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Old 23rd July 2010, 06:38 AM   #1
Curly
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Feeling raw and so confused

Hi,

I discovered this site last night while trying to find something to help me overcome the grief of losing the person I love.

I am a gay woman and have been with my partner for 6 years and we had our civil ceremony, a full on gay wedding last year. We were so in love and have had the most amazing relationship, full of love, laughter and fun.

OH started a new job with the ambulance service 8 months ago and absolutely loved it. Then 4 months ago she started to change. Seemed to be suddenly very selfish and wanting to go out with friends all the time. She went for a weekend away 'with friends' and slowly I started to suspect there was something going on. I checked mobile phone bills and found she was texting one woman almost 100 times a day. I challenged her on many occassions and she denied there was anything going on. She said this woman was a friend who was having problems and that she was trying to support her. She said I should meet her as I would see there would not be any attraction.

Our relationship started to deteriorate and then one night she sat and cried and told me she had been having an affair for three months with this OW.

I was devestated and slept/cried all night in the spare room. She left the next morning and then in the afternoon she came home and said she was sorry, it was a mistake and she wanted to be with me. I felt we could overcome this and so I tried to work on our relationship. She tried but not very hard for a week or so and then she told me she had continued to text the OW and had strong feelings for her. We had a week booked in Wales and I asked her if she wanted to cancel it and go or if she wanted to break all contact with this woman and go away. She said what we had was too special to give up on, swore she would not contact her again and we went away. We had a great week, with her telling me often how much she regretted her actions and she was affectionate and just like the person I knew before the affair.

We came back and she sat and confessed that while we were away she had been texting this woman. I packed some stuff and told her to go and she got a friend to fetch her and she went. She called the next day to see what I wanted her to do and I told her I had left her a letter and I wanted her to come home, read it and then make a clear choice. I went off out for the day and left a letter telling her I was not willing to share and she either made a firm committment to our relationship by cutting all contact or she was free to pack some stuff and leave. She called me and said there was no decision to make, she wanted me and our life. I came home and we spent three amazing days together, the person I loved was back mentally at last.

She told me she hated herself for what she had done and needed to get away for a couple of days to have some space and try and forgive herself. She said when she came back our relationship was going to be stronger than ever and she sat making plans of what we would do, told me that she could not bear to lose me and what we had together. After she had gone I found little notes everywhere telling me I was her life and she loved me.

My gut told me she was with this OW and I text her and begged her to be honest with me if she was with this OW again. She replied saying that of course she wasn't, she would not do that to me again and she loved me so so much. She text me to tell me she had arrived at the coast (a place she used to live and has always wanted to go back to) and said her oldest friend who she hadn't seen for years had welcomed her with open arms and she was going to stay there.

The next morning I called this oldest friend and guess what... she had not heard from my OH for months.

I called the OW and left a message on her mobile answer phone telling her I knew my OH was with her and to tell her to call me. Sure enough within 10 mins I got the bright and breezy call. Still tried to lie telling me she missed me already and how much she loved me. I handed her the proof that I had and she admitted she had spent the previous night with the OW and said she was now on her way to the coast and she was sorry for hurting me again.

I told her I was in the process of packing her stuff and that I would put it in the garage for her to collect on her return. She asked me if I was joking and I said that I wasn't , she had made her choice and it was over.

I have sobbed and sobbed for the last two days and I cannot come to terms with what has happened to the person I love and how they could keep being so cruel. She keeps texting me asking if I am OK and saying she loves me and is sorry. I could easily give in and have her back as that is what I really want but I know I have to be strong as I can never trust what she says again. We could have got over the affair but all the lies and deceipt afterwards has destroyed that.

Her family and her are very close and I have been welcomed into that family and they look on me as part of the family, which is great. They are all devestated and they can't believe the person she has become. A common reaction when we tell people what has happened is disbelief as this is so out of character for OH, they have always been loyal, trustworthy and had good family values and she adored me and told me that every day.

Any words of advice or comfort would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for listening.

Last edited by Curly; 23rd July 2010 at 06:58 AM.
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Old 23rd July 2010, 09:06 AM   #2
JWD
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,178
Re: Feeling raw and so confused

I'm so sorry for you curly. I know just how devastating it is when your partner turns into a repeat liar and causes you so much pain.

