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Old 2nd March 2014, 04:52 PM   #1
Vixen1980
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Unwanted Separation

Hi, I'm new around here but after ready a few posts I thought it was time to post my story in the hope that someone might have some advice.
I have been married for almost 5 years and thought we were happy then the day after new year my husband told me he was leaving me. He moved back to his parents. This was so out of the blue it flawed me. He said he had been unhappy for months but didn't know how to tell me and couldn't pretend any more.
I didn't see any warning signs and he has never expressed that he was unhappy.
He won't consider counselling as he says he has been working at it for months and nothing has changed ( how could it if i didn't know anything needed to change!)
He swears there is no one else but I am not sure I believe him.
We still talk most days but not about anything important the moment I venture there he gets defensive. He says he wants to remain friends but it is killing me.
I miss him everyday but I know I have got to let go I just don't know how.
Sorry if this is rambling i just can't articulate how I am feeling, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 2nd March 2014, 07:39 PM   #2
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Unwanted Separation

Poor you Vixen, what a terrible shock. There may well be another women involved, and I am sorry that his parents arent telling him to go back to you and be a good husband.

Is he going to divorce you?
The thing is that if its going to be permanent, then the best thing for you would be to have no contact. This 'being friends' thing is not going to help you at all and will only make it all take longer to come to terms with and recover from.
It seems you have no children which is a blessing, so you can cut off all contact for good and tell him that he can only contact you if he decides to have counselling and come back.
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Old 3rd March 2014, 10:04 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: Unwanted Separation

Would you say he was an honest person Vixen?
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Old 3rd March 2014, 12:08 PM   #4
ronnoco
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Re: Unwanted Separation

Hi Vixen,

So sorry for what you are going through.

The exact same thing happened to me. My wife told me she wasn't happy, hadn't been for many months, loved me like a best friend, not a husband. Told me there was nobody else. Absolutely nothing I could do to fix it. Even said the same thing as your husband in that she had tried to fix it herself, it had now been too long and there was no hope, etc

1 week later I discovered she had feelings for her boss.

I really hope this isn't the case for you but it's very rare for someone to just to up and leave.

Have you noticed a change in your husband recently? Increased use of mobile phone, computer, change in appearance, staying out late, working late, etc

Agree with what others have said. You must do a divorce busters 180 (Google it) If you have no kids, the only contact you need is about finances. Keep it short and sweet. If he really wants to leave you, he needs to know what life is going to be like.

All the best. Remember, tough times don't last, tough people do - you'll get through it.
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Old 3rd March 2014, 05:44 PM   #5
Vixen1980
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Re: Unwanted Separation

Thank you for you kind words. Well my suspicions were right turns out he is now seeing a woman he works with, the same woman he swore blind nothing was going on with. I'm so angry i can't think straight.
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Old 3rd March 2014, 08:46 PM   #6
ronnoco
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Re: Unwanted Separation

So sorry to hear this news.

I truly know how you feel. When I found out about my wife, I was like a ticking time bomb. You feel so hurt and betrayed.

It's very common for people to lie. I think a lot of the time it's just because they simply can't face telling you the truth. Deep down, they know you don't deserve it. Also, they often become like complete strangers. They lie, they try and blame it on all sorts of other reasons, it's almost like they try and convince themselves that it was the right thing to do - trying to justify their actions, etc

Please Google 5 stages of grief. It's very important that you understand the different emotions you will be going through.

Right now, you need to focus on yourself. Try to not be alone, especially at this early stage. Confide in your family and friends, make sure you have a circle of people around you to give you the love and support you need.

Go out where possible. Whether it be the cinema, for a meal with friends, focus on no 1 now. Make sure you eat regularly. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you fall to pieces. Do the 180 I talked about.

I would thoroughly recommend the gym or doing some kind of sport. It will release "feel good" endorphins. Treat yourself to a haircut, massage, whatever it takes to give you a little lift.

Things will get better, you wont see it at this stage but they will......trust me

All the best and keep posting.
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Old 3rd March 2014, 09:09 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Unwanted Separation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixen1980 View Post
Thank you for you kind words. Well my suspicions were right turns out he is now seeing a woman he works with, the same woman he swore blind nothing was going on with. I'm so angry i can't think straight.
Oh dear that's so hurtful for you. I just wish that those who cheat would only be honest and tell the truth. Lying and deception are appalling.
The only good thing is that you have found out now before you have had children, and while you are still young enough to meet a decent man who will keep his promises and act decently.
Not helpful for you now with the betrayal and deep hurt that you feel of course.

His excuse that he has been unhappy for months is just that, an excuse and a lie. The truth is that he was cheating on you all though this time
probably.
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Old 8th March 2014, 10:00 AM   #8
Vixen1980
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Re: Unwanted Separation

Hi everyone sorry I haven't been around for a few days I kind of shut down and hibernated. I know you are all right. He has tried to convince me nothing is actually going on it is all an elaborate ploy to help a friend out with a stalker ex! I wasn't born yesterday and I think him believing I would fall for that is more of an insult than anything else!
I'm keeping busy it is just the weekends that are hard, too much time to fill!
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Old 8th March 2014, 10:59 AM   #9
chosen
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Re: Unwanted Separation

I think you need to tell him that you know what is going on, and that you want him to stop lying. Its going to be very hard, but a man who acts like that just isn't worth it. I would also cut contact as that isn't going to help you.
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Old 14th March 2014, 04:49 PM   #10
LibraLady
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Re: Unwanted Separation

Accept the situation for what it is, start the divorce proceedings and allow yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage (as if someone died) the pain will be the same, trust me, I know.

Then, after you have gone through the phases of healing from this loss, re-invent yourself. Pick your self up off of the floor, color your hair, buy a new dress, live again.........

I really liked the post of another, he typed, TOUGH TIMES DON'T LAST, TOUGH PEOPLE DO. As a divorcee at one time, this is so true. Take the time to get to know yourself. It's not shameful to be single.
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