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Old 22nd February 2014, 05:08 PM   #1
valerie54
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Unhappy My Husband just beat me up.

Hello, I'm new to this forum so please bare with me.

I've been married for a very long time, and you could say a married a so called "Bad Boy", my husband has a temper and lashes out, but he's always been very kind to me, up until about five years ago.

We started arguing all the time, and he would put me down and make me feel horrible. But there was never any violence, just a lot of arguing. Then yesterday me and my Husband were having an argument on our driveway and it turned quite vicious and nasty. I took off my wedding and engagement rings and threw them on the floor outside, then marched back into the house, he picked them up and followed me in. I took out a bag and started hurling clothes into it, I'd had enough and didn't want to be in the house anymore, I planned to stay with my sister for a couple of days and then return, but my Husband completely exploded. He grabbed onto the bag and tipped all of the clothes onto the floor, then roared in my face "YOU'RE STAYING HERE!". I got angry at this and we continued arguing about what we were arguing about outside which is quite personal. He started to put me down and I slapped him, hard, around the face, knowing full well that he can't take being slapped because his dad used to slap him around the face when he was a boy.

I immediately realised I'd took a step to far, but before I could apologise he was throwing punches to me, he punched me in the face and then threw me on the floor, then he mounted me and punched me all over the face and gut, it went on for about two minutes and I'm covered in bruises. Then he left the room, went into the spare bedroom, and locked himself inside, he hasn't come out apart from going to the shop and it's been 24 hours now. I couldn't believe what had happened, I went to the bathroom and nursed the wounds, then knocked on the spare bedroom and pleaded for him to come out and talk, I was crying. He literally just said "**** off". He's still in the room, the TV in the room was playing all night and still is. He came out the room early in the morning and went out to the Off License, he came back with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a 10 pack of Stella, aswell as some Cigarettes (He gave up smoking 8 years ago). When I tried to talk to him he didn't respond, he didn't even look me in the eye. He locked himself in the room again and hasn't come out since.

I'm worried and I don't know what to do. I would've gone for a walk but I'm bruised on the face. I slapped him once before, ages ago, and he told me that if I ever slapped him again he's beat me up, looks like he doesn't break his word. I can't help feeling it's all my fault, but should I feel this way? I'm quite confused and sad, I've been crying all day and night on and off.

Valerie.
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Old 23rd February 2014, 07:30 AM   #2
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hi Valerie
So what happened 5 years ago that started this all off?
If the two of you cant live together without emotional abuse and being violent towards each other, then maybe you need to separate so that you can both get long term marriage counselling and anger management support. I think its sensible for you to go and stay with someone for a time so that you can cool off.
What he did was bad(and I think he knows it), but you are also to blame because you use violence as well, and you did start it by in your words 'hitting him hard across the face' when you KNEW he hated it because he was abused a child in that way.
Whatever it was that you were arguing about needs to be sorted out calmly and preferably with another person present to mediate.
It was clearly something that was very troubling to him.

Getting drunk and smoking is only going to make things worse of course, and he needs to man up and come out and face this.

I would write him a letter, explaining that you are temporarily leaving so that you can both cool off, and that you want the both of you to get help before you return. Put it under the door and go.

Last edited by chosen; 23rd February 2014 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 23rd February 2014, 10:06 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

I get the feeling he will regret himself what he has done. You say it is the first time it has happened. Whatever you were arguing about obviously strikes a deep chord. Something is really wrong somewhere. Going back to smoking and doing drinking are bad signs. A case for deep marriage counseling I think.

What he did was very wrong but it does show you to never slap him. A past injury there somewhere. I agree with Chosen. You need to go away for a while. I feel it is imperative you do this even just to show you are not his prisoner. You must break that attitude and show that you are free and that you have freewill. You can come back maybe when he is sorry.

Last edited by Raymond; 23rd February 2014 at 10:22 AM.
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Old 23rd February 2014, 02:01 PM   #4
valerie54
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hello again

I pretty much did what the both of you told me to do. I packed the bag again yesterday evening, but quietly, I was kind of scared that if he heard me he'd come out the room and it'd be a repeat of what happened the night before. I haven't been able to get more then a couple of words out of him for the entire day, he hasn't made eye contact with me and spends the vast majority of his time locked in the Spare bedroom.

I wrote a note explaining what I'd done and slipped it under the door of the spare bedroom, I don't think he saw it but he will, then I got into my car and drove to my Sisters house the other side of town, where I am now, I told him on the note that I really hope this is not goodbye and apologised for slapping him. I still love him deep down and I think he still loves me, but I can't be one hundred percent sure, I think I'll try to go back to the house in a week or so to talk to him, I said on the letter that I didn't want to be followed but I don't think I would mind if I was. I begged him to stop drinking and smoking and go to work, my sister thinks I should just divorce him but I don't agree. This is my fault really.