I get the feeling she is not taking you seriously. She thinks all she has to do is say sorry and come back again. She is having the best of both worlds.

You have to be so so strong and not allow her to swan in and out as she pleases. Give her a fright, show her that you will not be treated like this. Try is you can to ignore her text messages and distance yourself. This will make her stop and think.

I don't know what else to say except that this happens to the best of us and you shouldn'y feel its all your fault.

Keep posting as it really helps.

xxx
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Old 23rd July 2010, 09:20 AM   #3
Curly
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

Thank you. I am ignoring her text messages and I believe you are right.. she thought she could have us both and get away with it and that left me no choice but to end it. It is breaking my heart as I still love her so much but I know I have to be strong.

I have no idea how someone so honest and loving could turn this way.
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Old 23rd July 2010, 02:31 PM   #4
JWD
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

yes, its like they become different people. I think that is what can keep you stuck. You just cannot believe what horrible, selfish people they become. You will be amazed reading other people's stories how they all behave in the same way. Look out for her blaming you next.

You surround yourself with people that love you and make you feel good about yourself and do not get into the way of mind that you did something wrong here. You cannot control how others behave so please don't waste your precious time torturing yourself and trying to make them see they are wrong.

It helped me to read as much as I could on infidelity. I also straight away did the no contact rule.

Just keep posting curly. We all care

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

the no contact rule is in here

xx
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Old 24th July 2010, 09:00 AM   #5
Curly
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

Thank you for the link, I have spent hours reading it and it fills the time and helps me to rationalise I think.

I have tried going out to friends but I feel like running home after half an hour and have given in to that and come home to release the tension and tears that I was holding back.

She has stopped texting me now as her sister told her how much it was affecting me but last night she sent this text to her sister.

you can blame 'A' if it makes you feel better, i was the one who was married, I was the one who got what I want, I am the one left with no family, I have to live with this for the rest of my life and God I miss her already x

Makes it hard to know that she has got what she wanted... just shows where she wants to be and that I did the right thing throwing her out.
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Old 24th July 2010, 10:36 AM   #6
JWD
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

You deserve better Curly. Until she stops seeing this ow there is no chance for you to rebuild your marriage.

I know what you mean about going out with friends. I had my first panic attack out with friends. the pretence that everything was ok was too much for me. Just getting out a walk is good enough for now.

Have you been eating and sleeping?

divorcebusting.com is another marriage help site.
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Old 24th July 2010, 03:28 PM   #7
Curly
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

`not tried that site... will have a look. Not eating or sleeping much but I know I have to start forcing myself to eat. She has sent texts today saying that she is so sorry and this is the biggest mistake of her life and she will always regret it, misses me blah blah.

Pity she could not have felt like that before she went for one more night with the other woman!

I am staying strong and no contact. She is coming round later to collect her stuff so I have moved my car off the drive and to a friends. I have double locked the front door and she hasn't got a key to the back door so she will get her stuff from the garage and go.
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Old 24th July 2010, 04:40 PM   #8
JWD
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

GOOD FOR YOU curly, she needs to know that you mean business and she can't just say sorry ans thats it. If its meant to be, she won't be going anywhere so give yourself time to digest how you feel x
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Old 24th July 2010, 05:11 PM   #9
Curly
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

She has collected her stuff and bombarded me with texts telling me she has made the worst mistake ever and how much she loves me and regrets her actions. I replied but I just put 'I know'.
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Old 25th July 2010, 06:12 PM   #10
UpandDown
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

Hi Curly

I haven't posted on your thread as I haven't, to my knowledge, experienced infidelity. However, having read your last posts I just wanted to say well done and that I think you're doing the right thing. You need time and if your relationship is ever to work again the trust will need to be rebuilt very slowly so she is not going to get any quick fixes reagrdless of how many texts she bombards you with!

Stay strong
Love Kathryn
x
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Old 28th July 2010, 11:23 AM   #11
JWD
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Re: Feeling raw and so confused

How are you getting on Curly?

Thinking about you x
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