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Old 29th May 2006, 10:51 AM   #1
zippedydoodaa
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How do I actually tell him?

That our marriage is over?????

We've been married since 2002. Things were fine for the first while, but have unfortunately, for me, deteriorated considerably over the years.

There is quite an age gap - I'm 27 and he's 38 and well.....I am finding it SO hard to actually come out with the words and tell him I want out. I think I am finding it so hard because it's not that he has actually done anything wrong. I just don't love him in that way any more and I have no physical/sexual attraction to him. Infact, the thought of being near him or with him in that way now repulses me.

I told him a month or 2 ago that I wasn't happy with our relationship, and had planned to end things then, but he was totally shocked and said it was a bolt out of the blue to him and that threw me and so I bottled out of seeing things through. Now that a few weeks have gone by I am struggling to restart the initial conversation and get things sorted out once and for all.

I can't find the words, or the time.....please help me with some advice - I am desperately unhappy and feel so guilty as I know I am likely just prolonging his pain....
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Old 29th May 2006, 10:57 AM   #2
Helen
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi,

Well, 11 years isn't a huge age gap - not at all. The question that struck me when I read your post is what happened to turn you off your husband? Do you know? I don't think you just stop loving people or stop lusting after them unless something happens to change your view of them. Is there another man involved? Are you finding yourself longing for your freedom to explore new relationships?

I am not asking these questions to pry. I just wonder what is really going on. The truth is, once upon a time you loved this man enough to marry him only 4 short years ago. Now you don't? Something must have happened and knowing what it is might help us to help you give your marriage a last stand before giving up completely.


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Old 29th May 2006, 11:48 AM   #3
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

I gradually just found myself less and less attracted to my H and more and more attracted to other men. I feel totally trapped in our relationship. He makes me feel guilty (albeit not intentionally perhaps) about wanting a career (it's ok for him...he's where he wants to be with his), also the pressure of wanting kids - which I realise now I do want very much, but not with him and I know if I have a child with him, then I will be even more unhappy and trapped. I have to work away from home and again I am made to feel guilty about that. There are just loads of little things that make me know deep down things are not right with us and I am certain in my heart that I don't want to attempt to resolve things. I do feel that I want my freedom. With hindsight I think I was too young (been with him since I was 18) and rushed into the marriage.


I feel very unhappy and depressed all the time now....and I'm not proud of myself Helen, but yes there is another man involved....but I need to make clear that he is not the cause of my marriage problems....far from it...I have felt like this for 2+ years now...and this other man has only been in my life for the last 3 months. However, without appearing to have my head in the clouds, I realise now that I didnt ever really love my H the way I should - because the feelings I have for this other person are far beyond anything I have experienced before. This other man has made me realise that if I want to be happy then I have to do something about my situation, which is what i am trying to do, but can't find the words to do it??
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Old 29th May 2006, 12:21 PM   #4
Helen
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi,

Thanks for being so candid. It is a pity you didn't try marriage counselling before allowing yourself to be attracted to and involved with another man but what is done is done. I don't think there is an easy way to break the news to your husband. Apart from your guilt, you can expect anger and maybe tears from him. After all, he has been with you since he was 29. I am sure if he had had an inkling that you married him without loving him in the way you should have, he would never have married you (or spent all those years with you himself) and would probably be married to someone else now, with kids.

I think you just need to be honest and try to harden your resolve. Decide when you are going to tell him then psyche yourself up to do the deed. Tell him that you have been unhappy for a long time and you have tried to find a way around it. But having grappled with the problem for more than 2 years, you know that there is no way forward other than divorce. Tell him you are sorry to hurt him in this way but your feelings towards him have changed and, try as you might, you cannot get them back. You have given many, many hours and days of thought to this and have been very depressed about it at times but you know that you are making the right decision and think it would be best to end things before they go any further. He may at this point beg for marriage counselling or to have a child but, again, I think you need to be honest. You don't see the point because you don't think it will change anything and the last thing you want to do is bring a child into a relationship that you deem to have no future.

