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Old 4th May 2010, 01:57 AM   #1
So alone
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I want to understand

I don't know where to start because I really don't know where it did start. I've been reading the forums the past week because like many of the people on here I found my self in the same boat 2 weeks ago. I just know that i am so afraid and so lost.
He rang me up at half eleven at night, whilst I was at my parents house and told me he wants to separate and split up. That we're not good together, that he feels better on his own, that I'm like a black cloud and he's miserable when I'm around. That we don't work as a couple, that it's my fault we don't have a sex life, that he is better without me. I felt like he had stabbed me and kept stabbing me because all this from a man who has been (what I thought) supportive, fun, loving and constantly telling me that any problems we might be having (and they have been awful) are just problems and that he wouldn't want me to think that we're going to be a statistic, that he loves me so much blah blah blah. We have been through severe financial strain for the past 12 months and his business is well to be fair, a complete failure, he has made less than a couple of grand in the last year. We have relied on friends and family handouts and my ability to cook food with barely anything. I've been very ill and in ways I could not have ever imagined. I used to be a personal trainer and healthy but have had problem after problem after problem. the stress of which made my hair start to fall out (it's back now tho!) and I've been on morphine. This has all been made worse by his family especially his mother. This woman has bitched about me so much behind my back to him, has made snide remarks because i put on weight, but all said in a jolly way. She has even taken a pudding out of my hand because she said she was thinking of my figure ha ha ha (not) She recently said that I'm jealous of my husband, that he will always be her special boy (he's 40 btw) that she and him always have a special bond. She has slagged me off to my other sister in law and she slags her off to me or anyone. All this whilst I've been so desperately ill. My H and me have rowed so much about this and he sticks up for her by saying 'it's just the way she is'. She even wrote a card to my parents after our wedding to thank them for a lovely 'do' and wonders just how long our marriage will last. It made my dad very upset to read such poisonous words and I was and still am, livid. I've done my best for my H because that's the way I've been brought up. i noticed over the past few weeks as his 40th birthday was approaching that he has been complaining more about what a failure he is, that he's never achieved anything just like his father. that he's fat, that he's noticed wrinkles that he's not as fit as he used to be, that he thinks he's been comfort eating ( he rang me from mcdonalds to tell me!) that he knows he's miserable, that he knows it's definately not me that he thinks he might be depressed. I suggest to get help and he say he doesn't have a problem it must be something else. He has now decided that i am to blame for our sh*t life, that im a black cloud hanging over him, that he perks up when I'm not around. After he told me all this, i came back the next evening and I then say ok then and he was all shocked and said oh is that it? Are we going to split up? i say well that 's what you said you wanted and he said no, I don't want that you do. (?) I said, now you're confusing me, I thought you wanted to split up, he says well i do it's just oh I don't know, our marriage has lots of good things going for it and my vows are important but i don't know who i am anymore.

I've been away for 10 days and not heard a peep from him although he said he would be here when i got back tonight and he's not. He's probably in the pub drinking because it's my fault he feels like he can't cope so has to drink. I have lost just under a stone because I keep being sick and i can't sleep either. Oh i think I hear the door. Yes it's him and I'm now nervous. Will write tomorrow. Not that I'm sure what that will be about.
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Old 4th May 2010, 07:43 AM   #2
dazed and confused
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

I do understand how you feel.I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't. For some reason when guys get depressed they seem to always blame the one closest to them? I'm not sure why they do this myself.
I'm just about 7 weeks into my H doing the samething. I know the alone feeling I try to keep busy .
I think that was mean of your mother inlaw to take a pudding out of your hand. She sounds heartless.
Gee they all run to the pub don't they? I guess they think they'll find answers at the bottom of the bottle.
Well your not alone anymore.There are very nice people on here and we're all going through the same stuff.


Take Care
Val
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Old 4th May 2010, 08:05 AM   #3
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Hi there, so alone

So sorry you're going through this. It sounds very similar to what i've gone through with my H. I think the reason they blame us for the way they feel is to do with their loss of pride and self-esteem so they actually do feel worse around us because we remind them how they've let us down. My H is adamant we don't work as a couple (despite being together 10 years). It's so painful to hear.

