Recently separated after 17 years of marriage honest advice and views needed

[ralfgarnett]

I just want out of here and this situation and I am not sure how much more I can take of it all. I just want my wife and my marriage back, please can somebody anybody tell me how to do that ?.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I just want out of here and this situation and I am not sure how much more I can take of it all. I just want my wife and my marriage back, please can somebody anybody tell me how to do that ?.

you know we cant do that ralf, she mas made her decision it seems. You are fighting against giving up hope. Its part of letting go, realising that that avenue has closed and your life is now down another road. You need to cut the remaining ties that hold you back from moving on.

[Lindentree1]

I wish I knew what to say, Ralf. : (

My thoughts are with you today.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

you know we cant do that ralf, she mas made her decision it seems. You are fighting against giving up hope. Its part of letting go, realising that that avenue has closed and your life is now down another road. You need to cut the remaining ties that hold you back from moving on.

Its not just the marital situation its a bit of everything on top too, I increasingly hate this town its miserable and grotty and I don't lie this house any more it is a problem to me more and more and very soon I will need to make a choice about both the house and my work situation as that bothers me too, I went down town to pick up some shopping this morning and it just gets worse and worse, I could cope with it when I could feel her hand in mine I just turned a blind eye to it really because everything was ok because I had her, but since she has gone I hate it here more and more, the town centre today stank of 2nd hand cigarette smoke, sweaty meat pies, and a stinking putred rat infested river, as you may know I have been a Mod and into Mod culture for 30 plus years and it has inspired a lot of my life I'm proud to say, it gives you class, style, and high standards in life, one of my favourite Mod bands is the Animals and over this past few weeks this brilliant track of theirs from 1965 has been going round and round my head for weeks now maybe I should heed their words and disappear another track that's been going round my head is Rat Trap by the Boomtown rats, not a Mod band of course but still from Dublin so they are bound to e good , any listen yourselves to the Animals and let me know https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUpBSvN1a50

I was born 1964 but right now I wish it was 1965 and I was 20 years old on my old cream. pale blue, and claret 1960's Lambretta that I had up until about 10 years ago, I don't feel well I'm going to bed, I have had a phone call from the local phycolical well being services this evening, all well meaning all good people, but checking up on me to check I haven't gone bonkers or topped myself, what a bloody great life this is. 50 years old and crushed, defeated, damaged, and ruined.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by Lindentree1

I wish I knew what to say, Ralf. : (

My thoughts are with you today.

And with you my dear friend LDT we are all in the dark fog of grief.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Its not just the marital situation its a bit of everything on top too, I increasingly hate this town its miserable and grotty and I don't lie this house any more it is a problem to me more and more and very soon I will need to make a choice about both the house and my work situation as that bothers me too, I went down town to pick up some shopping this morning and it just gets worse and worse, I could cope with it when I could feel her hand in mine I just turned a blind eye to it really because everything was ok because I had her, but since she has gone I hate it here more and more, the town centre today stank of 2nd hand cigarette smoke, sweaty meat pies, and a stinking putred rat infested river, as you may know I have been a Mod and into Mod culture for 30 plus years and it has inspired a lot of my life I'm proud to say, it gives you class, style, and high standards in life, one of my favourite Mod bands is the Animals and over this past few weeks this brilliant track of theirs from 1965 has been going round and round my head for weeks now maybe I should heed their words and disappear another track that's been going round my head is Rat Trap by the Boomtown rats, not a Mod band of course but still from Dublin so they are bound to e good , any listen yourselves to the Animals and let me know https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUpBSvN1a50

I was born 1964 but right now I wish it was 1965 and I was 20 years old on my old cream. pale blue, and claret 1960's Lambretta that I had up until about 10 years ago, I don't feel well I'm going to bed, I have had a phone call from the local phycolical well being services this evening, all well meaning all good people, but checking up on me to check I haven't gone bonkers or topped myself, what a bloody great life this is. 50 years old and crushed, defeated, damaged, and ruined.

