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Old 3rd April 2013, 12:29 AM   #16
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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As I said to you earlier, the children need to be your first priority. They are the innocent victims. So I agree totally with what you say.

Marriages can be restored and improved, but only IF both spouses are prepared to do everything they can to work on it, admit their own faults and make that 100% committment to the marriage.
Yes I agree with these statments. In fact, that is how I started my thread, I need to pave the way for her to be convinced that she has a treasure at home (the girls and er... me) that she does not want to lose and she needs to make a real effort to re-establish a loving relationship with all of us. She should be aware, by now, of how she has burnt her fingers thinking that the grass was greener elsewhere, only to be hurt by the men who took advantage of her.

I am seriously trying to find out if and when in our marriage she believes that I made her feel unloved, unwanted, worthless and even replaceable to the point that she convinced herself that what she did to me was fair. However, that is exactly what the men she met have done to her.

Thanks for the feed-back so far.

Last edited by freddie; 3rd April 2013 at 07:08 AM.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 08:36 AM   #17
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

You are a good father Freddie and I know you will protect your girls from any abuse.

Statistics show that most sexual abuse comes from stepfathers. Not trying to frighten you and I know that there are many good stepfathers but it is good to be aware of.

Chosen many children suffer from rejection in their childhood. Some hit out and rebel but with others it turns inward. They hear a tape saying that they are no good etc. I doubt if I would have overcome without God's love and even that was not done in a day. I was never a criminal or anything like my brother but the damage was still there underneath. I don't think a child can grow up without love and nurture without some repercussions.

Your example of Joyce Myer is a good case example but even she had problems for years in her marriage and blamed her husband for her problems. It took her a long time before she realised that she was the problem. You might want to look her up Freddie for your wife as an example of overcoming.

Last edited by Raymond; 3rd April 2013 at 08:44 AM.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 04:34 PM   #18
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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You are a good father Freddie and I know you will protect your girls from any abuse.

Statistics show that most sexual abuse comes from stepfathers. Not trying to frighten you and I know that there are many good stepfathers but it is good to be aware of.

Chosen many children suffer from rejection in their childhood. Some hit out and rebel but with others it turns inward. They hear a tape saying that they are no good etc. I doubt if I would have overcome without God's love and even that was not done in a day. I was never a criminal or anything like my brother but the damage was still there underneath. I don't think a child can grow up without love and nurture without some repercussions.

Your example of Joyce Myer is a good case example but even she had problems for years in her marriage and blamed her husband for her problems. It took her a long time before she realised that she was the problem. You might want to look her up Freddie for your wife as an example of overcoming.
Yes I went to Joyce Myer's website, I think she wrote a book about her experience.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 06:01 PM   #19
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Yes I went to Joyce Myer's website, I think she wrote a book about her experience.
She is a brilliant teacher. We often listen to her.
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Old 5th April 2013, 01:22 PM   #20
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Hello,

I have to change the course of this thread and ask for new comments and advice. I have just received the divorce papers from my wife, through the court. I am not looking for legal advice, I am looking for comments on how you perceive my wife doing this and how to deal with her now.
I am afraid I have to give more background information, some of which I may be repeating from previous postings:

- In November 2011 my wife got involved with the OM. She told him she was divorced, living away from me and that she had the children with the liberty to take them to another man.
- On 1st January, this year, I made her confess to the affair. She told me that she was in love with him and that she would soon leave us all to go to him.
- During January I did nothing about the affair. She continued to see him and exposed the girls to her affair. I spoke to her about how she was hurting the children, she felt a bit guilty and she changed her mind about leaving them. Now she wanted to take the children to him too, but she had to wait until September to leave with the children after the divorce.
- At the beginning of February I told her I would not tolerate her affair any longer. I told her to leave and go to him. She did not and reduced the contact with him.
- During the rest of the month, I started intervening in the affair strongly. She became very angry and staged an attack by me, calling the police. She wanted them to arrest me and evict me from the house. They did not believe her and did nothing.
- In the middle of February she went to see a solicitor and got a court petition for me not to 'molest' her and to evict me from the house, immediately, on the same grounds of violence.
- During the first hearing the judge refused the petition and called for a full hearing on 12th April.
- During the second half of February I continued to intervene. The main thing I did was to tell the OM that she was really married and living with me and the children. A mutual friend told him we were still in a loving relationship while she was with him at the end of 2012. These actions made my wife extremely angry, she made a scene at home and she went to grovel to the OM. He seems to have forgiven her (or maybe not, maybe he wanted a bit more free sex before saying good-bye as retribution).
- At the end of February, my wife went to her solicitor to tell her to start the divorce proceeding. Her arguments are the same as on the petition to evict me from the house.
Previously, she had no rush in starting the divorce, but she rushed it for 2 reasons:
1- She had to convince the OM that she was really getting divorced.
2- She was furious by my intervention in the affair and she needed to get me out of the way ASAP, with both her court petitions.
- In March I continued my campaign to split them. They could not see each other during the whole month. They finally split towards the end of the month. Now my wife was/is furious with me because of this.
- My wife told me that, despite the fact that she does not have the OM any longer, she still wants the divorce. I said I would sign the papers.

