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Old 16th May 2013, 10:10 AM   #256
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Freddie.....beautiful 28 year old foreign woman interested in men from the UK or America=scam. For sure.
Believe me I was on dating site for 2 years I have seen it all. All men on dating sites get contacted by these women(who in most cases arent even real, but have been made up by scammers and conmen).
If you HAVE to start dating now(which is very foolish in my view and is upsetting your daughter when she is already very troubled)stick to women from the UK. However scammers even pose as women from the UK, so look up websites that warn of the different dating site scams.
I dont know why you are doing this when your concern now needs to be for your children and for their security and well being. Your girls NEED to live in a secure home with the three of you for some time. At the VERY least wait till you are divorced and are living separately.

Read these.

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/internet-dating-scams.shtml

http://www.safefromscams.co.uk/OnlineDatingFraud.html

Last edited by chosen; 16th May 2013 at 11:10 AM.
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Old 16th May 2013, 12:19 PM   #257
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Quote:
Originally Posted by chosen View Post
Freddie.....beautiful 28 year old foreign woman interested in men from the UK or America=scam. For sure.
Believe me I was on dating site for 2 years I have seen it all. All men on dating sites get contacted by these women(who in most cases arent even real, but have been made up by scammers and conmen).
If you HAVE to start dating now(which is very foolish in my view and is upsetting your daughter when she is already very troubled)stick to women from the UK. However scammers even pose as women from the UK, so look up websites that warn of the different dating site scams.
I dont know why you are doing this when your concern now needs to be for your children and for their security and well being. Your girls NEED to live in a secure home with the three of you for some time. At the VERY least wait till you are divorced and are living separately.

Read these.

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/internet-dating-scams.shtml

http://www.safefromscams.co.uk/OnlineDatingFraud.html
Don't worry Chosen, I already know all about scams and how to find out who is a scammer. I said that I am using the only website that has a reputation for filtering out scammers and they will even investigate the ladies for you. They will go as far as going to meet them in person and report back to you.

I do not really want to deviate the discussion towards foreign women scams or sites. I only mentioned it to discuss this in relation to my attempts to get my wife back and my daughter's attitude.

However, as I said it, I am just starting to look as it can take a long time to find a new partner and I need to know that can find another wife so as to avoid clinging to my wife. This may help me to prevent her from pushing me further away.

I feel an obligation not to upset my daughter and avoid a change of heart in her if and when they ask her who she wants to live with. I do not feel any obligation towards my wife in terms of who I start talking to. She may have someone to go to when this is over and I don't plus I did not cheat on her.

My wife is going to start missing me pretty soon after I am gone (but not in bed). She keeps asking me to print documents, repair things, take her everywhere by car (she does not drive and has no car), take and pick up the girls everywhere, look after them when working or job hunting. She has even had the cheek to leave me looking after the girls when she has gone to meet the bugger. This last thing will be clearly exposed in the divorce court hearings. And the most important thing: "can I have some money". She owes already 3 months rent in this house, plus bills etc. and no job. I hope the bugger realises that now, like me in the past, he has to spend money on her, not on nice restaurants and week-ends away but on gas bills and rent when she is not even with him. Reality is knocking on the door for him.
Talk about scammers.

Last edited by freddie; 16th May 2013 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 16th May 2013, 12:59 PM   #258
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Interesting about the scammers Chosen. I didn't really know about that.

Freddie if you are leaving the home what about the children?
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Old 16th May 2013, 01:52 PM   #259
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Interesting about the scammers Chosen. I didn't really know about that.

Freddie if you are leaving the home what about the children?
There is another possible dispute coming. The court allowed me to come back to the house every day from 7:30 AM to 6PM to look after the girls while my wife is out at work. Then I will have them every other week-end. But now that my wife has lost her job, if she does not have a job or changes her hours when I leave I will insist that I am allowed to be with the girls between those hours and she will whinge that I should not be there as I am not needed as a babysitter! It could be a ploy by my wife but she is actively looking for another job. She just cannot hold her jobs and now relationships with her children and men.
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Old 16th May 2013, 02:53 PM   #260
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Quote:
Originally Posted by freddie View Post
Don't worry Chosen, I already know all about scams and how to find out who is a scammer. I said that I am using the only website that has a reputation for filtering out scammers and they will even investigate the ladies for you. They will go as far as going to meet them in person and report back to you.

I do not really want to deviate the discussion towards foreign women scams or sites. I only mentioned it to discuss this in relation to my attempts to get my wife back and my daughter's attitude.

However, as I said it, I am just starting to look as it can take a long time to find a new partner and I need to know that can find another wife so as to avoid clinging to my wife. This may help me to prevent her from pushing me further away.

I feel an obligation not to upset my daughter and avoid a change of heart in her if and when they ask her who she wants to live with. I do not feel any obligation towards my wife in terms of who I start talking to. She may have someone to go to when this is over and I don't plus I did not cheat on her.

