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Old 13th June 2005, 10:25 PM   #1
Joanna
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Unhappy Husband doesn't want sex

I've read a few threads where the wife is not interested in sex - my problem is the opposite. My husband is completely uninterested in sex - a situation which has gone on for six years now, since the birth of our son. In that time, we have made love about 5 times!
I feel very depressed about this, especially as I would like another baby.
Whenever I try to talk to him about this, he goes into his "cave" ie he goes all silent and moody, and barely says a word to me for days on end.
I try to be hopeful, but then end up disappointed when nothing happens, again, and end up feeling very hurt, rejected and depressed.
Are there any other women out there who have experienced this?
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Old 14th June 2005, 09:04 PM   #2
Kate
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Joanna,


I wonder if your husband is actually as miserable as you about the situation, and sees himself as a failure but doesn't know what to do about it. He may need reassurance of your love for him and affirmation.

Since you have posted here, I wonder whether you are a Christian. If so, there are some books that might help you - The Act of Marriage and Intended for Pleasure.

Best wishes

Kate
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Old 16th June 2005, 01:25 AM   #3
Altered Heart
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Joanna,
I wanted to write to you earlier this week but my schedule didn't allow, and I am sorry for that because I know first hand how anxious we can become when we reach out for help and feel the answers are perhaps around the corner.
The fact is, that a sexless marriage is a complex thing. Your situation could be very simple and as easy to solve as talking it out with one another as 'Kate' suggested. However, on the other hand your situation could be one that I have found myself struggling with for 27 yrs. My husband can't 'explain' .. he loves me .. yet he has no sexual drive. "Its not about me' .... hmmmm Can he even begin to fathom how much hearing those words hurt?
You left alot of initial information out as to our your relationship was prior to the birth of your child.Was your sexual life and the intimacy good? Or has it always been poor and just declined further?
I wanted you to know that you are not alone ... Its just that many people male & female don't talk about it ~ Thank You for having the courage to reach out.
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Old 17th June 2005, 09:29 AM   #4
Joanna
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Altered Heart

Thank-you so much for your reply and understanding - that means more than I can explain! I feel for you, too - I cannot imagine another year like this, let alone 22!

You asked about our relationship before our boy was born - -well, it wasn't brilliant, but at leas we managed to have a baby! The birth was very traumatic, and this affected both of us for some time. My husband has also been running his own business, and for a time the stress of this caused him some depression. All this contributed.

However, I now feel it is time to let go of these hurts and move on - to heal. But he is still stuck, and also doesn't want to talk - he resorts to completely stonewalling me if I try to bring it up.

In most other respects our marriage is good, I have never been unfaithful, and I do not suspect him of this. Our roles within the marriage are well defined.

At the moment I feel between a rock and a hard place. I want to tell him how depressed I am feeling - I feel it is getting a little out of hand and I may need some counselling. I plunged quite low after the weekend. It was our wedding anniversary and I had hoped for some intimacy. He, however, seems fairly oblivious to this, and just watched telly! Since then, he seems more affectionate, and I feel that if I say anything now, he will just get back in his stonewall cave, and this will make me even more depressed!

What do you think I should do?

Sorry to unload all this, but thanks for listening (reading)!
Joanna
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Old 27th June 2005, 10:50 PM   #5
janele234
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

My husband and I are going through the same thing. He says he loves me but just has no interest in sex. We are in marriage counseling right now. I'm glad to know I'm not alone. It is so depressing.
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Old 2nd December 2005, 04:38 PM   #6
ChristianWife
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Since your husband is more affectionate when you don't talk about the "problem" (sex), maybe you should try not talking about it for awhile. Although it is not normal for him not to want sex, it could be that he feels that you are critical of him when you bring it up and that may make him withdraw even more. Be sweet, be affectionate, show admiration in all other areas and his sexual drive may just come back on his own. And if it doesn't, don't wait for him to initiate, try initiating yourself. I am also wondering if there are any other issues, i.e. weight gain from your pregnancy. If yes, he may not want to hurt you by telling you that he doesn't find you as attractive as before. In that case, try to exercise and lose some weight.
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Old 3rd December 2005, 10:58 AM   #7
Joanna
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear ChristianWife

Thank-you for your comments, to which I would like to reply. First, though, I would like to re-cap on some of the words featured in standard marriage vows:-

Quote:
to love, cherish, to have and to hold, for better or worse, till death do us part




Please note the absence of phrases such as "as long as I feel like it" or "as long as you still fit into a size 10". Also refer to 1 Corinthians 7 v1-5.


OK then - I agree that its better to be sweet and affetionate rather than constantly demanding. But when months slip into years, this gets increasingly difficult. Its about give and take, but when one partner is not giving, then reservoirs begin to run dry. And yes, I do pray to God to fill them back up again, and He does, but I am only human. And yes again, I do try and initiate sex and intimacy, but again the walls come up, and a stony silence ensues.