Valerie.

Last edited by valerie54; 23rd February 2014 at 02:07 PM.
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Old 23rd February 2014, 02:51 PM   #5
Raymond
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

I think you are handling it great Valerie. I'm so glad you were able to leave the house. I think you should see it out personally and not go back until you see some sign of apology just to keep your boundaries. You don't have to put up with this. You have made your apology in your letter so he needs to clear the way from his side to make things right.

I appreciate that you still love him and the idea is to try to make things better not to separate you permanently, so you need to see it through I think.

He will probably blame you for slapping him as he had warned you about that. He on the other hand did not give you a chance to say sorry but just saw red so his temper is a problem. I am hoping he sees the light while he is on his own but let it have the time it needs. That will take some courage from you.

You did well to tell him to stop drinking and smoking. He will know you still care through that but you cannot go straight back after this awful incident of being beaten up.

Last edited by Raymond; 23rd February 2014 at 02:58 PM.
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Old 23rd February 2014, 11:53 PM   #6
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by valerie54 View Post
Hello again

I pretty much did what the both of you told me to do. I packed the bag again yesterday evening, but quietly, I was kind of scared that if he heard me he'd come out the room and it'd be a repeat of what happened the night before. I haven't been able to get more then a couple of words out of him for the entire day, he hasn't made eye contact with me and spends the vast majority of his time locked in the Spare bedroom.

I wrote a note explaining what I'd done and slipped it under the door of the spare bedroom, I don't think he saw it but he will, then I got into my car and drove to my Sisters house the other side of town, where I am now, I told him on the note that I really hope this is not goodbye and apologised for slapping him. I still love him deep down and I think he still loves me, but I can't be one hundred percent sure, I think I'll try to go back to the house in a week or so to talk to him, I said on the letter that I didn't want to be followed but I don't think I would mind if I was. I begged him to stop drinking and smoking and go to work, my sister thinks I should just divorce him but I don't agree. This is my fault really.

Valerie.
I agree with Raymond in that I don't think you should just go back so soon. I think that first you need to wait and hear from him and see what he says. If he is repentant and sorry then maybe you can meet him in public somewhere to start with. Then arrange for some marriage counselling and maybe some anger management support before you think of going home.

If he isn't sorry, then you may need to wait and see what happens if you can stay there for a while. If he carries on drinking and staying home from work, then that more reason not to go back yet.

You have done the right thing. Its best that you both cool down and have time to think and reflect and try and understand what has been going wrong. OK you shouldn't have hit him, but what he did was very worrying and its probably shocked the both of you a lot. I think you will need to make it clear that it can never happen again.

You haven't mentioned children, do you have any or have they left home?

Did anything happen 5 years ago that may have started all this off?
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Old 28th February 2014, 01:03 AM   #7
valerie54
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hello Chosen. We have two sons who have both grown up. Around five years ago they left home at around the same time and it was just me and my Husband in the house again for the first time in ages. I think that's what triggered the arguments, we were seeing much more of eachother without anyone else there and we were talking much more then often led to disagreements which lead to arguments. The boys don't know about this. Also five years ago, around about, he had a falling out with my dad and hasn't spoken properly to him since. The two ignore eachother whenever they're forced to be together.

On topic: My Husband came around to my Sisters house yesterday and had a load of abuse immediately hurled at him by my Sister and you could tell he was trying hard not to argue back to her. When she finally stopped he came and talked to me, we sat down and he apologised for beating me up. He told me that the reason he was blanking me the day after it happened was because he was finding it hard to face up to what he had just done, he said he caught a glimpse of my face that was bruised and immediately went up to the room and broke down in tears. He said he didn't want my pity because the whole thing was his fault, I disagreed and told him that we were both to blame but he wouldn't have none of it. He said he already missed me and realised that he'd messed everything up, I assured him that not everything had been messed up and that there was still some hope. He asked me if I'd move back in with him, but I denied and told him I wasn't ready yet. He offered to take me to a restaurant on Saturday and I agreed.

He truly looks like a broken man and I'm starting to worry about him, I wish I could of moved back in with him but I don't think it's going to take a week to get over this. He tried to get me to have our house and for him to live elsewhere, but I denied. I think there's hope but I think this is going to be a slow burning process, we're not going to go back to the way we were overnight. Thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it.
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Old 28th February 2014, 02:05 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

I think you have seen the repentance we were looking for Valerie. When you move in is up to you but from my point of view he has shown he is sorry.

He still has a problem though. I really think he ought to try and make it up with your Dad. At least do his bit and leave it up to your Dad. It will be a good exercise for him to learn not to hold grudges and in learning to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't always heal relationships but it does release you from you bitterness and makes you free.

