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Old 17th July 2006, 06:48 PM   #1
jon541
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 3
Hard times

I started to notice a while back that my wife didn't want me see things she was doing on her laptop. I would walk by and she would close her laptop so that I couldn’t see what she was doing. At first I didn't really pay much attention because she had never done anything to make me think anything was going on. One day, it was much more obvious that she was hiding something. I had walked up behind to ask her a question and surprised her. Before she had time to close the laptop I saw an email that read "Are you there?". I asked her about it and she told me she didn't know what I was talking about. I told her that I saw the email and asked what she was hiding and again her response was the same.



I am not a controlling or generally paranoid person. This was the first time that I had ever questioned her odd behavior so there was no reason for her to act this way to me.



Once I knew that she was hiding something from me I was much more alert to any odd behavior. I would ask to borrow her laptop and she always had to "do something" to it first. After a while I couldn't take it anymore and one late night while she was asleep I went through her emails. I felt horrible but I had to know if something was going on. I found several emails that were questionable, mostly flirting with other guys at her job. I also found the email that she said she "didn't know what I was talking about", in her deleted archived items. It still didn't make since to me but why hide it? Then I found the one email that still makes me sick to this day. A guy from her job asked her "are we going to do lunch today?" to which she replied "no, that's tomorrow... I have to pretend to be a good wife today". I confronted her about it and she told me that it was meant as a joke. I still don't understand how that can be translated into a joke.



After that I became a little freaked out and started thinking about all of the signs that I may have missed in the past. She had just taken a "business trip" for 4 or 5 days. I looked up the flight receipts and any other business receipts we had. They only showed two people going, her and the man I am now paranoid of. When I thought back to when she left I remember thinking that it was weird that she was only taking beach cloths on a business trip. I also thought it saw weird when she got back that she had a lacy bra in her bag that she never puts on for me. Again, I didn't think anything of it at the time because I am very trusting. When I confronted her about it she had more ridiculous excuses.



Another thought that came to mind was her company Christmas party where she left me to go dance with the man that I am now paranoid of. A little up set and bored I went to the room at the hotel by myself. I went to sleep and was later woken up by her coming into the room. I had been in the room since 10:30 and it was now 1:30. At the time I was more upset about the fact that she left me alone with all the people from her job and didn't spend time with me.



These were the things that really stared everything we have been going through for the last six months. For six months I have been really trying to be understanding of my wife. She comes from a family that doesn't talk or like to deal with any confrontation. When I tell her that she has really hurt me she doesn't say she is sorry. She just finds something she can be upset at me about. Either that or she says she "doesn't want to talk about it" or gives me the silent treatment. She can see that I am hurting and she doesn't do anything. I am a very forgiving person so I have tried to let these things go and move on. Every time I think I am going to be ok she does something else that makes me think she is cheating on me. In the last six months I have caught her in lies, not known where she is at all hours of the night, and seen a ridiculous amount of emails that are questionable. I told her not to take anymore business trips for a while if she could avoid them just to help me. She sprung a surprise trip on me at the last minute and left even when I told it will make me want to leave her if she did. She didn't care and said that she need space from me. When she got back she asked me to move out of our house because she needed space. The most recent event that hurt me was this last Saturday when I asked to borrow her laptop and she had to do "something" to it first. I wasn't intending to look at her email but I couldn't resist. I found an email that she was trying to hide from me in an odd place. The contents of the email were harmless but the fact that she was hiding it from me after I had asked her to not email this man anymore, made my heart sink again.



There is so much I could write a book. Everything that I have said is just the basics. Nothing is different then six months ago. At one point we did go to an idiot marriage councilor that said since I didn't have any proof she was cheating on me she had done nothing wrong. I asked her about the lies and improper behavior. She just smiled and said "honey, those are just white lies and everyone has those". She wasn't a Christian councilor so that was my first mistake. We are going to go to another councilor soon so I hope it goes better this time.



I am a strong Christian and if it were not for God I would have left a long time ago. The Lord has told me that everything will be alright and with time things will heal. Even though everything has been very hard and I have just about broken under the stain I have become much closer to God. The main reason I am on here today is just to vent and to tell others that no matter what, God can turn something so hard into something so sweet. Please be praying for my wife and I.



