get that written and sent off today. No point at all in delaying it. Did you look into maybe working part time to get you out of the house?

I am the sort of person who makes a decision and does it. I dont procrastinate and cant understand why people do. I appreciate that you are worried at what she may say, but this needs to be done and got over with I think.

My daughter went on a holiday on her own to Southern ireland 3 weeks ago, for 10 days. She loved the peace and quiet, did a lot of thinking while there, decided that she wanted to live somewhere quieter and more in the country, did some on line searching, found an annexe of a large farm house near a nice village to rent 30 mins drive from her job, and is moving there in 10 days!!! She is like me, makes her mind up and gets on with it. She said that if she wants her life to change the only one who can do it is her, its not dependant on anyone else. She realises that she cant sit around waiting for something to happen or for a man to come and make it all ok. She is divorced BTW.

Maybe make some decisions yourself? Assuming that she doesnt come back, what do you want to happen in the next year? Move house?Move away? Somewhere you actually like? Get a part time job? Find some voluntary work? Take up a hobby? Plan a holiday? Make some plans and make a move towards doing it. Do some research and look into the things you want to do.
The thing is if you dont, you will still be in the same place in another year. I know so many people who arent happy with their lives, but wont make any changes or do anything about it.

I cant wait to move, probably to worcestershire or Warwickshire or maybe Gloucestershire, but with my daughter and her partner living with us temporarily we are stuck till they leave. As soon as they go with their stuff(tons of it)the house will go on the market.
I love this post. This is exactly how I feel now. Detached and over it. Making a plan for myself and S10. I'm the only one responsible for my happiness, nobody else.

I know my M is dead. It's just the paperwork now. So be it. As I've said time and time again it will not be the defining point in my life.

My new home is in an area where I know I will be happy. Friends, a social life. Fun stuff but also practical. It all makes sense to me now.

Ex? Still flaying. But that's only a concern to me where S10 is affected.

Someone has to man up and be the rock for him and that person is me.

Ralf. I'm not you so if this email is the final thing that puts an end to it for you then get on with writing it. But if there is no response or the response is in the negative then that's it mate. Put it to bed and move on. It's difficult not to put expectations on these things. God knows I did for a long time but it only sets you up for a knock down. Be prepared for that.

Peace my friend.
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Old 15th October 2015, 07:17 PM   #1953
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
That maybe because you are going to write to her, my advise, get that written and sent off today. No point at all in delaying it. Did you look into maybe working part time to get you out of the house?

I am the sort of person who makes a decision and does it. I dont procrastinate and cant understand why people do. I appreciate that you are worried at what she may say, but this needs to be done and got over with I think.

My daughter went on a holiday on her own to Southern ireland 3 weeks ago, for 10 days. She loved the peace and quiet, did a lot of thinking while there, decided that she wanted to live somewhere quieter and more in the country, did some on line searching, found an annexe of a large farm house near a nice village to rent 30 mins drive from her job, and is moving there in 10 days!!! She is like me, makes her mind up and gets on with it. She said that if she wants her life to change the only one who can do it is her, its not dependant on anyone else. She realises that she cant sit around waiting for something to happen or for a man to come and make it all ok. She is divorced BTW.

Maybe make some decisions yourself? Assuming that she doesnt come back, what do you want to happen in the next year? Move house?Move away? Somewhere you actually like? Get a part time job? Find some voluntary work? Take up a hobby? Plan a holiday? Make some plans and make a move towards doing it. Do some research and look into the things you want to do.
The thing is if you dont, you will still be in the same place in another year. I know so many people who arent happy with their lives, but wont make any changes or do anything about it.

I cant wait to move, probably to worcestershire or Warwickshire or maybe Gloucestershire, but with my daughter and her partner living with us temporarily we are stuck till they leave. As soon as they go with their stuff(tons of it)the house will go on the market.
I especially like Worcestershire in particular the setting of the New Road cricket ground it is very typically summer in England, cricket and church bells, a wonderful mixture of sight and sound, I have cousins in Bromsgrove and probably also in the Gloucestershire / Bristol area.

I know I have to make changes I figured that out when I was away 2 weeks ago, not fully sure of all changes but I certainly need more company, I'm really good with people and people seem to warm to me and I make friends very easily, although far from perfect I'm a nice chap really and everyone that knows me really likes me, I'm also extremely modest too .

Your right about being stuck, I am stuck in almost the same position as I was this time last year, the only difference being that I still had hope last year as we were still meeting up and on pretty good terms, I thought that things would correct themselves and my wife would become herself again and slowly intergrate herself back in to our life, I thought that up to December then out of no where and without any obvious reason she disappeared without warning, I have seen her once since so I guess she is gone for good so I think your assumption is spot on.

