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Old 22nd October 2015, 04:03 PM   #1
DBRYR4
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Exclamation Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

I’m afraid and I don’t know why

I’m afraid of letting go, afraid of sex, afraid of.. just afraid. I don’t know why.

I was raised in what I thought was a lax catholic family but I really don’t know anymore. Growing up I was just told to toughen up and move on. To hide things and let them go.

To move on.

Maybe I haven’t, maybe I’ve let things bottle up for so long that now they’re tearing my fiancé’ and myself apart at the seams. We want to start a family, we want kids, but the bedroom is dead and my desires as a car guy have gone from just having the perfect car and losing it, to now trying to gain that back at any cost.

Any cost.

That cost may as well be my relationship but I’ll be damned if I give it up. Every time I reach that point, that precipice, that razors edge I pull myself back and tuck it away. Move on and leave it for another day, another month.

Year 4.

My fiancé can’t do so as easily. In fact she’s losing it but there’s a calm about her at the same time. We both break down weekly now, just crying and never solving anything. Hell I’m crying now just writing this and she took the night off to help me. We’re at wits end and know the problem is me; I just refuse to give up and keep pulling her back in.

The debt I’ve raised has now made me dependent on her, not just emotionally. It’s a damned disaster and I’m constantly trying to pick up the pieces.
Then I just fall back into my habits of tucking it away, letting it go, and finding some kind of distraction.

Porn, though really it does nothing for me anymore.
Looking up car parts on craigslist
Looking up that next car
Looking up the latest info on video games
Looking up the latest info about Cars

These are some of my distractions.

I bought a car after someone hit my friends truck (I was at the wheel) and just indebted myself to him because I felt bad. To the point of signing a contract to make sure I don’t stiff him the cash.

I admitted myself to the ER because of fears of suicide and now I pay the price with medical bills from that stint.

I still owe out the butt for my degree which I use on a daily basis but question whether or not it was worth it (Love the ever loving hell out of my job)

There’s still more I could share but I felt that maybe, just maybe there’d be some ear out there aside from that of my fiancé; who’s had it beyond the bun on her head, that would listen and offer advice.

I’m scared to death of going to a therapist because all of my past expierences with them haven’t been that of someone who listens but more of someone who just sits there and lords an opinion over me.. at least in my opinion.

It’s made me physically sick now how much I can’t even open up about life, love, sex, anything. I just lock up but it’s taken the razors edge and one hell of an emotional meltdown to bring me to this. My fiancé is going to post this on my behalf because she’s researched this thing to hell and back and I’m still at square one..

I need help.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 06:21 PM   #2
Lindentree1
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Hi,

I agree that you need help, and that is okay. We all need help sometimes. I think the best help for you is to find a good therapist that you are compatible with. You can't go on like this.

If you feel suicidal again don't be afraid to get immediate help.

There are a lot of issues here. The best thing is to handle it a bit at a time so you are not overwhelmed. First thing is to see a therapist. I'd also recommend a financial person to help you figure out a way to manage your debt. Lastly I think it would benefit you both to have pre-marital counseling. It doesn't sound like you as a couple are ready to be married yet.

I would get counseling for yourself first, though. You will feel much better to tackle other things if you get a handle on yourself first.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 06:30 PM   #3
notDoneYet
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Hi DB

Tell us more about this research your fiancé did. What was she researching?
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Old 22nd October 2015, 06:42 PM   #4
DBRYR4
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Hi DB

Tell us more about this research your fiancé did. What was she researching?

fiancé here. Basically I was searching the Internet for possible reasons for these problems (Side effects from his depression and anxiety meds, Low T, etc.), and really just looking to see if anyone else in the world was going through what we were. Also avenues of help (websites like these, counseling, self-help books, etc)
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Old 22nd October 2015, 06:52 PM   #5
Lindentree1
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by DBRYR4 View Post
fiancé here. Basically I was searching the Internet for possible reasons for these problems (Side effects from his depression and anxiety meds, Low T, etc.), and really just looking to see if anyone else in the world was going through what we were. Also avenues of help (websites like these, counseling, self-help books, etc)
Trying to deal with all of this on your own may not be enough.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 07:30 PM   #6
ralfgarnett
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Trying to deal with all of this on your own may not be enough.
I agree with LDT, you sound like you or both of you need professional, practical, emotional support for the multiple problems, you will find good caring people here with life experience however I might be wrong but there are no professional therapists, practitioners, our counsellors that post in here, we are just well meaning amateurs not experts, by all means we will do our best for as long as you need but as I said you possibly / probably need expert intervention, good luck to you both.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 07:55 PM   #7
DBRYR4
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
I agree with LDT, you sound like you or both of you need professional, practical, emotional support for the multiple problems, you will find good caring people here with life experience however I might be wrong but there are no professional therapists, practitioners, our counsellors that post in here, we are just well meaning amateurs not experts, by all means we will do our best for as long as you need but as I said you possibly / probably need expert intervention, good luck to you both.
Right now we're just looking for a nudge in the right direction. He's dealt with depression and anxiety his entire life, practically, and has been on medication for it since he was around 14 I think. He used to see a therapist but stopped going a while after he was first hospitalized. He still sees his psychiatrist (I now see the same psychiatrist).

Our newest revelation was that he might possibly be somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, which does explain the mania and depressive-like episodes I see (he's aware of it now, too, for perhaps the first time in his life), and it explains the impulsivity.

Honestly I could deal with all that, when it was just our sex life that was suffering, because we still had fun together and got along great. But now we aren't having sex, AND the mania/depressiveness/impulsivity/fanficul thinking are controlling our entire relationship. I love him and I want to help him but I'm getting exhausted. I'm also starting to just pull away, physically and emotionally.