Regarding your Mother-In-Law, you need to set some serious boundaries there. If you do make it work with your H he will have to be better at talking to her about what is acceptable and what isn't. On the other side of it I find it very very sad when women are still like this about their sons. It shows she has been unable to allow him to grow up and move away from her. She probably has problems with other relationships in her life if she's anything like my Mum, so you could try and feel sorry for her (!!!)

Anway, got to go and get children dressed, but I just wanted to quickly post and say that I'm thinking of you. Keep us posted how you go.

Love Kathryn
x
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Old 4th May 2010, 08:52 AM   #4
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone,

You'll find there are several of us on this site that have gone through something very similar. I'm seperated from my depressed ex, who currently is making comments like he 'doesn't know what love is', and he 'doesn't know who he is anymore', he 'feels numb inside' and 'doesn't know what he wants'. Does any of that sound familiar?

Dazed & Confused and Up & Down are spot on - depression seems to cause men to push those closest to them away. They seem think to exactly what your H has said; they blame those around them for their depression and think if they can push them away, they'll push the depression away too.

You've got to set boundaries for yourself too, otherwise it will leave you emotionally drained and exhausted trying to make sense of what he's saying, and it sounds like you're exhausted already. See if there's a local group near you that are for carers of people with depression. I'm going to one tomorrow evening to get some more insight. Hit the library and get some books on depression - try not to overload yourself, but learning about it will reassure you that it's not your fault. There are also some great web sites. I'm on http://www.sane.org.uk/DiscussionBoa...wforum.php?f=5
which is a forum specifically for those worried about or caring for others with mental health issues, including depression.

Call on friends, your family, anyone you can for help and support. It's a lonely place because the one person you thought you could rely on through thick and thin is sick and isn't there for you, and you need care and support yourself to get through this. I appreciate from your post that finances are tight, but try to create some personal time to treat yourself - a good book from the library, a long hot bath with a glass of wine, my favourite is going out to a Comedy Club. It might be worth checking with your doctor that you're not a bit depressed yourself - living with the constant negativity can have that effect, and it sounds like you've been through some rough times.

He needs to get to a doctor and get help. You've got a major plus in your favour; at least he recognises that something is wrong and has admitted he may be depressed. That's a major step in the right direction- he'll be far more open to getting help for it (I wish my ex would accept he's depressed!)

Mother-in-law - I'm no expert on this, there maybe someone out there who can advise you better, but I'm wondering if it's worth writing a letter to her? It does sound like she's doing her very best to undermine your marriage because she's jealous of you.

Huge hugs - you are not alone in this. Take care of youself.
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Old 4th May 2010, 12:51 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: I want to understand

I hope that his visit is positive SA. No doubt you will share with us on what has happened now.

His Mum seems to operate a control thing which can severely restrict him in growing up properly. She never seemed to have cut the apron strings to release him into life.

I think you now need to look to yourself while this is going on. Perhaps go to the gym etc. and do what you need to do to stand up vertically next to him and see what is going on. No doubt he has problems but you being strong will affect things in a positive way. You need to ride it out while he is in this state. I think he doesn't know what he means himself so you need outside reference points to build yourself up.

Raymond
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Old 7th May 2010, 01:41 AM   #6
So alone
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Question Re: I want to understand