There is a big wide world out there ralf, even moving just a few miles away from the town can get you into a really nice area. So much of the north is nice, my son and family have just moved to Southern Cumbria because houses there are half the price that they are down here, so many lovely places you could go, as well as Malta where you have family. A different home, a new area, a fresh start, sounds like a good idea. It would give you a whole new challenge and focus and lease of life. We are planning to move pretty soon maybe to the Worcestershire or Gloucestershire areas, 1/3rd cheaper houses than here and some lovely countryside and places to see.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

There is a big wide world out there ralf, even moving just a few miles away from the town can get you into a really nice area. So much of the north is nice, my son and family have just moved to Southern Cumbria because houses there are half the price that they are down here, so many lovely places you could go, as well as Malta where you have family. A different home, a new area, a fresh start, sounds like a good idea. It would give you a whole new challenge and focus and lease of life. We are planning to move pretty soon maybe to the Worcestershire or Gloucestershire areas, 1/3rd cheaper houses than here and some lovely countryside and places to see.

I agree I would be so much better off emotionally in the long term in Malta, Maltese people are famously friendly and hospitable and live their lives much more outside than inside even in winter, there is always something going on and to see, and the Islands are very easy and cheap to get around by public transport so no need for a car or to drive very much if at all, just one problem, I need to earn a living, and I am not sure about what I would do to do that, jobs are pretty scarce but I know people over their including one mayor, a deputy mayor, and a government official, as well as people that own or run other types off business, but we will see it's a big leap of faith but if anyone can do it then I can, thing is there is absolutely nothing to keep me here and I mean nothing, I would get the kitties their pet passports and move them over with me, they are still relatively young and fit and could easily travel under a vets supervision, just one other problem though is the summer heat which can be excrutiating and I mean excrutiating, from August to end of October both the heat and humidity can sap the life out you, but I could just see myself meeting a nice Maltese girl, pretty with olive skin, a lovely demeanour, church going, cooking great pasta dishes like mama used to make, taking lovely seaside cliff walks, and bangs like an outside bog door on a stormy night .

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I agree I would be so much better off emotionally in the long term in Malta, Maltese people are famously friendly and hospitable and live their lives much more outside than inside even in winter, there is always something going on and to see, and the Islands are very easy and cheap to get around by public transport so no need for a car or to drive very much if at all, just one problem, I need to earn a living, and I am not sure about what I would do to do that, jobs are pretty scarce but I know people over their including one mayor, a deputy mayor, and a government official, as well as people that own or run other types off business, but we will see it's a big leap of faith but if anyone can do it then I can, thing is there is absolutely nothing to keep me here and I mean nothing, I would get the kitties their pet passports and move them over with me, they are still relatively young and fit and could easily travel under a vets supervision, just one other problem though is the summer heat which can be excrutiating and I mean excrutiating, from August to end of October both the heat and humidity can sap the life out you, but I could just see myself meeting a nice Maltese girl, pretty with olive skin, a lovely demeanour, church going, cooking great pasta dishes like mama used to make, taking lovely seaside cliff walks, and bangs like an outside bog door on a stormy night .

Well if you hate the heat and dont think you will get work there, then that still leaves you with many choices, you seem to hate your town so how about you look elsewhere? As I said, even moving 5-10 miles away may well take you to nice little market towns or a village. Thats where I plan to move to, a market town with all the amenities but not too big. There are thousands like that, with lots going on but near the countryside and open spaces.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

Well if you hate the heat and dont think you will get work there, then that still leaves you with many choices, you seem to hate your town so how about you look elsewhere? As I said, even moving 5-10 miles away may well take you to nice little market towns or a village. Thats where I plan to move to, a market town with all the amenities but not too big. There are thousands like that, with lots going on but near the countryside and open spaces.

I don't hate the heat but I don't really yearn for it, it can be so restrictive but maybe it would be a small price to pay as winter, spring, and autumn is lovely over there, you can still swim in the sea around Malta u Ghawdex until late November early December, I even know a group of people that swim for charity every xmas day without freezing to death, I doubt very much if I would ever move within the UK unless I win a bundle on the lottery, that aside it would be a futile and empty move for no real reason, my mortgage is peanuts and I nearly own this place now and I would be denying myself the limited company that I have here, so for me I need to gauge what comes next as either moving to Malta or Ireland would trump moving within the UK by a long chalk, it's obvious that I dislike living in the UK ( or as I recently called it the YUK ) more and more and if I were to move then Malta is # 1.

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

I don't hate the heat but I don't really yearn for it, it can be so restrictive but maybe it would be a small price to pay as winter, spring, and autumn is lovely over there, you can still swim in the sea around Malta u Ghawdex until late November early December, I even know a group of people that swim for charity every xmas day without freezing to death, I doubt very much if I would ever move within the UK unless I win a bundle on the lottery, that aside it would be a futile and empty move for no real reason, my mortgage is peanuts and I nearly own this place now and I would be denying myself the limited company that I have here, so for me I need to gauge what comes next as either moving to Malta or Ireland would trump moving within the UK by a long chalk, it's obvious that I dislike living in the UK ( or as I recently called it the YUK ) more and more and if I were to move then Malta is # 1.