So that's where we are right now. He doesn't like the therapist he's been seeing since he was hospitalized in April for feeling suicidal, which he never told me, so if he wants to look for someone else that's fine. But I do wanthim to see someone. Either alone or with me,I don't really mind,so long as he's seeing SOMEONE.

ETA: I should mention we're in our mid20s so we really have no idea where or how to seek help
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Old 22nd October 2015, 08:00 PM   #8
notDoneYet
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Wow. Ok DB's F. This is very brave of you to post here. You clearly love DB but first, self diagnosis isn't a good idea. Are you in the USA?
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Old 22nd October 2015, 08:03 PM   #9
DBRYR4
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Wow. Ok DB's F. This is very brave of you to post here. You clearly love DB but first, self diagnosis isn't a good idea. Are you in the USA?
Well, his psychiatrist agrees it might be bipolar. Also we recently found out 2 or 3 people in the family have bipolar, or a mood disorder similar to it (his father is on something for a mood disorder or...something. He had a similar break down to what my boyfriend had, when he was young. They like to hide things away though so even though it might help their son, they haven't said exactly what happened or what he's taking now...which infuriates me.) So we aren't 100% but it makes sense.

Sorry he hasn't replied personally. We just got a call about a family death the other night so he's out taking care of things right now.

Yes we live in the USA.

ETA: I should ALSO mention, his brother has similar issues with depression and anxiety. So it's definitely in thefamily.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 08:11 PM   #10
Lindentree1
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Maybe you need to see a new psychiatrist. A good psych will diagnose after a few visits, not say "might have bipolar." If he is on meds he might need new meds. A good med or meds would help with impulsivity and depression. If what he is doing isn't working, he might fare better under someone else's care.

He needs to get sorted out first. The rest can come later.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 08:17 PM   #11
DBRYR4
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindentree1 View Post
Maybe you need to see a new psychiatrist. A good psych will diagnose after a few visits, not say "might have bipolar." If he is on meds he might need new meds. A good med or meds would help with impulsivity and depression. If what he is doing isn't working, he might fare better under someone else's care.

He needs to get sorted out first. The rest can come later.
Might be time, I agree. He could always go back to his old one if he decides to,right? Because he keeps saying he's been with this guy for X amount of years, blah, blah. He had him on xanax and prozac, but they nixxed the prozac so now he's on xanax, klonopin and abilify. I thought for sure a mood stabilizer would make a world of change, but I also think medicine isn't going to fix everything. He needs to talk about his problems.

So maybe when he gets home he'll have time to take a look at this thread and actually talk to you guys himself.

I really, really do thank you who have replied. I've posted to several forums and either had no replies or very negative ones. We know you aren't doctors. I guess we both really just need to hear some hopeful words from real people right now. We're both just so tired.
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Old 22nd October 2015, 08:37 PM   #12
notDoneYet
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

HHi DB's F

I hear ya. Ok so I've seen this up close and personal also. And by reading the different meds your F is trying I'd say keep with it. Having said that a second opinion can't hurt, and it is your right.

The thing as you know with this type of condition is that it's the right combination of drugs that work and everyone is different with which meds work. It's challenging but you have one of the best health care systems in the world and yes, with the right combination of drugs he can have a normal fulfilling live.

You both need to have just a bit more patience. It'll happen.

Peace
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Old 22nd October 2015, 08:59 PM   #13
Lindentree1
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

Abilify can cause anxiety in some people. You might want to research that. Something to think about.

I think looking at a new psychiatrist might be in order if he is still having impulsivity, depression, and issues with anxiety. Like you said, he can always go back if he doesn't like the new one.
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Old 23rd October 2015, 09:46 AM   #14
Raymond
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

I believe the main problem is a fear problem that could have come down the generational line although one still has responsibility to resist it. That in itself could make a platform for various sicknesses. Pills and stuff will only manage it not cure it. The answers are spiritual.

With regard to porn this is extremely unhealthy and tantamount to mental adultery. It is well known that this will strongly limit the sexual drive of a husband for his wife.
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Old 23rd October 2015, 05:53 PM   #15
DBRYR4
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Re: Fear leading to a Dead Bedroom...

My Fiance posted a raw rant on my behalf so allow me to clarify, my apologies. I'll cut my response into short bullets for ease of questioning/answers.

- Debt was accrued due to the anxiety and being diagnosed on bi-polar spectrum
- The fear comes from unresolved personal issues that I believe stem from my childhood
- Lack of sex/intimacy comes from the fear, embarrassment, hiding, and pent up anxiety that still exists.
- Debt fuels the fear, locks me up in the relationship preventing me from being intimate
- Car wasn't an expensive purchase so much as an impulse purchase (and currently up for sale)
- Currently seeing a psychiatrist (since age 15, now 28) and have been through multiple medications
- Therapist has an 'air' of being overbearing, my opinion that upon reflection may be misplaced.

In the end I'm just looking for advice and a poorly worded spilling of my guts so to speak wasn't the best idea but it was a start. I just went with what was on my mind, wrote it down, and my fiance did the rest (posting it to multiple forums on my behalf as I said.)

I am going to go back on therapy, maybe even couples therapy as well as follow some advice in possibly just tiptoe-ing back into intimacy. Right now I'm just fighting off drowning in my own well of fear, and anxiety, and trying to cope with it all while working in a high stress job. I fix airliners for a living, and also have a natural fear of open heights.

That always comes home with me, so it's hard to find an angle to start at with this mound of issues. I'm just looking for advice like I said.
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