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Old 7th February 2014, 11:02 AM   #1
rmh85
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Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

Hi, I'm new to here and would just like to ask for some advice.

I separated from husband in September, and we planned to live apart for a year and then divorce. We thought our marriage was finished.

My husband had been seeing someone around December time, and had been on a few dates with this person. They have slept together.

Since January, my husband and I have been in contact (we hadn't been in contact since we separated) and have decided we would like to try and see if we can save our marriage. All good.

However, he made it perfectly clear that the person he has been seeing will continue to be a part of his life! He wants that person to be in his life, and has now insisted they will be friends only, but that the person will be in his life. He would also like me to be friends with them!

He thinks I'm being unreasonable in saying that it is totally and utterly inappropriate, and that the only reasonable course of action is for that person to be left in the past.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!
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Old 7th February 2014, 12:35 PM   #2
ronnoco
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

Hi rmh85,

I think his intentions are absolutely ridiculous.

If he honestly wants to save your marriage, he himself should not want anything to do with this women. What he is asking for is a big statement on his character and integrity in my eyes.

In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with this women?, that's just stupid. Perhaps he's thinking down the line you can have a threesome?

I don't know the reason why you split up. If for example you cheated on him, or left to be with someone else, then sometimes the other person has a rebound fling (it's not actually a good move but it does happen) but if there was no adultery or abuse, etc - you have to ask the question as to why he moved on to someone else so quick?
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Old 7th February 2014, 12:57 PM   #3
Roses
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

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Originally Posted by rmh85 View Post
Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!
You mean, he wants to continue sleeping with this woman. I am guessing this woman does not know his marriage isn't over yet.

I agree. Horrible.
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Old 7th February 2014, 12:59 PM   #4
Roses
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
Hi rmh85,

you have to ask the question as to why he moved on to someone else so quick?
Yes. Chances are that he simply needed someone to have sex with.
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Old 7th February 2014, 01:03 PM   #5
Roses
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

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Originally Posted by ronnoco View Post
that's just stupid. Perhaps he's thinking down the line you can have a threesome?
Cake-eating, me thinks... It seems that there are some men who think it's perfectly OK to ask for a permission to see someone else whilst they're still married. This rarely works whilst there are wives who quietly "tolerate" their h indulging in this type of behaviour.
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Old 7th February 2014, 01:39 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

I agree with everyone else. Having slept with her there will be a soul tie connection there. They will both know that. As mentioned he has to completely cut off from her (no e mails - nothing) to make the marriage work.
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Old 7th February 2014, 01:39 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

I am not sure why you agreed to have a year apart and then divorce, but you were still married so he actually committed adultery. Why did the marriage end if you don't mind me asking?
IN your shoes I would say clearly its her friendship or me. There would be no compromise as far as I was concerned, and how would you know that they weren't still having sex anyway if they still saw each other?

I wonder what she thinks of him wanting to get back with you and her being just a friend? I doubt she would want that anyway, unless there was something in it for her.
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Old 7th February 2014, 01:43 PM   #8
chosen
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

Quote:
Originally Posted by rmh85 View Post
Hi, I'm new to here and would just like to ask for some advice.

I separated from husband in September, and we planned to live apart for a year and then divorce. We thought our marriage was finished.

My husband had been seeing someone around December time, and had been on a few dates with this person. They have slept together.

Since January, my husband and I have been in contact (we hadn't been in contact since we separated) and have decided we would like to try and see if we can save our marriage. All good.

However, he made it perfectly clear that the person he has been seeing will continue to be a part of his life! He wants that person to be in his life, and has now insisted they will be friends only, but that the person will be in his life. He would also like me to be friends with them!

He thinks I'm being unreasonable in saying that it is totally and utterly inappropriate, and that the only reasonable course of action is for that person to be left in the past.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!
Reminds me of Prince Charles when he told Diana that as far as he and Camilla were concerned there was going to be no compromise. Terrible.

If he isnt prepared to give her up for you, then I cant see any hope for the marriage.

Last edited by chosen; 7th February 2014 at 02:00 PM.
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Old 13th February 2014, 05:49 PM   #9
1aokgal
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

In short, there must be some monetary advantages to maintain a pseudo marriage with you, while continuing a side "friendship." Maybe you have a good job or own the home, but he is nuts, so don't buy into this plan. You see this correctly. I am sure there are better fish in the sea than this guy who wants it both ways.

Take this man off your social calendar and put that chapter behind.
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Old 13th February 2014, 06:18 PM   #10
chosen
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1aokgal View Post
In short, there must be some monetary advantages to maintain a pseudo marriage with you, while continuing a side "friendship." Maybe you have a good job or own the home, but he is nuts, so don't buy into this plan. You see this correctly. I am sure there are better fish in the sea than this guy who wants it both ways.

Take this man off your social calendar and put that chapter behind.
We dont know why he wants to try again at the marriage. It may be that he has realised his mistake. Many people do that after a separation.
Really not everything is about money or possessions. There is a lot more to life than material things that can be lost in an instant.

Last edited by chosen; 13th February 2014 at 07:47 PM.
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Old 14th February 2014, 06:16 AM   #11
1aokgal
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

He doesn't want to try again at the marriage! (Read above.)

He wants to continue his "friendship with the OW and "keep her in his life" while tying up his wife in a threesome that will never work. What is the advantage he gains here? He has his cake and dessert on the side. He may realize there are advantages to the marriage that ARE material.
It is sure that he has no intent to be a decent husband with that arrangement.

Whatever he claims, (Let's try again) the only way a marriage can work after that separation and affair is that he has NO contact with the OW in any form. That isn't what he has proposed here.
Whatever feeling might have been in this marriage in past, it doesn't seem to be there now. I'd say that idea he has " to keep the friend" is a lot like plunging a knife into his wife's heart and turning it slowly. This must be a very painful place to be for this wife..to realize it has to be really over.....and not halfway over.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 16th February 2014 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 4th March 2014, 02:54 PM   #12
John_agape
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

It does not sound like he understands marriage. This is totally inappropriate.

If you cut him off he might come to his senses, regret being such a selfish fool, drop this woman and return to you.

If he does not, then let him go. He will do the same to that woman in a few years time.

You deserve better.

Last edited by John_agape; 4th March 2014 at 02:55 PM. Reason: deleted a sentence
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Old 17th March 2014, 08:24 PM   #13
LibraLady
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Re: Separated - husband wants to remain friends with person he was seeing!

Wow, the mere fact that he has the gall and audacity to even TELL you that he and his OW will remain friends, whispers to me that you have tolerated some real foolishness like this before.

Because a man who is well aware of the dire consequences of such foolishness wouldnt even think of those words coming from his mouth. He has some big kahunas......WOW.....
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