Now, she carried out all of the above actions when she was deep in the fog of the affair. But now there is no OM, she has a new job that takes all her time and is in the middle of a holiday she is enjoying.
I sneaked a letter in her luggage asking her to stop that absurd court action to evict me from the house as it will only hurt all of us, especially the girls, regardless of who wins (I believe I will). I have not heard from her.
Our mutual friend insists that the wife is happy, in her holiday, and that she is talking sense in to my wife.

What can my wife's attitude be now that everything has changed? At the moment, all I have to do is acknowledge I got the divorce papers. My solicitor tells me that I can agree to the divorce but refute all the allegations, especially if they can prejudice the custody battle.

Shall I wait for my wife to come back and see in what disposition she is before I take action on the divorce?
If my wife loses the hearing on 12th April it will be a big blow for her as her arguments for the eviction are the same as for the divorce. She will hate me even more if she loses. If she wins, the girls are going to suffer.
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Old 5th April 2013, 03:56 PM   #21
Forever
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

You do not take good sound advice Freddie. You KNOW this woman is violent, unstable, immoral and a piss poor example to your daughters. But all you care about is keeping her regardless...rather than caring about what she is imprinting onto your daughters.

It has been over a year since you came here and you did not take the advice to get the girls and yourself out and away from your wife when she was at her worst...dangerous to them as well as to yourself. Are you addicted to drama or are you just whipped? Since when is it your job to tear your wife away from her lover? Isn't that suppose to be something SHE does by using her own moral compass and concern for her own family?

I HAVE refreshed my memory by reading your original postings. I am shocked to see that you are still with that woman and not taking proactive means to secure your children from her influence. Why are there so many wimps in your neck of the woods...men castrated by women and who cant see past the end of their penis?

So what is it going to take before you wake up from YOUR fog?

Why is your biggest concern about whether or not your wife hates you? I would think that to be a good thing that an immoral, violent, conniving woman would hate you...it shows the stark contrast in values.

You are NOT the guardian of your wife's morals or mental health. You ARE the guardian of your daughters though...so what will you be doing now to ensure that they grow up normally rather than watching their dad grovel to keep a sick and immoral woman at his side?

Grow a backbone and stop thinking about what YOU want, and instead, think about what those girls NEED from a father who is with a woman like that.

So she may be "bipolar" or something? What does that have to do with what YOU should be doing to protect them? You are lucky that your wife's attempts to sully you in Court have not come to bear as of yet. You are also lucky that the girls are still young enough that you can offer them a stable life with another woman who can stand in the gap and offer them an inkling of love and stability before they become like their mother.

Let the divorce move full speed ahead, and fight like a man to keep your girls. Your wife will have decades of mental and moral issues ahead of her to deal with...things that you cannot rescue her from.

Rescue your two daughters instead.

Last edited by Forever; 5th April 2013 at 04:11 PM.
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Old 5th April 2013, 04:40 PM   #22
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I totally agree. She is not only completely unfaithful, she is angry, decietful, a total liar, she calls the police and makes up stories to try and get you out of your OWN house, and many other things. The other man seems finally to have understood the sort of woman she is, (who lies to him as well). Get the divorce through as quickly as possible, and concentrate all your efforts and money on winning full custody of your daughters so that they can be protected from all the mess and mayhem she has caused, and will carry on causing. She is toxic and the less they see of her the better.

Keep detailed dated notes of all the things that she has done in the past and does in the future to give to your solicitor. Sadly if the children stay with her, they will almost certainly end up like her, and she will probably lie to them as well and poison their minds.

Last edited by chosen; 5th April 2013 at 06:03 PM.
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Old 5th April 2013, 04:57 PM   #23
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Forever,

As it happens, I did take positive advice, not 'go get her' advice. I was adviced to seek counselling, which we did. It worked, it stopped the fights but we made the grave error of stopping the counselling before we covered all the problems.

I have already said here and to her that I will go through with the divorce, that she will have to come to me to attempt the reconciliation but that I will consider it if she agrees to go to therapy.

I do not like your attitude. If somebody was sick in your family, you would probably discard them as useless to the cause rather than trying to help them.
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Old 5th April 2013, 05:20 PM   #24
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Sorry that you don't agree with my attitude. I can stay off of your thread if you say the word...and I never once advised you to "go get her"...on the contrary, I advised to get away from her, not to attack her in any way except to secure your daughters in Court.

