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Old 14th June 2010, 09:15 PM   #46
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

I think my H is behaving so selfishly and that is how I come to the conclusion every times that he can't love me nor care for me. (and more to the point ever really has done).
Lord knows why that irritates him so much but all I can think is if he cared for me even on a human civil level, why be mean to me, say hurtful things and also allow other people to behave the same towards me? I think what your OH says about your deaf ear is very mean indeed wiggle. Mine says I'm only nice as an act to make people THINK I'm kind not because I am actually kind (and like helping others). So if I complain against this kind of stealth criticism it then makes it look like I'm complaining too much and therefore he must be right!

It's exhausting.

He is a waste of space and I feel betrayed. That saddens me so much because I know I deserve better treatment than this. All of my good friends and family have been so supportive and I am fortunate to have them. They all tell me how talented and funny and kind and nice I'm being about it and how well I have coped so far with him but all reiterate that it IS all about him and for as long as he thinks the grass is greener he will not get better in any way until he realises that it isn't. With being surrounded (by choice) by types of people who are deceitful, two faced and immature he isn't likely to get any better either.

I think the one person who has never let him down is me. This is what I deserve is it?

What a sad state of things aye?

I can't move out properly into my own place unless he is willing to sign a form to say we are legally separated as I can't afford to stay in my own place The very thought of it makes a knot in the pit of my stomach. I'll have to get benefits That makes me feel worse.

I'll also have to move up to my parents area as there is nothing keeping me down south really. The 2 friends I do have I don't often see as they're both such busy bees. Also my business is up this way so it would make financial sense if nothing else. All my other friends are up here so at least I'll have them a little bit. I just feel a bit of an outsider as I moved away ten years ago and now I could be coming back they all have children and well I don't. There isn't much up here as it's a small market town. Feel lonely and defeated. Probably feeling sorry for myself too.


So here i sit and what can I do on a Monday evening.
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Old 14th June 2010, 11:29 PM   #47
JWD
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Re: I want to understand

hey you, how you feeling now?

You are coping so well considering. Be proud of yourself.

It is exhausting isn't it. It's amazing how they turn it into our fault. All I ever got was "I'm just unhappy, don't know why but I know it's definitely you" pffffffffffft.

It's rotten the feeling of emotional insecurity coupled with the prospect of financial insecurity, but somehow, you'll survive. You're a smart, smart woman, with the patience of a saint.

Why not try getting back in touch with some of your friends back at your parents. When my marriage broke up I did that and was amazed at the warmth from old friends.

Urghhhhhhhhhhhhh wish I could 'fix' it all for everyone. Or be close enough to take you all for a drink :-(

xxx
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Old 15th June 2010, 12:24 AM   #48
dazed and confused
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

I know that's the hard part hearing how awful you are, and everyone thinks your nice but I know it's an act. Oh I heard that a hunderd times,but when he need something you'll be the first person he turns to because he'll know you'll be there for him. At first it hurt like mad all those awful things they say I couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth.I moved here to Aus 10 years ago from Canada ( to be with my H we married there) so I know it's hard. That's why I find this forum very comforting everyone has a similar story and we know each others pain. When people say do things for you what I think they mean is find yourself again.Once you do that you become strong you realise your not all bad and you can do anything you want. I think because they're down they pull you down til you believe your bad and crazy. My H will say things til he makes me cry then he stops, not because he feels bad but because he did what he set out to do. Why do they do this ?? maybe so someone feels worse than they do?? I know your head is spinning going why is this happening and sometimes it's hard to just breathe. You want to shake him til you get anserws.There is no quik fix ( wish there was) just know we are here for you and we truly understand what your going through.


Take Care
Val
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Old 15th June 2010, 10:55 AM   #49
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hi all,

Thanks for all your replies of support because as I have mentioned it's all I have and right now it's what I am holding on to. After the latest outburst from him I am staying at my parents for the foreseeable future.