It would perhaps appear that it would be better and easier to not say or do anything in the hope that "his sexual drive may just come back on his own". But I do not see any hope of this happening. And if I look back in 10 years time, and see that the only reason that we have not had another baby is that we have not resolved this situation, then I am going to feel very bitter and resentful, and this will threaten the health and even existance of our marriage.

I think that the level of hurt and rejection experienced by a woman in a situation like this is difficult to understand by someone who has not been there. I feel very hurt and damaged, and even if my husband were to say to me tonight, with a twinkle in his eye, "lets have an early night, sweetheart", I would still have alot of healing to do. I feel that he has taken the gift of my sexuality, which I gave to him alone on our wedding night, and has looked at it, considered it rubbish and tossed it aside. This may or may not be the case, but's how I feel. And I would like him to realise and acknowledge that his actions (or lack of them) have had an impact on me and have hurt me, regardless of whether that was his intention.

I have a great deal more to say to say on this, but I think thats enough for now. Once you start, its difficult to stop! I appreciate any comments, but please dont assume this is a superficial or easy to resolve problem.

J
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Old 8th December 2005, 06:28 PM   #8
gsquash
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Do you know very much about your husband's past i.e before you were married, childhood etc?? I think that experiences that we have been through before marriage can massively effect how we are in marriage. Also think about your past experiences aswell. My husband and I are currently going through some really deep stuff that goes right back and the strange thing is that I had made some inner vows in my teens towards men - It's quite hard to explain but the inner vows that I had made were preventing my marriage from being whole. if you've heard of John and Carol Arnott then look at some of their teaching on this stuff it's fantastic. Are you and your husband part of a church??

Keep praying, God's heart is for your marriage to be whole - it may take some work and time - pray that God will begin to soften your husbands heart so you can open up lines of communication.

LOVE
gemma
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Old 9th December 2005, 10:30 AM   #9
Joanna
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Gemma

Thank-you for your encouragement. Yes, we are part of a great church, and I am part of a really supportive ladies group, where I have been able to share discreetly with wise and understanding ladies. Because of my H's lack of communication on this subject, I don't know, but I doubt, whether he has shared with anyone - but I am praying that he will.

I have considered the inner vow issue, especially as my husband once said something to make me think along these lines, and yopur post was a confirmation of this. I will certainly look up John and Carol Arnott. I would ideally love for us both to attend counselling, but I think that he is a long way from agreeing to this.

Thank-you again,

Joanna
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Old 26th April 2007, 07:09 AM   #10
1aokgal
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Red face Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Joanna.......

I appreciate your posting concerning feelings you have about your marriage and the abstinence of any sexual relationship with your husband.
I share this problem as well for many years pattern..13 years..with the man I married... 26 years ago..and dearly love today.
There is such grief to lose the part of life that should be a woman's right to know love and physical intimacy within marriage. There are no other women or explanations from him. He won't discuss the matter. Basically, to him there is no problem.

While I am told daily that I am loved by a man who does things for my comfort. I can feel little emotional connection sometimes and wish I could talk with him enough to uncover the problems. No, he was never abused or such. He just puts too much into his work life and not enough to our life at times. I remember an annniversary day cruise ten years ago. All couples aboard had anniversary and were excited to share a happy day. Photos were taken and you can see in my face the knowledge that for me it was an empty show.

My happiness is through my paintings, children, music and a close friend who knows the truth. I can at least speak of this and have some emotional support.

This assexualism is often seen as if the woman has somehow failed. She is judged not exciting enough or sexual enough or attractive. I remember my mother said she never had "that problem" in her marriage. I felt punished again to be so judged.

This problem is far more common than is thought. The advice columns continue to exploit women as one who is frigid or not interested in the sexual part of marriage. I say there are many men who act pretty normal and have low libido and no interest. I know this too well. I have been very fortunate to keep in my heart a man I repect who is decent and works hard for my welfare. It is a great shame he does not wake up to the loss of the years without intimacy.

