Site Areas
Wedding Centre
Health Club
Marriage Clinic
Chapel
University
Citizen's Centre
Coffee Shop
Admin Centre

Contents
Articles
Books
CDs / Videos
Tips
Services

Resources
Forums
Membership
Contact Us
Site map
Link to Us

Search

Take the Couple Check-up!

Marriage Week UK

Marriage first aid

Online support for your marriage

Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet


Home > Forums
2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums  

Go Back   2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums > Advice > Marriage Help

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th April 2005, 12:43 AM   #1
sushi
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Hi. The problem I'm having is dealing with my wife's past sexual exploits... her past relationships don't bother me... she's 34 and I'm 38, and we've only been together for 2 and a half years... of course she's had 10 or so previous relationships by the time we met... it's all the one night stands, and the affair she had with a married man that bother me... I made the mistake of reading a diary she had left lying around - it was from the year previous to us meeting up - and she screwed 10 different guys in 6 months... I now don't want her anywhere near me, and refuse to sleep in the same bed as her... we've already got a child, and another is on the way, and I don't know what to do... she lied to me about her past, and now I feel duped... we're both very angry and depressed...
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2005, 01:38 AM   #2
roppelt
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

that was kind of dumb on your part...reading you wifes diary. anyway you owe your wife big timesay your sorry . it seems she turned over a new leaf when she meet you and you should be greatfull go get the book 10 stupid things men do to mess up their lives by DR.laura slesinger it will be available in most book stores and she has a great series of books that will help the both of you.
  Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2005, 07:06 PM   #3
Concerned Reader
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 59
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Dear Sushi

'Lied' is a very strong word to use of someone who already disclosed a fair clutch of previous relationships. However, I suppose if you asked directly if that was all, or if there was anyone else she wanted to mention, and she said 'no', and her answer would have made a material difference to your decision to marry, then it would explain the depth of your annoyance now.

But if she had handed over the diary prior to your marriage, would it have made any difference to you? I'm afraid I don't quite get why you are more upset by the very short-term relationships as opposed to the quite short-term relationships; in the end she chose you.

As for the married man...well, that's nothing to be proud of, for sure, but the ending of the affair just shows what a rotten idea it was. It's a shame she had to learn that the hard way, but with luck she will have understood why adultery and complicity with it is such a shoddy business. I think I would have kept quiet about that one.

What is a little harder to understand is why she left a diary laying around. You didn't go digging for it, did you? The usual explanation for 'leaks' is that the person wants to put something out as knowledge, but doesn't want to force someone else to know it, if they would rather not. Determined liars usually take the elementary precaution of either not writing a diary at all, or destroy any inconvenient records, or just make a careful note of exactly what they said and stick to it. As liars go, your W is not really trying. It is more like she is giving you the opportunity to decide how much you wish to know. In my opinion, this would be a good time to lose your reading glasses and suffer a temporary loss of memory.

Another explanation is that diaries often contain a good measure of wishful thinking tending to fantasy. Not having read the diary, I couldn't possibly guess which this is, but in the days before she met you there may have been a temptation to write things as if they had happened when in actual fact, they didn't. You may have noticed people tend to say things such as ''And I told him, I said...' but if you had been standing there, you would have heard nothing of the sort. Diaries work the same way; if your W fantasized about a 'Sex and the City' lifestyle, then the quickest way to get one was just to make one up. She may never have forseen the day when it would be read as a true account of her year. You could attach as much significance to it as you would to a copy of 'Bridget Jones', and if any of the episodes looks suspiciously as if they have been on telly, that's probably exactly where they came from.

The main convention with the partner's life before marriage, is that it doesn't count. It's a handy convention, protecting both partners from regrettable indiscretions, temporary lapses of judgement etc.

You are married to someone you were happy with before you read this stupid diary. You are about to be a father for the second time. It is not to your advantage to have pointless ghosts rise up and haunt your present, thereby damaging your future. Shove 'em back in their coffins, and let 'em stay in the past, which is their proper place - if they ever happend at all.
Concerned Reader is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2005, 09:41 AM   #4
Vikkki
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Sometimes women mistakenly look to sex in order to fill the need for love. If this is the case you need to love her more not think of her less. If you loved her before, you can still love her now and the person she is now is the culmination of all her past experiences. Having one night stands doesn't make her a bad person and I suspect you may feel intimidated by the number of sexual encounters. It may have been that these one night stands wasn't about sex at all, just a symptom of something else. Often when women have low self esteem they hurt themselves in ways which compound what they already feel ie used and unworthy. Give her a hug and tell her you love her for she is worthy.
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2005, 04:00 PM   #5
London
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Quote:

What is a little harder to understand is why she left a diary laying around.
Actually, the diary wasn'y just "left lying around". It was as far as the W goes, just out. Often, people who write in diaries do so so that they can tell things to themselves - a way of working through things and/or just a way to capture the moment forever. While usually very private, the fact that your W "left it in the open" (unless you actually went snooping for it) was becuase she trusted you to not violate her privacy.

Of course, the fact that you knew of its existence meant that your wife shared with you the fact that she wrote in it. Which means you must have either discussed whether you were "allowed" to read it someday (or not) or you didn't discuss the idea of reading it becuase it was off-limits.