He called me last night as Mr Calm and then went and told me that he 'was so frightened of me and the state I was in on Saturday afternoon, (what state?!) he thought I was 'going to smash all of his things up', so on Sunday he got his mother over and she has removed all things of value of his. Said he 'knows it was a little bit rash but is being calm and telling me'.
I told him straight out that anything that has been removed from my home had better be back before the end of the week. He said he knew I would be angry so is being calm therefore he is rational. He will sort it out to have it back. I point out that damn straight I'm angry and being calm doesn't equal rationality. How on earth is he thinking such utter twaddle??! (I've never broken anything - he's the one that does that when he is in a rage not chuffing well me!!!)

He said I was blackmailing him, he said that I had told people he is a danger to children. There was no let up with the utter ridiculousness of what he was (very very calmly) telling me. He was talking so quietly and calmly that i could barely hear him at some points and when I said so he just snaps and spits out 'well f*cking well listen then!' Then flips back to all nice , quiet, calm and slow. He then suggests he come up to my office (which is up here) to make me some shelves I need. (he has been suggesting this for a week or so but I've been trying to put him off). I tell him that it's ok, I can sort it out and would rather he didn't . he yells at me to eff off and eff you and hangs up.

(interestingly he is staying at this couples house who have a 2 year old and the time was nearly midnight)

I call him back (what a mistake I know that now)

He said he couldn't stay in the house on his own so is staying at friends (wouldn't tell me to start with and he sounded all shaky) said he 'really didn't want to tell me this but he and others have thought about it and I should go and see someone because I am definitely the one who is mentally ill not him (WTF?!) 'You really are unwell', he says, 'you're losing the plot you know oh and did your parents tell you that I called on Saturday afternoon because you really aren't right in the head?'. I said yes they did tell me and it's you they're concerned about!' 'I think you must be getting confused', he says. Says he has thought about it and all the signs are there, he says and that the real reason he is staying at friends is because Joyce (the wife i spoke to the other day) was 'that worried about me that she thought you were going to stab me'.

(yes you read that right).
My husband must be delusional. I was here with my parents and they half heard what was going on. At that point, it was like a green light had come on for me. What on earth in the world is the matter with him? I can't believe he is even thinking such bizarre irrational thoughts. Who on earth is this man I am speaking to and where is the man I married?

The conversation ended when all I could say was , 'ok then I tell you what I'll make an appointment shall I?' 'Get myself checked out by a professional'. 'You really should', he says' because you're so desperate that who are they going to believe when I tell them that you think all my friends are crazy too eh?' (have never said that!)

I told him that he is delusional and 'I know you don't believe in God or anything but may God help you because I can't do any more. Please go to your appointment in 10 days I just have to go now.

I hung up.

he was ringing and ringing and in the end my mum picked up and calmly said I was in the loo and not to worry she will tell me he has called and he asks her to get me to call. He sends me a text half hour later saying the same thing and is all nice and calm in tone, but tells me to call him so 'we can be level headed'.

I didn't and he has called a few times this morning.

I am due to leave in half an hour to go to our Relate appointment. I can honestly say I am a little fearful of what on earth I am heading towards. I have to stay over night because I have another appointment in the morning so will be staying at friends or in a hotel. I have to take some things out of my house so I just hope and pray he won't be there.

What on earth is this?

Please, please help. x
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Old 15th June 2010, 11:57 AM   #50
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

Huge, huge hugs.

He has really flipped, hasn't he? I'm so proud of you for ending that call the way you did. You're absolutely right, you can't help him, he needs some serious medical / psychological help by the sounds of things and at the moment I think you need to focus on keeping yourself sane as much as you can, although I know too that that's easier said than done.

I'm glad you're at your parents and they are there to support you.

Given the state he's in, he might forget about the Relate appointment?

With any luck, with you not around to blame for things or keep him steady his friends might start to see what a mess he is?

