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Old 10th October 2015, 08:47 PM   #1
david1982
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 1
my life is a mess/loveless life

Hi, My story is incredibly complicated so please bare with me. I am not married but am as close to being married as you can get.

I have been with my partner for 12 years on/off, we met when I was 19 and she was 15, our relationship was always tough as she had control issues and I didn't have a great self confidence, we stayed together for the next 3 years although the relationship was never strong, I decided to break the relationship up in march 2004 but not before I had got her pregnant.
I stuck with my decision despite the arrival of our baby boy, we spent the first 18 months of his life getting on for the sake of the baby in a non-relationship basis until she met a new partner, things changed drastically and got nasty, I fought in court for the right to see my child after she made it difficult for me to see him, she also fell pregnant again with her new partner, by the time the baby was born I had acquired court rights to see my child whilst her partner had left her.
We started communicating again after the new baby was born (to be fair I felt sorry for her) after a while we fell in to old habits and decided to give our relationship another go, over time I took on the role as the new baby's father (to which she knows no different today) we then decided to have another child to 'cement' our relationship but even then I knew I didn't love her.
7 more years passed just getting along for the sake of the children. last year I was close to leaving her but we spoke and after a while agreed to try for another child (never learn) the build up to the baby's arrival was a distraction but we seemed to get on again and our relationship seemed stronger, the baby arrived and after the initial chaos of having a baby passed I realised I was once again in a loveless relationship, I don't particularly enjoy her company, we do not crave each others attentions mentally or physically, but I so want to feel love and be in love with someone who loves me back I have never had this.
A couple of months ago a girl at work who I have liked for sometime started showing an interest in me, she was in the process of getting out of her relationship, we text for a while and then we started cuddling and kissing in the quiet places at work, I knew then I had to break up with my partner before it went any further, she was shocked and very upset when I told her, I felt terrible but I had such a strong bond with the girl I was seeing I couldn't call it off, I didn't tell my now ex-partner the real reasons why I broke up though she had her suspicions.
Its now been 8 weeks since we split up, she still wants to get back together and says she loves me and wants our family to be complete, but I don't love her like that, I feel so guilty for what I have put my children through and she is a brilliant mother to them. The girl I am seeing hasn't been the easiest of relationships so far because she is still in the process of removing her ex from her life so it has been very hot and cold, I am in love with her and I know she has very strong feelings for me too, now I am scared that all this will come back to bite me on the arse. obviously I now see my children a lot less than I used to but I don't want to be trapped in a loveless relationship and have lots of regrets when I'm older and at the same time if my new girl doesn't work out I'm scared I'll be on my own.
With the involvement of children I know a lot of the above probably sounds very selfish and I do feel so guilty because of this.
Any advice would be appreciated
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