Hello,
Thank you all so so very much for all your thoughts. It is comforting to hear from people I've never even met. I've been doing alot of thinking since I posted and plus the fact when my H turned up he talked. Til 3am. He suggested going to Relate and I guess the fact he was the one who suggested that is a good thing. I'm sleeping in the box room on the sofabed and it's all very odd. I feel odd. I certainly can't relax in the slightest and don't know what to say from one minute to the next or if to say anything at all. He has gone out tonight on a stag do which for the first time in my life with him i feel nervous of trusting him. It's a sickening feeling. My confidence has dropped vertically. He said he would be home before 1am. Why I believed that when everything else he has said has been so contradictory. When I came back home after being at my parents our house was a mess. Yes he'd done a couple of loads of washing and the washing up but things like the kitchen floor is filthy, the bins need going out and the recycling is overflowing. Part of me wants to do it because I can't stand to see it all, but then the greater part of me says no and that if he want's to be so independent then he can do it. Silly really. I feel stupid. I feel like all those feelings he is trying to pin on to me. Like I'm not good enough, or attractive enough or well, anything really. I wanted to be a mummy and he had been the one talking to me about it etc. i'm soon to be 34 and feel so let down.
As for the business with his mother, well that's only the half of it. His family really are like something you'd only read about in a magazine at the doctors. Truly don't know what to say. All i guess I can focus on is going to Relate and that he suggested it so maybe he doesn't want to separate? I just don't know anything anymore.
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Old 7th May 2010, 09:32 AM   #7
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone,

The fact that he's talking is a good thing, but don't let the contradictions drive you insane (I know, easier said than done!)

Yes, the fact that he suggested Relate is a good thing. Don't pin your hopes on seeing results in the first session; it's just about getting to know you two and your problems. I think they recommend 6 sessions. It might well help with the family issues too. They also do some really good books (Amazon) that might be worth a read. I've bought a couple of them and I like their practical approach and real stories.

He really does need to get to a doctor and talk about getting some help there.

I moved out into a rented room and it felt wrong for months. The fact that you two are still under the same roof is good; it gives you time to talk.

Quote:
My confidence has dropped vertically

Living with someone who is depressed will do that to you. I haven't had a single compliment in 5 years and constant criticism. That will bring anybody down. Remember; you are a fabulous woman living with a man who is currently an idiot!

Quote:
I feel like all those feelings he is trying to pin on to me. Like I'm not good enough, or attractive enough or well, anything really.
It's called blame-shifting and appears to be another common trait of depression. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. According to my ex, I'm not sporty enough, and the fact I've got a deaf ear annoys him because he has to repeat himself !! They are blaming you for them feeling down, and picking on stupid things to try and justify their behaviour. It hurts.

There's another great website on depression here: http://www.belljar.co.uk. (Wish I'd found out about this before); every time he is being contradictory, negative or critical of you, maybe you could try saying to yourself 'He's depressed. He doesn't mean what he's saying. It's caused by a temporary chemical imbalance in the brain' as a way of protecting yourself from him?

Quote:
i'm soon to be 34 and feel so let down

The way I look at it, is; better now than 10 years down the line. And I hang on to that thought. We can't turn the clock back (the number of times I wish I'd never met him) but we can do something about the future.

Quote:
I just don't know anything anymore
I hear you. It will drive you mad trying to work it out, because their brains are dysfunctional. Seriously. I don't know who my ex is any more. If I didn't think he was depressed, I'd be running a mile screaming. It's the thought that the man I fell for is still in there somewhere that keeps me hoping, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Take care of yourself,

A
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Old 8th May 2010, 11:03 PM   #8
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Wiggle gives excellent advice. I hope you are doing well, and that you are making progress. Progress is relative, of course. Baby steps are amazing in these situations, and it is easy to lose yourself in your own expectations. (Trust me, I am the queen of that particular problem.)

I am rooting for you and will continue to follow your thread. Make sure to note what is working for you in your marital first aid, but also make sure that you look to what is not working. Sometimes the biggest leaps are in giving up mistakes, instead of adopting solutions.

