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Old 20th October 2015, 09:29 AM   #1981
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
bring my 2 kitties with me and make sure they stay away from restauranters

I'm sure it's bad that I laughed at that but I couldn't help myself, lol.
That's ok LDT it's just my weird sense of humour .
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Old 20th October 2015, 09:37 AM   #1982
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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cant think of many worse places to live than the Far east.......................
I used to think that, but just recently I have watched quite a few cooking programmes about Vietnam, Rick Stein, Hairy Bikers, Luke Nguyen, and not only does the food look fantastic, but the scenery is stunning, and it seems so ridiculously cheap to live there, but I think the chances of me moving to Vietnam are on a par with me, Desmond TuTu, and Kylie Minogue painting Big Ben bright pink with purple spots .
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Old 20th October 2015, 11:58 AM   #1983
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I used to think that, but just recently I have watched quite a few cooking programmes about Vietnam, Rick Stein, Hairy Bikers, Luke Nguyen, and not only does the food look fantastic, but the scenery is stunning, and it seems so ridiculously cheap to live there, but I think the chances of me moving to Vietnam are on a par with me, Desmond TuTu, and Kylie Minogue painting Big Ben bright pink with purple spots .
I think that visiting there is very different from living there.
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Old 20th October 2015, 04:40 PM   #1984
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Have you formulated a plan, Ralf? Have you picked out a specific date to send the email? You might feel better if you have a plan in place to deal with your situation and stick to it.
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Old 20th October 2015, 07:37 PM   #1985
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Have you formulated a plan, Ralf? Have you picked out a specific date to send the email? You might feel better if you have a plan in place to deal with your situation and stick to it.
Hi LDT no I haven't as yet, I was going to start looking at it over the last weekend but I got distracted, might do it later this week or over the next weekend but not sure as yet, I'm not very well organised at the moment my thoughts are a bit scatty and my concentration is poor.
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Old 20th October 2015, 07:55 PM   #1986
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Hi LDT no I haven't as yet, I was going to start looking at it over the last weekend but I got distracted, might do it later this week or over the next weekend but not sure as yet, I'm not very well organised at the moment my thoughts are a bit scatty and my concentration is poor.
I still think that your fear of the finality of it if she still refuses to come back is stopping you. You would have done it before now otherwise. its a pretty straight forward thing to do.
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Old 20th October 2015, 08:06 PM   #1987
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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I still think that your fear of the finality of it if she still refuses to come back is stopping you. You would have done it before now otherwise. its a pretty straight forward thing to do.
No not fear, just a lack of clarity and motivation that's all, I wouldn't have her move back in if she knocked on the door that would be crazy, yes of course I would like her back in my life but not in our home or bed for at least 3-6 months if not more, we would need to re-connect firstly as friends and take it from there, I would be dedicated to reconciliation but wouldn't rush at it.
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Old 20th October 2015, 08:52 PM   #1988
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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No not fear, just a lack of clarity and motivation that's all, I wouldn't have her move back in if she knocked on the door that would be crazy, yes of course I would like her back in my life but not in our home or bed for at least 3-6 months if not more, we would need to re-connect firstly as friends and take it from there, I would be dedicated to reconciliation but wouldn't rush at it.
Clarity will come once you have sent it and received her reply. THen you will know for sure where you are. You keep putting it off, and I believe you will keep putting it off indefinitely.
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Old 20th October 2015, 09:53 PM   #1989
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Ralf mate

I agree with Chosen. 4x2 time buddy. I think you are putting it off and I still think you have so many expectations on the outcome of this. Mate, you know I'm your buddy but if this is the last chance saloon then so be it.

Mate. We spoke about cheese less tunnels. This may well be one of them. The last one. Send the email and be done. I can't stand watching you continually punishing yourself over something that isn't your fault. You didn't ask for this and it's not about you. It's about her.

Please send the email and if it doesn't work move on. You can do this.
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Old 21st October 2015, 02:50 AM   #1990
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

I agree with NDY on the fact that you have too many expectations for this final email.
All you need to do is to ask her if there is any hope for the marriage. I think you are seeing it as a way to win her back instead of a way to finally hear for the last time that she hasnt changed her mind.
Just send it, make it short and simple, there is no reason to delay any longer, and you see, there will always be an excuse for you to delay it because you dont want to hear that final no. Totally understandable of course, but not emotionally healthy for you. Once you have heard back, or she doesn't reply, then you will know 100% for sure that you need to make your future without her.

Last edited by chosen; 21st October 2015 at 09:34 AM.
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Old 21st October 2015, 09:59 AM   #1991
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Hi Chosen & NDY my dear friends, I give you my word that I am honestly not putting it off I just haven't written anything yet and I am still struggling to put a balanced coherent correspondence together, throughout this entire thread I have told everything 100% truthfully I don't tell porkies to anyone about anything and I'm not going to start now, as I said my motivation is not good at the moment possibly due to a number of factors, I will send it once I am 100% happy and confident that what I have written is precisely what I need to write and for her to digest, basically it needs to be water tight in every respect so I can have no regrets later down the line, a very good friend of mine has offered to read it through before I send it and I have agreed to that.

Last edited by ralfgarnett; 21st October 2015 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 01:54 PM   #1992
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

What are you hoping to achieve by writing the email then? I suspect that you will be far more likely to get a response if you merely say please tell me what you intentions are about the future of the marriage, than if you send a long involved email trying to persuade her to come back. I think you are expecting far too much from it. You may be setting yourself up for another big fall if you see it that way.
You need to hear her say one way or another again so that you can let go completely. You are not able to let go completely right now and that is not helping you.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 03:31 PM   #1993
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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What are you hoping to achieve by writing the email then? I suspect that you will be far more likely to get a response if you merely say please tell me what you intentions are about the future of the marriage, than if you send a long involved email trying to persuade her to come back. I think you are expecting far too much from it. You may be setting yourself up for another big fall if you see it that way.
You need to hear her say one way or another again so that you can let go completely. You are not able to let go completely right now and that is not helping you.
Hi Chosen I am so confused and bemused by this entire almost surreal situation that I don't really know what to say at the moment, in fact right now the following makes more sense to me than what has happened between my wife and I this past 14 months or so and I have never dropped an LSD tab (actually it might perk me up a bit), in fact I am surprised I haven't gone completely tonto bonkers side and keeled over completely, wrapped in a straight jacket been given daily ice baths, or had electrodes attached to my temples.

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Old 22nd October 2015, 06:31 PM   #1994
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Can I ask then what is the objective of the email? What are you hoping to gain from it?
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Old 22nd October 2015, 07:19 PM   #1995
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Can I ask then what is the objective of the email? What are you hoping to gain from it?
You may indeed ask old boy, but as I haven't started on it yet I have no real answer, however, in principle I would possibly want to know her future intentions regarding our marriage, and also what if any interaction are we going to have if any, but as eluded to previously I wont know until I start writing it and I find where my thoughts are taking me.
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