To take salt from the wound, I would tell him that your change of heart isn't down to anything he has done. With hindsight, you suspect you were too young when you got together with him and almost certainly too young when you married him too. You would give anything not to hurt him in this way but you have to be honest because you want to set him free so that he can find someone else to love. Just as you need to find someone else and really fall in love.

As stated, it will hurt him and he will be very angry and no doubt very upset too. I would make sure the other man stays well out of the picture, even when the divorce is going through because the minute your husband finds out about him, he will be on the warpath. And then things will almost certainly become nasty between you.

Before talking to your husband, decide what you want from the marriage. I personally would take away only what you bought to the marriage. If you share the mortgage with him, tell him he can buy you out for a modest amount, if this is what he wants to do. If you want more, think about it carefully first. Bad enough you are dumping him but think carefully about putting him in a position where he could lose everything, including his home, just because you want out.

Good luck - I hope things go well,


Helen
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Old 29th May 2006, 01:07 PM   #5
Kate
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi zippedydoodaa,

Well, Helen has offered one viewpoint, let me offer another!

Disillusionment after a few years of marriage is both natural and to be expected - take a look at our section on coping with Disillusionment, and you'll find plenty of articles on both the symptoms and some of the steps you can take to deal with it.

Walking away is not the answer - what makes you think that the next relationship won't go the same way (and please don't give me "Oh, he's so different" - you'd have said the same thing about H 4 years ago!)? My point is that at the age of 27 it's time to take decisions in your life beyond the simple desire for some kind of emotional happiness and the next thrill - it's time to "Decide to Love" - that's what you promised to your husband just 4 years ago.

75% of ccouples who decide to work through their difficulties at a stage like this in your marriage express themselves satisfied or better with their relationship inside 5 years - the percentages of those who walk away are far lower - most are lonely and frustrated.

You talk about needing to find the "words to do it (separate)" - I think you need to find the courage to put your husband before yourself, and commit yourself wholeheartedly to his happiness, not your own, as that's what marriage is all about - unconditional love. If you do it, with some help along the way, you will be amazed at the deep joy that is possible between two people. But it takes courage and determination - have you got what it takes?

Dave
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Old 29th May 2006, 01:13 PM   #6
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Thanks for your reply Helen. As I said I am not proud of myself. I think for counselling to work there has to be some hope/want in you for things to improve or be resolved, but that is not something I can relate to. I don't think that counselling is available where we live anyway?

Alot of what you have said I can relate to though - about not wanting to hurt him in this way - that is why I have struggled to see things through....but I know deep down it is pointless 2 people being desperately unhappy, when we could both be happy eventually....given time.....

I thought I did love him when I married him - otherwise I would never have done so....it's only recently that I have realised that I can't give him what he needs or deserves....

As for the house etc. etc. I would be prepared to let all of it go...not to make him feel better or to make some sort of amends/compensate or anything like that...simply because I have realised you can have all the money and nice things - cars, house etc. in the world....but it means nothing if you are miserable with it.... of course I would not want to leave him stuck or with nothing or less than he had in the beginning....that's not to say he wouldn't go all guns for me?? which in that case I would have to stick up for myself...

I'm not concerned about that at the moment to be honest, i am just trying to make an initial way forward with things and not getting on very well

C
XXXX
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Old 29th May 2006, 01:24 PM   #7
zippedydoodaa
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

put your husband before yourself, and commit yourself wholeheartedly to his happiness, not your own, as that's what marriage is all about - unconditional love.

Whilst I appreciate your reply to my thread, I don't agree with this view at all. What it appears to be saying is as long as your partner is happy then that is all that matters??? So it's ok to be practically slitting your wrists because you are so miserable??

I don't take marriage lightly at all and I doubt very much if I will ever marry again because of my experience and how it has made me and my husband feel. I know I made vows to him which have ultimately been broken and whether that is right or wrong in the eyes of anyone else, I don't believe that people should be punished for the rest of their lives for naivety in what to expect from marriage, mistakes, weaknesses or indeed inadvertent changes in their feelings.
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Old 29th May 2006, 03:38 PM   #8
Dave
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi Zippedy

I think you should re-read all of what I posted below - not just the one sentence. Most people who work through the situation you now find yourself in end up happy, not "punished for the rest of their lives", and most people who split up end up disatisfied.