Love and healing and relating,
J
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Old 10th May 2010, 07:03 PM   #9
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hello again,
Well we went to Relate and it was ok. I think. I think (although I am concerned I am just clutching at straws and being desperate) that as he was talking and explaining a few things that he was realising just how much is him. Things like his family is rather dysfunctional, that this happened and that happened and that he's never dealt with any of it for his entire life but just pushed it under the carpet hoping it would go away and that he wouldn't have to deal with it. He mentioned feeling like he is suffering from depression and the counsellor suggested that he appears to be suffering from every single symptom and that perhaps going to the doctors would be a good idea. He cried when i was talking and explaining the illnesses and how unwell I have been. She noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding rings. He's noticed I've since put them back on. He's noticed I've dropped a stone and am not sleeping much. He's brought me a cup of tea every morning. He's told me he just doesn't know very much but that he doesn't want to feel like he has been. He told me he doesn't hate me it's just he doesn't know anything. (God that bugs me as I feel like he is saying that as some kind of token gesture that I should somehow be grateful for). He's told his mother all about how poorly I have been over the past few years and this is the most personal stuff that of all people I feel very betrayed by. I do feel very betrayed. Out of everything I have been through in my life this is by far the worst with any shadow of a doubt. Being ill hasn't been as bad as this. I've been to my doctors today and he has said the same as everyone here and my close friends, which I again must try and take some comfort in. My husband is suffering from depression. After the Relate session had finished the counsellor asked that next session to see him on his own and again reiterated going to the doctors about his depression. In the lift he said that he is not going to the doctors under any circumstances. He is going to his Relate session tomorrow. We are going to do the weekly shop this evening. We haven't done that in 2 years as he has said he hates that kind of thing. (Never used to as we used to mess about and be silly).
He worked all day on Friday, telephoned me midnight to tell me he still has 12 hours worth of work to do. He worked all through the night and rang me at 8.30am telling me he still has 6 hours worth of work to finish. He carried on working with only 1 hours sleep until 7pm Saturday just to get this deadline finished. He then telephoned me and said he felt so ill. What kind of an idiot works like that and sets themselves nigh on impossible targets? The same person that went out last Monday evening to the pub? The same idiot that thought going out on a stag do and getting hammered until 3am the night before would be a good idea? He is self employed i might add. And quite frankly all this blaming me stuff is because he knows he isn't particularly great at his business. I think setting such critical targets where it's highly likely he will fail is done subconsciously on purpose. It will prove he is a failure. Perhaps that's why he's pushing me away. I don't know.

I went to a friends wedding over the weekend - a wedding that he said on wednesday he would absolutely most definately be coming to. Well that didn't happen (not that it was likely to with the way HE planned his week). He saw a photo and made the comment, 'wow my gorgeous and sexy wife'. This is most strange to hear from a man who hasn't said that since before all the bad times began.
I feel so at odds and have only cried twice today so that is progress in itself. Doctor said I'm suffering from stress and exhaustion hence why i am so so cold. (I am wearing 6 layers today!) That i am to go back to the doctors every week.
i don't really know what else to say, what else is there to say? Where is the man I married?
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Old 11th May 2010, 12:37 AM   #10
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Oh my! I don't even know what to say. Your husband is showing all kinds of ambivalence. Love v. hate. Love is nice until it is sabotaged by the hate.

Your husband certainly sounds depressed. Have you tried doing some things to help with the depression immediately. I know exercise, vitamin B, St. John's Wort, and sleep are all supposed to help. Diet can make a big impact as well. Can you deceptively start treating him now? Maybe if he can get to a good day, you can ask him to sit down and compare his high and low days. Ask him if he would like to have more good days, more happy times.

You keep yourself warm, too. You've got to take care. You can even tell him that the "changes" are for your health, as they will benefit you, too.

Hope you are feeling better soon. We are all rooting for you!

J
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Old 11th May 2010, 02:11 AM   #11
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well what a surprise - he didn't come home until midnight and that was after getting laggered in the pub. He called me at 10.30pm saying he feels all odd and doesn't want to come home. That he is going to the pub, that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. i suggest that maybe he's nervous about tomorrow's appt with Relate and he pauses for a moment and says yeah , maybe, I am a little nervous. He then announced that he just wants me to be happy - that I am a loving person and deserve to be happy he just doesn't think he could ever make me happy. He announces that he's been thinking a lot tonight and he's worked out that he's never really ever been truly happy ever in his life, that he has always felt depressed. He cried (although he tried to hide it) when i said that i am his wife - for better for worse. Says he didn't think life would be this hard. Says he looks at himself and thinks he is unattractive and not very nice. Proceeds to stick out his belly and and grab what little there is there and complain he is fat and ugly. Says he is a crap businessman. Says it would be so much easier if i left him and found somebody else because then that way I would at least be happy - much easier all round. Says he is not going to the doctors because that would be an admission of failure. Far better to punish yourself than admit that he says.
I've been reading up on the sites that some of you posted and all the symptoms etc. to me he seems to be pretty textbook. He had a very traumatic childhood where he locked himself physically away most of the time. He has abandonment issues and trust issues and is pretty sensitive which he hates. God this is ridiculous. I feel like I am clutching at straws for a meaning to all of this.

