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Old 25th March 2016, 10:00 PM   #1
maz13
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 1
Should I call it quits on my marriage?

Evening, I'm new to the whole forum community and I was hoping to get some advice about my marriage from people who don't know myself or my husband.

Our story is a bit of a long one and so I'll try to keep it a short as possible.

We were in a relationship 2 years before we started to have problems, my husbands behaviour began to change. He became a recluse, had a very negative outlook on life and became depressed. His behaviour towards me changed, he would say things to upset me and leave me in tears whilst he went into another room. I was not allowed to speak to other men without him accusing me of flirting or cheating on him. then I became pregnant and it was the happiest moment of my life, I wanted a child for sometime but his reaction crushed me "Great another mouth to feed". I left the room and cried. There were many occasions during my pregnancy where he let me down but he was brilliant during my labour which was very difficult. Once our daughter was born though his behaviour resorted back, he would snap at me because I was unable to feed her due to my bleeding nipples telling me to just get on with it, I suffered from post natal depression. my husband can't drive and so a colleague was giving him lifts to work during my maternity (we both worked for the same company) and I was fine with this I was very grateful in fact. Then they started going to the gym together, I was fine with this also as I though going to the gym might help my husband feel better about himself (he had gained a lot of weight by this point). But then I was having my dinner one day and the woman who was giving him lifts sent me a text message saying that she thinks I should tell him to put his phone down and get some rest! He had been sending her messages in secret, she reassured me that nothing un toward was happening but he had obviously been keeping this a secret from me and I didn't see how he needed to be messaging her when he already worked with her all day, travelled with her to work and went to the gym with her and so I asked him to stop the texting, he told me he would. He didn't! another few months past and she rang me to say she wouldn't be able to give him lifts to work anymore, the reason her partner didn't like him texting her all the time! I confronted him about this he denied it so I asked him to show me his phone when he said no I knew he was lying. I was very angry at the deception but I forgave him. We continued to struggle and by now our wedding date was slowly creeping upon us. Our wedding day was awful his behaviour completely ruined it for us, I'm not going to go into to details but it was everything a wedding should not be! after we were married nothing changed, stupidly I thought it may make him feel more secure in us but nope, he continued his behaviour and he had very little to do with he up brining of our daughter as he was never really present. At this point I realised a big change was required for us to be able to work through it so I suggested that we move back to our home town, family would be around to help us out with the little one and we would have more time to spend together as a couple. He was dubious but we sold our house, handed in notice on our jobs and moved home. Having no home to move into we moved in with my parents who are not always the easiest of people to live with but they put us up rent free until we could find our own place. I took a job in a café to start bringing money in (I'm a TA) but he flat out refused to take a job he didn't want until something better came up. My parents came to see the dynamics of our relationship and how much I was controlled by him and how bitter he was. My dad told me that he no longer respected my husband and now disliked him a lot. He was my husband though and so I said nothing. Just after Christmas my sister asked to speak to me in private, she handed me her phone displaying her Facebook messages. My husband had been sending her messages telling her how sexy her eyes were and how she deserved a good guy and she was more attractive than she thought. I approached him about it, he lied and I told him to leave my parents house. His behaviour became more bitter towards me he blamed me for his behaviour, he was then diagnosed with depression and this was apparently the reason behind his behaviour. Overtime time after attending some counselling sessions with him I got through it and gave him another try. By this time myself and my daughter had moved into our own home and after some time he moved in with us. Then a month later I received a message from the woman who used to give him lifts to work saying how sorry she was to hear we had separated and there's something she wanted to tell me!! (my husband had been in contact with people from our old workplace and told them) She said that the real reason she had stopped giving him lifts was because he tried to kiss her and that I should also speak to another colleague of his. When I contacted the other colleague it turns out whilst we were trying to reconcile our marriage before he moved back in with us he and she had been sending very pornographic images to one another!!! I confronted him, he lied, I asked him to move out, there's very much a pattern to things. for 2 months he refused to see our daughter saying it was too hard and he needed to work on himself, missing both her birthday and Christmas. He was very nasty to me during this time and said some very hurtful things about how I had destroyed his life and I was an evil callous bitch etc. Then out of the blue he asked to see her again, of course I let him, I want them to have a good relationship regardless of the state of our marriage. He asked if there was any chance of us reconciling, I said no but was stupidly beginning to consider it. How ever, having been stung by him so many times before I was dubious and so when he was here visiting our daughter I looked at his phone and saw very flirtatious messages to another woman implying meeting up for sex. We are not together so he is able to see whom ever he wants but the idea that he was trying to win me back and saying nice things to me whilst also messaging this woman did not make me feel very good, any shred of self esteem remaining within me dwindled. I was honest and told him I looked at his messages and that I wasn't happy about them he said they're innocent he was never going to meet up with her and they're friends and implied that I always have a problem with him having female friends.
That's it folks, sorry for waffling on, does anybody have any helpful advice?
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Old 25th March 2016, 11:07 PM   #2
Raymond
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,409
Re: Should I call it quits on my marriage?

Sadly this man is an adulterer. Even if he fails in his intentions that is what is in his heart. No marriage can last with this kind of deception unless he changed by a miracle. My advice is to accept that. As soon as you accept that and have a funeral for him the sooner your healing will come.

As for him being the father of your daughter he has some kind of right but he should be watched in my view.
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Old 26th March 2016, 06:31 PM   #3
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Should I call it quits on my marriage?

I am afraid you have married an immoral, cheating, controlling, lying, adulterer. I cant see what choice you have but end the marriage legally and move on.
Please be careful next time, there were so many red flags before you married but you went ahead anyway.
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