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Old 3rd April 2013, 02:08 PM   #1
allatsea
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Wife left me for her new boss

Hi,
I've just registered on this forum and I'm desperate for advice. We've been together for 19 years, married for 9 and have two children (6 and 8)

I found out about her affair with her boss on the 10th Feb. She told me she needed some space so I stayed at my Dads for a few weeks but I emailed her offering the opportunity to reconcile. I then find out that her idea of space was so she could have him round some evenings. I turned up unannounced one Sunday evening and caught him in my house having been there all day and playing with my children. The kids were in bed but not asleep. They were drinking my wine in front of my TV and were surprised to have been caught but not bothered. At this point I told her I was moving back in as I didn't want him coming round. She tells me that she refuses to live under the same roof and within a week she and him have rented a new house nearby and taken my children. They have been in their new house now for 1.5 weeks. She tells me that she was never happy, loves this man more than ever etc etc. She's in the affair bubble. This man has offered to take her and the children on even though he has never lived with children and doesn't know what's in store.

My question is: Am I a fool for holding out hope that her bubble will burst and she will start to realise what she's done? I am trying to do the 180 plan where I maintain no contact (apart from children related things) and it's killing me. I love her so much, I'm shot to bits and the only thing keeping me functioning is the thought of their relationship falling apart and us reconciling, which she says will never happen.

It's all so fast. They only starting having feelings for each other at work since November and became intimate just before Christmas. By March 21st she was living with him.

Any advice please? In desperation

Thanks

Last edited by allatsea; 3rd April 2013 at 02:22 PM.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 03:37 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

I am so sorry that you are going through this sudden HELL...that was a horrible thing to have to come home to and their cavalier attitude about this was heartless and cruel. I would not want a spouse who is capable of doing this and would never trust her again.

Yes, I suppose you can do that...hold out hope that their new life will fizzle out and that the OM will become uncomfortable with your children...but I would not bank on that.

Your children are very young and because of that, they are much easier to get to behave (unlike teens who would not put up with this)...so I doubt there will be problems with them there. Your wife will insure that they are always on their best behavior.

It is unlikely that things will crumble between them any time soon, and even if it did...is this all you can hold out hope for? That in itself does not mean she will suddenly love you just because it crumbles with the OM does it?

You just lost your wife and children (for the most part) to this affair and lack of moral character...and are left with an empty house and too much time to think and feel the impact. That is why you want to hold out hope that their relationship will fizzle rather than dealing directly with trying to get some equilibrium in your own emotions another way.

I would get into counseling QUICKLY rather than looking for her to have change of heart...because that can take YEARS, if ever. Looking (wishing) for signs that she is unhappy or made a mistake will consume your every thought and cause you to read all sorts of things into that...but it still wont insure that she will repent or love you again. So I think that your best course of action is to get help for your own emotional stability first and foremost. You have a major bleed in a major artery...that must be stopped first.

How long has she/he been at the same work place? I don't buy that they have just started having feelings for each other since November.

Kindest Regards
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Old 3rd April 2013, 03:52 PM   #3
chosen
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Its so painful when a marriage ends like this. I am so sorry. The liklihood is that this will not last, affairs rarely do, but do you really want a woman back who doesnt care about you and you cant trust? One who thinks so little of the marriage vows she made that she can just up and leave? A man who can destroy a marriage is rarely a reliable partner. He will probably go on to the next women in a few years(if they last that long).

People who lie and cheat will always say they were never happy.They use it as an excuse to do what they want.
They barely know each other, they are still in that 'lust' mode and when the reality sets in of the fact that he is having to deal with another mans children, he may well change his mind. Moving in after a few weeks is quite honestly totally mad.

My advise is to seek legal help and fight for custody of the children. Why should you loose them when you have done nothing wrong? Let them be your priority now.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 04:21 PM   #4
allatsea
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Thank you for your replies.
As hard as it is for me to hear, I think you're right that the affair may take a long time to fizzle out, if ever, and even then she may not return to me.
Her boss only started working there in May and I've seen emails that confirm that it was professional between them until October when the email flirting became innappropriate. I know that in an ideal world he would rather have my wife without the children but has to accept that the children are part of her baggage if he wants to have her. The children don't really mean much to him and I think that his new, ready made family will come as a shock. No longer will they be able to lie in, be spontaneous, have lazy days, sneak around and be secretive. But she will ensure that she protects him from the worst of it at her expense.
Frustratingly, I would have little possibility of getting custody of the children when she has flexible working arrangements to fit around school. No judge in this country will award the father custody if the mother is considered a fit parent. Ironically, she hasn't considered the children at all in this decision. Within the space of a few short weeks her two children have seen her in bed with Daddy followed by being in bed with someone else. Not nice.

I have to assume that her relationship will succeed, that she doesn't deserve someone who had been devoted to our family, and that I am better off without her. It's just so painful. She's currently happy and excited at the prospect of a new life and I'm in the depths of despair and cry every day.

Statistically their relationship is doomed, especially as they work together. I have to keep things cordial but distant. God, it hurts.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 04:41 PM   #5
Forever
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Yes, it hurts like no other pain...but it does pass over time. Use that time to get yourself healed one day at a time. There IS LIFE awaiting you on the other side of this.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 04:59 PM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Dear allatsea...

