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Old 24th June 2013, 08:25 AM   #16
Raymond
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

Surely that is a sign of a lack of commitment that he doesn't even live with you although he is your husband.

My advice is to go to your fellowship and build your self up with God's things and find the strength to do the right thing. I think that is to leave him and extracate yourself from this mess. All I can see is years of turmoil ahead and it is up to you to find the strength to get free. You have to make your own decisions though of course.
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Old 24th June 2013, 12:22 PM   #17
chosen
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

I agree with Raymond, you married a guy with no morals or integrity who isn't even prepared to tell you what he is going to do.
You have a child, please think of them. My mother killed herself and it devastated my life for years.
There is life after divorce, I can vouch for that. I have a vey happy marriage now.
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Old 25th June 2013, 04:51 AM   #18
sillybil
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

I left him few months back when we sold our home, things were bad between us, we argued all the time and he went away getting drunk and often didnt come home, I didnt know where he was etc. Time to time he came back and then tried to be nice to me, sweep things under the carpet, didnt want to talk about it. THus now he blamed me saying that if only you didnt left me, things would not happened like this. So it is all my fault according to him. So we both has 12 months lease but I know there is a way if he wants to be together with me. When I left him, I thought I finally found the strenght to leave him but I was wrong, I was so miserable and missed him terribly. He was the same too beside also in his anger or stupidity, he did the unspeakable thing and being unfaithful to me. He thought he could get away with it but shocked when told the OW is pregnant. And now things is just only getting worse. We see each other almost everyday now but I dont want to live separate with him. I want all this come from him if he really wants to make this marriage work. It appear to me the more I am avail for him, I feel that he is taking me for granted now. As if I am the guilty one and trying to make things better. I dont know what else to do but I want to make things work and I dont know why do I believe that somehow it will work? Maybe I am crazy to think this way?
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Old 25th June 2013, 12:58 PM   #19
Raymond
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

I think you may have become a doormat Sillybil. This tends to happen when a spouse puts up with unfaithfulness. What Chosen didn't say was that her father was unfaithful to her mother for years.

Marriage should be sacrosanct and intimacy should only be between the husband and the wife. Where this is breached through adultery or unfaithfulness divorce is permitted by scripture. There are cases where there is sincere repentance and the marriage is sometimes saved. From your husband's behaviour I do not see a sincere repentance. I usually tell wives not to accept them back until they see that sincere repentance. Maybe you have accepted him back where there wasn't that repentance and have now become a doormat?
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Old 25th June 2013, 04:33 PM   #20
chosen
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

I agree with Raymond. He is half hearted about the marriage, and until he is prepared to decide if he wants to be with you, or have her and the child, what sort of marriage is it. If he isn't even prepared to tell the other woman that you are his wife and that he will not be living with her, then there really is no marriage.
Raymond is right, my father, while a good dad in many ways, did have a long affair with another woman, and I wish my mother had given him an ultimatum of 'her or me'. She didn't and it drove her to depression and despair in the end. Don't let it do that to you.
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Old 26th June 2013, 01:48 AM   #21
sillybil
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

He doesnt want to be with her, he just want the child but since OW is carrying the child, he said he will do what he thinks he needs to do to make sure everything is ok with the child. He told me he doesnt have feelings for her. It was a mistake and now it is done. He is a very selfish man. I wish I can just walk away then I wouldnt be in this forum asking for support and advise. That many people I spoke to has told me to leave him but in my heart I dont want to do that. I might be stubborn, maybe there is a reason of why I wont let this marriage go. Is there even a success story like mine or my story is one of the most horrible thing ever?
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Old 26th June 2013, 08:46 AM   #22
Raymond
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

We have had a wives on here before who didn't have the strength to leave a husband who went with other women. Somehow they lacked the courage and had a fear of being on their own. We have also had a wife on here in your position where the husband's unfaithfulness produced a child from the other woman. I don't believe from memory that that marriage survived. You have the added complication in that he gets drunk and doesn't even live with you. You have to ask yourself what are you hanging on to. I'd get your housegroup to pray with you in an ongoing way if you have one. Man's extremity is God's opportunity and I am sure you will find His guidance if you seek it.
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Old 26th June 2013, 01:32 PM   #23
chosen
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

In your position I would not stay with such a man. However, if I did I would set clear conditions for this to carry on.
They would be thing like this.
He came back to you and lived with you. He told her that he was with you and that he wasn't going to leave you.
He was going to provide financially for the baby and come to an arrangement about visitation, AFTER there had been a paternity test.
He would spend no time alone with her in her home.
If he had visitation rights, then you would both go and collect the child an see him or her together at YOUR home.
He must tell her that he will never be with her as her partner.
Also there must be strict boundaries in place for future behaviour with other women.