Realistically my preferred option for change would be an LDT style forthcoming fresh start, new town, new county, new faces, I have always liked Shropshire and Yorkshire yes a Lancashire CCC fan likes Yorkshire especially curd tarts and Tetley's best bitter in Wakefield, but that's another story, the problem with moving is that I would be moving for moving sake and I have to be careful with my money being self employed, it would be folly to end up paying more than I do now when I nearly own this place.

I know my future happiness is down to nobody but me, I just wish I knew how to go about that, I do lots of thinking but not much comes from it, I keep thinking that I will have a eureka moment and everything will fall in to place but 14 months on not much has happended, I say regular prayers again and I have found a new church that I quite like, but that's not going to solve all my woes, I need more fun in my life I like fun, I don't even need a woman but a nice lady to go out with as friends would give me a boost, I have always had a good looking woman on my arm for as long as I can remember, but I don't feel ready for a R with anyone as yet, maybe in time, I am on a couple of websites so anything could happen with them but we will see.

I am going to write to her I just need to get the wording right so that I know that what I have written is the best I possibly could do and when it doesn't work I will have no regrets, I need to get my timing right too as her late dads birthday is coming up and things are still a bit raw in the family with his passing as it is only a few years ago and I don't want to intrude around that time, just the way I am I suppose.
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Old 15th October 2015, 07:22 PM   #1954
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I love this post. This is exactly how I feel now. Detached and over it. Making a plan for myself and S10. I'm the only one responsible for my happiness, nobody else.

I know my M is dead. It's just the paperwork now. So be it. As I've said time and time again it will not be the defining point in my life.

My new home is in an area where I know I will be happy. Friends, a social life. Fun stuff but also practical. It all makes sense to me now.

Ex? Still flaying. But that's only a concern to me where S10 is affected.

Someone has to man up and be the rock for him and that person is me.

Ralf. I'm not you so if this email is the final thing that puts an end to it for you then get on with writing it. But if there is no response or the response is in the negative then that's it mate. Put it to bed and move on. It's difficult not to put expectations on these things. God knows I did for a long time but it only sets you up for a knock down. Be prepared for that.

Peace my friend.
I'm pleased for you NDY very pleased and even in a nice way slightly envious of you old pal, but your right we are 2 very different people you do things your way I do things mine, and peas to you too a big ruddy bowl of shiny green peas with a big knob of butter and a sprig of mint.
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Old 15th October 2015, 07:48 PM   #1955
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I just feel that you may keep on delaying the writing for one reason or another. Her dad died several years ago now, just write a simple shortish email and wait for her reply. All you need to know is whether she still feels the same or not and what her future plans are. After all she still hasnt collected her things which is very weird.

We are thinking of stratford Upon avon or Pershore in worcestershire. Houses there are about 25-30% less expensive that here and we could afford a larger house. Our present house is tiny and I want to be able to have the family to stay. My son and wife and little boy have just moved all the way up to Cumbria(they couldnt afford a house down here), and they will want to come down for a few days every now and again, so we do need more room. It will also cut the journey to them by 90 mins or so.

So glad that you have found a new church Ralf. Thats is a step in the right direction.
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Old 15th October 2015, 08:14 PM   #1956
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

No need to be envious mate. I hear you when you say your not sure on how to be happy or what the next step is. I really do. You'll figure it out. But only when the door is closed on the last 14 months. And that's what you need to do.

Look mate. I wish I could figure out a way to sort out your sitch but it's not up to me or you.

So send your email. Get it off your chest. If she comes back I'll drink a toast and dance a jig in your name. I'll come to what ever town you live in and celebrate with you.

If she says no or ignores you. I'll do the same, but for different reasons because this will be Ralf reborn.

And you will be reborn.

You have it in you.

Strength mate, strength.
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Old 15th October 2015, 08:21 PM   #1957
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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No need to be envious mate. I hear you when you say your not sure on how to be happy or what the next step is. I really do. You'll figure it out. But only when the door is closed on the last 14 months. And that's what you need to do.

Look mate. I wish I could figure out a way to sort out your sitch but it's not up to me or you.

So send your email. Get it off your chest. If she comes back I'll drink a toast and dance a jig in your name. I'll come to what ever town you live in and celebrate with you.

If she says no or ignores you. I'll do the same, but for different reasons because this will be Ralf reborn.

And you will be reborn.

You have it in you.

Strength mate, strength.
yes when the door is closed completely things will make more sense. Get that email sent today. There is no reason to delay except your own fear.
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Old 15th October 2015, 08:34 PM   #1958
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I just feel that you may keep on delaying the writing for one reason or another. Her dad died several years ago now, just write a simple shortish email and wait for her reply. All you need to know is whether she still feels the same or not and what her future plans are. After all she still hasnt collected her things which is very weird.

We are thinking of stratford Upon avon or Pershore in worcestershire. Houses there are about 25-30% less expensive that here and we could afford a larger house. Our present house is tiny and I want to be able to have the family to stay. My son and wife and little boy have just moved all the way up to Cumbria(they couldnt afford a house down here), and they will want to come down for a few days every now and again, so we do need more room. It will also cut the journey to them by 90 mins or so.

