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Old 17th June 2010, 04:29 PM   #31
nojoy
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Thanx Fairy for your interest. I was busy with my work and also the visit of my in-laws. Now to answer your questions.
1. This is my first extra marital affair, i never ever imagined i could do anything like this. I always was a good guy who walked the straight and difficult path rather than taking any short cuts in life. I lost my dad very early in age and my life has been a constant struggle....I stood by values in life and always believed them. I am truely sorry for the affair and believe me it was hellish in itself where i tried to get out without hurting anyone. I trust people very easily and had loaned a huge sum of money to the other woman to help her get out of a debt situation at the early stages when i did not know her properly.
2. I will never ever get involved with any women in my life again, even if my wife leaves, i thing i will be very very happy alone. (please don't take offense).
If you read my previous threads you will understand my problems didnot start with this, it has a lot of history....and as for repenting it, you have no idea what i go through everyday, constant insults to me and my parents. yelling and shouting and accusations of the past, getting mad at insignificant issues and then redirecting the quarrel to the same old topic. Its my ultimate test of self control that i go through everyday. Its late in the evening in my place and i'm sitting in my office to avoid any showdown with her.
Since last night we were fighting, i was down on my knees all the time begging her to be quiet and sleep but she goes hysterical and there is no control, the only option remains is to walk out. Today morning she said she is sorry and i said do not even think about it. By afternoon we had guest over for lunch and after that we were resting. My daughter and my wife slept off and started watching World Cup match, she gets up and restarts the fight again, i didn't want to make a scene in front of others and my daughter so i got out of the house and am in office.
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Old 17th June 2010, 04:50 PM   #32
nojoy
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Thank you Raymond for your understanding words....the way things are i think i will go crazy, i tried to make my in-laws understand the problem and made them listen to the recorded conversations of the other woman where she clearly mentions her intention of destroying my life. But now they dont seems to understand my side of the story.
All i ask now is a little bit of understanding, i'm begging for it, people say i must make her feel that i want her but how can i do that when it is filled with so much of bitterness. I have lost the right to say ' trust me' so how can i make her believe anything i do? my complete freedom is gone. I'm looked with suspicion for everything i do or not do, every action of mine is scrutinized and inspected under a microscope.

And Fairy, i have seen enough hardship in my life, i have virtually lived in hell as i'm in defense forces and have been in many battles / conflicts, but, they all seem bed of roses compared to what i'm going through now.

I am physically and verbally abused often now, i can take all that and i will do it but my only concern is what affect it is having on my daughter. I keep begging my wife not to do this in front of our daughter but her standard reply is ' i should have thought about it before'.

Though the total length of affair was of nearly two years, it was two years of hell for me. Why it lasted so long is i didn't want my wife to know about it and the other woman was threatening with dis-closer and suicide. She refused to return my money which she took as a loan with promise of returning. Its over 6 months now that the matter came to light and everyday is a question of survival for me.

I desperately want this marriage to work and that's why i am still here, taking all the abuses and with just sorry on my lips...but my patience is thinning out, This way, i will loose my sanity soon...
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Old 17th June 2010, 06:07 PM   #33
mdmquincy
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

On a whim, I am going to reply to this at my gut level. Take it for what it is worth.

Nothing can bloom is such poison soil. Either you have not made an adequate apology, or your wife is incapable of accepting a sincere and adequate apology. I say this not because things aren't peachy, but because the constant bitterness seems too extreme. If you are certain, CERTAIN, that you have made a full 5-layer apology and asked for forgiveness and understanding, you are going to have to set some boundaries. Let your wife know that the family cannot heal under current circumstances, you are going to have to politely insist on civility from her (all bets off for her family, sorry, though she could ask if she wanted). What does that look like? No undercuts, no mentioning the affair, no snide remarks, eye rolling, etc, unless it is a specified time. In return, you set time aside for discussing your wife's pain. Specific time and place to let her work through her feelings. Otherwise, you are both in a state of constant sabotage. Then, and only then, can you both work to rebuild the marriage.