What saddens me is that you have already closed your mind to most of the available options - there are lots of possible ways forward from where you are, but unless you open your mind and heart to them then you are limiting yourself (and your husband) to a very poor few.

Anyway, to return to the question you used to head the thread, why not write your husband a letter setting out the full scope of your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life, including the need to feel loved and cherished, to have children etc, invite him to do the same, and then explore together the ways to achieve what both your hearts really long for. That way, even if the answer is to go your separate ways, you will do so in the knowledge that you took the risk together of being really open about what you long for, and you reached a joint conclusion about how to get there.

Dave

PS - Sorry for posting as Kate earlier - she was in the office earlier and forgot to log out - and I forgot to check! Dave
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Old 29th May 2006, 08:10 PM   #9
TooMuchPain
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Your situation actually makes me angry. You want to take a dignified way out of your marriage. You have essentially wasted his time. You have led him on for 2 years. You are cheating on your husband (physical or not, it does not matter). Any relationship that has deceit is doomed. Both your marriage and your relationship with the other man.

My wife did the same thing to me. I cannot begin to describe to someone who is doing what you are doing how it feels. You have already left him. You have lied to him and now you want to feel better. The best thing to do is take what you had when you married and leave. Do not argue about it. Do not tell him, you hope he is okay and he will be happier. No more pretending. You have betrayed him and your vows. How dare you try to make any run at a dignified ending.

You have not sought counseling and seem to refuse to do so. In the information age. Counseling is available. If you have not found it, you have not looked for it. You want to get your dignity back. Get to counseling. End your affair. This is about you and him. Are you really unhappy or are you insatiable? Those are things counseling will tell you. You owe that to him.

I can tell you I have had friends tell me they are unhappy with their wife. I tell them to stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about how to fix it or die trying. Time is not the issue. I pray you will reconsider, but I now know, no one person can make anyone do anything without duress. You owe it to him to try.
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Old 29th May 2006, 08:24 PM   #10
Helen
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

TooMuchPain,

While I understand your point of view, I disagree. I too was an abandoned spouse. My ex cheated on me with my brother's wife and believe me, it tore my heart out to the point where I have developed a serious, physical illness as a consequence. What my ex didn't have the guts to do, unlike this poster, was to confront his feelings and try to end things at any point, before or after be became embroiled with the other woman. Yes, this poster is seeing someone else and that is regrettable. But done is done. She is not going to prolong the agony any longer than necessary and let's face it - 2 years isn't in itself a hugely long time. My own marriage limped on for 12 years after my husband first assaulted me. He raped me. Repeatedly. And I gave him chance after chance after chance. Because that's what spouse's are supposed to do - isn't it? I realise now that I should have divorced him when he did it the second time. More fool me. But I bet some people on this board would be bleating on about me 'owing him a chance'. No, he was owed no chances. Nonetheless, I did give him several. But this doesn't mean the poster has to...

Let's not forget, the poster has not been involved with anyone the whole time. Her new relationship only happened 3 months ago - once she had decided to end things. What she has come here for is help to end things. So I don't think she needs me, you or anyone else to lecture her on her morals. I am sure she feels bad enough. (This coming from a 'wronged' woman - go figure).

Ordinarily I would not have much time for people like the poster. But I am sympathetic, I admit it. The thing that stopped me dumping my ex was the fact that I felt that I owed him more. The pity is, he didn't feel the same way. One thing being a member of this site has taught me is that there is no black and white. The poster does not love her husband. She is not interested in trying to make things work. I recognised this immediately, which is why I urged her to fess up and move on. Yes, she wasted his time but she has wasted her time too because she should have bailed out 2 years ago. But hey - it is only 2 years. Not the 12 years that I wasted.