Have thought about some kind of stealth method this afternoon. Think I might give it a go with omega 3 and healthy food. He even admitted tonight that he needs to eat a decent meal because all he has been eating these past few weeks is junk food. He used to be very fit but due to work that went out the window with the dark ages. I know he feels so bad about himself. God it hurts so much to have him look me in the eye and says he doesn't know who he is or if he has ever truly loved me. I must sound like a stuck record. What on earth do i do now? I only hope that he will go to his appt tomorrow.
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Old 11th May 2010, 03:09 AM   #12
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

Give it a try. Shouldn't be a total loss, as you'll be receiving the same benefits to help you through.

Let us know how things go tomorrow. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you

Love and healing,
J
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Old 11th May 2010, 10:10 AM   #13
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

So alone,

I could have written large chunks of your posts. My ex says his family were emotionally repressed, never argued, never talked about anything remotely controversial. He said only yesterday evening that he feels as though throughout his life he's just ignored problems until they've gone away. He says he doesn't know what he wants, that he's not sure he even fancies me still, so I think you're one up there - at least your H is making some effort to be nice to you with the tea and the comment about the photo! I know it's not much but hang on to it because believe me, it's better than nothing.

It's horrible. Absolutely horrible. What makes it worse is the mental torture because all they can come up with is 'I don't know' which leaves you in a ghastly limbo. It is a betrayal, and the worst part of it is I feel I can't even get angry with him for it because it's not his fault, he's drepessed. It's like kicking a dog that's down. Arrgh!

He has got to get to the doctors. He is depressed; it's caused by a temporary chemical imbalance in the brain. His brain is screwed, he needs the meds. (I've written all this down in a notebook for myself so when I start taking it personally, I can take it out and remind myself). My ex was resistant to the idea of going to the doctors too. Keep at it. Could you try telling him that going to the doctor's isn't a sign of failure, but a sign of strength- he's taking control of his illness and dealing with it? You could also try talking to his doctor yourself and expressing your concerns? It might also be possible to get some counselling on the NHS too.

Quote:
I think setting such critical targets where it's highly likely he will fail is done subconsciously on purpose. It will prove he is a failure


Perfectionism and extreme criticism are key symptoms. Mine is exactly the same - he says he's set his bar so high he can never reach it, and then beats himself up for failing. They create their own self-fulfilling prophecies of how rubbish and worthless they are. And that's why he's pushing you away - as he says, he feels so rubbish about himself he thinks you'd be better off without him. Not because he doesn't want you.

Quote:
Where is the man I married?


Buried in a deep pile of his own pain and low self-esteem, but he is in there somewhere. You can't drag him out; it needs pills and some form of therapy (the combination can reduce repeat episodes) and he has got to want to do it. I can't repeat that enough; you are not responsible for his state of mind. The number of times I've wished I could lock my ex in a room, force-feed him meds and let him out in 6 months…unfortunately the police would take a dim view!

Quote:
I feel like I am clutching at straws for a meaning to all of this


It will drive you nuts (as it's been killing me for the last 4 months) trying to work it out and solve it. Look after youself. Then you are in a better place to help him. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Again, I know, easier said than done, I've just started to get to that point myself.

The alcohol consumption's not great. It's not uncommon for depressives to self-medicate with alcohol - try to blot out the depression. Unsuprisingly, it doesn't work because alcohol is a depressive substance...

Quote:
God it hurts so much to have him look me in the eye and says he doesn't know who he is or if he has ever truly loved me.