What if she disagrees or refuses? Personally, I would create some of safety sign or space... I would write a letter telling your wife that you want to rebuild your marriage on a good strong foundation and love will come from your shared positivity. In order to save your marriage, you are willing to give her the time and space she needs to cool down until the next specified talking time. Now, if she rolls her eyes, I might remind her that during discussion time that you would like to allay her fears in concerns, but if the bad behavior continues. I would hand her the letter and leave for a few hours. Positive/ negative behavior modifications. Repeat as necessary. Make sure your away place is accountable and safe! Don't fuel the fire. .

That's what I'd do. FWIW.
J
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Old 17th June 2010, 06:31 PM   #34
Raymond
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Sounds a reasonable plan.

Most people would have some understanding of how awful an affair is, but the reaction following your repentance and desire to put it right is beginning to sound over the top. It's almost as if she just wants revenge, although I hope it isn't. Maybe she wants you to realise what you did when you already realise. It is not really her job to be judge and jury when you have already confessed your guilt.

I would ask her if she is ever going to forgive. If the answer is no then there can be no marriage in the sense of what a marriage should be. What is the point without forgiveness/ You did wrong but it is now going to take some effort from her to start again. If she is not willing then sadly your marriage may be over?

I think she does need counselling. Christian counselling if possible as that is where the virtue of forgiveness is best understood. It is for her own health to give forgiveness, not just the health of your marriage. It is very serious to be harbouring bitterness long term and could even affect her health. Perhaps you can see it like that and help her do the right thing for her sake. I think she is crying out for help and the only way she can express it is getting at you.

Raymond
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Old 17th June 2010, 08:17 PM   #35
Fairy
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Thanx for replying and not being offended by my questions.

Right now, your wife has lost respect for you.

The question i am asking myself is why is she still with you.

If she stays because she wants to work on the relationship betweem then why is she making all the fuss...

If she stays because she doesn't know what to do with her life ,where to go , how to support herself etc...then i suppose, on top of the cheating, there is hopelessness.she would only make your lives miserable by pitying herself until she figure out what she can do to come to term with that...

meaning , she doesn't really want to work on the relationship right now and doesn't know how to handle it so she snappes...

In any case, she is with you and shows some signs...anger might be a good sign that she is battling her feelings.

You see it's your home...right now she makes the rules and decides everyone else's mood in the house...because you've caused the situation.

Honestly, i can say this to you:you know your wife, you know what might calm her down, you might know deeply what rages inside her and probably choose to ignore it because you avoid conflicts...and she ressents you the more for it...
Begging on your knees and all that would not regain the trust and respect that is lost. right now, what she might wants to see is someone who aspire integrity and confidence not a wimpy man who is trying hard to make everyone forget his mistakes and let's move on...
It's time to assume and talk openly directly.
don't ever try to go back to the way things were before...it' will never be...even when things change.

Last edited by Fairy; 17th June 2010 at 09:21 PM.
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Old 11th August 2010, 05:46 AM   #36
nojoy's wife
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

we adopted a girl during the same time as you started the affair...
your girlfriend left her bag in my sister's car that you took for supposedly forsome mdnight recc to see her the first to me and when i asked you about it you said it belonged to someone's wife !
you repeatedly denied about the sms's or calls that you got from her while you were with me on my birthday or any other day....
you took holidays and breaks with her and none with me....
you did not only not feel desire with me in the last two years you made me feel each time we were intimate you made me feel cheap and i have cried many times after....
and now...how does it happen...vaigra....thinking about her or plain and simple the truth ...its all in the mind and what you choose.its about your choices.....

i thought you were working out your issues when you were writing here...you are right about one thing....you would be very happy alone......i can see that you think i abuse your mom and sister often....i thought that when we started fresh it would be a start of a new relation for them and me too...but they dont talk to me ...do they...your mother said she has problems of her own....so whatever i feel about them does it matter...as long as they feel nice in the company of some other woman for their son....and that they can talk to you now...more frequently then ever....
I must have been a bad wife...a terrible lover and a horrible human being...I did not deserve to be treated right by you ,your mother or your sister....
Why don't you leave me then?
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Old 11th August 2010, 06:33 AM   #37
nojoy
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

