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Old 15th May 2011, 01:48 PM   #1
Lassie123
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Am I a fool?

I have been with my husband since I was 17 and married for 20 years. We have 3 school age children. He has cheated on me before and I think something is brewing again. An incriminating text message came through on his old mobile - he's just got a new contract phone which he took away on a course with him. I rang and told him about the message which was along the lines of can't meet you tonight. He denied any knowledge of the number and said would find out. I have now checked the online itemised bill and discovered he has been ringing and texting this number all week.

I have never cheated on him.I am not perfect but I am a pretty good wife. It tore me apart when I found out about his cheating before but I have three young kids, no close family (either distance or emotiional) and I don't want to divorce. Why should the kids lives be devastated because of us? But I will not be a doormat. I am waiting for him to call back about this. Do I return the message with a Who are you? Leave it? Help.
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Old 15th May 2011, 02:41 PM   #2
chosen
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Re: Am I a fool?

HI Lassie
I am so sorry for this, it must be so terrible to have a man who is unfaithful.
Well he has denied knowing what this message is, and has clearly lied because he has been ringing it all week. So it does seem that something is going on.
If it is another woman, then she may well deny anything if you do send it back.Why not ring the number and see what name is given when he/she replies?At least then you will know who it is.

What job does he do? Is he away or out at odd times? Would he have opportunity to see a woman in ther evenings or at other times? How many times has he cheated before and was he repentant?
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Old 15th May 2011, 03:13 PM   #3
Helen_uk
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Re: Am I a fool?

Lassie,

If you let him get away with this then you're signing yourself up for a lifetime of it. You've forgiven him once, he hasn't learned from it . Maybe he doesn't believe you'd really leave him ?

If there is an innocent explanation I'm struggling to find it. He's denied knowing who's on the end of that number , yet he obviously does as he's been ringing and texting it all week. If it was innocent then why not say who it is ?

Secrets of any kind in a marriage are not good news, secret mobile phone contact is definitely not good news. How much opportunity to cheat does he have ?

Kids are just as devastated by being in the middle of an unhappy marriage as they are with divorced parents , remind yourself you didn't cause this situation.

When he gets home, show him the evidence and see what explanation he has, trust your gut instinct, it's rarely wrong . And yes, you could try ringing the number and see if a female answers , at least if he tries to palm it off as a male mate , you'll know he isn't being honest.
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Old 15th May 2011, 03:28 PM   #4
Forever
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Re: Am I a fool?

He's cheating.

I would not put myself through all the detective crap, interrogations, accusations ect...at this point. Why? Well, you say you dont want a divorce in spite of what he has been caught at before, and what he is doing now. Your goal is to provide stability for your three children. His goal is to eat cake.

I would just sit him down and tell him that you are aware of what is presently going on, and what went on in the past, and that you do not want to risk diseases from having sex with him...since you need to maintain health to raise the children. Tell him that since he obviously wants sexual relationships outside the marriage, to go for it, but leave YOUR body alone hence forth. Then focus all your energy on raising your children. This way, you will not be a doormat.

I am sure he will be delighted in having such unobstructed freedom, and you will have what you need to finish raising the children without all the drama that goes with trying to contain the behavior of a cheater.
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Old 15th May 2011, 03:51 PM   #5
Lassie123
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Re: Am I a fool?

Thank you for your replies. He has just started a new job after being unemployed for a while. Whilst he was home it was lovely - very very hard financially but nice family time. He previously cheated with a boss whom he obviously now doesn't work for. He worked away a lot as part of that job. He was repentant and I believed him. Since questioning him he has phoned every few hours telling me where he is, and details which can be checked. I'm hoping this has nipped in the bud anything that was going to happen. This is so hard because most of the time he's a really lovely guy and we have been together so long. He's home next week and we have agreed to have a long talk to see where we go. For my own peace of mind I need the truth, and to know he can be honest with me, before I can really make any decision
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Old 15th May 2011, 04:39 PM   #6
Raymond
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Re: Am I a fool?

Sounds a little hope there in my view Lassie. I am encouraged that you will not be a doormat because that is exactly what you could be if he is allowed to do this and have you as well. He has repented once about the original incident and it seems that he could be drifting into something else if he is not careful. It is time to be really up front I think. You need to confront as Forever has suggested. Let him get wind that your antenna is up. Maybe this will be enough if he seriously does not want to get involved in an affair but is just being tempted. If he is on your side and fights it then there is hope. If he hides it and lies and there were signs that this was the case then it is bad news. A battle has to be fought to turn it around it seems and I hope he wins and comes out on the right side.
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Old 15th May 2011, 05:26 PM   #7
chosen
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Re: Am I a fool?

Lassie
Is he away for his job at the moment then?Is he with others as well?