You now have "inside" information you WERE NEVER PRIVY to. Deal. With knowledge comes responsibility. Often, when it comes to diaries, there's no going back. You'll always find something yo don;t like that someone did in their past. You are being incredibly hypocritical in this situation. You are angry at your wife for her *past* relationships even though she chose to marry you and the way you repay her is by VIOLATING her PRIVACY.
In this one example, you come out as the sneaking, snooping, untrusting, very judgemental man that you are. I bet that's not the kinda guy she would *have* married had she known what kind of character you'd turn out.
  Reply With Quote
Old 13th May 2005, 08:56 PM   #6
Alexis
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Hi sushi

I can empathise with you on this a bit. It wasn't a diary I found of H's but photographs of an explicit nature.
We came across them together a year after we met whilst we clearing out his old room to move intogether. I was shocked and upset but it was obviously something way back from his past. He got rid of them anway as they didnt mean anything to him.

The ironic thing for me though is if you have read my thread 'spark' we have decided to go our seperate ways after him leaving me more than once. To make the matters worse, the second time he left me he got in contact with an ex via friends reuntied. The one in the photos. It kind of came back to haunt me.

You are in a very different position to me. My find only bothers me now that H's past is back in his present.
You can keep them back theren in the past and look forward to your new baby with the child and wife you already have. Im sure there has been sexual connections between yourself and other people that your W would not like to know about, which doesn't phase you now in the slightest.

Yeah we all wonder what our partners got up to with ex's ( well I did anyway!) but she is with you now and married YOU.To me thats says everything that her ex's wernt the 'one' and YOU ARE.

Dont make it an issue please. The past is best where it belongs.

Alexis
  Reply With Quote
Old 18th June 2005, 01:08 AM   #7
packerman
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

why do you care? do you think she is cheap.... or are you insecure? woman that have many lovers are often very good lovers... maybe you should be happy? my wife has had many lovers and I am very jealous of the relationships she has had because I wish i was the only one... but the good is she is a very good lover to me now.... i know it is hard but you have a choice.... look for the good or look for the bad... it is probably all about what you want it to be.... best wishes
  Reply With Quote
Old 26th May 2006, 06:20 PM   #8
philpinners
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Why should it bother you about her past?? everyone, and i dont care who you are, has done something that the other person might not like before they met them, but what can you do about it? there is no point in worring about the past because to be honest, the past isnt goin to get any best is it? its what you do today that determains tomorrow. you got akid, and another on its way, what more can you ask for?!? how would you feel if she judged you about anything you did in you're past? even if she sleept with 100+ guys and turned in to a nun, its still not goin to change anything is it?! things we do in the past is what makes us who we are today, and if certain things didnt happen in the past you might not even have met!? how would you feel then?! stop being silly, everyone has skeletons in the closest and stop judging her by her past. if she didnt want you, she certainly wouldnt be having kids with you for sure! a monkey can have sex but making love is what you spend your whole life time doing with the partner you care about. what you have is a beautiful thing and dont let it be ruined because of you getting jealous/angry/depressed because thats what rips people apart and leaves you with nothing. ok. so go give her a kiss and a cuddle and appricate every night like its the first, and everyday like its last and stop being like this.
  Reply With Quote
Old 29th June 2006, 08:47 PM   #9
ziggie
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Interested to read this thread; I am not married but have been with someone for several months. Like me - and everyone - she has a past, which includesa fling with a married man about ayear before she met me. She was very open and honest and told me this in trust. Like Sushi though this has really played on my mind - perhaps because my ex-wife had an affair, whch led ultimately to our marriage break up. However, that was now 20 years ago....!!! I am not talking about her fling with my girlfriend, as I think it is a wider issue I have with dealing with the past, and talking about it anymore would not I think make things any better. I have tried various therapies such as CBT, and now hae started a coaching course. All the advice on here about letting the past go is clear and obvious, yet I find it very difficult to put into practice..... help!!
Ziggie

Last edited by ziggie; 29th June 2006 at 10:25 PM. Reason: slight ambiguity in text
  Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2006, 01:41 PM   #10
confused_by_life_4_2_long
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 17
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

No really.. let it go.. I mean really.. You need to grovel for forgivness on this one..
confused_by_life_4_2_long is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th July 2006, 01:49 PM   #11
Kimberley
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Not sure after my experience you should completely dismiss past adultery and flings I did with my husband thinking the past is the past and we have a new relationship and the slate is clean and then six months into marriage he had an affair with his boss' wife who was a friend of mine. When I spoke to my Solicitor regarding a divorce she said had I not considered his past when I married him and I can honestly say I didnt.


Some times cheaters just like it and dont change.

Kimberley X
  Reply With Quote
Old 4th August 2010, 10:17 PM   #12
california
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1
Cool Re: Trouble dealing with wife's past...

Ummm I know this is an old discussion and the poor guy has probably divorced and re-married by now. But the advice given in these replies from miserable men hating women is sad....Someone even suggested Dr Laura. God nothing could be worse. That’s like suggesting to a death camp inmate that he read “Mein Kampf” to understand why he must die. Just sick. The poor guy found out only after they were married that his wife is a slut. Those habits don’t change and if he wants to live a happy life best get out now. You can forgive but you can’t forget. How does the fact she wrote it in her diary make her behavior acceptable? If he had been in prison for molestation and just didn’t mention it to her world that be “ok” no. Now I’m not equating molestation with sleeping around but to a man it’s about the worst thing a women can do. I’m sure the would have rather found out she was a convicted murder.
california is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 01:58 AM.


Powered by vBulletin®
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.


Top

Copyright ©1999-2024 2-in-2-1 Limited. All rights reserved. Disclaimer