I'am happy to see my wife joining the forum. Our problem can be understood from better with opposing responses from both of us.
I once again reiterate that the affair was a lifetime mistake that i made and very very sorry for it. I understand that no amount of guilt will solve it for me. But, i want you back in my life and need you to believe me to this that i want to spend the rest of my life with you.
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Old 11th August 2010, 07:34 AM   #38
nojoy's wife
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

I read each and every comment on this forum and I have heard the tapes you made of your conversations with your girlfriend.......now I know why she hated me so much.
I will not explain my point of view......you tell me why you want to stay with me if I am such a horrible person ?
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Old 11th August 2010, 01:21 PM   #39
Raymond
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Hi No Joys wife. Welcome. It is unusual to have both husband and wife on here.

What I am hearing is Nojoys repentance falling on deaf ears. He obviously does not think you are a horrible person if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. His affair may have made you feel this, which is understandable. We have already covered that it was wrong, wrong, wrong. We all know that, but for a marriage to recover the repentance and forgiveness is vital, even if it takes time.

You are still in playback from what you have written. Nojoy needs to prove his love to you and how special he believes you are. The trust was broken and will take a time to grow again you can be sure, but the way forward is your forgiveness as well. Without that you are both going nowhere in this marriage. One cannot apologise forever for the rest of their life. If forgiveness is never going to be there then there is no future for him or you in your marriage. I think you can get there if you want to, however difficult you find it. If you want only vengeance and justice there is no future for you both in the mariage.

Nojoy you really need to show Mrs Nojoy how much you love her. This will take time as well. She needs to be your number one for the rest of your life so that you can put this awful affair behind you. You need to pull out the stops on this at this time if she will let you.

Raymond
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Old 11th August 2010, 03:47 PM   #40
koliver0821
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Are you kidding me? I dont hear one word of repentance from nojoy. Just justification. I think Nojoys wife is trying to figure out what she wants to do. AND SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO DETERMINE WHAT IS RIGHT FOR HER AND HER CHILDREN. The wounds of an affair cut very very deep. Especially at the level of deciept displayed by nojoy.

Now, nojoys wife. I do have some words for you. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones. If this marriage is even remotely salvageable, it is important for you to learn forgiveness. That wont happen until your husband first sees a counselor on his own. Then you can see one together and then you can decide what is best for you.

Honestly, none of this should be aired on here. If you need to here why he wants to stay with you, do it in person. The truth of the matter, he was trying to justify the affair not only to this other woman, but to himself as well. Now that it is in the open, he has no other choice but to come clean. It will take patience and time to get through this.... one way or the other.
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Old 11th August 2010, 06:37 PM   #41
nojoy
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Thank you Raymond and koliver0821 for your responses..
I guess it is unusual for both of us in this forum but maybe this difference can help us better. Considering where we are located, its still gives us a chance now to express our sides...

Koliver0821- there is no denying the gravity of my action and believe you me am extremely sorry for my actions - i dont know how to salvage the situation or to win back my wife's trust. All i can think of is just hang in there and be good and try to make her happy, win her trust back by small steps and actions. I just got to make it happen, come what may...
need awful lot of support and advise...
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Old 11th August 2010, 07:40 PM   #42
koliver0821
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Nojoy, this is probably the most difficult thing to hear. Your not going to "win" her back. She will ultimately decide if you are worthy of her attention. She is hurting. She will build walls, if she hasnt already around her heart (justifiably so). You will need to earn her trust by trusting actions. Doing whatever it takes. You cant afford to backslide. Not even the slightest bit.

You can't make her happy. Only she can make herself happy. She may have a hard time doing that right now. Especially with what she is dealing with. She is wrapping her arms around the idea that for the last two years, your marriage was a sham. It is a very difficult.

