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Old 6th January 2005, 04:41 PM   #1
bal
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Looking for Directions on a Long and Winding Road

Sorry to lumber you all with such a lengthy piece of autobiography but its the only way of explaining my mindset. (Sorry if there's the odd spelling mistake).

I'm stuck in a maze and am stuggling to see which direction to go in next! Any advice would be gratefully received.

I'm a forty-year old profesional guy who's pretty passive and was not brought up to be very emotional or physical.

My wife is two years younger, has been a housewife for twelve years, is very forceful privately, but less confident outside the home.

We met via a newspaper ad in 1991, both on the rebound from intense relationships.

Neither of us had much in the way of a teenage love life. (I'm the oldest of two brothers, my wife is the youngest of three sisters).

I'm from a reasonably close (but unemotional) family background; my wife had a miserable childhood with her mother, still gets on well with her father, but has little or no contact with the rest of her extended family.

I have many (male) friends from work and college, my wife has virtually no close friends (male or female).

We got on well with one another (true love may be too strong a term) had many common interests and my wife-to-be moved in with me in 1992. Our emotional life (and sex life) was not great, but we still enjoyed our time together. Soon my wife announced that she was pregnant. I was still not certain that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but partly from affection for her and partly because I wanted to take responsibility for my child, I expressed my happiness, and never even contemplated a separation or proposed a termination. From what my wife tells me now, she got pregnant by me deliberately because she was fed up with being messed around by men and wanted to build her own family who would give her the affection that she never had from hers when growing up. My wife left her factory job and our first son was born in July 1993.

We continued to live an active life. My wife found motherhood extremely fulfilling, had no desire to return to work (nor did I wish her to) and soon wanted a second child. I was reluctant, still not certain that I wanted to be with her for ever, but at the same time wanting to be the best father. My wife's persuasive nature won through and my first daughter was born in 2004.

My wife's fulfilment was even greater. I was an extremely attentive dad, and took an equal, if not more than equal share of child raising. I changed jobs to one which involved less travelling. By this time our social life was on the wane. My wife seemingly had no need for friends or her own, or contact with her family and gradually also found reasons for not associating with mine.

I started to grow resentful of this, but a combination of my wife's persuasive nature and her talent for making me feel guilty about the sexual side of our relationship, made me feel as if I had to support her point of view as I was not pleasing her much in other ways. From this time if not earlier, my wife regularly started telling me to 'leave if I wasn't happy' if I tried to express my views.

In 1995, the cycle was repeated - again my wife wanted a child. Despite initial reluclance I conceded and she soon fell pregnant (we seem to be extremely compatible in the fertility stakes). In Autumn 1995 we spotted an advert for a job which matched my capabilities in the USA. I applied and got it. Because it would lead to visa complications if we didn't wed, I asked my wife to marry and we organised a quick registry office event, attended only by both sets of parents and my brother. (I found the wedding emotional but in moments of anger my wife still reminds me of her dislike of the event). We didn't have time to honeymoon, moving to Miami in 1995, at the same time as several other Brits, my wife seven months pregnant. Our second daughter was born in the US in 1996. The US trip didn't work well. I travelled a fair amount with my job and had little chance to negotiate a change. My wife and family travelled with me on one occasion but spend more time alone in Miami. My wife made little effort to socialise with the other Brits or any other neighbours, just spending large sums on toys for our children (who were still of a pre-school age). Life grew inceasingly stressful. Even if I was at home for several weeks, my wife was already anticipating my next trip and voicing her disapproval. I negotiated a return to the UK with the same employer in early 2007.

Since then the same pattern has repeated itself. We have two more children. I now have a reasonably well paying job that gets me home almost every night, allows me to be flexible with starting and finshing times, and thus to participate in more domestic duties than most working dads. My wife is an admirable Mum, lavishing every energy on the unbringing of our family. She is a permanent source of emotional support to the children, and is determined that they don't suffer the same way as she did as a child from lack of love and educational encouragement. I complement her well by being able to help with domestic chores, homework and music. Our children are all doing well at school and musically. My only regret is that they have few friends outside school. My wife's social reluctance is now also applied to the friends of our children.