Thinking of you,

Axxx
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Old 16th June 2010, 07:31 PM   #51
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well Relate went as was to be expected.

he denied saying that he thinks i am the one who is mentally ill, denied saying that he has told me that previous gf's have suggested he might be depressed and couldn't explain to the counsellor what exactly he was so frightened off about me that made him want to have his best jacket and gramophone removed by his mother..

I couldn't and didn't look at him throughouot. He was re-itterating that he thinks I am mentally ill and gthat he is just a bit 'low'. He repeated that Joyce was worried taht I might stab him yet couldn't explain how or any details as to how it came about.

I am going next week on my own and he at first was very defiant that he doesn't want to be anywhere near me and then when asked what he would like was rather reluctant that he is to go on his own the week after. Was again saying how frighted he was of me and said he was so afraid then 2 minutes later was again asking to come up here and fix my shelves in my office. And when I said no thanks he couldn't understand why not. Said I was being bloody minded and stubborn. He then wanted to walk back with me which I kindly refused. However became snappy and nasty when I said nothing so wither way I am wrong.

I am pretty certain he must have bipolar or some kind of personality disorder as it just isn't him.
I do not recognise this man.
I am also certain that if gets well he is going to be very very upset to know he has hurt me so much and behaved so badly.


I want my husband back and again I have to wait more time until 24th June.

I have pretty much emptied my home of all my things and have come up here to my parents to live for a while. I am so sad as I just cannot get my head anywhere around any of this. He can't be well and everyone is telling me so. It can't be right for him to be saying and believing what he is saying. It's ludicrous!

I feel like my husband has died yet a shell still remains.
Before I left a letter came for him from his doctors saying:

Dear Mr,
further to your visit to a&e last week, please call the surgery to make an appointment with any doctor.

I've never heard that before if someone has gone to a&e so what could that be about? ( i resealed the envelope so there's no way he would know I read it)

I've decided I'm going to his psych appointment too whether he likes it or not because I have to tell the psych what he has been saying. However I doubt I'll hear from him before hand and I won't be calling.

I feel quite terrible. Have been sick whilst on the phone to my mum, couldn't eat all day and was sick this afternoon after leaving.

I miss him so very much, will he ever be 'normal' again?
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Old 18th June 2010, 01:10 PM   #52
Wiggle
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Re: I want to understand

I'm sorry the Relate session didn't go well. Did the counsellor have any comments to make?

Oh yes, I know that damned if you do, damned if you don’t feeling! That's one of the reasons I've basically stoppped talking him. I can't say anything right, so I'll just not talk to him at all. According to the stuff I've read, it's very common for depressed men to 'blame everything on external things', ie. job, house, us. Apparently, it's less painful for them to dump it all on someone else than to have a damn hard look at themselves . It sounds to me (could well be wrong) that he's operating a sort of transference - he's transferring all his problems on to you?

Yes I sincerely hope if my ex gets his head together (not holding my breath these days) he's have a sharp realisation. But I'm not hopeful - I think that's one of the reasons they push us away, they don't want to be faced with a reminder / evidence of how badly they are capable of feeling and behaving. And I don't think all of them have the guts to face up to it afterwards, either. Sorry, that's not very cheery I realise! I'm feeling a bit pessimistic about it today. That's less painful than false hope .

The letter sounds to me like A&E have let his doctors know about his visit. It doesn't surprise me, given his behaviour! I think it's a good thing - let's hope he follows up on it.

Can you ring the psych and tell them over the 'phone without attending the appointment?

Please, please look after yourself! I couldn't eat properly for ages and was ill with the stress of it all for a few weeks. I'm so glad you're at your parents, it really helps to get some support in all of this. I know it's easy to say, but try not to get inside his head and make sense of it all - none of it makes sense and you'll drive youself nuts trying! I know, I've read self-help books on relationships, depression, OCD and commitment phobia trying to understand… and how as all of that helped me? It just sets my head spinning.

