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Old 27th October 2015, 06:17 PM   #2026
Lindentree1
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

to me it's just the same as seeking assistance for any sort of medical problems.


I agree.
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Old 27th October 2015, 07:21 PM   #2027
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Yes that's exactly the way I perceive it, to me its as natural to see a GP over depression or any MH problem as much as if I had to see a GP with a boil on my botty .
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Old 28th October 2015, 11:03 AM   #2028
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Honestly I do think the time has come for you to be rid of her things from the house. It will help you move on.
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Old 28th October 2015, 11:40 AM   #2029
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Good morning Chosen, her stuff doesn't bother me I rarely see any of it, the only item that could unsettle me is her wedding dress, but that is hanging in a bag in her wardrobe in our bedroom, and it has been a hell of a long time since I went anywhere near it I just don't go in that wardrobe it would be mental torment.
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Old 28th October 2015, 12:25 PM   #2030
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Good morning Chosen, her stuff doesn't bother me I rarely see any of it, the only item that could unsettle me is her wedding dress, but that is hanging in a bag in her wardrobe in our bedroom, and it has been a hell of a long time since I went anywhere near it I just don't go in that wardrobe it would be mental torment.
It may not bother you(or you think it doesnt) but its one more thing that will keep you from full acceptance and the cutting off the past.
Maybe if you write the email you could mention that her things are still in your house. If you were to move house for a fresh start I am sure you wouldnt want her things there.
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Old 28th October 2015, 12:55 PM   #2031
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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It may not bother you(or you think it doesnt) but its one more thing that will keep you from full acceptance and the cutting off the past.
Maybe if you write the email you could mention that her things are still in your house. If you were to move house for a fresh start I am sure you wouldnt want her things there.
I have actually thrown out bit by bit quite a few superfluous items over the past year or so, but unless I have a good win on the lottery I wont be buying a new house in the UK, it would be financial stupidity on my part, I nearly own this place now and my mortgage payments are very low so to start paying more each month makes no sense, I am still operating in emergency crisis style mode with the house and bills etc since she withdrew her half last September, being self employed I set myself a sales target each month but even though I am an experienced and capable salesman and my business has a very good reputation I'm proud to say, I start each month with no guaranteed wage and that in itself can cause me quite a bit of stress, it was ok before because we had her wage to fall back on should we ever need to, thankfully we never needed it but it was nice to have that subliminal safety net there just in case, now I am winging it on my own, touch wood so far so good but it could all become very difficult for me at the drop of a hat, which is why I try to make hay while the sun shines.
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Old 28th October 2015, 11:39 PM   #2032
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
It may not bother you (or you think it doesnt) but its one more thing that will keep you from full acceptance and the cutting off the past.
Maybe if you write the email you could mention that her things are still in your house. If you were to move house for a fresh start I am sure you wouldnt want her things there.
Mate. Please listen to Chosen. I don't mean read what she said but REALLY listen. She's giving you sound advice.

You are still hanging on to the old R. Change the dynamic. Please mate for your own sake just do it. Get her stuff out and change the place up a bit.
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Old 29th October 2015, 11:21 AM   #2033
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
Mate. Please listen to Chosen. I don't mean read what she said but REALLY listen. She's giving you sound advice.