The thing is that you only really know where you live now. I could name countless nice places in the uk that I would love to live in. As you know I love this country and would hate to live anywhere else in Europe for so many reasons I do think that you idea of living in Ireland or malta and not just being there on holiday is very idealistic, they have many issues themselves as all countries do, such as lack of work, crime, grotty towns etc.

Not sure why you need to win any money, there are many places where the house prices are similar to where you live now, especially the north and south west and east anglia.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

The thing is that you only really know where you live now. I could name countless nice places in the uk that I would love to live in. As you know I love this country and would hate to live anywhere else in Europe for so many reasons I do think that you idea of living in Ireland or malta and not just being there on holiday is very idealistic, they have many issues themselves as all countries do, such as lack of work, crime, grotty towns etc.

Not sure why you need to win any money, there are many places where the house prices are similar to where you live now, especially the north and south west and east anglia.

Malta is one of the safest places to be in the world never mind Europe, my Malta is not grotty it is very old and historical with beautiful old buildings and some of the finest archeological sites in the world including Skorba, Borg-in Nadur, Gignatijia, Tarxien, Hagar Qim, Mnajdra, Mdina, Valletta, Birgu, Ta-silg, Ta Hagrat etc etc all some of the oldest historical sites in the known world, the grotty bits of Malta are those horrible brit related places such as Qawra which is purposely designed to give brit tourists their daily fix of egg and chips, the sun newspaper, john smiths smooth, and bacon butties, I have friends over there that are so bemused by it all they consider the tourist places as a national insult and as revolting like blackpool and think them enough to put people off ever returning, don't forget we kicked the brits out in 1964 to 1974 and have since been trying to reverse many of the things that were inflicted on us as with Ireland in the early 1920's, my / our Malta is one of deep spirituality, wonderful history, countryside, and culture, great cuisine, rolling countryside, lemon groves, wild olives, prickly pear, great wine, beautiful seascapes, and fantastic scenery, their is no where quite like it, in pre-historic Malta we were building temples and villages and cities older than Stonehenge and ancient Egypt while the pre-historic british were still living in mud huts or holes in the ground .

[chosen]

Originally Posted by ralfgarnett

Malta is one of the safest places to be in the world never mind Europe, my Malta is not grotty it is very old and historical with beautiful old buildings and some of the finest archeological sites in the world including Skorba, Borg-in Nadur, Gignatijia, Tarxien, Hagar Qim, Mnajdra, Mdina, Valletta, Birgu, Ta-silg, Ta Hagrat etc etc all some of the oldest historical sites in the known world, the grotty bits of Malta are those horrible brit related places such as Qawra which is purposely designed to give brit tourists their daily fix of egg and chips, the sun newspaper, john smiths smooth, and bacon butties, I have friends over there that are so bemused by it all they consider the tourist places as a national insult and as revolting like blackpool and think them enough to put people off ever returning, don't forget we kicked the brits out in 1964 to 1974 and have since been trying to reverse many of the things that were inflicted on us as with Ireland in the early 1920's, my / our Malta is one of deep spirituality, wonderful history, countryside, and culture, great cuisine, rolling countryside, lemon groves, wild olives, prickly pear, great wine, beautiful seascapes, and fantastic scenery, their is no where quite like it, in pre-historic Malta we were building temples and villages and cities older than Stonehenge and ancient Egypt while the pre-historic british were still living in mud huts or holes in the ground .

OH dear you really do have a downer on the uk dont you and yet you have lived here all this time when you could have lived there. Why???. Malta has its issues and problems just as any other country, mostly ones that you would only see if you lived there all the time. Things always look ok for a tourist, living there is a different matter entirely.

I could name countless amazing beautiful quirky interesting things about the uk, but its pointless really. You have made your mind up thats its horrible due to one place and thats that.

Dont get it at all. I would have gone years ago as soon as I was old enough to go on my own if I loved it that much and hated it here that much.
MY husband loves it here, and he spent the first 29 years of his life in Oz. I guess you only see what you want to see, the many positives or the few negatives . I would rather live here that anywhere in the world, the people are so great, tough, earnest, funny, polite and generous. If I HAD to move, it would be to Canada, my second choice. Have a few relatives there.