You have set yourself up for a lifetime of grief and drama with this woman...simply because you have children together. If she gets on medication, you will watch her toss them at whim and revert back to violence.

She may be sick indeed...but your daughters are NOT. They are at the most impressionable times of their lives and WILL adopt behaviors set as an example from that woman simply by their close proximity to her.

Counseling takes AGES and you know that they milk you for money long before they help in any immediate need. My guess is that you did NOT tell them what she does to the girls and how she really acts at home...if you had, they would have had a legal duty to get those girls away from her. This is probably why you never got the true help that is necessary...because YOU protect your wife from facing consequences.

This woman has tried to get you arrested repeatedly as well as physically hit you repeatedly...who knows what she has done to the girls behind your back...you have oodles of evidence against her attempts to have you jailed. I think it is amazing that she can manage to hold down a full time job and get along with other people...but then act this way in your home and to her own family. This does not look like sickness to me but something far more insidious at work.

Your biggest concern should not be in reconciling with someone who has the gall and/or the sickness to land you in prison...especially since you have daughters to raise. Who is going to watch out for them then?

I would not disguard my spouse if he were truly mentally sick....and I would be gauging that by how he is able to be a perfect gentleman in public and on the job, while at the same time dishing out abuse and cheating on me in private. I would get my children away from him at all cost until he were stable if he were truly mentally ill, and take away any opportunity for him to throw me in jail. Your wife commits adultery in addition to all of the ugly violence, lies and hatred.... and you excuse this in the name of sickness? She abuses your daughters as well as yourself and you do not have the common sense to get away from her? Sickness does not mean immorality or abuse...it means cancer, diabetes, a terrible accident or something that does not result in lifelong damage to our children.

Useless to the cause? What is driving YOUR agenda? It is obviously not the well being of your daughters futures...it looks like you cant stand to be without a woman at your side...no matter how wickedly she is acting.

So the woman might get angry at you? You are used to her violence already...it is almost a given for her to flip from violence to nicey wifey. Get over that and DO YOUR JOB.

Last edited by Forever; 5th April 2013 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 5th April 2013, 05:56 PM   #25
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Forever,

As it happens, I did take positive advice, not 'go get her' advice. I was adviced to seek counselling, which we did. It worked, it stopped the fights but we made the grave error of stopping the counselling before we covered all the problems.

I have already said here and to her that I will go through with the divorce, that she will have to come to me to attempt the reconciliation but that I will consider it if she agrees to go to therapy.

I do not like your attitude. If somebody was sick in your family, you would probably discard them as useless to the cause rather than trying to help them.
We cant always blame terrible attitudes and awful behaviour on an illness. Sometimes its just that, selfishness and sin.
Your small children need to be protected from this mess, and only you can do that. At the moment you seem to be thinking far more of her and not them.
For many people, its only when others leave them to their mess that they can see what they are doing and accept the consequenses. The more that others enable them the longer it takes. She is ending the marriage. Therefore she will not be your responsibility much longer. You need to let her go and do all you can to protect your children, who you are still responsible for. I suspect that all this ange and violence and adultery has already had a terrible effect on them, and only you can change that now.

I have to agree with forever in that if she is able to áct normally at work and with other people, then she can do the same with her family.A person who is ill, is ill everywhere and not just at home.
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Old 5th April 2013, 06:00 PM   #26
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Freddie I kind of agree with you in some ways. If she wants a divorce I agree that you should let her have it. In that instance you should do all you can to keep the girls which means refuting all these violence accusations etc.

If she actually repents of her adultery and affair by some long shot and wants to come home it is up to you if you want to forgive her. Laying down the condition of her getting therapy is a good idea. I would also add no more affairs ever or that is the end of the marriage.

The above is a bit of a long shot but you know her better than we do and how much her instability is involved in all this.

At the present you can only agree with giving her a divorce but fight tooth and nail about the other accusations that will be in danger of painting you as an unfit father.
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Old 5th April 2013, 06:02 PM   #27
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Freddie I kind of agree with you in some ways. If she wants a divorce I agree that you should let her have it. In that instance you should do all you can to keep the girls which means refuting all these violence accusations etc.

If she actually repents of her adultery and affair by some long shot and wants to come home it is up to you if you want to forgive her. Laying down the condition of her getting therapy is a good idea. I would also add no more affairs ever or that is the end of the marriage.

The above is a bit of a long shot but you know her better than we do and how much her instability is involved in all this.