You are still hanging on to the old R. Change the dynamic. Please mate for your own sake just do it. Get her stuff out and change the place up a bit.
Hi NDY, thanks for your concern, but I am not hanging on to anything right now, as I have said previously her stuff being here doesn't bother me,
I rarely see it and would have to go and open doors or drawers to see it and I don't do that, and neither do I dress in her clothing or lie around draping myself in it like a modern day Miss Haversham, it is not her stuff being here that causes me depression and distress, it is her not being in my life that causes that, also as you know I refuse to do her dirty work for her and neither will I do her thinking for her or play any part in the dismantling of our 19 years together, nobody does anything for me these days.
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Old 29th October 2015, 10:20 PM   #2034
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
Hi NDY, thanks for your concern, but I am not hanging on to anything right now, as I have said previously her stuff being here doesn't bother me,
I rarely see it and would have to go and open doors or drawers to see it and I don't do that, and neither do I dress in her clothing or lie around draping myself in it like a modern day Miss Haversham, it is not her stuff being here that causes me depression and distress, it is her not being in my life that causes that, also as you know I refuse to do her dirty work for her and neither will I do her thinking for her or play any part in the dismantling of our 19 years together, nobody does anything for me these days.
Its not YOU doing HER dirty work, but YOU doing what is right for YOU. Even if its freshening the house up a bit and changing a few things and maybe buying a few new things that you like to make it yours again. If having her stuff there doesnt bother you, then why are you so resistant to let it go? IF you dont want to touch it yourself then ask her to come and get it. Name a day and you can even go out and leave her too it if you like and come back a while later. Its all part of the acceptance process.
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Old 30th October 2015, 11:24 AM   #2035
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Its not YOU doing HER dirty work, but YOU doing what is right for YOU. Even if its freshening the house up a bit and changing a few things and maybe buying a few new things that you like to make it yours again. If having her stuff there doesnt bother you, then why are you so resistant to let it go? IF you dont want to touch it yourself then ask her to come and get it. Name a day and you can even go out and leave her too it if you like and come back a while later. Its all part of the acceptance process.
"If having her stuff there doesnt bother you, then why are you so resistant to let it go?"

Simple, it's not for me to do that's her job, and if she cant be bothered to arrange to get it then I cant be bothered either doing it for her or chasing her up to do it herself, and I don't think me leaving her in the house on her own with my private effects would be the greatest of ideas for a separated couple.
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Old 30th October 2015, 11:39 AM   #2036
chosen
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by ralfgarnett View Post
"If having her stuff there doesnt bother you, then why are you so resistant to let it go?"

Simple, it's not for me to do that's her job, and if she cant be bothered to arrange to get it then I cant be bothered either doing it for her or chasing her up to do it herself, and I don't think me leaving her in the house on her own with my private effects would be the greatest of ideas for a separated couple.
YOU need do nothing, you simply tell her that she needs to collect it and arrange a day. If she doesnt want it, then the charity shops would be very grateful I am sure.
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Old 30th October 2015, 12:09 PM   #2037
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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YOU need do nothing, you simply tell her that she needs to collect it and arrange a day. If she doesnt want it, then the charity shops would be very grateful I am sure.
But that means me thinking for her and I refuse to do that either, if she wants her things then she knows where they are and how to retrieve them, she is an intelligent woman I am sure she still knows how to ask questions and how to make arrangements she doesn't need me to help her with it.
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Old 30th October 2015, 01:38 PM   #2038
notDoneYet
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

As chosen said just 4 messages up but it answers your last post

Quote:
Its not YOU doing HER dirty work, but YOU doing what is right for YOU.
This is becoming a circular argument. You're still focusing on her instead of you.

Quote:
But that means me thinking for her
See what I mean? Chosen is talking about what's right for you and you turn it around to be about your W. No Ralf. It's about you.
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Old 30th October 2015, 02:52 PM   #2039
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

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Originally Posted by notDoneYet View Post
As chosen said just 4 messages up but it answers your last post



This is becoming a circular argument. You're still focusing on her instead of you.



See what I mean? Chosen is talking about what's right for you and you turn it around to be about your W. No Ralf. It's about you.
No your wrong, I am focusing on what I feel is right for me not her, she isn't even in the equation, and who was it that first coined the funky phrases "drop the rope" and "let them do all the heavy lifting" ?, and its not an argument either, it's a difference of opinion that's all, your all presuming this triviality is a problem to me, but as I may have said once or twice before it isn't, but as always thank you for your concern, to appease you I will now throw out 2 pairs of her knickers one white pair one pink pair, they didn't fit me anyway .
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Old 30th October 2015, 03:45 PM   #2040
ralfgarnett
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Re: Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

Anyway, a strange thing happened to me this morning, I was talking to a very nice local lady whom I may of mentioned previously as she is a white witch and she is a very intelligent interesting woman, we were talking about some pictures when she suddenly stopped and told me not to move, she said for the first time in all the years she has known me she could see my aura around me, she said it was a lovely bright green colour on my left side from the top of my head to half way down my arm, she said it was glowing, then flashing and was about 5 inches deep around my circumference, she told me that green auras are good as it signifies healing, I think this was amazing, I wonder if it is from my Irish side and I am being watched over and guided from heaven ?, I have felt all along that someone has been watching over me and keeping me safe from harm.
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