I realise you are angry about your own situation but do not project your anger onto this poster. Her situation is entirely different. There are no kids involved. There is no reason for her to stay with her husband if she has spent 2 years (most of it in depression) trying to get to grips with her feelings. She has thought about it and knows there is no way forward for her other than divorce. To urge her to work on the marriage in that circumstance is pointless because she has made it clear that she is not interested in doing this - as is her right. I only wish I had had her sense 10 years ago because then I would not have wasted my youth on a man who ultimately threw it away to be with a benefit scrounging scrubber.


Helen
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Old 29th May 2006, 10:29 PM   #11
Dave
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi Helen

Quote:

There is no reason for her to stay with her husband if she has spent 2 years (most of it in depression) trying to get to grips with her feelings. She has thought about it and knows there is no way forward for her other than divorce. To urge her to work on the marriage in that circumstance is pointless because she has made it clear that she is not interested in doing this - as is her right.
There were several points in your posting I thought about responding to, but the quote above intrigued me. Why is it pointless to challenge someone's assumption, and why is deserting her her husband her "right"?

Surely the point of the promises in marriage is that you forego certain "rights" to be assured of mutual loyalty and protection. Zippedy has no more "right" to desert her husband than your husband had to desert you.

And just helping someone do something wrong in the hope of making them feel better in the short term doesn't make it the right (or courageous) thing to do - that's just following the soft option. And all the stats show that working through challenges is what creates real growth in character - and happiness.

I too have feelings of sympathy - indeed I regularly weep at some of the postings here - but I don't let my emotional response or empathy get in the way of challenging folks to do what they promised, and to reap the proven long term rewards.

Dave
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Old 29th May 2006, 11:13 PM   #12
Helen
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
Hi Helen

There were several points in your posting I thought about responding to, but the quote above intrigued me. Why is it pointless to challenge someone's assumption, and why is deserting her her husband her "right"?

Surely the point of the promises in marriage is that you forego certain "rights" to be assured of mutual loyalty and protection. Zippedy has no more "right" to desert her husband than your husband had to desert you.

And just helping someone do something wrong in the hope of making them feel better in the short term doesn't make it the right (or courageous) thing to do - that's just following the soft option. And all the stats show that working through challenges is what creates real growth in character - and happiness.

I too have feelings of sympathy - indeed I regularly weep at some of the postings here - but I don't let my emotional response or empathy get in the way of challenging folks to do what they promised, and to reap the proven long term rewards.

Dave
Dave,

In this case, I think it is pointless challenging zippedy's assumption because (to me) is is clear that her mind is made up. I agree, zippedy's husband (if I were married to him) would have no more right to desert me than my ex did - but a) this discussion is hyperthetical and b) my ex did desert me! The difference between zippedy's marriage and my own marriage to my ex is longevity - and children. I was married to my ex for 17 years and we had a child together. Zippedy realised after 2 years that she had made a mistake marrying this man. If she had been married to him for 5, 10, 15, or 20 years I would tend to agree that she should give her husband a chance, especially if there were kids involved. She has been married in reality for only 2 years (the last 2 years don't count because for much of that time she has been depressed and questioning the wisdom of marrying this man). And she has made it clear she has no intention of having kids with him.

My point is why does anyone here expect Zippedy to 'explain' herself to anyone but her husband? Why should any of us berate her? I am sure she knows what she is doing is wrong. She doesn't need any of us to point it out. Nor does she need any of us to point her to a land of no hope. Unlike most people who just up sticks and walk away, Zippedy has thought about this. She has thought of little else for 2 years and she has been depressed about it. She feels trapped and overwhelmed by guilt. I admit, while I am a wronged woman, I am sympathetic because I too tried to work with my ex to repair my marriage. I gave him chance after chance. The end result was I wasted another 12 years with him and we parted enemies. This is why I can see both sides of the argument for reconcilliation. Sometimes it can work. Sometimes not. But what is clear is BOTH partners have to be willing to work at it and in this instance, Zippedy isn't. If Zippedy decided to take the advice she is being given, she would be working at it under duress. Hardly a healthy start.

