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Old 10th May 2007, 06:54 PM   #1
overton
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Unhappy My story...

My experience kicked off over the course of the Easter weekend. My W had arranged to visit someone she met on a trip to Paris and arranged a baby sitter for the couple of hours she’d be gone while I went to the footie. When I got home from the match I found her sitting in tears talking to her sister. I shrugged it off and thought no more of it until the next day. It’s maybe worth noting that we’ve been together 15 years and married for 11 years. She’s 33 and I’m 40. We have 2 daughters, 6 and 3 years old.
It was obvious something was far wrong. I put my arms around her and said ‘Come on… what’s up with you?’. It was then that things started to spill out. I can’t remember exactly what was said and what happened. I just remember the feeling of something being seriously wrong and that our marriage was in real trouble.
The arguments went on for a couple of days fuelled mainly by my desire to get to the root of the problem. I just couldn’t believe we were in such a serious mess. Over the course of a couple of days I walked out of work twice as I just couldn’t handle the pressure of my job coupled with the problems at home. During this time, I took our eldest daughter to the pictures with some of her friends. Naturally, I couldn’t concentrate on the flick as my mind was elsewhere. However, you can imagine my surprise when a text message came in from my W saying that she loved me and could we work things out. Naturally, I was delighted and in floods of tears in the middle of the hall. When we got home, we had a big, long kiss and I thought everything was right with the world again. How wrong can one guy be!
The next day she phoned me at work and it was coming across that she had changed her mind. I fled the office and headed home. It was at this point another element of the story emerged… the OM! The person she’d gone to meet while I was at the footie wasn’t female after all. She’d met this individual on a work-paid trip to Paris and, at this point, they had only ‘enjoyed’ a kiss and a cuddle. Naturally, I went ballistic and told her to pack and leave. She refused and left the room. 5 minutes later I had calmed down somewhat and she came back to the room. We talked rationally for a while and discussed a trial separation to allow her time to get her head together. I asked her to go to marriage counselling and she agreed so I set about setting something up.
In between times, I put together a compilation CD of tracks that would appeal to her and left it in the car for her to find. When she had listened to it she sent me another text saying that she really loved me and that she’d stay to work things out. Needless to say it didn’t last.
The counselling proved to be a disaster. We were late for the first appointment as we couldn’t find the place and during the second session my W flat refused to acknowledge any of my suggestions as to what could possibly be wrong with our relationship nor did she put forward any proposals of her own. The counsellor said there was no common ground between us in order to move forward. Upset and angry I finished the session 15 minutes early as I just couldn’t take it anymore. When we got home I ripped my rings off and put them away. A few hours later I found her on the couch bubbling her eyes out. When I asked her what was wrong she said that she felt she was losing her best friend. For the umpteenth time I explained that I felt that that was what long-term relationships eventually became. She noticed I had removed my rings and took hers off too. I spoke to our eldest daughter and asked if she’d sleep with her sister so that I could sleep in her room.
After this, I told her that I was pretty busy over the coming weekend and she asked if she could have a couple of hours to herself to go and visit a colleague. You can guess the rest…
It turned out that she went to see the OM apparently to end the relationship. However, they found it ‘too hard’ and it ended in a hotel room romp. He paid for the room, she bought the condoms… ‘Well done sweetheart’, I thought to myself. ‘That was so mature of you!’. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing nor could I believe that I hadn’t lashed out either physically or verbally. Later, she told me that she felt she had fallen in love with the OM who, incidentally, has a partner of 14 years with 2 kids. I said that she really hadn’t given herself enough time to make any rational decision and that we should work on our relationship to try and work out the difficulties before doing anything. The only thing I insisted on was a level playing field, the OM had to go. She said OK but I could tell that it wasn’t going to happen so the next morning, having failed to get any sleep at all, I told her we were finished and gave her my wedding rings. Her reaction was ‘are you telling me this because it’s what I want to hear?’. When I said she was now free to pursue the other relationship she said that our problem was nothing to do with him. I went back to bed but she followed me shortly after. She asked ‘what if I had wanted to try and work things out?’. I told her that I didn’t feel she had any intention of giving me a level playing field and that it was a waste of time. She turned away and left seconds later without saying another word. Before she left for work she kissed both girls goodbye and planed a kiss on my cheek. I had dressed for work but called my boss asking if I could take the day off. I didn’t tell my W as I wanted some ‘me’ time. My mother-in-law was going to watch the youngest girl while the other was at school. Shortly afterwards I got a text from my W telling me that she had e-mail’d the OM telling him that she didn’t want any contact at all. I was vetting phone calls, both land-line and mobile, and it became apparent very quickly that she knew I wasn’t at work. She finally left a voicemail message asking me to at least let her know that I was OK. I sent a text saying that I was fine. Next thing I know she’s coming through the front door and she was blazing angry to find me sitting playing on-line poker. She did apologise later saying that she had no right to be angry.
It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions as I’m sure you’ve all experienced. I’ve been leaving little notes all over the place for her to find but my attempts to ‘fix’ things are just making it worse so it’s time to detach as suggested elsewhere in this forum. I’ve been getting a lot of good support from friends and have spent more time with them than I normally would. We’ve arranged a day at a rock concert in July, something I’d normally turn to my W first and try to entice her along but I think it’s time to accept it’s over… unless she has a very sudden change of heart!
This is a long story. I’ll have missed a lot out but things that are sticking in my throat are that I’ve spent the last 2.5 years studying for a professional qualification to improve my job prospects. I was about a year off completing it and had a job interview lined up when this all kicked off. Subsequently, I pulled out of the next lot of exams and the interview which has made me sick. I put this forward as a problem and she said it wasn’t. I’ve spent more time in the books than I have with my W and kids so I can’t help but feel that it’s had an impact. She complains of a lack of spark and says that it was never there in the first place. She loves me but she’s not in love with me; she doesn’t fancy me anymore; she can’t see herself having sex with me ever again (which isn’t bad as we had been enjoying sex in the days leading up to the start of this mess!); she’s changed; she wants a fresh start/challenge. Unbelievable…
As the lawyer I consulted said to me ‘If the kids could have a voice in this I wonder what they’d say?’.
Gut feeling at this time is that the OM is still in the background pulling strings. I'm sure of this because of the way she's talking and acting. Looks like I'd be trying to climb Everest facing a force 9 gale trying to put this back together again.
I’ll finish here as this tale of woe is already long enough. If you’re still awake at this point, well done and thanks for listening!!
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Old 10th May 2007, 11:15 PM   #2
David H
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Re: My story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by overton View Post
It was at this point another element of the story emerged… the OM! .... It turned out that she went to see the OM apparently to end the relationship. However, they found it ‘too hard’ and it ended in a hotel room romp. He paid for the room, she bought the condoms…
... she told me that she felt she had fallen in love with the OM ....
The following quote may offer you some insight into your situation...

David

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/m...26/ai_13700396

Psychology Today, May-June, 1993 by Frank Pittman, III

Romantic Infidelity

"Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of failing in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet."

"An affair with someone grossly inappropriate - someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own - is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again."

"Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better."

"Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape."

"People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born - any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up."

"The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones."

"Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love."

"Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads - at least for a while."
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Old 11th May 2007, 08:17 AM   #3
Raymond
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Re: My story...

She is acting sluttish whatever. Ruining her own marriage, ruining someone elses, not to mention all the children involved. It is not really the right way to carry on. She is putting the knife in you Overton. I hope you can forgive her.

Raymond
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Old 11th May 2007, 08:47 AM   #4
overton
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Re: My story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by David H View Post
when they achieve an unexpected level of job success
Cheers David... had read this on another thread.

The trip to Paris was a reward from her employer for all her hard work over the last year. Unfortunately for me, the OM was also given the same reward. Besides, she tells me that if it hadn't been him it would have been someone else.

Raymond... not sure if I like the use of the word 'sluttish' but I think it's because I still look on her as my wife. Dunno if I can forgive her but she really has been putting the knife in.

Thanks for the comments guys.
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Old 11th May 2007, 08:48 AM   #5
overton
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Re: My story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Ruining her own marriage, ruining someone elses, not to mention all the children involved.
Funnily enough, the OM has never married! Hmmmm..... wonder why??
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Old 11th May 2007, 10:34 AM   #6
overton
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Re: My story...

Help... we had decided that we'd go out tonight for a while but I let the subject slip as I was trying to 'detach' myself. However, she's now sent a text asking what's happening tonight. Don't know what to do now!
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Old 11th May 2007, 10:47 AM   #7
calmfornow
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Re: My story...

Just tell her that you've made other plans..............................
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Old 11th May 2007, 11:15 AM   #8
overton
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Re: My story...

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Originally Posted by calmfornow View Post
Just tell her that you've made other plans..............................
Got out of it by putting the ball back in her court. I asked if she still wanted to go and her response was that 'we haven't been talking much lately'. Besides, I'm loaded with the cold and will quite happily go home to bed anyway.
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Old 11th May 2007, 02:03 PM   #9
overton
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Re: My story...

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Originally Posted by billyboy View Post
hi overton

Put the ball in your wifes court and she will just do what the hell she likes anyway

I put the ball in my wifes court about going to relate or similar back in February , and she hasnt bothered her backside to arrange anything .
This is where it becomes a lose-lose situation for people in our situation. Attempts to 'fix' things only result in further division whereas 'detaching' from them can have the same result. I think I've had more success with the latter so that's what I'm sticking too. You'd have to gauge your own situation and decide what route to take as I'm sure every one is different. I can't bring her back... she has to find her own way back. If she doesn't then I wouldn't be getting my feelings for her reciprocated.

The marriage counsellor offered 1 on 1 counselling which I took but my wife refused. I was the one who made all the running to set the sessions up in the first place. She has to want to change herself... I can't do it for her. I've done as much running trying to 'fix' things as I'm willing to do. It's her turn... I'm here if she wants me.

Quote:
I got the we havent talked much speech last night actually ,what do they expect ? To say and do what they like and then get general conversation as if nothing is the matter irrespective of your feelings and the fact that you feel torn to bits by them (well yes that is exactly what they expect apparently )

Fits in with the "when was the last time we had fun with each other or you took me out speech "? ( well my love that was probably the time before when you told me you didnt want me or love me I imagine because I have been on the floor in limbo since !!)
Yup... she says we never go anywhere just as a couple but I know that in the past I've made suggestions and she's said 'no - money's tight so lets just leave it'. Now she's wanting me to talk to her as if nothing has happened. I've tried but it ain't working.


Quote:
I imagine you have your uses though overton so you are handy to have around like me .
Cooking, cleaning, washing, good wage, good prospects, honest, dependable, love her dearly, good in bed ( )... could probably have been more romantic and stopped lecturing her about smoking but these things can be changed.


Quote:
Good luck mate ! good to read your story and I think it helps to tell it to someone (did me anyway )
Cheers!


Quote:
p.s. did you leave a copy of that MLC thing for her to read ? I accidentaly blurted out that i have a secret diary last night , (which i do, and i document what she is like with me in it and any things i notice or want to remember)

Anyway I have printed that out too and gonna leave it in my diary so that if she does look for it she will also find that

I sent her an e-mail with a link which she did follow through on. The only thing she said was that it covered a lot of the conversations we had had.

I don't think I can do anything else. I've got counselling on Wednesday so I'll see what comes out of that. My concern now is for the kids. She's intent on pressing her self-destruct button so I'll have to position myself between them and her so that I take the brunt of the blast and fall-out. Suicide? Yup... but, to quote Kylie, 'don't mind doing it for the kids'.
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Old 12th May 2007, 12:12 AM   #10
Anne22
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Re: My story...

Hi Overton,

So sorry you are having such a terrible time - I really do feel for you - your w sounds just as selfish as my h!!!

I hope you can sort things out very soon and that the kids are ok - all this stuff can be so damaging to them and that has been my main worry!

Good luck and thinking of you!

Love Anne22 xx
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Old 12th May 2007, 11:29 AM   #11
Raymond
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Re: My story...

Hi Overton. I did see a chink of light when you said your wife was going to finish it then ended up sleeping with him The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak. That why I said she was acting sluttish not that she is one. Sorry if I offended you.

I would say your wife lived too much on emotions and not enough on her will. Most people can get tempted but they are capable of making the right decision and staying faithful. Love goes deeper than just feelings. Real love would have put you first. I fear that it's lust which has shipwrecked her. Drinking can add to that lack of control. I hope she can come to her senses and get her priorities right. Feelings are wonderful in the right place, but out of control they can be devastating.

Raymond
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Old 12th May 2007, 11:53 AM   #12
overton
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Re: My story...

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Originally Posted by Raymond View Post
Sorry if I offended you.
No offence taken. You said what was on your mind and I respect you for that.
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Old 14th May 2007, 10:31 AM   #13
overton
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Re: My story...

Update...

I have hardly spoken to her this weekend and stayed out of her way as much as possible. The pressure is taking it's toll as she said the way things were going then she definately wanted to split. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm doing things the right way...

However, she went to her sisters house on Saturday night and I asked what they had planned. Watching her closely, my initial reaction to her body language was that she was lying but I'm wondering if that's just my current state of mind.

We sat last night and watched 'Little Children'... not a good idea! The storyline revolves around 2 people who are obviously unhappy in their existing relationships and go on to have an affair. She found the movie slow whereas I quite enjoyed it. I was determined to stick it out to the end to see where the 'happy couple' finished. Strangely enough, they ended up back in their normal relationships. What gutted me about the film though was the suggestion that people in that situation only have 2 options... have a string of undisclosed affairs and struggle on with the h/w or leave the h/w. There was no mention of sitting down and discussing the problem seriously with the spouse. My gut reaction here is that TV/Film don't show this side of things and what couples can do to resolve marital difficulties. Unfortunately, I think my w lives in an Eastenders script where it's the norm for characters to abandon long-term relationships in the hope of finding happiness elsewhere.

Vent over... thanks for listening.
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Old 14th May 2007, 11:59 AM   #14
overton
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Re: My story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by billyboy View Post
Saying that could be worse like hello magazine or the other one ,, she doesnt get them ,, though then again if she did at least I could look at the pictures !
I buy 'The Herald'... she buys 'The Daily Star'... maybe I should realise we are 2 very different people and move on. Having said that I don't mind page 3 of her chosen paper!

This is the worst time of my life and I'm cracking jokes...

She threw me a party to celebrate my 40th at the start of the year and I couldn't have been any happier. My feeling then was that it was going to be a great year especially when my studying was starting to bear fruit.
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Old 16th May 2007, 12:18 PM   #15
overton
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Re: My story...

Off to counselling this afternoon and I have to be honest and say that I'm dreading it. I've no idea where to start or what to say. I think it will just be a matter of getting there and let everything blurt out.

I'm still working on detaching myself from her. Got through yesterday without texting or calling her but slipped up when one of her pals called. I was taking measurements of the house with the help of a friend when the pal called. She asked where my w was and I told her that she was at work... or at least that was where I thought she was. She then text my wife who called me to say that she was at her work and nowhere else. I felt like such a fool for getting sucked into that!

I made a point of trying to get back into studying. I've worked too damn hard for too damn long now to let it slip. Unfortunately, the study was dominated with the kids playing on the PC so I deliberately grabbed a text book and sat in the living room with her to try and show that I'm 'healing'. I also drew up a schedule for the next 5 weekends showing things I was intending to do and left it on the dining room table for her to find. She said it looked pretty full. My answer was that it was to allow us to plan what we're both doing round the kids. Whether this shows that I'm 'healing' or not remains to be seen. My gut feeling today is that I can hardly even look on her as being a friend never mind my w.
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