So glad that you have found a new church Ralf. Thats is a step in the right direction.
Hi Chosen nope not delaying it just getting around to doing it that's all, as a salesman I write a perfect sales pitch for every campaign I run, I never start a campaign without being 100% happy with my wording, this is no different this is a sales pitch of a different kind, and yes her not collecting any of her stuff is very weird indeed, I think that most days and cant figure out why not, maybe she just cant face me because of the ay she has handled things but I don't know for sure.
.
Pershore is nice, as are parts of Herefordshire and Shropshire, wherever you go I wish you well and I am pray you will be very happy there.
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Old 15th October 2015, 08:41 PM   #1959
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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No need to be envious mate. I hear you when you say your not sure on how to be happy or what the next step is. I really do. You'll figure it out. But only when the door is closed on the last 14 months. And that's what you need to do.

Look mate. I wish I could figure out a way to sort out your sitch but it's not up to me or you.

So send your email. Get it off your chest. If she comes back I'll drink a toast and dance a jig in your name. I'll come to what ever town you live in and celebrate with you.

If she says no or ignores you. I'll do the same, but for different reasons because this will be Ralf reborn.

And you will be reborn.

You have it in you.

Strength mate, strength.
Hi mate I don't mean envious in a bad way, I just wish I could find some peace too, if things work out (which they wont) i'll come up to you, my dad was in Glasgow the day I was born, btw if I am re-born do I get 2 belly buttons to prove it ?.
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Old 15th October 2015, 08:44 PM   #1960
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi mate I don't mean envious in a bad way, I just wish I could find some peace too, if things work out (which they wont) i'll come up to you, my dad was in Glasgow the day I was born, btw if I am re-born do I get 2 belly buttons to prove it ?.
Ha ha. You can have anything you like mate. Including a birthday card from Glen Michales Cavel Cade read out on a Saturday morning.
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Old 16th October 2015, 10:05 AM   #1961
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Ha ha. You can have anything you like mate. Including a birthday card from Glen Michales Cavel Cade read out on a Saturday morning.
Oh gawd blimey, don't make think about my next birthday , it will be upon me in December and it's a pretty uneven number and not one that I will welcome either, if only I could knock 20 years off it.
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Old 16th October 2015, 05:12 PM   #1962
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

re the letter ralf, if you are wanting to use it to find out once more what her plans are that is one thing, but if you are hoping to use it to win her back that is another.
I think its crazy and sad that you cant meet and ask her face to face, and in your place I would have gone round to see her where she lives ages ago and asked myself in.
Then again I am not like you and I wouldnt put up with her cowardess.
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Old 16th October 2015, 07:51 PM   #1963
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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re the letter ralf, if you are wanting to use it to find out once more what her plans are that is one thing, but if you are hoping to use it to win her back that is another.
I think its crazy and sad that you cant meet and ask her face to face, and in your place I would have gone round to see her where she lives ages ago and asked myself in.
Then again I am not like you and I wouldnt put up with her cowardess.
Hi Chosen, there was never any way I could of gone round to see her at her brothers place, it would be far too confrontational and brazen for both of us and I wouldn't do that to anyone, I also agree that its crazy that 2 people that were so loving and close cant meet up but that's up to her not me, well one half of that couple cant but not me, don't get me wrong I am far from shy but I also know the difference between what I consider to be right and wrong, I have never been scared of anyone or anything ( rats and cat weasel aside) but I am now scared of contact with her as she really freaks me out in her attitude and peculiar subliminal gestures
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Old 16th October 2015, 09:36 PM   #1964
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi Chosen, there was never any way I could of gone round to see her at her brothers place, it would be far too confrontational and brazen for both of us and I wouldn't do that to anyone, I also agree that its crazy that 2 people that were so loving and close cant meet up but that's up to her not me, well one half of that couple cant but not me, don't get me wrong I am far from shy but I also know the difference between what I consider to be right and wrong, I have never been scared of anyone or anything ( rats and cat weasel aside) but I am now scared of contact with her as she really freaks me out in her attitude and peculiar subliminal gestures
I guess that I wouldnt have let it go this long. I would have set a date and time to meet and asked her to be there, or asked her outright what her plans were long ago. I wouldnt let anyone mess me around like this. My question would be, are you coming back or not and if the answer was no I would close the door on it all.
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Old 17th October 2015, 08:59 AM   #1965
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I guess that I wouldnt have let it go this long. I would have set a date and time to meet and asked her to be there, or asked her outright what her plans were long ago. I wouldnt let anyone mess me around like this. My question would be, are you coming back or not and if the answer was no I would close the door on it all.
I think the issue got fudged early on as we agreed to remain on good terms and we were meeting up regularly and getting on very well as we always did, then she obviously changed her mind somewhere along to line but didn't have the guts or the heart to tell me, and I think that is where the situation started to become blurred.
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