One question in your mind may be - how do they afford this lifestyle? We don't spend extravagently, have a three bedroom house, have not got expensive cars, take occasional 'bargain' holidays and go out little, but the size of our family and our desire to give our kids every opportunity mean that outgoings exceed income substantially on a day-to-day basis. My jobs have always paid OK, but we have still used all of my savings built up before I met my wife, the samller amount of savings which my wife had, together with financial gifts from her father when he retired. Fortunately due to the growth in house prices we still have some equity in our house. My wife occasionally panics about money, but refuses to keep financial records herself, regarding it as my responsibility, and an inadequacy of mine that I can't 'provide for my family', particularly where holidays, cars, and a bigger house are concerned. I never mention her working as I know that the kids would suffer, although I have helped her through one nighschool class leading to a qualification.

For a brief period I held down a very well paying job which involved some European travel. I took it with some trepidation based on the US experience but knew that we needed the extra income. Needless to say, through a combination of my lack of assertiveness, my wife's objection to my time away from the family, and her insistance that when at home I helped with domestic chores, I was made redundant within nine months. Fortunately my good relationship with my previous employer allowed me to soon regain my previous (although substantially lower paying) role.

Our life then settled into the current routine. My wife's affection for her children and our lack of an individual bedroom for each means that whichever is the youngest has shared our bed. This has applied for the majority of our last ten years. I get up early and sort ironing, clothes etc. My wife deals with emotional issues involved with packing the kids off to school. I get to work at 9:30, leave at 6 and do a lot of the food shopping on the way back. My wife cooks, I help the kids with homework, music etc., we jointly get the kids to bed and then I wash up etc. My wife is knackered by 9pm and generally retires to bed with the youngest. I'm generally in bed by 10:30-11:00. My wife has a passion for having her back rubbed, and I do this for her most nights. She also loves to physically joke with me (tickling etc.) before going to sleep. However (probably due to my moderate one-off sexual performance) and because she makes me feel too inadequate for sex there is little else. The only difference in routine at weekends is that my wife goes shopping with a couple of the children. I look after the others at home, take them for local walks, tidy the house and help them with homework and music. Believe me it is too stressful to go shopping as a family! My wife and I very rarely go out as a twosome as she would not trust a babysitter other than her father, and she reguarly falls out with her Mum and therefore him, and also because we can't really afford it. My wife doesn't trust me to do anything more adventurous with any of the individual children - this stems from an incident ten years ago when a dog which she bought was run over and killed when I was walking it at night. I dream of taking the kids hillwalking or to a sports event but she won't countenance it, and tells me so regularly.

However now we now have another challenge. For several years my wife has wanted to relocate to Australia. This desire started before reality TV shows, and is partly because one of her sisters is now in Oz (although she doesn't like it much), but more because of a desire to give our children a better life 'in the sun' and distance herself from the rest of her family, and any other UK ties (including my family and friends). Due to her passion for the move I supported her in the visa application process, and we are now due to move to Oz in the next few months.

As normal I'm not entirely convinced. I used to love travelling, but the domestic stress associated with previous jobs, and my certainty that in my profession I'm likely to encounter more of this in Oz, and will defintely have a less domestically flexible job than now worry me. Its looking likely that we'll have to travel without a job as despite my efforts it's proving difficult to land one from a distance. As I work in an IT related sector, I'm reasonably convinced that I'll find one, but not that it won't include the less desirable features above. The kids have varying degrees of enthusiasm for the move, but are not yet at critical eductational stages so will be OK.

My other major concern is that although financially we can't afford for the trip to fail it would not surpise me if the Florida experience is repeated. My wife has no concept of working through hardship if a brighter future lies ahead - she'd rather drop out immediately.

My reason for writing now is that I feel things are reaching a head. I thought that the New Year with prospect of change might mellow her. This was dispelled on New Year's Eve when a college friend of mine rang to propose visiting on New Years Day. I mentioned this to my wife and she went ballistic, despite us having no other plans, forcing me to cancel. (On the few occasions that I've tried to arrange social events in the past this is always the case - I even missed the 20th anniverasry reunion of all of of my college friends and their families because of it). We have literally entertained four or five times in seven years in our current house and have visited friends a similar number of times. My friends and family rarely call me now. I can't see how we'll survive in Australia with this isolationist attitude. My wife has told me that she doesn't get on with my friends and doensn't want anthing to do with them. I don't bother phoning friends or family from home any more as every call results in an outburst from her, when she's heard who I'm talking to.

Our sex life is little better. We had a holiday a couple of years ago where we had a separate room from the children and had some excellent nights. This proved to me that the main problem with my sexual performance is lack of practice. I can't perform to my maximum when only having the opportunity once every two months. In the past I've tried to address my wife's criticisms of my sexual ability by visitng my GP, printing internet articles or details of councillors. All of these remedies require both of us to be involved. My wife's reaction has always been when told this - 'It's your problem, you sort it out'. From time to time she'll tell me of her great sex life with her ex, or that she'll have to find another man.

Despite our problems, my wife always shares any of her concerns (helath, relationships, kids etc.) with me. On other occasions she calls me unsympathetic. If I try to share any of my worries (social life, money etc.) she dismisses my views saying - 'If you don't like it you know where the door is!'. I left once for a few days but soon received phone calls pleading for me to come back - partly probably prompted by the breakdown in domestic routine. Thereafter if I express disatisfaction the reaction is 'Sod off to your mum's again!'

My wife often tells me that I'm a great dad and often hugs and jokes with me. She's very loving with the kids and can be very emotionally generous. She regularly visits a sick relative of an acquaintance and takes the kids to play music to him in the nursing home. However within an hour she can then be throwing food that I've just bought across the room, telling me its rubbish, swearing at me and demeaning me in front of the kids, or calling her parents to tell them of my inadequacies. She's even organised the kids to tell me what a lousy dad I am when I've phoned home from one of my trips abroad.

If she was asked what her main problem with me is she would way 'lack of affection'. For a long while I've felt inhibited because although any physical affection between us improves our relationship in the short term, she soon resorts to her other pattern of behaviour. I don't feel able to grant the first if I know that the second will follow.

I don't know where all this will lead. We both love each other to a certain extent, both adore our children, and both appreciate the role that the other plays in their upbringing. We both still find each other attractive -my wife has a figure that would make childless women jealous. Neither of us would cheat on one another as we realise the damage that this would cause to our family life. I however feel that whatever continent we're on, the only routine which will work is the one we have now, where she sets the rules and I accept zero social life, hobbies and one-to-one outings with the kids. I find this depressing but the only way to survive. I guess the most important factor must be that the kids are thriving.

Maybe I need to make a move to express my affection more in order to break down the barriers, but don't know how to do this. I buy flowers and chocolates and tell her I love her regularly. We can't often go out together and definitely couldn't go away without this children. A renewal of our marriage vows could work but again we can't really afford it.

Sorry to ramble on at great length but I'm really having a problem working out where all this is heading.

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Old 6th January 2005, 04:57 PM   #2
Liz
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Join Date: Jul 2001
Posts: 662
Re: Looking for Directions on a Long and Winding Road

Dear Bal,

You seem to have settled into a pattern of behaviour which goes round in a cycle. You say that your wife won't consider counselling - do you think that she might consider an enrichment weekend, which doesn't carry the stigma of "We've got problems", but is about acknowledging that every marriage can grown and improve. Why not have a look at the programmes available. They offer the chance to break the cycle and improve communication and the opportunity for some space together. Most of them respect the privacy of your relationship, so your wife won't have to socialise or share anything personal with others.

It would certainly be a good idea to do something before you head off for Australia.

Liz
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Old 6th January 2005, 06:35 PM   #3
bal
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Re: Looking for Directions on a Long and Winding Road

Thanks for the advice Liz, and the trouble that you've taken to read my ramblings.
I suspect I'll get the 'I haven't got a problem .. it's you' treatment, and the childminding logisitics could be a problem, but I'll have a read.
It could be that the Australian experience will improve things dramatically ... but then again the US scenario could repeat itself.
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Old 7th January 2005, 01:48 AM   #4
Ernie
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Smile Re: Looking for Directions on a Long and Winding Road

Hi Bal
You obviously have a good base to work on. Despite there being issues that need to be sorted, you obviously both love each other very much and depsite the problems in the past, you've stuck together.

I think that some compromises are in order. Sit down together and both make lists of what you want, from each other and from the relationship. Toss a coin and the winner gets to start.
Alternate beween yourselves and give each other a chance to talk with no interruptions.
Make it a RULE that it is to be a sensible and productive excersize with no arguing. If things are getting tense or you feel you have done enough, put the list aside and eithe plan another day to continue or go and have a cup of tea and a change of subject before continuing.
Try to meet each other halfway in every subject.

Marriages are hard work and we all have to do things we don't particularly want to do, so grit your teeth and bear it.


Do you really want to uproot when there are problems? I think it's best to get them sorted so you can make a fresh start and not use the move as a temporary band aid. You have predicted that it may well settle and history will repeat iteslf.

Good luck and I hope that you get your lives back on track.
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Old 7th January 2005, 12:17 PM   #5
bal
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Re: Looking for Directions on a Long and Winding Road

Thanks for your kind words Ernie - yes the foundations are good - we just need to find some middle ground.
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