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Old 19th November 2015, 11:35 PM   #1
Halfpint
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My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

My husband of ten years told me that he hasn't been happy in our marriage for about a year or so, and wants some time and space to decide what he wants to do, whether he feels enough for me to continue with our marriage.
He has been living at a work friend's home for 2 weeks now while I am still in the marital home, which was his home before we met 12 years ago. We met through online dating and I moved to his home when we married ten years ago, leaving 4 adult children ,and grandchildren, and friends to be with him.
I think I am coping quite well at the moment as we are trying to keep communicating and he is still popping in to the house to collect the odd thing and to pick up any post. During the day I am fine as I am kept busy at work, but nights can be horrible as I have to sleep on my own in our huge king size bed. I find myself crying myself to sleep a lot.
What I am finding really hard to deal with is that he is still so affectionate and is happy to give me a hug and a kiss goodbye when we have met. Surely he must still feel something for me if he will behave like this? I know that I have to give him some space and time to think things through, and we have agreed to re-evaluate our situation after 3 months. But what is the hardest thing to deal with is that in the end I will probably have no say in the fate of our relationship and it will be his decision whether we have a future together or not.
I am trying to keep positive and look on the bright side as I know how much he has loved me, and I am sure deep down he still does, even if he is not sure about it himself.
This is my second marriage. My first husband left me for one of my friends after 17 years, and had been unfaithful for years without my knowing, with several other women.
I am desperate not to have another marriage fail and to be left on my own again.
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Old 20th November 2015, 10:15 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

I am so sorry to hear this, what a shock for you. Is this his first marriage?

The fact that he says he hasn't been happy for a year, makes me wonder what happened a year ago. MY thought when I read this was that there may be another woman on the scene, if a person meets another person, they suddenly think they no longer love their spouses because their lust and excitement for the new person makes them think that. Is that a possibility? Do you know who he is staying with, and are you sure he is staying there?
Would he consider marriage counselling?
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Old 20th November 2015, 02:20 PM   #3
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

This is his first marriage although he had a relationship in his early twenties and has a son. That ended very badly when his partner left him and moved away with the little boy to be with someone else. He is now in contact with his son and sees him and his children every so often.

I know that there is no one else. He has denied that there is anyone else and I know he wouldn't lie to me. He is very close to his siblings and has told them that there is no one else and he definitely wouldn't lie to them.
He wouldn't have time for any one else, if he isn't at work - and I know some of his colleagues and they would know if he wasn't there - we have really been living in each others pockets. Maybe that is the problem?
He has said several times to me that ten years is the longest he has been in a relationship, as if he has this time limit in his head, or he can't look into the future and imagine being with one person for that length of time.
We have been to one session of counselling together and we are both having separate sessions ourselves. He doesn't want to go to any more couples sessions until he has decided what he wants to do. Obviously, if he decides we are worth a second chance then we will carry on with counselling together.
I just can't believe that he can think that he doesn't feel enough for me that he feels that he might want us to split up.
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Old 20th November 2015, 08:03 PM   #4
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Does he go on line to sites such as facebook? Does he spend time on the internet when you are in bed or other times?Is he open with his phone and computer?Has he changed recently? Spent more time on his appearance or been trying to get fit?
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Old 20th November 2015, 08:03 PM   #5
ralfgarnett
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

God bless you, I am so sorry to read your story and I hope things work out for you,
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Old 20th November 2015, 09:39 PM   #6
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

He doesn't use Facebook and is always open about what he is doing and where he is going. He is on the computer a lot at the weekends but he knows I have access to his email accounts and wouldn't try to hide anything from me. I really don't think he has another woman as he has always been very honest with me and would tell me if there was anyone else. He knows my history and told me he wouldn't treat me badly like my first husband did, and I believe him.

I can't understand what he is thinking. I suppose I will just have to ride this out and hope for the best. It is so hard at the moment as I haven't lived on my own at all since I left home at 17 and at the moment there is just me and the cat.
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Old 20th November 2015, 10:32 PM   #7
Lindentree1
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Halfpint View Post
He doesn't use Facebook and is always open about what he is doing and where he is going. He is on the computer a lot at the weekends but he knows I have access to his email accounts and wouldn't try to hide anything from me. I really don't think he has another woman as he has always been very honest with me and would tell me if there was anyone else. He knows my history and told me he wouldn't treat me badly like my first husband did, and I believe him.

I can't understand what he is thinking. I suppose I will just have to ride this out and hope for the best. It is so hard at the moment as I haven't lived on my own at all since I left home at 17 and at the moment there is just me and the cat.
I'm sorry you're going thru this. : (

If he won't go to therapy, I'm not sure what you can do. Perhaps you can read the book Divorce Busting. It should be on Amazon. It seems to have helped some people.

In the meantime, keep going to counseling, take care of yourself and keep posting here if you can.
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Old 20th November 2015, 10:56 PM   #8
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Thank you all for your support. It's good to know that there is somewhere I can go to talk about this. It really helps.
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Old 21st November 2015, 03:56 AM   #9
Lindentree1
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Perhaps you should give him enough space to miss you. If you are still meeting up, he could take this for granted. Maybe he needs to see how it feels when you aren't around. Show him a strong woman that can survive without him. A shift in you may spark his interest again. Google "The 180". Those are ideas that may help you. It's one idea, anyway.

ETA:Personally, I don't know if I agree with the 180 philosophy, but it is an option to look at. People usually mention the 180 when a spouse leaves, but I'm am not 100% convinced of the success rate. But I do agree with the idea of taking care of yourself--that's always a good idea.