I'm sure he can improve with help and medication. But given his family background he might have a long road ahead of him.

You are terrific, you've put up with so much and really tried to help him but he's got to take the next steps himself. It's hard, but here's nothing more you can do.

Huge hugs
Axx
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Old 18th June 2010, 09:16 PM   #53
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Hey Wiggle, thank's for your reply and I know it probably seems like I'm going round in circles but it does help.

Well yesterday I wake up to a text from him (for those of you who placed a bet that he would contact - well done!) I ignored it until I opened some of the post from my house and found final bills and baliff letters dating back to May that he he said not to worry about as he will be paying them.

Judging by the text obviously not.

I'm here with my parents and so called him. Was sat right next to my mum so she could hear and was a nice as pie to him. He was all off and funny and snappy as per usual and hadn't paid any bills. i was all nice and calm saying ok then asked 'so how's things?' he says 'what do you think, not very well' his voice was cracking and then he says ' look I have to go now' and he was crying as he hung up on me.'

I then find more bills and call the company but need the password so again, with my mum present call him that afternoon. I was met with a different man. 'Why have you taken all your things out of the house?!' he says. I point out that he asked me to leave, he says 'well you could have told me you were taking your things and why did you take your painting?' I point out that it is valuable to me and also I could ask why you had your mother take yours?' he says he had 'every good reason for that and in good time everything will be put back'. He appeared to be irritated at my going?!!!

He then turned into Mr Angry and so I asked what's up , and he said he's annoyed he has been chosen for the team (the fitness training he does) and he is effing annoyed that he isn't fit (like it's my fault!) I really don't know who in the world I am talking to he then is all calm and what seemed like 'normal' It is most strange and unsettling. I am so very exhausted today and had to have a nap in the car for twenty minutes because i just couldn't think straight.

I am begging for his appointment to come round quickly. I went to the library this afternoon and spent 4 hours reading up on all the literature I can find on bi polar. Every point raised bar one he fitted a treat. I then am thinking what is the next step? My time is filled with reading on t'internet as it's all I can do to keep my own sanity. I know I must look after me and I am but until I know something I just can't settle at all.

Thank you all so much for your support on here. Without it I would be truly alone. The kindness of strangers is magical - thank you x
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Old 20th June 2010, 08:42 PM   #54
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Wiggle, Wiggle, Wiggle...'tis true! Dan used to have a problem with his job and his boss, now it's me, in the future he will have to find someone else to blame.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wiggle View Post
According to the stuff I've read, it's very common for depressed men to 'blame everything on external things', ie. job, house, us. Apparently, it's less painful for them to dump it all on someone else than to have a damn hard look at themselves . It sounds to me (could well be wrong) that he's operating a sort of transference - he's transferring all his problems on to you?
So alone, I have got EVERYTHING crossed for you right now. Well done for having your Mum there with you. I have taken to emailing Dan because then a) you don't have to speak to them and b) there's a record of what was said and when (possibly even more important with baliffs etc becoming involved?)

I can totally identify with the conversation you had with him over you leaving and taking your stuff. They just seem to contradict themselves constantly in the one conversation and even sometimes in one sentence! Dan's latest thing is to pretend I never told him things. I'm pretty sure he actually thinks I haven't told him. The mental problem he has is causing him difficulty focussing I think. Not great when he starts a new job tomorrow.

I'm just waiting for him to start dating his best friend from work.

Hope things get better for you.
Love Kathryn
x
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Old 21st June 2010, 10:46 AM   #55
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Well this is the end. I am and after yesterday I cannot actually take any more attack. My hair is thinning, the not sleeping, being sick and feeling so confused is enough. I cannot get over the shock of it all.

Spoke to him on Friday and it's been more of the same but him sounding more 'up'so called NHS direct. Spoke for over an hour. Said everything I could think of. Drove down to my house and asked if he had 'pulled any women' there was some kind of hesitation and eventually he told me he hadn't but was on adult discreet sex sites. I read his profile, read all the messages he had sent (some ten minutes before I even turned up) and was then sick. They were disgusting. His profile was saying he wants to meet without my knowing and a message popped up whilst I was there. He had even paid for this with his credit card and said he hadn't cheated so wasn't doing any harm. Then one of his female friends turned up at the door. She had come to do our gardening!!! Er.. I don't think so that's my chuffing garden as I'm the gardener. I went and told her he is ill and she told me, there is nothing wrong with him you just can't accept that it is over!' I said well that's news to me, I asked H what the meaning of that was he said he 'didn't know'. He started crying and I called the NHS direct as per their previous instructions. Under their guidance an ambulance was called. That turned up and he wasn't going to go but I said you might as well whilst it's here.

I called the dreaded mother in law who wouldn't speak to me (!) so the father in law came on to the phone. I said my H was ill and had gone to hospital and that I am gravely concerned for him. The general conversation was he has seemed perfectly calm to us and it is all me. I mentioned the BIL incident and he told me that I should have just laughed it off and he is none of my business, I point out that the BIL is my business when he has used my husbands credit cards and that as part of the family I care about my nephew. His whole tone was that it is all me?! I told him about the adult site my H had joined and he first said well you don't know that for sure as that's not the person I know so when I told him that my H had sat next to me and showed me all the messages he said 'oh well I can't possibly comment as it's just your word isn't it!!!!?

I then went to hospital and on the way the H called to say how sorry he is for the adult site and that he can understand how degrading it is. I asked him to give me some honour and tell the people who keep attacking me the truth. I then get to the hospital and he hasn't even been checked in? he is crying at me saying he has called them and they have all said that 'that's what men do' and well it's just harmless'. ?!

We waited and finally saw a psychiatrist - the same person he would be seeing this Thursday. Who diagnosed nothing. Not even depression. No mental health issues at all. As there is nothing wrong with him the appointment this Thursday is a waste of time. What I have said and what he has said don't match up and she can find nothing wrong with him at all. Said he might be drinking a bit excessively so he should cut back. He said 'yeah I should drink a bit less'.
I actually felt my mouth open wide in shock.
No depression, nothing wrong with him.

We went and talked for 2 hours. He admitted to giving me contradictory messages because he thought if he said nice things then maybe he would want to be nice to me. Said it is definitely me who is ill. Said the ambulance crew were going to drop him round the corner because they actually wanted to take me! That's why he hadn't been checked in. Said he hasn't wanted to hurt me. Said he has been trying to tell me but for over a year he has felt like this and that he doesn't love me and hasn't for ages, but didn't know how to. (I think a physical pain would be easier to deal with than what I am hearing). So I have been conned? Am I mental? So he has just lied to me? How on earth could anyone do that and to keep up such a pretence? In front of people? My family? What on earth for? Why not just tell me? How could any one be so low? After all I have done for him, that I have been helping him, put myself out, sacrificed for him?


I turned and said to please do me just one thing. Let me go. Fill in the separation/divorce forms first thing in the morning and set me free. He looks in horror at me and starts crying that he doesn't want that and he just needs a break from me, that we are practically split up and well can't we just leave it for 2 years to let the divorce be because of that?!

I just reiterated that I'm a nice girl, I'm not malicious and that I deserve better treatment than that, i deserve happiness, please give me some honor. I have only ever acted out of his best interests and please find in in him to grant me some peace. He said that he didn't want to tell me the truth because he wanted to protect me. Protect me from what? 'All of this', he says. But you've led me on, i point out. For the past year I've organised parties, gatherings, made a nice garden, made a nice home, set up your business. Helped out in the workshop, watched him deteriorate, telling me he hates himself and his life, watched him feel sad an lonely and now your'e telling me it has all been an act? That you have told me countless times that it is nothing to do with me and that was lies? He's just crying saying yes. Helping him out and setting up his business he will always be grateful for that. I say and all this time you've been deceiving me then?

