Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  
Old 9th April 2010, 08:03 PM   #1
mdmquincy
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 125
Lightbulb Rewriting the Marriage History

Found the following article that was stolen from else where [link at the bottom]. It really spoke to me, and I thought many here might be interested.
It may seem that most divorces are similar in nature. Actually, there are different types of divorces, each of them with their own unique psychological characteristics and emotional intensity.
The Mutual Agreement pattern of divorce occurs when both mates are unhappy and conclude that they will be happier being apart. This couple often settles their affairs amicably and quickly, and may stay friends.
The Unilateral pattern of divorce entails one person deciding to leave to the dismay of the other. There are greater emotional implications in this type of split, where the person who chooses to leave has had time to consider, reflect, weigh the options and emotionally detach, while the “left mate” is caught unprepared, treated unfairly, surprised and abandoned. Requests for more time, counseling or opportunity to change the situation are denied. The process of this
divorce is harder and more emotional due to the imbalance of power.
The emotional intensity is even greater in a Compounded divorce pattern, where there is involvement of a third party. In this situation, the partner not only feels abandoned, he or she feels replaced. The pain here is about having lost a primary position in the mate’s life to another individual. There are added painful emotions about immorality, betrayal, and failure.
Within each of these divorce patterns there are additional subsets. The following subsets are associated with the Compounded divorce pattern.
In the Compounded pattern, a spouse meets another person who is adoring and makes them feel very valued and desired. At first, they lavish in the attention and feel invigorated. With time, the spouse begins to COMPARE his/her feelings about the new admirer to those he/she has for their spouse. If they decide to break up their family and start a new life (or they are asked to explain their affair), the adulterous spouse is likely to go through the following psychological stages:
1. DEMONIZING THE MATE: The offending spouse is a decent person who is aware that their conduct is frowned upon both morally and socially. They begin to feel great guilt, yet, continue the relationship with the other person. In order to reconcile the conflict between their view of themselves as a moral being and their unacceptable conduct, the offending spouse resorts to demonizing their mate as a justification for the affair. They ascribe to their mate many negative and unforgivable traits and behaviors. Suddenly, their mate is an inept person, companion, lover, parent, and they may even be labeled “evil” or “crazy.”
2. REWRITING HISTORY: Not only is the partner found to be irrevocably faulted, the offending spouse claims that he/she has been so for the duration of the marriage. The offending spouse re-creates a view of historical suffering and pain he/she has endured. They may say, “I have been unhappy in the marriage for 20 years” or, “She made every day of our married life a miserable day.” It is clear that this is a re-created story because of the exaggerated nature of the comment, its intensity and the lack of balance. The offending spouse assumes no personal responsibility for their role in the so-called “long-term suffering.” They seeks approval and support from others for having been a victim, which in their mind fully justifies their affair and subsequent abandonment of their family.
3. PUNISHING THE MATE: The offending spouse retells his/her newly developed view of suffering often enough that he/she begins to believe that his/her mate DESERVES to be punished. The offended spouse becomes the “offender” and thus needs to be dealt with harshly. The punishment is dished out through financial withholding, or worse, through fighting over the children. The offending spouse believes that their mate is not entitled to receive any future benefits from him/her, sometimes not even those allowed by the law. In many cases, the offending spouse may even attempt to deprive the spouse of equal, fair or appropriate access to the children or to child support. Needless to say, this divorce will be very bitter, lengthy, costly and detrimental to the children.
4. SEEKING APPROVAL: Despite all of the offending spouses vengeance, he/she still wants the affirmation and approval of family, friends, and curiously enough, even his mate. He/She wants the mate to ACCEPT that he/she was primarily responsible for the break-up of the family and realize that he/she had no other choice but to act as he/she did. Sadly, this view may be imparted upon the children, who are traumatized enough by the divorce. The deep-seated guilt that the offending spouse experiences continues to plague him/her.
5. RESTORING BALANCE: The offending spouse expects their left mate to accept their new life and even be happy for them. They want their left mate to take the full blame for their need to escape the so-called intolerable marriage. Therefore, the left mate should also accept the “new reality” and make peace with the OW or OM. Since the left mate does not share the offending spouse’s reconstructed view of their history, he/she is often unwilling to embrace the offending spouse’s new life. With time, some couples learn to act civilly toward each other, often for the sake of their children.
In summary, in the Compounded style of divorce, which involves a third party, the following happens:
*A spouse becomes involved with a third party and is subsequently beleaguered by guilt.
*To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct, he/she first demonizes the mate, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms and then depicts himself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor.
*This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. He/She then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage.
*The divorcing couple eventually try to restore balance, whereby a normalized or civil relationship is created. This may or may not be fully achieved.
If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who has been, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved.
The left mate experiences a HELLISH NIGHTMARE. They are likely to go through the following stages, which are often reported in the form of sequential questions:
*The demonizing process produces feelings of pure shock.
“How can my partner betray me in the worst possible way? Not only did he have an affair, but he compounded the betrayal by accusing me of causing it.”
“Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also restorted to DEFAMING my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years?”
“How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by depicting their mother in the worst possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”
*The rewriting of history is a major violation of the mate’s reality.
“How could he have been miserable for 10 years without my awareness? Or worse, how could all of the joy I recall be a figment of my imagination?”
“If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help FOR HIMSELF?”
*Being punished for creating a partner’s misery is a mind-boggling state.
“He started an affair, lied, deceived, violated trust and his commitment, started fights to escape from home and ultimately decided to leave our family, and I need to be punished?”
“Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed.”
“To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marrige failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”?”
“I am also left with the task of preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion, and pain. But, as long as the children are in pain, I am accused of turning them against him!”
“If all of this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now thinks I should accept this other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.”
“Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman whose only interest was not that of our family unit, but of her own needs?”
The people who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy-making.” Such severe distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.
What can a left partner do under these circumstances?
*Realize that all of these five phases serve the leaving partner and have little to do with you.
*Understand that this is your partner’s tragic way of dealing with their guilt. Their perceptions are the reconstructed ones.
*Your partner’s lack of any cupability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.
*Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marital history, interactions, and your worthy personality.
*Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are being fed is created for your partner’s self-exoneration.
*Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.
*Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with the children. Your youngsters will eventually process these events appropriately.

