Bit of a brief background summary. My wife (31) and I (33) have been together 6 years, married for 3. We also have a 2yr old boy. As like most couples, at the beginning, it was all pure passion and lust....twice a day every week at times. We used to enjoy watching porn together, her alone sometimes too, which I had no issue with.
As time went on, the sex did eventually get less, but was still healthy. After our little one was born, naturally the sex gets less. This is, to some extent, expected, after a woman gives birth. But 2 years on, we're now in the once a month, once every 2 months club.
Her attitude is that we've been together a long time(!) and that things change over time. I get that things change, but said that I don't believe once a month is healthy. If it was down to me, i'd have it every day. I asked for a compromise - maybe once a week... She agreed to compromise and have sex once a week. But she said she wants it to be on the same day every week... a Friday. I didn't want it to be so regimented, but agreed anyway. This worked for maybe 3 weeks... then one Friday, she said she was too tired for sex. Not a problem, we have all weekend, so maybe we'll have an opportunity. But no. In her head, Friday had passed, so that was it until the following week. I questioned it... she got all defensive, and then pulled the plug on weekly sex, saying it felt like a chore!
She said that if she's not in the mood for it more than once a month, then she wouldn't do it for the sake of it, as it would feel wrong.
To top it off, i've seen that she's been watching porn on her phone whilst i'm at work. Makes me feel like her libido hasn't gone, and that it's me that's the problem?
I work shifts (nights and a few days shifts), so am home a lot in the week. I do almost all of the chores (Cook, tidy, washing, dishes), I have our boy on my days off. She works Monday-Friday, 9-5.30. She will come home from work, chill for an hour and then go gym for an hour. She will come home, eat dinner i've cooked, watch tv and then go bed. On the days I do work day shifts, she has to get our boy ready to take him to childminder, then go to work, thats it.
Virtually every single night, she'll ask for a massage and we'll both be naked for it. She enjoys it, finds it relaxing, and i'd be lying if I said I didn't get turned on. She gets very turned on, I can feel it.... but just as we were about to have sex, she told me me to get off as she was tired, and that was that. I couldn't get to sleep, as I was frustrated and a little bit peed off. We had a conversation about what we are going to do, but she fell asleep.
She never ever initiates sex. Sex will now only happen as a result of the massage. If I didn't massage her, we'd never come into contact! She rarely kisses me and foreplay from her is a massive no no. She does have some skin issues (bit of a form of eczema) and says it really affects her nipples... so I can't ever touch her breasts and touching her lady garden is a big no no. So I can't touch my wife to even get her in the mood.
When we have this conversation about sex, she just asks what the solution is. She's unwilling to compromise on this once a month thing. She says she doesn't understand why sex is so important to me. When I tell her that by having sex, it shows to me that she still wants me in a physical way. But all she hears is that I want to get laid. She wants to know why, if i'm happy with the rest of the relationship, why can't that be enough for me?
When we do have sex, there's no foreplay. In fact, there's been no foreplay since our boy was born. But the sex itself is over within 5 minutes. Usually she orgasms so fast, way before me. I'd say she was faking it, but I can feel she isn't... plus I know her too well to know she's not faking it. So if she likes it that much, why not want it more often? I get depressed so soon after sex too, as I know that's "it" for another month.
I've never gone down on her since we've been together. She says she's not comfortable with it and that I won't like it! I love doing it and she's admitted she's done it with every single guy she's ever dated, so that frustrates me just as much. Because if you didn't like it, you wouldn't have done it more than twice really?
I don't want to be stuck in a marriage that's only 3 years old, where the sex is pretty much non existent already and the foreplay has stopped. When I ask her every couple of months for some foreplay, she tells me to stop pressurising her. Pressurising? She's my wife... I barely mention it for fear of rejection. She says because I talk about it so often, she feels pressured... and as a result, she's not at all interested in sex. However, she said that if she were single right now and slept with someone, she admitted she'd do all the foreplay, have loads of sex, because that's what you do when you first get with someone....!
2/3 weeks after sex, I might start to try seduce her again, but she'll just stop and say we only had sex "the other day".
I said to her that I feel my confidence has been destroyed in bed. We only have sex when she's in the mood. We only ever do the same positions because that what she wants, as she doesn't like anything else. We don't have foreplay because she doesn't like it. I feel like I simply don't know how to turn her on anymore?
What can I do? How can she compromise if she refuses to have sex unless she's in the mood?
Every other aspect of the relationship is fine, but this is just eating away at me constantly. I asked her to go counselling (with me). She said no - on the basis that we'll get a divorce if it doesn't work. I asked her to go doctors to rule out any hormonal/chemical imbalances, she said no as there's nothing wrong with her.
She also confessed recently, saying she doesn't want to fight anymore, but that she can't keep me if i can't "bear" to stay. She also apologised, stating she she doesn't have the spark anymore - that it went after our boy was born 2 years ago. She says she fancies me but not in the way I want (e.g. wanting to rip my clothes off). She believes this is how it should be after 6 years together, and that it'll never be how it was at the beginning. She doesn't understand why I seem to put sex "above" the marriage, and can't believe i'd be willing to break up the family home, because, in her words, she won't "f*ck me".
Is divorce my only option?
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