I would not want this man to be the father of my children. I would not want this man to be my husband. He has no morals, no integrity and he lies cheats and deceives. I think he is stringing you along and telling you lies to be honest. He thinks things will change when the baby is here, they wont. She will carry on controlling and manipulating the situation making threats to to keep him around ie that she will take the child and go abroad etc, and that will last till the child is an adult.

I think you need to be strong and stop allowing this man to get away with his appalling behaviour.
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Old 27th June 2013, 04:41 AM   #24
sillybil
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

He is not the kind of guy that like to be told. If I set some kind of conditions to him, he will feel being controlled and he hates it then he will leaves me. I dont want to be a woman he thought I am, that is controlling etc. BUt you are right with all those boundaries to be set. I dont know how I can discuss this with him without him trying to shut me up or walk away.
I was even thinking maybe I should tell the OW myself or even trying to talk to his mom. BUt if he knows that I do that then he will get very angry with me and thinking that I am trying to change him or control him again. then he will walk away from me. I dont want that to happened. I feel like I am hanging in the fine line and anytime it can break and it will break me in the end. No support from my friends anymore and I have no one really to talk to about this. I am really hoping this forum can somehow help me to be strong with the decision I take to work on my marriage. Maybe in future if things work out then we will live together again. but at this moment everything seems to be in the air. He doesnt know what will happened when the child is born and how he or me will react to this mess. He knows it is a mess and he is not a good man to handle this, very selfish indeed. Please pray for me, show me some light, some hope maybe or a way for me to handle this and be strong.
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Old 27th June 2013, 08:37 AM   #25
Raymond
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

Sillybil you cannot set the controls or conditions Chosen mentions if you are afraid of him leaving. These would be conditions for him staying married to you or else the marriage if finished. Them or me in fact. If you are afraid of him leaving then you have no power to set the conditions which is where you are now. I think it is reasonable to require faithfulness from a husband or else you don't want to be married to him. Living with you is all part of a normal marriage. What wife would agree that the husband lives somewhere else? I think you sell yourself short and put up with things which are not right because you won't set conditions. If he refuses any reasonable conditions then you have to question whether he even values the marriage and where would that leave you?

I see no reason for you to hang on to him unless God is showing you to do so. If He does then I would guess there is a Damascus type experience for him down the road, but you have to be very sure it is God and not just your own weakness in staying with him.
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Old 27th June 2013, 01:24 PM   #26
chosen
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

I agree with Raymond. You are clinging onto him out of fear. You are prepared to have a bad marriage, and to allow him to act so badly because you are afraid of being alone.
Is he actually living with the OW and therefore committing adultery now? If he claims he is doing that so that she wont leave and take the child, then he isnt going to want to come back after the child is born either in case she leaves then. His fear of loosing this child will keep him bound to her and to having to please her, for good. She is controlling him and he is controlling you.
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Old 29th June 2013, 09:20 AM   #27
sillybil
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

He doesn't live with her. OW lives somewhere else which I don't know where. I left him and didn't tell him where I was as I was concern he would harass me while angry with me. So now we both have our own place and only trying to rekindle after the bad news. He is spending most his time with me but to me I want him to take the step to make us live together again. So he said maybe we lives together again when things worked out with us. I hate uncertainty. He wants the child to b born here so he can have rights to child. So he managed to make her stay put in the country. I'm worried she would b a problem and make things hard between us. Believe me I have thought about this all the time and I have every reason to walk away but somehow I can't. How do I know if this is God's will? I pray for his guidance every day. I don't want to feel like this anymore
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Old 1st July 2013, 10:30 AM   #28
Raymond
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

I think God's will grows on you if you are looking to Him and of course reading His word. His will will never contradict the word. Also He lets us do our part. We will be making decisions all day, but if we want God's will we will know it in our hearts. He always knows best. If you are looking to Him as a christian you will get some inkling of the way to go. Is your husband a christian? By a christian I don't mean just a nominal churchgoer but someone who has given their life to Christ and is trying to follow Him.
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Old 1st July 2013, 11:14 AM   #29
sillybil
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

Unfortunately he is not religious. I think he believes in God somehow. I pray for God to show me the way and to give me strength to go thru this. Please pray for me. I have a strong faith in Him and every time I speak to Him, I can feel God is with me. I keep looking for the answer if I should work on this marriage or walk away. It's been really heavy on me but I love him and I know my H loves me too and because of the strong feeling we have for each other, we tend to not wanting to let go of each other. Unfortunately bad things has happened but it can't be reversed now so I'm looking of a way to go past and move forward. God is my only strength and hope. I have no one to talk too so I'm looking forward to hear good advice or success story like my problem. I still have hope even though it sounds crazy
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Old 1st July 2013, 03:13 PM   #30
chosen
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Re: child produced from affair with married man

If your husband loved you, he would not have cheated. Sorry, but love is more that words.He is not acting with love at all.
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