He says he is sorry he hasn't wanted to hurt me. He then said and he doesn't want to separate!!!!! I say what what on earth do you want?!!! He says' he doesn't know anymore, doesn't know who is is anymore. Feels a failure, blah blah blah (see above posts for repeat performance from him). What?!! (and there is nothing wrong with him - no depression of course). I can't believe you have deceived me all this time, I say. How on earth have you been saying one lot of things to me and then completely different to everyone else. What about my family - my dad gave him their old car a few months ago, my mum and dad have supported him how could he do this to them too? He just says he's sorry. He told me some of his friends told him not to marry me. What are you telling me this now for? So I'm asking well why the flaming hell did you?! Because i thought I loved you and our marriage has lots of great things going for it it's just that I can't stand the bits I don't like. He says I can be horrible and nasty, I ask how and who to?! He says to his family! I point out that anything I have said has been in retaliation to the totally unfair attacking from them!! he says that I shouldn't be so sensitive, I have split him from his family and it is me who is out of order not them.

I say all I have been over the past moths is genuinely concerned for his welfare. He knows he has been down and miserable and the advice I have acted upon has come from the relate counsellor, the gp, nhs direct and trying to find out what on earth has been the matter. Surely he can see that? Surely if he has been telling me it is definitely not me then it would be natural for a wife to be concerned and especially if he has been saying all the things he has then what on earth am I to think?!! He says he is sorry and can see that him giving me contradictory messages has caused all this. He then says are you going to Relate on Tuesday?! I ask what for? He says well it's good to talk and that's important. We got some food and went home and I just sat there staring at the floor. He said he is getting annoyed and kept saying when are you leaving and wanted me out the house. So I left.

I'm done. It must be me. I must actually be mental.

I know you all read this, please speak to me, I am broken.
What is the point of anything? I cannot live.
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Old 21st June 2010, 12:05 PM   #56
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

I am here. I am here. and I am worried about you. I have been where you are, and I am not fully recovered... but, I did find a way out of some of the bleakness.

I want you to look at this website, while I catch up on your thread. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/samaritans.htm

When I get a chance to read it well, as I'm half asleep. I want to give you proper feedback.

You are NOT alone, and you are not mental. I promise.

Love and hope,
J
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Old 21st June 2010, 12:48 PM   #57
mdmquincy
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Re: I want to understand

OK, WOW.

This is exhausting to read. I can't imagine how it feels to live it. My husband is depressed as well, and I know how "token" behavior feels. I know how it hurts to be patient for the attention that you merit. I certainly know the moment of being sick of it all and can't take any more. I don't know everything, but these things I do know.

I have to say that you seem too close to the fire to have good perspective at the moment. You are going to be mental without a bit of space. That can be so difficult to pull off when you feel like your whole world is hanging by strands. You need somewhere away for a few days, especially away from your H and his ballistic family. I have a dear friend that checks on me (sometimes via my thread) and she gives me the perspective I need. If you have a friend that can do that, it will help. Your family also sounds like they are willing to help (I am beyond jealous. I lost my whole family through this mess.)

H sounds awful from what I've read here. I don't have anything positive to say about him at the moment. I know he probably has moments, but geez. Just from what is written here, he certainly doesn't sound to be good for you in any capacity.

You need help sorting it all out. Plain and simple. I do too. That's why we come here. That's why we reach out. We need help sorting it out. No reason to be embarrassed or feel weak, because really no one else has solutions either-- such a tangled web. The best thing you can get from others is the perspective to help you make the decisions you need to make. My counselor helps me immensely, and I cannot recommend therapy enough. I wish I could go 3 times a week! I am in States, so I could be wrong... but I am under the impression that Relate is couples counseling and marriage counseling.

I am here for you. You are not alone. I promise. Other people are here as well. We've been through the pain, confusion, the gut-sinking depression or having a spouse blame and point and leverage. We need one another to steady ourselves.