http://beerlove.wordpress.com/what-i...y-for-divorce/
mdmquincy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th April 2010, 12:48 AM   #2
luce
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 305
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

Wow, great find. So much resonance and it really is crazy making. Thanks for posting this one.
luce is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th April 2010, 02:47 PM   #3
georgie
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

so true it scares me!
georgie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th April 2010, 04:12 PM   #4
sean1234
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 139
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

Oh my god seems to make so much sense.
sean1234 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2010, 12:41 AM   #5
JWD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,178
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

Oh my. That just detailed my marriage split and his behaviour word for word!
__________________
“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
JWD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2010, 10:04 AM   #6
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

You've touched on something there JWD and outlined the wickedness and deception of adultery. No wonder it was forbidden as one of the ten commandments. It is such a devastating thing and the wounds go deep.

It still leaves the problem of healing but that's another story.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2010, 01:40 PM   #7
georgie
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 424
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

and it seems once that particular switch has been flicked there isn't a thing we can do about it
georgie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2010, 06:09 PM   #8
JWD
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,178
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

What makes it more remarkable for me is, my ex suspected his first wife of having an affair. How could you then go on and do it to someone else? Although, I remember reading somewhere that its very common for a someone that has been betrayed to go on and repeat it in another relationship.

I wish there was an article detailing what they say and feel 5 years down the line. Mind you, by then I reckon my ex's version of events will be so far removed from reality he will be telling people I left him for someone else LOL.....and he'll actually believe it.
__________________
“One day you’re going to wake up and realize how much you care about her and how amazing she really is… and when that day comes she’ll be waking up next to the man who already knew”
JWD is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2010, 08:13 PM   #9
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

Sometimes the truth about ourselves can be unbearable and we prefer to believe the lie, but anything built on lies crumbles in the end.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 18th July 2010, 11:54 PM   #10
mdmquincy
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 125
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

I agree. Truth will set you free; it just might free you from others. The trick is getting to all that truth at one time.
Then, there's the endless blame. It's not enough our H and W's do it, others join in as well. Must be the truth if everything has gone horrid? Must be something wrong with us to have been abandoned so? Surely, we must have done something wrong? No, I don't accept it. Doesn't matter who's selling it.

J
mdmquincy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th July 2010, 10:01 AM   #11
Raymond
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Rewriting the Marriage History

If you believe in the truth it will surely set you free. Set you free from the damage inflicted on you through others false perceptions of situations. The deception is built to protect ones own self image as the truth would be too damaging. Too see oneself as an adulterer with all that goes with it would destroy the new relationship. Therefore a false picture is built up and spread to friends and relatives (those that are gullible at least). In this way a semblance of order is restored but because it is not the truth it will eventually collapse. If one can see through that then you can shake off the lies and realise what is going on. If you receive the lies then yes you will be questioning yourself needlessly and become a prisoner of the false picture set up. Outside help, encouragement and affirmation is needed here to establish what is right and what is the truth.

Raymond
Raymond is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 03:22 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2019 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer