marriage problems

[nicos2014]

Hello, me and my wife met 9 years ago. 2 years later we got married and now have 2 daughters – 6 and 3 year olds.
We have never been great with each other and it was always difficult to talk, but there were some exceptions.
I love her and she says she loves me, but there is some distance between us. Busy life, 2 kids, things just got slow for us and we grew apart a bit.

2 months ago my wife got a new job. She hated her old job and really wanted to leave, but wasn’t really looking.
One day her ex co-worker who opened his well growing business called her and asked if she would like to work for him. He tried to hire her about a year earlier but the hours and salary was not very good so she declined.
This time there was no interview, no resume sent, just a few phone calls and she was hired. Flexible hours, good salary so she took it right away.
She works as an assistant to CEO and COO (CEO is her ex co-worker).
At first it was all good, but very soon after she had to attend work functions after hours, business trips, etc.
First she had a business dinner. I was waiting home for her around mid-night. She said she was taking a cab back home.
What made me a bit worried is that the cab didn’t stop at our house but couple houses over. After putting a bit of pressure on her she told me that she shared a cab with her boss. It was a day before her birth day and she even posted pictures from the restaurant with expensive bottle of wine from her boss to celebrate. She told me all the people from work were there, but I didn’t believe it as I could clearly see only her at the table. And him taking the picture I guess.

Then there was a trip to another city for 3 days. Came back and I don’t really know what happened and I’m not accusing her of anything at this point but I was just a bit concerned and worried (maybe jealous too).

Then another week goes by, she had to take a bus to work. On the way back I took my kids into our car and we went a few blocks over to pick up mommy from the bus stop so she doesn’t have to walk. While on her way she texted me and said she’s on a bus so I knew when to expect her.
I called her too but she didn’t answer.
When waiting for her I notices she was getting out of the boss’s car. Didn’t want him to drive her all the way home because I would question that.
Turns out the boss took her for drinks. I was really upset, first because she lied to me about this and second because she was a bit drunk.
Conversations started and I told her I didn’t like that and it doesn’t seem right. After hours of talking I questioned her birth day celebration and she confessed that after the work function the boss took her to another place for drinks. Then afterward they shared a cab.

That was a big hit for me. More conversations and more confessions. Turns out she’s been meeting him as a “friend” for drinks/lunches for longer than she knew me, but didn’t want to tell me because she knew I wouldn’t take it well.

I told her that I cannot tolerate this and to me it’s like dating another man behind my back. Even if there is no sex, I don’t except it. Period.
She promised me that she would never do that again. She wouldn’t go on any one on one dates or meetings with him after hours and would not let him drive her home again.
3 days later, work function again. I’m all nervous and after the kids went to bed I was waiting outside with a drink. She said she’s on her way back in a cab. 20 minutes later she’s getting out of his car again on our street just a block away from our house.
I was very upset, but she could not explain why she would do that again. She just said “I don’t know what I was thinking”.
At this point I’m really emotionally exhausted and ready to give up. Obviously something is not right.

The next morning we are driving to work together (it’s on the same way). She was supposed to go for another business trip for 3 days. I told her that if she goes then I’m gone. I felt like my wife is treated as a toy for the new boss. She is attractive!
I also told her that since he’s such a good friend of hers I want to meet him and talk to him. I asked her to send me his email.
After talking to him she send me his contact. Quick email and I met with him for lunch.
I told him I don’t appreciate him taking my wife out and driving her home. Don’t mix business with pleasure.
I told him I asked her to cancel the trip and he even had the balls to tell me that he would pay for my ticket and hotel as well so I could stay with my wife for couple days. I denied!
He said that he has to take her out sometimes to talk about business, that she’s much easier to talk to when she has couple drinks, that he took her out for b-day as an extra incentive for working for him.
Then when I asked him why she can’t take a taxi home, she says to me that she does have taxi slips in her purse for employees when they go out to dinners and events, but it would be better if she didn’t use them because his wife does accounting at work and she would question why my wife was there!!!
That was a big question mark for me. He’s not only taking my wife around, but obviously he does not want his wife to find out. And his wife never goes to any events. I was furious!!!

That was on Friday, we spent the weekend at home and talked about a lot of stuff. I was able to calm down because she said she understands now that it’s not right and she won’t do that again. Another promise.

Monday morning she said she will talk to him about cancelling the next trip. I’m sitting at work and she’s calling me. I pick up but no answer.
Then I start hearing their conversation outside. She tells him every detail about what I told her and how I felt. She said that I hate him and I would stab him in the back if I could. I did say something like that to her after the meeting with him.
I was furious again. I’m thinking how close is she with this guy to be able to tell him all of our secrets?

We had a tough time again at home. She said that she doesn’t feel like it’s something bad and I’m just overreacting and analysing too much.
Few days go by and I can’t stop thinking about this and how we will be living our lives when she works there.