Him ringing you every few hours means nothing if he is lying to you about this number. it appears that he was arranging to meet this person one evening. He denies knowing anything about it. You found out that he has rung and texted this number several times, therefore he is lying to you. Why is he lying if it is all innocent? If it was a work colleague then why did he not tell you?
He needs to be honest with you about who this person is that he was arranging to meet. If there is no honesty then what is there? I would ring and see who answers. She/he will probably give their name, and you can put the phone down and dont have to say anything.
Of course if it is a lady, he may have warned her that she texted him on the old number and warned them that you may be ringing, but at least then you will know.
If he knows nothing about this person on this number, then why is he texting and ringing it while he is away from home? I am sorry Lassie, but it seems suspicious to me. I hope I am wrong but at the very least he is lying to you.

Last edited by chosen; 15th May 2011 at 06:41 PM.
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Old 15th May 2011, 07:41 PM   #8
Forever
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Re: Am I a fool?

I am sure he is a lovely guy, no doubt about that. You would not knowingly marry a monster or have three children with him. But his personality is not what is in question here...his character is. A lovely guy that has a weakness for the ladies and getting his ego and other parts stroked is what the problem is. The fact that he is a married man with three young children is in a different catagory for him. He may feel that he can handle having both.

You are human, and the further you distance yourself from the emotional impact of not being able to trust him, the better off your children will be. There are many things you can do to endure this without calling it "quits" if that is what you wish to do...but you cannot have it both ways. You cannot dictate his moral choices for him without him consenting to it, and if you try to hold him accountable without consequences then you are no more than hot air blasting in his direction.
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Old 15th May 2011, 08:11 PM   #9
chosen
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Re: Am I a fool?

I have to agree with you forever
My dad was a lovely man in many ways, but he also cheated on my mum and lied to her, and to my brother and I.
However cheating and lying is NOT lovely, it is awful and cruel.
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Old 15th May 2011, 09:36 PM   #10
Lassie123
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Re: Am I a fool?

I braved it and rang then texted the number. It was a girl (18) who had been trying to get hold of someone else (I know, but wait). She had been dating a 28 year old guy (way too young to be my hubby) who mum and friends didn't like (logistics rule my hubby out for this as he's been home for a year bar a week in January). She found out he had a girlfriend and he changed his number. Someone gave a number (ours) telling her it was 28s. My hubby had replied to texts and messages - no I'm not your 28, sorry but stop wasting your time, etc. She admitted being persistent coz thought he was. Really apologetic, sorry for any hassle, etc and the teen-speak was obvious. She really seemed genuine. So now have to sit down for good talk with him and work out the trust issues. I don't think I will ever be anything other than wary but hope this has a happy ending
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Old 15th May 2011, 09:41 PM   #11
Forever
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Re: Am I a fool?

Sounds promising...what about the text that said something about "cant meet you tonight"?
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Old 15th May 2011, 09:46 PM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Am I a fool?

Wow that was a fright for a moment. An easy mistake to make. Alls well that ends well but it did look bad for a minute. You are being human to check because of the history and at least you found out that there was nothing to worry about.
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Old 15th May 2011, 10:14 PM   #13
chosen
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Re: Am I a fool?

So why didnt he tell you this when you asked? Why did she text him saying 'sorry I cant meet you tonight?'. Why has he actually been phoning HER number all week if he doesnt know her?

The main thing that I dont understand is, how did she find out his new mobile number to ring/text him on, and how did he know she had been texting and phoning him if she had only texted him once, and that was on his old mobile phone?. He is away and hasnt got his old mobile phone with him, and you said that she had only sent him one text message. Maybe I am missing something?Maybe I have just got confused???????

You just need to be careful, this may be ok and he may well be innocent, but keep an eye on the online phone calls and texts for a few weeks just to be sure.

Last edited by chosen; 15th May 2011 at 10:24 PM.
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Old 15th May 2011, 10:51 PM   #14
Lassie123
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Re: Am I a fool?

She texted/left messages persistently because she believed he was "28". He replied saying he wasn't (again and again - we have nephews & nieces around this age and he was trying to be nice). He should have told me. Old mobile was switched off over a week ago and had message saying number had changed to new mobile for anyone who went thru to voicemail. I charged old phone so daughter could have a go with the camera and text came thru when charged. That message was for "28" before she was convinced of wrong number/identity. He has been ringing several new numbers due to new job/contacts etc and has memory like a sieve when it comes to telephone numbers so I am assuming that is why it didn't instantly spring to mind. Re-checked updated bill - calls were short (30-60 secs mainly) and there were in fact only 4 calls over the week and 5 texts. Initially this looked like loads until I re-checked full details. I will keep an eye on things just to make sure.
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Old 15th May 2011, 10:54 PM   #15
Forever
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Re: Am I a fool?

Good questions Chosen...
Im sitting here thinking that if he just got a new mobile, and has been ringing and texting this girl all week while gone...how does she know about the new mobile number and why would he keep responding to her (did he write her mobile down too in order to keep touch with her this whole week?)... or does he still have the old mobile with him and is using that one? HUH??? Also, if they were only texting and not speaking, that could explain why she could have thought it was the 28 rather than a wrong number. If they were actually talking, she would have recognized that it was not 28 by his voice.

Im confused too.
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