My wife is going to start missing me pretty soon after I am gone (but not in bed). She keeps asking me to print documents, repair things, take her everywhere by car (she does not drive and has no car), take and pick up the girls everywhere, look after them when working or job hunting. She has even had the cheek to leave me looking after the girls when she has gone to meet the bugger. This last thing will be clearly exposed in the divorce court hearings. And the most important thing: "can I have some money". She owes already 3 months rent in this house, plus bills etc. and no job. I hope the bugger realises that now, like me in the past, he has to spend money on her, not on nice restaurants and week-ends away but on gas bills and rent when she is not even with him. Reality is knocking on the door for him.
Talk about scammers.
So you must find another woman to avoid hanging onto your wife? Why is that? Can you not manage alone for a while like millions of others do, just being a single dad? You daughters need stability and security and not you dating other women (especially from another country) who may or may not be scams and who may or may not be around for long and who may or may not be decent women?

Jumping into another relationship far too quickly, nearly always ends in disaster and another divorce, remembering that 60% of second marriages end in divorce anyway.
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Old 16th May 2013, 05:52 PM   #261
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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So you must find another woman to avoid hanging onto your wife? Why is that? Can you not manage alone for a while like millions of others do, just being a single dad? You daughters need stability and security and not you dating other women (especially from another country) who may or may not be scams and who may or may not be around for long and who may or may not be decent women?

Jumping into another relationship far too quickly, nearly always ends in disaster and another divorce, remembering that 60% of second marriages end in divorce anyway.
Say that to my wife, who came and talked to me about leaving me and her daughters after meeting the bugger 2 months earlier.

What is the percentage of first marriages that end in divorce then?

It is precisely because you need quite a bit of time to develop a relationship that I thought I would start exploring soon. I may put it on hold, for a little while, (I haven't really started talking seriously to the lady anyhow) only for the benefit of my daughters.

The may or may nots apply to women of any country, not just from her country.
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Old 16th May 2013, 06:13 PM   #262
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Say that to my wife, who came and talked to me about leaving me and her daughters after meeting the bugger 2 months earlier.

What is the percentage of first marriages that end in divorce then?

It is precisely because you need quite a bit of time to develop a relationship that I thought I would start exploring soon. I may put it on hold, for a little while, (I haven't really started talking seriously to the lady anyhow) only for the benefit of my daughters.

The may or may nots apply to women of any country, not just from her country.
Its far far easier to have a relationship with someone local then to have one with a person who lives in another country. I am not against marrying someone from another country, after all my husband is Australian, but he lived here when I met him and had done for 18 years. My older two children had relationships with people(who they are now married to) who lived 2-3 hours drive away and they all found that very difficult. Far harder to get to know someone properly who lives a plane ride away(and guess who will be paying for the ticket!)

I have never understood why people look for spouses in another country. There are so many lovely people here, but maybe I never will understand it.

Jim Smoke is a man who started the Divorce recovery workshops. He has counselled countless people who were divorcing or who were divorced. He has also seen many remarry. His advise based on what he has learnt is to wait 2-3 years after the divorce before starting a new relationship.He said that so many will jump into a new marriage far too soon before they are emotionally ready, and they often end in disaster.

I believe the divorce rate in the UK for first marriages is 30%. So the divorce rate for second marriages is double, with only one in three lasting. I am on my second marriage (very happily married for over 7 years now) but I was a single mum for 6 years before we met. There is no way I was emotionally ready or healed enough for the first 3-4 years. I was far too busy looking after my three kids, and helping them to deal with the trauma.
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Old 16th May 2013, 08:30 PM   #263
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

That thing about people who re-marry after divorcing my wife also told me once but that was before all this started. However, I understand that many re-marry after having had one or more relationships, instead of staying lonely. Then they realise that the grass wasn't greener elsewhere after all and that they lost their real love for a fling.
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Old 16th May 2013, 08:38 PM   #264
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Originally Posted by chosen View Post

I have never understood why people look for spouses in another country. There are so many lovely people here, but maybe I never will understand it.

.
For the simple reason that the fact that a potential spouse lives next door does not necessarily mean that they have got more in common with you than somebody who lives 4000 miles away. And I identify far more with women from Eastern Europe than from the West. I have said before that I have been interested in the culture of the former Soviet Union since I was a teenager. It is no coincidence that I go there looking for a partner. No offence to your husband but an Australian woman would be at the very bottom of the women I would consider as a wife.
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Old 17th May 2013, 10:43 AM   #265
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

I would like advice about asking the wife directly to end the relationship with the OM, this time for good.

