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Old 1st March 2013, 12:26 PM   #1
MoonySmile
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Debt problem with new wife-Advice sought

Hello,

I'm lucky enough to be married to a great woman but our debt situation is putting a strain on our marriage. The problem is she has something like 30000 in Credit card debts so something like 90% of the household costs fall on me. We both work with our wages being on the ratio of 60:40 in favour of me. When we got married I took on virtually all of the wedding debts (although it wasn't a big do), about 90%. In a moment of madness I took out a 10000 loan so as to reduce her monthly payments to the credit card companies. I was content with this arrangement as she paid the monthly amount fully and on time. Then I found out she was still using a couple of the cards my loan had paid off (despite her cutting the cards up). We had an argument about something totally unrelated and I revealed I knew about the cards. She was defiant about this saying such things as "how do you think I could afford to buy things on Honeymoon". A little down the line she has thankfully started on a debt repayment plan, but despite her income now being something like 500 a month better then it was I have only been given an extra 120 a month to make ends meet. Of course I'm pretty much in the same financial position as was, work long hours for a London wage of 27000 a year. If I talk to her on this it's "I need to repair the car" and she actually gets a bit hostile. I feel this financial situation is making me very resentful due to it's unfairness. if I were a rich man it wouldn't worry me, but my backs against the wall, additionally one of us has to remain credit worthy if we need to get a new rental so a shared bank account is out of the question. We don't have any children. I can't even get some breathing space from a debt reconcilation loan due to taking on the 10000 loan above. very angry, very resentful and very sad. any advice would be wonderfully. Thanks for listening.
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Old 1st March 2013, 01:47 PM   #2
Raymond
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Re: Debt problem with new wife-Advice sought

You are obviously better with the money Moonysmile and I would say that you need to manage the money. She can't it seems. It's often like that. One can handle the money better than the other. If she can admit that then it won't be a problem. At the moment belts have to be tightened until this debt is paid off. If you can't work together and get an agreement on the management of the finances then I do see continuing problems.
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Old 1st March 2013, 04:21 PM   #3
Forever
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Re: Debt problem with new wife-Advice sought

Oh Boy...you are in for the ride of your life. This woman is out of control...and it would be a good idea to find out why...what does spending beyond what is comfortable for either of you fulfill in her? Of course, she is not likely going to explore that...simply because it may just be the thrill of the "find" or of the "deal" or of filling an emptiness, or of just plain materialism.

At any rate, there is only so much debt that can be had before you will end up filing for Bankruptcy. So this is what you do:

1) Make sure that the place that you are living is where you want to stay for the next 7 years...and that your vehicle is in someone else's name...perhaps one of your parents to ensure it does not get repossesed. You can "sell" it to them for only what is owed whilst you continue to make the payments. You NEED a car to continue working!

2) Close all credit accounts...call the companies and tell them/write them and say that any future debt is not authorized by you and that you are getting to the place where you will soon not be able to pay...this will frighten them and they will put a cap on the amount of spending available to your wife and to yourself...ask them to CLOSE the accounts!

3) Tell your wife that you are going to have to file for Bankruptcy soon...and that neither of you will be able to acquire credit for years into the future because of it...that you and she will have to live within your means thereafter.

4) Talk to a Bankruptcy Lawyer and get the facts...if you file, and she does not...all debt will fall on her shoulders to pay...they will go after her for it and vice versa if she filed w/o you. So this needs to be done jointly.

5) Don't argue or fight. This is non-negotiable...just do it with a smile.

This happened to me. My husband was well out of control...$270,000 worth of credit card debt and still going for more. We were paying $8,000 a month just on minimun payments. All this debt was acquired within the first two years of our marriage...even after I had already used all the money I had ($100,000 to pay off HIS debts prior to marriage). I had NO debt. I consulted an Attorney...and sweetly told my husband what I intended to do...no bluffing. I put my car into my son's name and gave all my expensive jewelry to my daughter for safe keeping. We did not own a house, so no problem there.

I went hunting for a nice but inexpensive rental house...someplace I REALLY liked and could afford on my own (in the event he divorced me over this) and rented it...sweetly told my husband he was welcome to come live there with me too...if I had not done that first, we/I would not have been able to qualify to rent anything but a dump because landlords do credit checks before renting...so I made sure I was where I wanted to be before filing. I packed and left...THEN filed for Bankruptcy...he immediately realized whilst I was busy packing that he had better file with me and did so...I do NOT bluff or threaten. Three and a half years later, we were debt free...and a year later, owned a house on over an acre paid for with CASH.

There are different kinds of Bankruptcy...I chose one that allowed us to keep our assets in favor of making payments over a three year period until discharged. It amounted to 10% of what we were paying for. My husband is now terrified of debt...throws any credit offers in the trash because he is afraid of losing our house...and he is afraid of me...what I might do should he go down that road again. We have two businesses and could not keep up on his spending at the time...he loves to "wheel and deal"...but was out of control.

You can get a "debit card"...use that instead of credit cards for things that require one such as hotel, flights, or emergency car repairs. Make sure it is ONLY in your name and that it is in your own private account so your wife has no access to those funds.

Last edited by Forever; 1st March 2013 at 04:50 PM.
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Old 1st March 2013, 05:39 PM   #4
Dave
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Re: Debt problem with new wife-Advice sought

I suggest you do two things

Firstly take a look at some of the articles on here - especially those on different attitudes to money - it's your different attitudes that underlie the relationship tensions.

Secondly find your local branch of CAP (Christians against poverty) - go together and talk to them and they will help you jointly manage your various debts.

Dave
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