Do not let the years slip by without trying every tool for change from counselling to medical evaluation. We tried some of this but I think he is happy with things as they stand. We survive alright as long as I do not discuss the problem. It helps a little to post here and hear others and how they cope. I try to produce beautiful paintings and feel happy when I do them.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 13th June 2007 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 29th September 2007, 04:47 AM   #11
mermaid
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear Altered Heart, thank you for sharing that you've had the same sex-less problem for 27 years; I have too, for over 26 years and I can't go on another year! I am an enforced celibate and it's dreadfully wrong on the part of our husbands to score the verses out that commands them to be our lovers and to love us wholeheartedly; they have no excuse! I also feel ugly and rejected and used to climb the walls with frustration, now I don't like my husband, and I don't think he is a husband to me at all. I feel cheated and I feel that I only have a bit of a legal document, but not an actual marriage. These things should NOT be. We don't have to take it.
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Old 29th September 2007, 04:56 AM   #12
mermaid
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Joanna, good for you! I agree with you that what right does our husbands have to switch off and disregard their vows! I feel I've been cheated on with nobody; I've been denied love and sex for two and a half decades now and lately I've decided to get out of the marriage when I can, before it's too late for me to ever experience love with a man who deserves my love; there is NO EXCUSE whatsoever; they can go and hide in their cave, there are plenty more men out there. I'm not advocating adultery at all; I am like you and was a virgin on my wedding night and my husband decided we'd sleep in separate rooms and had all kinds of high-falluting spiritual ideas of why we should do this, but it's balderdash.
I also felt my husband took my precious treasure, my gift of my love and sexuality to him, and decided it's not worth a thing, it's dirty and shameful for me to have any actual desires of my own, after all am I not there to serve him and not show any feelings of my own? I want a real man who is capable of love and surely God understands this? He made us as sexual beings, he made us capable of intense pleasure and not having that is like starving as it's one of two basic human desires, that of eating and that of having sex.
We have to get real, these, 'men' don't deserve our love; what did they get married for? There are two things that hold a marriage together, love and lust, without both, it fails.
God alone cannot hold a marriage together, it takes the two people. That's why so many Christians are getting divorced, they are leaving too much up to God and banking on the fact that we don't want to get divorced like the people do who don't believe in God, we are being taken for granted, utterly.
I'll write more later.
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Old 29th September 2007, 05:06 AM   #13
mermaid
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Dear 1aokgal, oh I just feel we have been conned into thinking it's ok and to get fulfilment out of something else, like our paintings (I'm an artist too); for years I felt ashamed that I had sexual feelings and wanted my husband who didn't want me in the slightest. I tried to say it doen't matter as I felt it was the noble thing to do, now I realise how stupid I was; it's just not right and we should not put up with it; lots of men are good providers and hard workers, but they are worth nothing for their cruelty of forcing celibacy on a woman. They should have let us know they were literally going to, 'pull out' on the marriage contract as that is actually what they have done, cheated us.
Marriage to me is the act of love-making; Isaac brought Rebecca into his mother's tent and he became his wife, it was the physical and spiritual union which made them man and wife in God's eyes; all I am left with is a legal document saying I went through a marriage ceremony, but I don't feel I've ever really been married. I never see my, 'husband', he is always outside doing his own things in his workshops and ignores and neglects me, it's not on. I don't think they deserve our protection, they have been heels and they know it.
If it was the other way around, they'd feel free to stray, wouldn't they? They would not let their needs be denied for very long.
I feel we are too easy to say God will provide our every need, but that is one thing God cannot do for us and provided us with a husband to do that and if he doesn't, then he has no right to call himself a husband. Showing love through little jobs or providing is not being a husband; only a husband can do to us what no other man should ever do, we can get workmen in to fix things, we can get gardeners to come and do our lawns, etc, but it's the husband's prime duty, to make love to us. Nothing else is more important as it's his unique work towards us.
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Old 19th October 2007, 02:38 PM   #14
cheleanne
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Joanna,

You are not alone... my husband is the same as yours and yes, it is a very frustrating and depressing thing. I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have maybe had sex - MAYBE 20 times. The reason I say 'sex' and not making love is because it's a roll on, roll off, go to sleep thing. Ever heard the saying 'Wham! Bam! Thank-you M'am!'? My husband invented that saying as far as I'm concerned.

I have tried to talk to him about it also - but I get no response. I have begged him to see a doctor to rule out any medical issues, but he won't go. He is just not interested. I feel very lonely, unloved, unwanted, and unattractive, even though I've been told by other men that I am beautiful, and sexy.

I have also said to my husband that 'people who don't get their needs fulfilled at home, do look elsewhere!'..... no response. It's almost like he WANTS me to go elsewhere for attention, but when a friend of ours started PAYING attention to me in a flirty way, he got mad. So I guess I'm really confused - as you are....

I don't understand why this has to happen. Premarital sex is taboo - so, if it's wrong to have sex BEFORE you get married, isn't it natural to EXPECT SEX on a regular basis AFTER you get married??? I would think so , but my husband has other ideas. If you ever figure it out, please, please, let me know.......

Good luck to you - and all of us living in this type of relationship......
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Old 23rd October 2007, 08:43 PM   #15
Raymond
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Just a long shot. I may be completely off the wall and hope I will not offend anyone, but sometimes it's not that they have lost their sexual drive rather that it is being diverted into masturbation, fantasy or even porn. These are solo things usually done in secret but can have a big affect on intimacy as it is really a mental adultery. Jost a long shot just in case.

Raymond
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