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Old 12th June 2008, 03:39 PM   #1
MissonWorker
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Unhealthy Marriage

I have looked at where my life is and I am very unhappy and depressed. I feel like I am so stuck in an unhealthy marriage and I don’t see how I can make it better. I started to make a list yesterday of what is wrong and this just made me choke. I feel like hubby is very controlling, a poor listener, doesn’t care about what I think or feel, not outgoing with my friends or family, always rushes me and makes decisions without me. When hubby gets mad at me he swares like a trucker. He has grabbed a hard hold on me and shoved me on the couch a couple of times. I told him that we are not doing well financially here and that I feel stuck because I can’t go anywhere. He told me that he is not moving and never plans to. I find that he is very much still attached to his mother. He calls her and tells her to come over and makes her feel bad if she is not able to come right away or says things like “what do you mean you don’t want to spend time with your grandkids? Control. Control. Control.
The other day I told him that I wasn’t feeling well and that I had no money and needed some Advil. He would not get it for me only later he says he is not feeling well and his sister brings him a baggy full of them. He knows that his mom and sister will ALWAYS bail him out! He doesn't have to cling to his wife he still holds on to his mother. He won’t let me have access to his bank information. He doesn’t allow me to know how much money he has and doesn’t care that I am in debt because I have to pay out my little family allowance each month for a good grocery order and pay the tab across the street at the Irving and pay on my maxed out Master Card which leaves me with no money for another month. Truth be told he lives in the red most of the time and has maxed out his credit card as well. And he wants to build a house and put us in more stress and debt?
The other week I told him that we needed to take Our baby girl to the afterhours clinic because I believed she had an ear infection because I was up were her all night. He flat out refused to go. I kept at him and he still wouldn’t go. After a while I finally had to call his mother to ask her to bring us because I knew the baby needed medicine. She didn’t want to bring us because she thought hubby should but he kept refusing. Finally she came up after more arguing and after more arguing with his mother he finally agreed to take us. After waiting 40 minutes in the doc’s office by myself with the baby he finally comes in at the time we are to be called in and complains that he has to sit and wait and what number is the people around me and don’t I pay attention and what not. Then when we get in, the doctor announced that mother is always right and that the baby has an ear infection. I was so mad that I had to go through such a battle to get my baby girl to the doctor to get medicine. Why do I have to live like this?
I told him I wanted to get my license so I could go to the store or doctors office and later maybe get a job and he said that If I wanted to get it I would have to find someone to take me and I would have to get my own car But who has the time to take me and how the in the world could I ever afford a car with the little paying jobs around here? Even if I had my license I still wouldn’t be able to work because I would have no car to get there.
I hate living here. I hate having no friends. I hate that my kids have no friends their age. I hate being stuck in a house and in a little village. I hate that I have no money. I feel like the poor welfare girl I was growing up with my mom. I worked so hard all my life to not to live in poverty and now look where I am! Even worse than welfare! I hate that hubby has complete control of my life and that I can’t breathe from the constant care of my kids and never having a real break.
My children are my only joy. I love Jesus but I feel so angry that all I can do is cry out to him and tell him how much I hate hubby. I pray every day for an hour or more about different things, hoping this will be the day things change but the day comes and goes and nothing. I feel so much like a time bomb just waiting to go off. What am I suppose to do.
How can I be a light for the Lord when I feel so dark and angry in my heart and have such pain? I feel like I am living a lie. I try to look like things are normal and fine but deep inside I know people are noticing.
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Old 12th June 2008, 07:11 PM   #2
1aokgal
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Re: Unhealthy Marriage

Dear MissionWorker...

I am glad there is a forum where you can vent your frustration and feel better. Glad you and your baby got to the Dr. You are a good mother who showed extraordinary diligence to see she got care. No credit for him he did that. Yes, you are right.....he sounds like a brute and an idiot.

You are pretty screwed in all the limitations you outlined. One could sit down and just give up. Now we got that over with.....you seem like a wonderful intelligent girl. The mother-in-law sounds not half bad in that she got the son to see what needed to be done. She probably wishes she had opted for birth control with him and is ashamed of him for his limitations. You have a handfull there.

Now..the money...job situation. Perhaps you could not earn that much if you did work outside the home? There are car costs, taxes and clothes you need and childcare. You sound like a healthy strong girl capable of doing things. Many times I made my OWN employment. Years ago I was a novice realtor and placed an ad n the paper to clean houses and other peoples toilets on my off days. By gosh, you would not believe how much money one can make doing what others don't want to do themselves!