At the present you can only agree with giving her a divorce but fight tooth and nail about the other accusations that will be in danger of painting you as an unfit father.
Yes and goodness knows what will happen to those girls then.
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Old 5th April 2013, 06:35 PM   #28
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I have to agree with forever in that if she is able to áct normally at work and with other people, then she can do the same with her family.A person who is ill, is ill everywhere and not just at home.
I suppose you have not heard of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome, an actual condition. Like I said before, I am no expert; she needs to be seen by an expert, only one fo them can tell exactly what is wrong with her. The divorce procedure will last several months. She has plenty of time to repent, rethink, reconsider and go to therapy.

She has got into trouble in previous jobs for irresponsible behaviour but not for hysteria or agression. She is risking the present job with the pressure she is putting herself under, especially if she ends up on her own, with or without the girls after a divorce. She was dumped by a couple friends and the OM for her pathological lying. She was dumped by a mutual friend for using her to have dates with the OM behind my back.

The more you try to rubbish her with a list of her reckless actions the more convinced I am that there is something seriously wrong with her but I do not know if she will let me help her while she is still my wife, when I feel I have responsibility to do so.

Last edited by freddie; 5th April 2013 at 06:55 PM.
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Old 5th April 2013, 07:10 PM   #29
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

No one here rubbished her...she did that to herself and I am certain that we here do not know the half of it.

No one here says that you should not try to help her get treatment if this is even possible either. "They" will medicate the life right out of her...she will feel "weird" and abandon her meds and revert back to old ways over and over...you will watch her change before your very eyes. I watch this happen all the time...it is a merry-go-round of torture for the families involved...and the children act out very much in the same way even though they do not have the "disease".

If she is truly bipolar or worse, you need to set up a separate household from her so the girls are not exposed any more than what is necessary...whether divorced or not. Then YOU will not be at risk for having the girls taken away from you once the WHOLE truth comes out in order to get her treatment...as it stands now, child protective services would remove them from the home simply because she is in it and there is no protection in place for your daughters. You can deal with her apart from your daughters if that is what you feel that you want to do...that is exactly what I would do if I were faced with this.

Medications will cause worse problems down the road eventually...they have side effects that cause damage to the heart and other organs. Bipolar sufferers often end up dying early from the side effects of medication alone, or committing suicide. I know two personally who have both committed suicide and would have taken anyone else with them had they not been by themselves at the time they took themselves out. One got a shot gun and went into the bathroom after a tirade over not being able to use the car because it would not start... and shot herself to death...the other, a cousin of mine, doused himself and his mobile home with gasoline and burned to death...after having harsh words with his wife over his attempting to rob a bank. The one who shot herself...her 29 year old son lives with my son and can barely function. He has no disease...but he was brought up with a mother who was so outrageous that he never learned to think for himself or function properly.

What we did and do say here is to get the girls away from her whilst they are young enough to find out what "normal" "loving" "kind" "sacrifical" and "faithful" looks like in a family.

If you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with your wife's swings, medications, adultery, screaming and hitting, and calls to the police against you...fine. You are a grown man. But why did you subject your girls to over another year of this since the first time you posted? What do you think is going on in their heads and hearts each time another "episode" takes place?

You are an adult, your daughters are not. Neither are they able to "see" past the verbal and physical abuse...they internalize everything and think themselves at fault. They will struggle with this for the rest of their life if you don't remove them from their mother or minimize their contact with her for when you KNOW she is stable...which will swing as often as she wishes.

The other issue here that you have not even considered is yourself. Dealing with this is likely having the effect of minimizing outrageous behavior until even YOU cannot discern where to draw the lines. You become sick too....slowly but surely.

Last edited by Forever; 5th April 2013 at 08:22 PM.
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Old 5th April 2013, 08:32 PM   #30
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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I suppose you have not heard of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome, an actual condition. Like I said before, I am no expert; she needs to be seen by an expert, only one fo them can tell exactly what is wrong with her. The divorce procedure will last several months. She has plenty of time to repent, rethink, reconsider and go to therapy.

She has got into trouble in previous jobs for irresponsible behaviour but not for hysteria or agression. She is risking the present job with the pressure she is putting herself under, especially if she ends up on her own, with or without the girls after a divorce. She was dumped by a couple friends and the OM for her pathological lying. She was dumped by a mutual friend for using her to have dates with the OM behind my back.

The more you try to rubbish her with a list of her reckless actions the more convinced I am that there is something seriously wrong with her but I do not know if she will let me help her while she is still my wife, when I feel I have responsibility to do so.
Some people just bahave badly for no reason. If she refuses to get properely looked at or helped, then I cant see she feels that bad. If I was so ill that I was being violent angry and putting my life on a self destruct mode, I would be the first to get help.

My concerns are for the children who are the innocent victims and who are having to live in this very abusive and damaging atmosphere. Carry on trying to help if you want until the divorce is over, but those children need protecting.
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