[ralfgarnett]

Originally Posted by chosen

OH dear you really do have a downer on the uk dont you and yet you have lived here all this time when you could have lived there. Why???. Malta has its issues and problems just as any other country, mostly ones that you would only see if you lived there all the time. Things always look ok for a tourist, living there is a different matter entirely.

I could name countless amazing beautiful quirky interesting things about the uk, but its pointless really. You have made your mind up thats its horrible due to one place and thats that.

Dont get it at all. I would have gone years ago as soon as I was old enough to go on my own if I loved it that much and hated it here that much.
MY husband loves it here, and he spent the first 29 years of his life in Oz. I guess you only see what you want to see, the many positives or the few negatives . I would rather live here that anywhere in the world, the people are so great, tough, earnest, funny, polite and generous. If I HAD to move, it would be to Canada, my second choice. Have a few relatives there.

I want to make something very clear, I am not a tourist I am semi-resident with a bank account, ID card, registered address, and a passport, you presume that when I go I live like a tourist, but I don't I barely come across any tourists and live more like a local in village / country life not resort life, I am fully conversant with the reality of Maltese life as I read the press daily, listen to the radio, and speak frequently with people over there, I am no fool and have my finger firmly on the pulse of reality, we were due to buy a place 10 years ago and we were planning on moving, but my mum started having strokes then eventually died and by the time the dust had settled the imputus had gone and we were grieving for her quite badly so the moment had passed and I was just happy to be with my wife no matter where we were, it switched a light on in our heads and I thought it very unfair to ask my wife to move abroad when she had both her parents still alive so we ditched our plans to move and while we visited frequently the plans to move were abandoned so my wife could stay close to her parents as the entire scenario had changed by that time, the plan was to retire early and spend 6 months of the year over there and here, so much for that for now.

Yes Malta has it's problems as with any country, but as it's such as small country it's problems are small compared to somewhere like the uk which is much larger, a lot of the problems are caused by the influx of illegal immigrants from North Africa (il-immigranti illegalli) who swamp the already crowded Island's yet expect to be paid for by the already hard pressed Maltese economy and tax payer.

Please take in to consideration that our country is the 4th most densely populated country on earth and we struggle to accommodate all the pressure the invasion by sea brings, it isn't just recent this has been on-going for many years a long time before it hit the popular news here in the UK, but our economy is fragile although a fully fledged member of the EU and Ewrozone we still feel the weight of the invasion as Italy and the EU has only just started helping us with the burden over the last few years.

I am glad you husband likes the uk, but he is not me or vice versa I personally don't ever want to go to Oz although plenty of my fellow countrymen have done, I pay my taxes and I work hard, this makes me a fully paid up club member with an entitlement to my views, don't forget I don't live here free of charge, therefore I can say what I think or feel about the country I currently live in especially at this very sensitive time of my life when I yearn for the happier times I spent in the place I love the most with the woman I used to love the most.

I think one of my obvious reasons for feeling unhappy and unsettled is my marital situation, I don't even know who I am any more, I now feel useless and impotent, I don't feel any purpose in life any more nor do I know where I belong in the world, I used to be a husband and I think I was a good husband, that sense of purpose and sense of being has been taken from me, no wonder I feel so lost and dissolusioned with life, every morning I wake, pull back the curtains, and I am stuck exactly in the same place both physically and emotionally 24 hours previously, this is why I think a big change would do me good, I am in a rut here now, when she was here I didn't think too much about it but now I am alone it hits me like a hammer blow frequently, we are now in late summer, this time last year I was still in shock but had hope that it was a blip and we can sort it eventually, now 12 months on the situation feels worse and more permanent the longer we are apart, so I need to do something to change my life for the better and if that means biting the bullet and moving abroad to try a new life then so be it, I admit it scares me but so do a lot of things these days, all I know is things must change if nothing more than for my own sanity.

[ralfgarnett]

"Not sure why you need to win any money"

Simple, because if I won a few million then I could leave here almost instantly, take out what items I needed for now and buy a new place out of town for cash, then keep this place for storage for now emptying it bit by bit, until such time as I could just sell the place outright quickly to a property developer for cash, stash that along with my lottery win then turn my back on here for ever, off I toddle in to the wild blue yonder and never look back at this place again, and I wouldn't tell her where I had gone.

[Lindentree1]

At the very least take a vacation. It really sounds like you need a break.