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Old 25th July 2011, 10:12 AM   #1
sudha
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Question I'm totally upset of his behaviour

hi,

I got married(arranged) on last month. I am 23 and he is 27. I come to the point directly. I really get upset and fed up when my small small expectation is not understood by him, at times if I tell me him directly that I am expecting this and that he immediately answer to my question with "NO". Even I don't ask/expect anything which could not be done.

I really felt that he is not serious about my feelings. when Im sad or hurted he don't mind me. He just watch TV, will be doing his own works. My heart really expect for console, that he should ask me the reason or should talk to other. But he will never spoke to me..he often use to get angry and give me hatred answers which make me off, even if I did something he use to find faults and shout at me, he don't appreciate/talk sweet words with me if I did anything for him. He just say "OK".

Being newly married I expected a lot that he should take care, concern, be affectionate, lovable to me, to should fulfill my small expectations which I expect and even surprising thing which I didnt expect too..but all went in vein..I'm really mood out..please tell me why he is behaving like this. why he doesn't understand my feelings if it is good/bad. do he really interested in this relationship. what I should do to make my life more interesting.
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Old 25th July 2011, 02:57 PM   #2
Forever
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,408
Re: I'm totally upset of his behaviour

Dear Sudah,

It is very difficult for me to put myself into your situation because I cannot imagine what it would be like to be in an arranged marriage where I had little or no choice for deciding if a man would be a loving husband or a selfish insensitive jerk. But even if I found myself in that situation because of my own mistake, this is what I would do, and what I have done...

Drop ALL expectations....even the tiny ones, they only set you up for disappointment and distress. Do not give yourself any room for thinking things will be any different than they are now. Why? Because you will eventually become a bitter woman full of hatred and anger towards your husband and that will cause you nothing but trouble...both from him as well as from family. Instead, always act loving and attentive, NEVER complain. An arranged marriage may mean that the parents are expecting you to perform in a manner that does not shame them and your feelings are usually not of primary concern. Even if you did agree to this arrangement, but had no idea of the kind of man you ended up with, then my advice would not be any different.

You are both very young. If you show an example of what love should look like, over the years he may come to realize what a jerk he is. If not, then you will have developed good character for your own peace of mind, and the family will be supportive of you should things get worse or not work out. Do everything for him as you would do to please a good husband, maybe he will actually become one someday. At times, you will have to become a good actress so you can maintain your dignity in his eyes. This is very difficult to do, but if you are interested, I can give you some tools that you can use to accomplish it.

This has worked for me personally. I married a man worse than yours because of my own shortsightedness, only he was much much older and very set in his selfish outrageous ways. Over the years he changed, because I was very careful to watch my own attitude and behavior and not responding to him in a demeaning or demanding way. At times, I felt like a slave and was very indignant, but also careful not to show it. If he asked what I thought or how I felt or what I wanted, I would tell him truthfully, but with respect and without whining or emotional outbursts. He totally changed over five years time.

If I understand your situation correctly, you are trapped by laws and customs. So this is my advice for making the best of it and to make the best of yourself. I cannot tell you why he is the way he is except it may have to do with his own culture and expectations. But I can tell you that your love and kindness has a better chance to change this marriage into something wonderful if you can make adjustments and put your hope in God.

Last edited by Forever; 25th July 2011 at 07:59 PM.
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