It hurts like hell. He says that because he's depressed. His brain is screwed (I know I sound like a stuck record now, but it really helps to say that to yourself every time they come out with something like that).

I've found that a CBT approach (cognitive behavioural therapy) seems to work on mine. There's a great FREE online site I've been working through here: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome. He may not want to do it, but if you start working your way through it you can then start applying some of the approach to him, perhaps?

You are not alone. Please, please don't let it drive you crazy. Where are you? In the UK?

Take care,

Axx
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Old 12th May 2010, 12:59 PM   #14
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well what a turn up for the books - now I feel REALLY confused.
He came home yesterday afternoon at 2.15pm and asked if I could take him to his Relate appt. I did. He came back an hour and a half later, came upstairs to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said it was 'alright'. (A kiss on the cheek??????? er.....?!) Said that he talked about his upset and anger throughout his life. Talked about how he feels about things and that he feels ok about talking about it. (He has NEVER felt ok about talking about it). he said he wanted to just tell me how it all went. Said that it's my turn to go on my own next week, we are to have a week off and then both go together the week after that. He then proceeds to ask if I fancied a cuppa and said shall we both go and do the weekly shop? What the..?!
We did the weekly shop where he seemed to be a bit hyper and silly, which I really didn't quite know how to take so went along with it. Then of course the inevitable happened.
He gets a phone call from a friend about going to the pub tonight, he even asks me if he can go (?) and then goes out saying he'll be back for dinner if that's ok.....
Of course he didn't come back for dinner and as each hour passed I realise what an idiot I am for thinking he would be. At 1.30am i went to bed. 2am i hear a knock on my bedroom door and he comes in, asks if he can put the light on and sits on the bed next to me. Says he wishes he hadn't gone out as he wanted to be in the mood for a night out but for some reason 'wasn't feeling it', said he feels odd and is appreciative of me taking a back seat and keeping out of the way. I suggested that going to the drs wouldn't be an admission of failure but if there's a chance it might help then better to take that chance and find out.
He agreed.
I pinched myself. At least twice.
He says it probably isn't depression but maybe it won't hurt to go.
Me thinks there is more going on than I am aware of.
I went and reheated his dinner and left him to it. he held my hand and gave me another kiss on the cheek and said he was sorry.
Blimey.
Again, this morning he came in with a cup of tea and sat next to me. I mentioned st. johns wort and he said but we've talked about that before and it's quite expensive isn't it. (we've never talked about it before) He chuckles and says oh, no that was probably with an ex about 7-8 years ago. I ask him to explain and he proceeds to tell me that he's had these thoughts and discussions a long time ago with other people but nothing ever came of it. (It's all coming out of the woodwork now it seems). i mention the drs and he says yes, that he'll come with me to see my gp (same practice). says he's a bit concerned about the stomach pain he gets when he has a drink. As an ex personal trainer I know what he is talking about can only be his liver. He seems quite accepting about it all.
I think I am in some form of bewilderment. I'm going away to my parents for the weekend til Monday.
I am concerned though that I am pinning all my hopes on some form of treatment and therefore our marriage will then be ok. I know this is unrealistic. He has suggested going to the cinema this evening.

Am I in the twilight zone?
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Old 12th May 2010, 01:23 PM   #15
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Crikey.

Ooo, scary - my ex says the same things have got in the way with previous relationships, but he's always just ignored the problems until now. So, are we all just harvesting problems that have been sown long before we knew them?

Um - don't panic?!

Quote:
I am concerned though that I am pinning all my hopes on some form of treatment and therefore our marriage will then be ok. I know this is unrealistic.
I've had the same thoughts. I've got to be very wary of thinking that sorting out his depression will sort out the relationship. But you've taken a step in the right direction.
I'm cautiously optimistic for you - agreeing to see the doctors with you sounds like a massive step forward!

And I think you've done incredibly well for hanging on in there. To say he's had the same problems with previous relationships shows it's definitely him with the problem, you've nothing to do with it, and the fact that he's prepared to try and work it through with you when he's never tried before speaks volumes.

Have a great weekend, and I've got everything crossed for you!
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