1 Corinthians 10:13 </SPAN>No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
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Old 19th July 2006, 04:15 PM   #2
Kate
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Posts: 1,115
Re: Hard times

Dear Jon

Just wanted to reply to you. I am glad that you are finding comfort in your own faith. You don't say whether your wife shares your faith.

I hope the Christian counsellor will give you some more constructive help. After that you might consider an enrichment programme, as one of the best protections against infidelity is to keep your relationship in top form. You can find some listed here and if you aren't in the UK, many of them like Marriage Encounter are running in the US and other parts of the world.

The article here on trust may also give you some food for thought, especially as this seems to be the main symptom at the moment.

Best wishes

Kate
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Old 19th July 2006, 06:16 PM   #3
jon541
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Join Date: Jul 2006
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Re: Hard times

God has answered my prayers. I decided to confront this man again. I got off work early and drove down to my wife’s work and had her and this man (which is her boss by the way) sit down with me for a little talk. I began to explain that I was not going to take it anymore. Since I don't really know if anything is going on or not because of no solid proof, I explained the magnitude of what his actions were causing. Based on his reaction I don't think he had a clue that I was about to leave my wife due to the past events. My wife then tried to tell me that we didn't need to have this argument with him and that it was our business and not his. That lead me to believe he didn't know she was keeping things from me. I told her you have already made him a part of this by keeping him a secret from me and he agreed. I finished what I had to say by telling my wife if anything else suspicious happened from here on I would leave her and was going after him with much anger (I pointed at him). I think it kind of hit home with both of them because they both just kind of shook their heads yes with the look of a child being scolded. I then told her to come right home because we need to talk about this more. I left and on the way home prayed that I had not made things worse. I told God that this was my limit and that things need to change or I would not be able to continue with her. I told myself if she comes home and is not repentant like most times, I would leave her. When I got home I read some in my Bible and prayed for God come to my aid and he did. As soon as she walked in the door she said she was sorry and told me that it was hard to tell me that because she was so resentful of the way I treated her when we first got married. First of all, my wife doesn't communicate at all about anything so the fact that she started this conversation meant more than anyone will ever know. When we first got married I spent a lot of my time with my friends and not as much with her. She really didn't say much or act like it bothered her but never the less she was in much need of me. For about a year she held this all in until she got to the point at which she didn't care anymore. She shut off her emotions and adapted to the way things were. Once she told me this, it was like the blinders had been taken off of my eyes. I knew why she couldn't be repentant. She doesn't know how to get her feelings out into words and since I didn't know that I needed to deal with her pain in order for her to deal with mine, it made things worse for both. I felt that God allowed her to find in herself to be able to talk and express herself to me. When she did this I then told her how sorry I was for the pain I caused her. She could see that I really meant it which in turn allowed her to do the same for me. It was wonderful! I have been praying this whole time that she would just be able to talk. With out communication any relationship will fail. I knew that some of my paranoia was due to no communication but I didn't know most of it was. Just hearing her talk took most of it away because I could she how she really feels. I know what she has done was immoral and improper but I feel in my heart that she never physically cheated on me. Praise the Lord for opening our eyes! I now see that God had to tear us down to build us up in him. We started our marriage as inactive Christians but now we will strive to base our new beginning on Christ. The Lord Jesus is so sweat! Praise the Lord!!!

For those of you reading this and are going through times like this. Just remember that if you have patience, read your Bible, pray, walk with God, and trust in him, you will always be ok. He may not do things the easy way or the fastest way but it will always be for the best. From start to end, it took God two and a half years to get to this point for us. We still have a lot of healing but I feel we are on the down hill side of things.

P.S. We are going to a Christian Councilor to help with the healing.
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Old 19th July 2006, 06:17 PM   #4
jon541
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Re: Hard times

Thanks Kate!
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Old 19th July 2006, 06:40 PM   #5
Kate
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Join Date: Feb 2000
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Re: Hard times

Dear Jon


So glad to hear your news. Now you both have the chance to open up your hearts to each other and build something strong and beautiful with God's help.

Kate
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