I can’t trust him and I’m really doubtful if I can trust her anymore.
I feel depressed and I’m trying to get closer to her, because I know I was not the best husband. We haven’t been very close in the last year of maybe longer.
I’m asking her to start over, to hug me, but she says she loves me but it’s just too weird for her to even hug me because I’ve changed so quickly from a guy who lives in the same house to someone who wants to love her again with passion.

Right now to fix this I’m trying to take her out, to hold her hand, to talk to her, but everything nice that I try to do just seems to piss her off even more. She’s telling me now that at least I know how she felt before and that she needed me to and I was not there for her. Fine, I was a bad husband sometimes, but it’s time to move on.

She does not want to talk much anymore about her situation at work, but I know I will always be worried.

Am I crazy and just too jealous or do I have a good reason for concern?
I’m going nuts, can’t sleep or eat. Stress is just eating me from the inside.

Would anyone allow his/her partner to do that with the boss? To me it’s unacceptable but I want to know if I’m maybe just crazy.
Thanks.

[Raymond]

No you are not crazy. A lot of affairs start at work and you are wise to be concerned. After all the lack of attention she was getting from you she was vulnerable to a bit of attention.

Now you are giving her attention she might be annoyed that you wait until she has this job to do it but you need to press on and admit your failings of the past and keep going.

Really it is not enough to keep straight at work. One has to avoid the appearance of funny stuff as well, as well as avoiding temptation. Drinking alone in his company is not a good idea. She needs to straighten her act up. Her manager is obviously guilty in that he is hiding things from his own wife who probably would feel the same as you do.

It was a considerate move to invite you to go to a hotel with her on a trip. That was a good thing for him to offer. I don't think it has gone as far as you might fear but caution and attention to details of behaviour is much needed in this situation.

Chosen who might post later is pretty good on this subject.

[chosen]

Yes you do have a lot to worry about. Their behavior is totally innappropriate, all the lies and deception and spending all that time alone together.
In your position I would want her to leave that job asap, and finds another one. He clearly wanted to have her with him, and he has achieved that, and your wife is gong alone with it.
She needs to leave and cut off all contact with this man. She is playing with fire, and at the very least is having an emotional affair with him and has been for a long time. No they do not need to have drinks to talk about work, that is a lie, and they do not need to spend any time alone together. You need to set clear boundaries for how you both ralate to the opposite sex. I have seen countless marriages end and other tragedies happen because of work based affairs, it sadly very common.
mayeb some good marriage counselling would help.

[nicos2014]

Thanks for your replies. I'm afraid she won't leave this job.
I asked her to see marriage counselor today but she said it's not that bad and we don't need that.
I know she does not want to face it because that would probably just give me upper hand.
I wanted to speak to someone who could say to her, yes this is wrong and has to stop.
More talking this weekend and we will see how that goes.

[chosen]

I think that you need to insist that you go to marriage counselling. Of course she is reluctant because she doesnt want to give this man up. I think you need to be strong and set conditions for the marriage to continue. First she leaves that job, second she stops all contact
with this man, and third, you go to counselling. These would be my minimum conditions in your position. She is deluding herself if she think there is nothing wrong, she has stepped way over the mark and needs to chose you and the children or him to be honest.

A good book on this subject is called Hedges by Jerry B Jenkins. he is a Christian but the principles apply to eveyone. Its about setting boundaries in marriage with the opposite sex.

[nicos2014]

Wow, she found out from her boss yesterday that she's getting fired. I believe his wife who works at the same company found out something as well. I've asked my wife to cancel a business trip with him and she did. apparently his wife said to him that it's probably because I'm jealous. Don’t know any more details, but he basically told my wife that because I have a problem with this he can no longer have her working with him. There might be other reasons behind it but I’m glad this will be over. My wife is really pissed off at him

[Raymond]

Wow that is good news Nicos. It couldn't have worked out better really.

Did you pray about this or something?

[chosen]

brilliant news.
it may still be good for you both to discuss sensible boundaries for the future with her behaviour with the opposite sex.

[marriagebootcamp]

While I was reading your post, I am deeply sadden. But when I found out that your wife was fired, it seems like the world conspired to bring you back together. But I think it is still much better to seek advice from a marriage counselor.

[nicos2014]

So I made her meet the boss and talk about leaving this job. I made her record the conversation on her phone and she did. From that recording I found out that he's in love with her and that she slept with him. A lot of stress! She told me everything and I still love her and will try to survive it. It won't be easy but time will tell. I took a week of from work and we are working on our issues now. I'm very emotional now and I know she regrets this. I already forgave her but I'm just not sure if I will be able to forget. Thank you all for the support. Daniel.

[chosen]

of course you cant forget, she has betrayed you in the most serious of ways. I think you would benefit from some long term marriage counselling together, so that you can work our some clear boundaries for her future behaviour with other men.
I am sad she lied to you as well but hopefully if she is really repentant you can make it work.
It will take a very long time for you to trust again and she needs to let you have full and open access to her phone and computer at all times.

[Raymond]

It is good that it is all out in the open. Your unsettledness had good foundation. Your instincts were bang on. His wife was obviously unsettled about it as well. I hope this will now lead to a better marriage in time and that your relationship will improve.