None of us can hope to know what Zippedy has been through in her mind or in reality. Her posts are pretty eloquent and self-explanatory - my opinion. There are FACTS that cannot be ignored - only she knows her husband. She doesn't love him. And that is my point. Zippedy does not love her husband. Whether this is fair or not is debatable. But the point is, she is not interested in pursuing a relationship with him any longer. Therefore why should the opinions of those on this forum force her to pursue this route? Why do any of us think our opinions MATTER at the end of the day? I do not kid myself that they do - I certainly hope no one else is betting they do...because Zippedy is going to do what she feels is right regardless. Sad? - maybe. But a fact.

I am not suggesting that Zippedy is right to feel this way or to want to walk away. But I tend to think when the love is stone cold dead, the far more humane thing is to let her husband go - and be honest with him. What is so wrong with that, particularly if she is attracted to other men and is unhappy with him as a life partner? As for challenging people about what they promised and looking for rewards? Sometimes you KNOW your partner is the wrong partner and no amount of praying is going to make him the right partner in your mind! This is where Zippedy is. Wouldn't the kindest thing to do in that circumstance be to be honest and end things with her husband asap so that they can both move on?


Helen

PS:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
...most people who split up end up disatisfied.
I found this bit of your previous post interesting. Perhaps I should just give up on finding happiness myself on the back of my own marriage breaking down?

Last edited by Helen; 30th May 2006 at 08:26 AM.
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Old 30th May 2006, 01:37 AM   #13
shadow
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

No advice really, been a long weekend with the holiday and I am to wiped out to think, but it is soooo sad to see people just give up on their mariage so fast. 4 years!!! Heck barely off the honeymoon. Marriage is hard work, it has it up and downs, good times and bad. And yes there will be even time you might think you dont love your other, or not as strong. Marriage is only good as you BOTH work on it..... and sometime at the end of the tunnel and long struggle you find out how much you do love them.

Yes marriage is about putting the other before yourself, it does not come out that one should be miserable while the other is happy cause the other is also putting you in front of themselves.

You have done wrong by involving another into a realationship you shouldnt have. To me I suggest that you get some IC and MC. If it shocked your hubby when you mentioned it the first time, I bet he is willing to go to save your guys marriage.
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Old 30th May 2006, 09:10 AM   #14
Dave
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi Helen

I guess that ultimately we'll have to agree to differ, probably because our underlying philosophy of life is so different. Two examples:
  • You say it's a fact she doesn't love her husband any more. I'd say that she is simply expressing the fact that she doesn't have those romantic (and exciting) emotions we call love. Real love is a decision to put someone else first, not a feeling. If practiced it will lead to feelings of joy and closeness - but this can take time and effort. That's my challenge to zippedy - to reframe the questions.
  • You ask should you give up on finding happiness. In one sense no - after all I'm only quoting general statistics, and not everyone will follow the normal pattern, and some of course will find happiness again. In another sense yes - because the more we chase personal happiness the more elusive it becomes. We only truly find it when we stop chasing it for ourselves, and start seeking to give it to others.
And hey, if we all thought the same, wouldn't the forums be a boring, and less challenging read!

Keep up the good work

Dave
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Old 30th May 2006, 09:41 AM   #15
hoxton
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Re: How do I actually tell him?

Hi guys,

Have just read through this thread and I think that it is very sad that Zippedy wants out of her marraige.

I also feel that to many people up and leave without fighting.

BUT no one should have to live being that unhappy She is certain that she does not want to save the marraige and she has no children and as painfull as it will be for them or her H like Helen says if it would of been 5 10 or 20 yrs of marraige or they had children together then things would be different I think she should just leave let him pick himself up and eventually find someone who loves him and will be able to give him what he deserves.


I think she has made a mistake bringing someone else into the marraige she should of left first but it is clear in this case that it is never gonna work so for her Husbands sake the quicker she leaves the better.

And I must say that it is ok to say someone should stay with their H or W but at what cost ?
surely everyone has the right to be happy why should anyone have to live their life deppressed and miserable what sort of spouce would they be or parent if they were unhappy all the time.

Amanda
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