Love and steadiness,
j
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Old 21st June 2010, 01:36 PM   #58
UpandDown
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Re: I want to understand

Hi So Alone

It isn't you, it is him. I'm 100 percent certain. You are probably ill too - possibly with slight mental problems and LOTS of anxiety caused by stress and maybe to the ambulance guys you did seem the ill person out of the two, but your problem is transitory, his is for ever.

The psychiatrist situation is disgusting. You have been totally let down my the profession - please DO NOT take it as you have the mental illness. Although, perhaps you should get your GP to refer you based on what everyone else is saying then you can get it confirmed beyond a doubt.

The hospital sees what it sees in that instance. It's absolutely daft that they didn't even diagnose depression as he ticks so many of the boxes and the bonkers family see what they want to see.

I feel for you that he has used you over the past year. I feel exactly the same. I have taken all Dan's sh*t because he was so unhappy. Like you, made a nice home, garden, social life etc. Supported him in finding a new job and now he says he knew all along...... ars*h*les. Selfish and cold.

And the worst thing, not only has your H been a coward he is being worse coward now and not letting you go. Initially Dan was like this and I think it was because he didn't want to be seen to have "left" me. Even now he tells people it was mutual!!

I agree with Jen. Get out, get away. Be with people who don't make you feel like a crazy person! Where do you live? Maybe we could meet up?

Love Kathryn
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Old 21st June 2010, 02:02 PM   #59
JWD
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Re: I want to understand

This is just awful what's happening to you.

You are not insane, although I don't know why, I would be in your shoes after what you have been through.

I think you need to create distance and not contact him or his family at all for a few weeks - just to get your head together and give you a chance to step back and see it from a distance.

The samaritans is a very good idea too.

The family don't sound like they want to aknowledge his behaviour. Its awful when these lies are being spread but you know what really happened and anyone else can fill in whatever blanks they like. It used to drive me insane the lies and like kathryn, my ex still to this day claims it was mutual.

You come first here and you need to look after your own physical and mental health. The hair loss is due to the stress you are under and its a warning that you need to look after yourself.

I know none of us casn make this ok for you but we all care and are all here for you.
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Old 23rd June 2010, 02:36 PM   #60
So alone
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Re: I want to understand

Thank you everyone for such kind words and thoughts. I am not doing well at all. I am crying all day and night and am sick. I have lost a further half stone. Your thoughts have helped to know that even though I am sat here on my own, that I have some very good and kind people sat in front of their computers giving their time to pass on to me their kindness.

I am crying and I am lost and so frightened of everything.

In his own words, he is happy as larry, think he's a 'pretty good looking man' has a lot going for him. 'Doesn't feel depressed at all'. Feels like he has a good out look on life. Doesn't think he has done anything wrong'. Feels very 'horny' and 'what's wrong with that?' Isn't that concerned about the careless driving he was caught at as he just shrugs it off.

Someone tell me this doesn't sound like a manic phase?
After all where is the depressed man I've been writing about?

He has been speaking with family members saying he want's rid of me, but doesn't give me that impression when I talk to him. He is just accusatory and aggressive, yet he cannot substantiate any of it. He sent me a text to apologise. I think I should now apply for a divorce. He has been calling his ex gf again.

Should i just apply for divorce and be done with it? No one can see him coming back in my life. Everyone has seen the website profile he was on as I printed it out. Maybe i might need it as proof as he has started to delete messages. I don't think I could ever trust him, if he wanted to be us again.

The attacks have started from his family and friends. Messages taking the p*ss out of me for me being some kind of fruit cake and saying I am making up illnesses about my H. I knew they would do this. After all if the psych finds nothing wrong with him then it must be all me (in their eyes) yet what exactly have I done that is so wrong? I do not know at all.

Please help. i am seeing my doctor in 10 days (earliest I could get) I can't stop thinking of all of the lovely things we used to do, all the sillies and all the nice and it is killing me.
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