Again, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I know what it 's like to have a husband leave.

Last edited by Lindentree1; 21st November 2015 at 05:37 AM.
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Old 21st November 2015, 11:54 AM   #10
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Did anything happen a year ago, and has he changed at all in the last year?
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Old 21st November 2015, 07:54 PM   #11
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

It's been rather a rough year for us both. His Mum hasn't been well for a long time, she's had pneumonia, two hip replacements, two cataracts done and has been depressed one and off. His sister has been suffering with depression for several years. We lost his Dad, who lived in Spain, earlier this year and there has been a lot of stress around the winding up of his estate. He hasn't been happy with his job - boredom mainly - and he took on a managers role a couple of months ago for the challenge and to make his work more interesting, which has proved quite stressful.
He has started to socialise with colleagues more since taking on the new job. He is going on a golfing trip to Lanzarote next weekend, and has been roady-ing for a colleague's friend's band for a few months. He has encouraged me to start doing more things on my own, so I have. I have joined a line dance club, go swimming and am starting Advanced French classes as soon as I find one to suit.
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Old 22nd November 2015, 12:09 AM   #12
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

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Originally Posted by Halfpint View Post
It's been rather a rough year for us both. His Mum hasn't been well for a long time, she's had pneumonia, two hip replacements, two cataracts done and has been depressed one and off. His sister has been suffering with depression for several years. We lost his Dad, who lived in Spain, earlier this year and there has been a lot of stress around the winding up of his estate. He hasn't been happy with his job - boredom mainly - and he took on a managers role a couple of months ago for the challenge and to make his work more interesting, which has proved quite stressful.
He has started to socialise with colleagues more since taking on the new job. He is going on a golfing trip to Lanzarote next weekend, and has been roady-ing for a colleague's friend's band for a few months. He has encouraged me to start doing more things on my own, so I have. I have joined a line dance club, go swimming and am starting Advanced French classes as soon as I find one to suit.
OK, You said that he didnt have any opportunity to meet another lady but you have just said that he socialises a lot more. How do you know that some of the colleagues arent female? How do you know who is going to Lanzarote?WHo goes out on these social evenings? How about the band, there are bound to be many occasions when there are single women at their concerts and opportunity to talk to them and get to know them.

If it isnt a female, and we dont know, maybe its because he is enjoying the sort of single life that he seems to be living now, and has encouraged you do to more because he feels guilty about leaving you so much. However too much socialising with others without your spouse, especially if some of them are single and/or the opposite sex, is never a good idea, and its led to him leaving.

I still think that there is a possibility that there may be someone else, he wont tell you, cheaters never do. We have had many people come here who denied their spouses were cheating, and their spouses denied it as well, only to find out later that they were. I hope I am wrong, but many affairs begin in the workplace.
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Old 27th November 2015, 12:08 AM   #13
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

Hi, I've not had a chance to get online for a few days so sorry for not responding.
I know that most people might think that my husband could be having an affair, but in spite of everything that is happening at the moment I trust him when he tells me that there is no one else.

He came round to the house this evening straight after he had finished work to collect some mail and pick up a couple of things he wants for his golfing holiday. He was his usual self with me and wanted to be reassured that everything was alright here and there were no problems with the
house, or the cat. He was also very concerned that I was coping on my own.
I was very proud of the way I conducted myself as I was calm and in control, and cheerful. As we said goodbye on the doorstep he kissed me twice and told me that he was missing me which makes me feel very positive as he obviously does still feel something for me.
It is still very early days. We have agreed to a 3 month breathing space and then see how he is feeling and whether he wants more time or if he wants to come home and try to reach a resolution of some kind.
I am keeping busy with hobbies and evenings out with girlfriends and trying to show him that I am a strong, independent woman who doesn't need him , even though inside I still love him to pieces and want him in my life. I know I can survive this, I just need to be strong and keep positive.
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Old 27th November 2015, 03:50 AM   #14
chosen
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

You are doing the right thing by not appearing needy. I am never sure that separating helps anyone, or any marriage, but if he does come back maybe you can suggest that you have some marriage counseling together because you dont want him to think he can do this again in the future. Personally I would be slightly cool when he comes and sees you, and I also wouldnt be letting him kiss me, but that just me.
If things dont work out, at least you can have the joy of living near your children and grandchildren again. In fact would this be a good time to go and stay with one of them for a few weeks?

The thing is that staying in a marriage isnt about feelings or how much we do or dont love someone, its about commitment, faithfulness, working on things, for better and for worse, and he doesnt seem to have any idea of what these things mean.

Are you sure where he is living and who with?Can you check? Do you know who goes on these many social evenings out? This golfing weekend?
Has he changed in the last year? Bought new clothes, gone to the gym, lost weight?

I know that you insist there is no one else, but you cant know for sure. Of course he will deny it, thats what they do. As you said yourself your first husband had cheated with several women and you knew nothing.
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Old 27th November 2015, 04:44 AM   #15
Lindentree1
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Re: My husband doesn't feel the same about me and needs some time to think

If I were you I would ask that he make a decision or agree to marriage counseling after the three months is over. You don't want him to keep saying he needs more time. You aren't a doormat, and if he has all the power in the relationship he will do whatever he wants. Sometimes when a man says he needs time he is out looking at other options. He may not be, but you just don't know. If he is separated he may feel he can do whatever. It's not easy to get back together the longer you're apart.

Again, I would consider being more firm after this three months is over. He can't just leave you in agony, hanging on. I've been there, and it's a nightmare.
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