I know what you mean about the kids leaving home. I am in the same boat. It shows one that the relationship should be maintained while you have kids as one day it will be just you two. Yes we have arguments too that we wouldn't have had when the children were here but we are also learning forgiveness and how not to be keyed up with the things that don't really matter at the end of the day. Adjustment is endless in life and also when the children leave home. It's all part of growth.
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Old 1st March 2014, 02:02 AM   #9
jen_deleu
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

There's no excuse at all for beating up your love one. Leave him immediately. He will say that he won't do it again, but it's only a matter of time, before he'll do it again, certainly when he's drunk.
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Old 1st March 2014, 07:57 AM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Hi Valerie...

Marriage and love is built on a foundation of mutual respect. There can never be a time when you cross the line to put your hands on him or for him to hit, push or hurt you. Let's be honest, you provoked him when you knew that he was drinking and tempers flared. When you slapped him you expected him to react. Some women do that to get man to show strength. You just didn't expect it to go as far as it did.

It sounds as if he feels very ashamed of himself. Maybe in his pursuit of you to your sisters' you feel more loved and cared about then you have in a long time? All that drama is a lot of high emotion and it can resemble the passion that one feels at the beginning of a relationship. You have been married a long time and emphasis has been on the kids, but now they are grown, you have lost touch with each other. The only time you connect with passion is in a conflict.

Whenever a woman resorts to hitting a man she begs for trouble, because she will surely get hurt...especially with licquor in the mix. If you want to get through this and salvage this marriage, you owe him a deep apology. You were so wrong to slap him especially as it triggers old pain he knew as a child. He lost his cool and he should not have done that, but I don't think he is a bad guy. I think he was pushed where it should not have gone. Leaving the house, if he was a wife beater by history, is a good idea..but staying away in this case, seems more like shunning, than you for the two of you to work out the problems that brought you so close to the edge.

I bet if you sat down and wrote a list there are many good things you could say about him. When did you last feel really close to him? If you want to save your marriage to live together as two who can live without fighting is a good goal. A better goal would be able to see in him what you loved and had desire for from the beginning. That goal might take some effort on your part to approve of him for good, kind things he does for you and encourage him in ways that will make him try harder to be a good man for you. You have to say often kind things and do things for him that please a man so he wants to be special for you.

It is never to late to renew your relationship if want to make the future happy and fulfilled. I would worry about this guy locking himself in a room that depressed and feeling hopeless. I wonder if he may have some underlying depression issues where the drinking is a way to work with that. When is the last time he had a physical? Is he on any special mood altering Meds? Too many times that drama you describe turns into something terrible and violent for both. You seriously need to use care and maybe it would be time to get some counseling so this scene will never happen again. You are married a long time and it doesn't sound to me as if either of you wants to start over..you just need to work on your relationship together.

Treasure what you have and make it work for you both.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 2nd March 2014 at 06:25 AM.
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Old 2nd March 2014, 05:46 AM   #11
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

I think you have something worth working on here. I think that you have both acted badly, but that this can have a good result in that many of the issues can be looked at and worked on together.
Its good that he has taken responsibility despite you starting it, and I want to suggest that you both stop drinking, as this can cause so many problems.
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Old 2nd March 2014, 10:17 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

It's the getting drunk and the dependency that is the problem. One can drink in moderation.
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Old 2nd March 2014, 02:18 PM   #13
ronnoco
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

1aokgal, that was a really good post....

I think when you slapt him round the face, it was clearly an instant trigger. After all, this is what his dad use to do to him. He probably had this done to him countless times and could never fight back. More may have happened that you don't know about. Every time he was hit by his father he was probably filled with a mix or terror, rage and shock to name a few things. I suspect when you hit him it was like showing a red rag to a ball.

The problem is, he didn't just hit you once. He made a conscience effort to beat you up. I think drink played a huge role in this. I knew a man who did this once after drinking whisky and he didn't drink again for 10 years, and he vowed to never drink whisky again in his lifetime. Coincidently, this man use to be regularly beaten my his father as a child.

It's a tough one. I think how you are handling the situation is suburb. Don't rush back though. You do seem very forgiving. I'm not saying this is a bad thing but he needs to understand the magnitude of the situation. You can't just brush this under the carpet.

I think if I were you, I would insist he has some therapy. If I were him, I would have already told you that I will never drink again as I would be so ashamed of what I had done and would want to ensure I did all I could to alleviate the chance of this happening again. Having said that, I'm just a social drinker so this would be easy for me. I know this is not the case for many.

Good luck.
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Old 2nd March 2014, 07:23 PM   #14
chosen
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
It's the getting drunk and the dependency that is the problem. One can drink in moderation.

Many people cant drink in moderation that's the problem.
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Old 3rd March 2014, 10:06 AM   #15
Raymond
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Re: My Husband just beat me up.

Of course.
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