I Think you have your head on right about all the issues. Regardless of her immoral behavior, you stand little chance to win sole custody of the children in todays' standards. I would have her served with divorce papers promptly and get your shared custody and visitation details spelled out so those issues are not at her option. Anytime that guy figures he had enough he can walk, so she is out on a plank where that is concerned. A guy who would step into a husbands' shoes and hang out in his home sounds wacko and suicidal to me. That relationship may cool quickly. Yes, statistics say that it is most likely not to last.

Take her back if it doesn't work? I wouldn't take that one back on a bet! You are better off without such a partner. The only thing that is good from this mess is that the kids aren't older to put all those pictures together into what was going on there. A really sad time for you and really sorry for your pain. Go deal with your issues to heal and get all the papers in order. You need to make sure she is off all accounts you share. Don't be Mr. Nice Guy, and do see your kids as often as possible.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 3rd April 2013 at 09:25 PM.
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Old 3rd April 2013, 07:40 PM   #7
allatsea
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Thanks again. It's supportive to know that others know exactly how I feel. I'm just sorry that we have, or are, going through it.

I've lost my wife, best friend, hopes and dreams to raise my children, in-laws and have to watch a stranger spend more time with my children than I do. The betrayal and subsequent lies gnaw away at me every day, too.

The children are my only reason for carrying on, to be honest

Last edited by allatsea; 4th April 2013 at 08:59 AM.
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Old 5th April 2013, 01:01 PM   #8
Raymond
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

We have rarely seen it as cut and dried as this Allatsea. Your wife sounds heartless to be honest. If it doesn't work out with him how could you make a life with her again after this?
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Old 7th April 2013, 12:11 AM   #9
allatsea
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

I have to agree. It's pretty damning. There are zero signs of remorse or regret but then again she's still completely 'in love' but I'm still surprised by the cold, heartless and defensive behaviour that I am subjected to. She's a complete stranger that I don't recognise. I thought I knew this person....
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Old 7th April 2013, 12:32 AM   #10
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

I think you would be better off not to initiate any unnecessary contact with her...use emails whenever possible so that you do not have to hear "attitude" and so that you are not tempted to grovel.
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Old 7th April 2013, 12:34 AM   #11
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Find out what the maximum time that you can have your children is...and go for it.
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Old 8th April 2013, 07:44 AM   #12
allatsea
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

The only thing she seems to be reasonable about is access to the children. I am very close to them and they miss me. I also realise that when I have the children she and him are able to have time alone for just them, which I am sure he prefers. I wish my wife and I had had the opportunity of two days a week to ourselves where we could have a lie in and simply read a paper.

Since she moved out there has been little contact. Only one face to face meeting. Everything is discussed via text. Even the text has an attitude about it. I avoid talking and seeing her when the boys are collected and dropped off. It protects me from more pain.

I'm just trying to disconnect as much as possible but it was my sons birthday on Saturday and I had to return them before lunch. Wife had arranged a family gathering with my in-laws and they were all there waiting. I had to drive off knowing that her new man was taking my place and the family I had known for 19 years weren't there to see me. That was hard.

It's still very early days and the wounds are still deep. I can be alright one minute and then devastated the next. It still feels like a really bad dream.
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Old 8th April 2013, 01:13 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Quote:
Originally Posted by allatsea View Post
The only thing she seems to be reasonable about is access to the children. I am very close to them and they miss me. I also realise that when I have the children she and him are able to have time alone for just them, which I am sure he prefers. I wish my wife and I had had the opportunity of two days a week to ourselves where we could have a lie in and simply read a paper.

Since she moved out there has been little contact. Only one face to face meeting. Everything is discussed via text. Even the text has an attitude about it. I avoid talking and seeing her when the boys are collected and dropped off. It protects me from more pain.

I'm just trying to disconnect as much as possible but it was my sons birthday on Saturday and I had to return them before lunch. Wife had arranged a family gathering with my in-laws and they were all there waiting. I had to drive off knowing that her new man was taking my place and the family I had known for 19 years weren't there to see me. That was hard.

It's still very early days and the wounds are still deep. I can be alright one minute and then devastated the next. It still feels like a really bad dream.
Yes of course it is. Loosing a spouse this way can be often even worse than if they had died, because you have the rejection to deal with, you loose full time contact with your children, and you usually loose that relationship with all of the inlaws .Also many men move out of the family home as well.
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Old 8th April 2013, 03:26 PM   #14
allatsea
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

Does anyone know if UK law would frown on a spouse who takes two young children and immediately shacks up with her boyfriend? Divorce process has not even started yet!
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Old 8th April 2013, 03:28 PM   #15
chosen
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Re: Wife left me for her new boss

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Originally Posted by allatsea View Post
Does anyone know if UK law would frown on a spouse who takes two young children and immediately shacks up with her boyfriend? Divorce process has not even started yet!
Uk law is mainly concerned about making sure the children are cared for and provided for, and that is the main concern.
I think that adultery is sadly so common today, that its not usually taken into account.
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