A days work in different household is easy to find. Many customers have no problem to supply the ride. They will drive you home, my girl. Yes, and bring the kid.
Then there is childcare for working mothers. Perhpas you care for three at your home and give them a nap on cots/pillows on the floor and a snack. That can be a regular job and in high demand. IUn the US you have to have a license to do this.

I work on the internet and have a store on ebay. I sell the junk from my house and what I get from Goodwill stores I sell for more. My best deal that makes a LOT of money is I sew/design Victorian outfits, bonnets and hats to go with them. One of my outfits can sell for $1400. Since I have sewed all my life I enjoy to do it. One can buy historical patterns and all fabrics I usually buy online as well. I save a lot over fabric stores. I am able to get silks, velvets, brocades. Of course, these things have shipping paid by the buyer when they sell. You need a digital camera and a decent sewing machine.

If you just taught yourself to make the bonnets you would be shocked they can sell for up to $300 each. I take it since you are HERE you are computer smart? Then if you sew .....you take in alterations for others .. Pant cuffs, take in for better sizing, and shorten hems..easy sewing.
Some make fancy christening baby outfits that sell for several hundred dollars. Lap quilts use scrap fabrics and can be made beautiful. There is even a craft where you print photos on fabric so one can make photo blocks for a small lap quilt. Great for special order for a birthday with wedding photos, children photos or some family photos set into the lap quilt. These are cheap to make and easy and sell quickly and for much more. You take orders on them with family details. ...an easy craft to learn. The quilting is basically just embroidery thread put through and knotted and a little string left uncut to hold the layers together..very colorful. I made many of these for gifts. You have the time and motivation to make money that is yours to save or spend.

Some women make beautiful dolls with stuffed faced and parts and painted faces with gesso dried. Then you paint and needlemake the faces and dress them in cute scrap clothing and name them. There is one lady who does this and calls the quaint creatures,"Little Souls." She gets real kids used shoes from thrift stores so the dolls have BIG feet and cute shoes. When you stand in front of them you cannot choose which one you might want.....they are all so great.

Now these are NOT kids toys but collected by doll collectors all over the country. Sell them at church functions, or on ebay they sell fast and expensive. The back orders sell for months. I used to make porcelain dolls with stuffed bodies. I could not keep them done fast enough. I made the porcelain and fired the,. One can buy the doll parts from doll supply catalog or Ebay. You make body and dress them. Then add wigs you make or buy. All of these things sell easily. I have a cute one I bought from a lady about 15 inches high and dressed so cute with a tiny fur around her shoulders. She has a small shopping bag and written on it is,"I love to shop!" I must love to shop as I bought that one! That lady sells like crazy and they are not cheap! She has quite an income from her clever dolls.

Another lady here makes fabulous handbags in bright cheery cotton colors and she puts a zipper or fancy button opening. She sells at the craft shows and usually sells out. There is one lady who makes sweet kidsdresses like little House on the Praire girls pinafores or aprons with fancy pockets. She adds a set of crayons stuffed in the pockets. She sells out her table at the craft fairs.

So why don't you assess your skills and put it to work. "Idle hands are the Devil's workshop," they always say, right? That is when one feels sorry and sees all black and black. The world is still full of color...you just have to re-color your world with your imagination.

Are you a good cook? You can cook for others or make specialty things as fudge, cookies, cakes. Remember the cookie lady, Mrs. Fields, who made a fortune and sold her company for millions? Home baking. Now stop sitting around thinking you can't change what you can change.

Give yourself some positive talks and with your talents and level head you will be able to overcome the problems. Bet you could mention 20 other ideas of things you can do at home to make income. One lady here local makes fabulous soaps. She packages them in pretty paper and they sure sell expensive. They smell heavenly. What a fun hobby/work she chose. I see her at all the craft fairs. Turn your old jean fashions into fix up denim coats or patches on jeans from the thrift shop. Buy some fancy studs and decorate them. Can you imagine a pair of jeans decorated you buy for cheap, decorated they sell for boutique! You can learn to design websites too for others......it is good money.

The husband is perhaps trainable. Feed him good and reward him for good behavior.
If he is toilette trained he can learn what you need from him. Bad boys get no rewards. The mother sounds like a treasure and is worth to cultivate as a friend.

PS...Please, break your long post into paragraphs as it is easier to read.

Just begin with small projects and pray to get rid of the negative thoughts.
You sound like a perfect jewel and God rewards good servants.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 19th June 2008 at 02:36 AM. Reason: spelling
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