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Old 4th June 2013, 09:59 PM   #1
Chirs
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
Sexless marriage for almost 4 years

Hello Everyone, this is my first post on here.

When I first met my wife she was new to everything and had no experience in dating or sex. She honestly didn't even know half the things she should have been taught in school about sex. She was raised in a divorced family where she saw her Dad at least 3 times a week and then lived with her mom full time. She went to a small christian school (Who I am blaming for her not knowing at least the basics of sex)

Anyways we dated for 2 years and then got married, come to find out on the wedding night she is completely petrified of sex, needless to say the night didn't go well. After the honey moon we went to see a gynecologist and the Dr. couldn't even exam in my wife cause she wouldn't even hold still on the table and was afraid the Dr. was going to hurt her. We went to several people and did tons of research come to find out she suffers from vaginismus, or so she says. She also had a surgery performed to remove her Hymen.

So we've been married almost 4 years coming up this September and we still have yet to consummate this marriage.

We tried using the diolater's with no luck, we have tried numbing gels with no luck etc.

She has been seeing a physical therapist for almost a year now off and on, the therapist says she is making progress but at the same time I honestly have only seen minor progress, I still cant even use a finger to penetrate.

Let me just say I am not one of those husbands who just sits around waiting for the wife to do all the work in the bed! for the last 4 years the only thing I have been able to do on my wife is go down on her. I am constantly asking her if she wants to try again, or if we can at least fool around and half the time she doesn't want too..

Too top everything off for the last 2 months she has had Vertigo and now she cant even go out and do things with me, but either way she never wants to go out and do stuff anyways.

Any and all advice would be amazing!
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Old 9th June 2013, 09:47 AM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Sexless marriage for almost 4 years

Hi Chirs. I don't have the answers here. What I do feel is that you shouldn't give up. It would be easy for her to live in a sexless marriage but you cannot accept that as it would not be God's best for you.

I am wondering if there is a spiritual problem involved. Maybe something from her childhood that would have brought these things on? She obviously has fear there from somewhere. I don't feel you can just look at the physical without looking into the spiritual as well.

For the present encourage her in what she does do and hopefully like. She obviously needs an awakening but this cannot be forced. I would encourage the spiritual side of you lives as God is well able to work in these situations if He is invited in.
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Old 18th June 2013, 02:07 AM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Sexless marriage for almost 4 years

I suspect that this is entirely emotional. Its hard to say were this fear came from, but its not good for the marriage to carry on like this, I expect she is also against having kids, (which involves far far more stretching on the vagina than sex after all. Also you need to have sex to have kids.
What exactly does a physical therapist do?
Is she prepared to do other sexual things with you so that you can at least get physical release?
I do think she should have told you about this before marriage so that you could have decided whether to marry her or not. It was not right that she withheld this from you.
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Old 25th June 2013, 07:18 PM   #4
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Sexless marriage for almost 4 years

Thought this might help although some of it may not be personally relevant to your marriage.

"I’m so glad you wrote in, as these problems get worse if we don’t share them, but can most definitely be resolved with the right help. What you are dealing with is one of the most common female psychosexual dysfunctions: a disorder called ‘vaginismus’. It is caused by an involuntary spasm of the musculature of the outer third of the vagina. Unfortunately, it is more common among people with a strong faith background, so is something we should know about in the Christian world.

“Going to court to get your marriage annulled” is terrible advice. You can overcome this problem and have a happy sex life, with every chance of conceiving children in the future.

The starting point for this vaginismus is that you “felt too small” and that you were “scared” about him “fitting” inside you. These anxieties have caused your otherwise perfectly stretchable vaginal tissue to seize up in a tight spasm. The truth is that once you can learn to relax this muscle spasm, your vaginal entrance can stretch large enough for a baby’s head to get through!

I recommend you start by learning to insert the tip of your own finger, holding it inside your vaginal entrance until any anxiety dies down. You can combine this with ‘Kegel exercises’ where you pull up your PC muscles like a lift going from the ground floor up and then releasing it back down again. If you are unsure what these muscles contracting feel like, they are the same ones as you would use if you are going to the toilet and stop the flow of urine. If you do this exercise with your finger inside your vaginal entrance, you will be able to feel your muscles tightening and loosening. The idea is that you get to the point where you can chose to loosen these muscles when you want to have intercourse with your husband. However big he is, once your muscles are loosened, he will fit in.

I suggest at this stage that you see a Psychosexual therapist. They can also check for any contributory physical factors that may be causing the vaginismus. Sometimes this is things like vaginitis, a rigid hymen, endometriosis or genital tract infections. A third of people presenting with vaginismus have some form of physical cause linked to the condition. These can then be treated.

Your Psychosexual therapist will help you use vaginal dilators effectively, which is the plastic tubes and lubricating cream your doctor is talking about. (See www.pharmacy2u.co.uk Amielle comfort vaginal trainers). These can most definitely work, if administered with care. While you use them it is best initially not to attempt intercourse with your husband. These dilators will help stretch your vaginal entrance and train your muscles to receive something coming inside you, without it hurting. Once you are comfortable with them, you can then progress to intercourse.

Love is ‘patient’ as Paul reminds us in that much-quoted 13th chapter in 1 Corinthians. In the meantime, can I encourage you both to get back into the fun you were having in bed and that feeling of not wanting to keep your hands off each other! You can do all this without worrying about penetration for now. God given sexual intimacy is about a lot more than penetration and procreation. It’s about an emotional and spiritual intertwining that is expressed in the physical. Enjoy the wonder of the love God has given you, give attention to the practical things I have outlined above and sex will become the pleasure that God intended for you."

About the author
Margaret Ellis
Maggie Ellis is director of Lifecentre Rape Crisis Service and a psychosexual therapist
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