I have been adviced to follow a 'plan A' as described in this link, in a attempt to lead to reconciliation with the wife.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

According to the plan A, which I am following with my wife, the first target is to separate her from the affair for good with good behaviour and polite approaches. I have been showing the good behaviour and polite approaches, however my wife is going ahead with the divorce and I am not saying no to it. We have been treating each other with civility but she still refuses to communicate fully (she told a friend that I have been trying to engage with her). I sent her an e-mail about my moving out and told her that I did not want to argue with her anylonger, about anything, for instance about the things I will take. In the past few days she has tested me a few times for disagreements that could lead to an argument and I always managed to diffuse it, I just discussed the matter calmly and I came to an agreement with her, she even looked surprised.

However she keeps texting the bugger like she needs to get her fix of him every day, especially now that she is feeling down as she is losing her job today and in the middle of the bad period she usually gets. She is also feeling the pinch, in terms of money, even before I leave.

I was thinking about asking her directly and politely to end the relationship (with Dr Harley's approach), if not for me, then for her children and her (before she gets hurt again). I thought I would ask her befor moving out, and if she does not, then move to plan B when I move out.

What do you think?
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Old 17th May 2013, 12:57 PM   #266
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

If you ask her politely to stop the affair she will stop it and begin to be a good wife. I think not.

How could you ever trust her again without her sincere repentance over what she has done?
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Old 17th May 2013, 03:59 PM   #267
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Quote:
Originally Posted by freddie View Post
For the simple reason that the fact that a potential spouse lives next door does not necessarily mean that they have got more in common with you than somebody who lives 4000 miles away. And I identify far more with women from Eastern Europe than from the West. I have said before that I have been interested in the culture of the former Soviet Union since I was a teenager. It is no coincidence that I go there looking for a partner. No offence to your husband but an Australian woman would be at the very bottom of the women I would consider as a wife.
Have you known many Australian women then? I have and they are lovely(as are Australian men).
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Old 17th May 2013, 04:06 PM   #268
chosen
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Quote:
Originally Posted by freddie View Post
I would like advice about asking the wife directly to end the relationship with the OM, this time for good.

I have been adviced to follow a 'plan A' as described in this link, in a attempt to lead to reconciliation with the wife.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

According to the plan A, which I am following with my wife, the first target is to separate her from the affair for good with good behaviour and polite approaches. I have been showing the good behaviour and polite approaches, however my wife is going ahead with the divorce and I am not saying no to it. We have been treating each other with civility but she still refuses to communicate fully (she told a friend that I have been trying to engage with her). I sent her an e-mail about my moving out and told her that I did not want to argue with her anylonger, about anything, for instance about the things I will take. In the past few days she has tested me a few times for disagreements that could lead to an argument and I always managed to diffuse it, I just discussed the matter calmly and I came to an agreement with her, she even looked surprised.

However she keeps texting the bugger like she needs to get her fix of him every day, especially now that she is feeling down as she is losing her job today and in the middle of the bad period she usually gets. She is also feeling the pinch, in terms of money, even before I leave.

I was thinking about asking her directly and politely to end the relationship (with Dr Harley's approach), if not for me, then for her children and her (before she gets hurt again). I thought I would ask her befor moving out, and if she does not, then move to plan B when I move out.

What do you think?
Well you can tell her that you are giving her one more chance to do the right thing before you and your money leave.
I am far more concerned for your daughters who are living in the turmoil of not knowing who their mum or dad is going to end up with, and where they are going to end up living, and which new partners (and maybe their child/children) will be forced on them.
When my marriage ended suddenly, my ONLY concern was for them, and their security and their well being. The last thing they needed was another man who they didn't know on the scene.
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Old 17th May 2013, 04:26 PM   #269
freddie
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

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Well you can tell her that you are giving her one more chance to do the right thing before you and your money leave.
I am far more concerned for your daughters who are living in the turmoil of not knowing who their mum or dad is going to end up with, and where they are going to end up living, and which new partners (and maybe their child/children) will be forced on them.
When my marriage ended suddenly, my ONLY concern was for them, and their security and their well being. The last thing they needed was another man who they didn't know on the scene.
Yes my daughter protested when I told her that this woman in the website had a 4 year old boy (scammers will not put men off with children).

That my daughters could end up with this man, that my 9 year old absolutely hates, is what I am trying to avoid by working on reconciliation, custody, town of residence and other things in parallel; see which one works.

My 9 year old does not want a new daddy or a new mummy, she does not even want her own mummy (I am far from putting this idea in her head). All she wants is the two girls and me living together. Yesterday she went to see houses with me to choose which one she wants to live in but I had to tell her that it may not happen for a while.
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Old 18th May 2013, 10:27 AM   #270
Raymond
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Re: How to see our married life through my wife's eyes

Unfortunately you would have more chance in the courts if you had another woman. The law is an ass it seems.

My question is do you have to go to court? Could you not settle things between you. Even with her access things would not develop very well if they don't like her. These days divorce is granted just on consent in some instances, although I am not an expert on it. The main problem here is the children being able to stay with you. The actual marriage is finished as far as I can see.

If it did go to court wouldn't they listen to what the children actually wanted?

I can understand that you don't want to fight a court battle over it. Much better if you can come to an agreement.
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