My wife's affair occurred during my period around my daughter's first communion. I see pictures of my daughter on facebook all happy and my wife and I all happy. HOWEVER, I also see comments from this guy that I hardly knew. They appear to be innocent but in retrospect, they were from the guy that my wife had an affair with. So now, looking back at those pictures does bring back pain and some bit of resentment. I have forgiven my wife, that's not to say that I have forgotten. Somtimes, there are little things that remind me that everything wasn't as they seem.

Christmas Cards, Valentines Day Cards, Father's Days Cards and the like. All filled with hand written words that felt like heartwarming words were basically all CRAP. It takes time to get over that. So give her space and let her work through this for her own sanity.
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Old 11th August 2010, 08:14 PM   #43
Raymond
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

I think Nojoy has shown repentance from my reading of the thread but I won't argue the point. It is correct that the trust must be rebuilt which will take time. I think that point is got across by now. Whether Mrs Nojoy believes in that repentance is another story but your life from hereon will speak to her more than words Nojoy. Without eventual forgiveness though, as discussed, there will be only stalemate.

Raymond
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Old 11th August 2010, 10:52 PM   #44
nojoy's wife
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

my husband is a good guy, and inspite of my anger i only want the best for him and he knows that...and that i don't know what will happen with our marriage but I still feel a lot of love for him.....he still makes my heart beat faster when I see him walking towards me like i have felt every single day of my life after i met him....

I did not hear the entire truth from him...i was told different stories each time.....that time when he complains i hit him.....i had decided that it was the past and we have to move on....i did feel that we have to be happy and i never really believed that he had no love for me.
i thought this woman fooled him with her lies and she lacked character......
and so when he started to play the music i playfully wanted to see this hard disk he said was official...and it had some more music...
then I was looking at the pictures he made of his mom and at the end were dozens of pictures with this lady and all happy cheerful pictures clicked by no other than my husband.....Also the entire collection was made like a video with special effects the way he never made one of mine.I guess i was shattered and torn and all the pent up feeling of the last 4 months surfaced....and i never feel angry enough to be violent before......and its not that he has never hurt me......


I have found small things cash receipts of the time,hotel trivia of diff cities and of course pictures that he has now deleted....

On his birthday she wrote a love poem just 2 months back under ficticious accounts....last week she sent another message on the facebook account and all of jan and feb we kept getting messages from her friend .

I know he would be a fool to go back to her because she not only abused him while they had the affair...she made her friends call me before any holiday with stories from different cities.i thought they were crank calls and my husband never wanted me to report them....she has sent sms's to my husband wishing our daughter to be abused sexually.she would keep telling him she is not your daughter in a mean menacing way...i have heard the tapes my husband thought i would never hear because he only shared what made him safe......and my daughter deserves a father who would stand up for her.
and i know we had great times together...we were great together......

the thing is that even if i do keep thinking about this girl and whatever the thing i feel mostly rejected by his mom.I feel while i am writing this...probably thing more about this that i feel terribly rejected by her .he is close to her and she has never liked me....and my husband is afraid of her.....like the time we got married and we were visiting his hometown and we got late and she got terribly upset,started screaming at me and had a fit out of worry......and in the middle of the night he could not let me get out of the room to go to the loo because he was afraid it would wake her.....once she got upset when he got me flowers and told me to lie about it...she scolded me about it......and a lot of incidents like and worse than this ...so him introducing this girl to her her taking a liking to her feels like i've been humilated all over again.

i called his mom after this thing a couple of weeks later when i found about the affair and i asked her...i told her i want things to work between him and me and i want us to go to him together the next time we go to his location....she was very cold and she said we would see whatever....but she did not come here .she keeps telling him that he has made the situation horrible for them completly forgetting she had a choice to be so open or not with his girlfriend.....its been months since we spoke and he speaks to her regularily while he is there in the office and i know i am the horrible wife who does not respect her elders...
and have i not looked after her...she has only cooked a meal twice in the 13 years of my marriage and not even once in my house inspite me being sick or anything....earlier she would tell me its the custom...sons mom don't cook....recently my husband told me its because i don't let her.....so clearly thats what she told him.i have taken her out on several occasions...bought her gifts....

I never said she could not come to our house and i will treat her like a guest and make sure her needs are looked after but that is about all...the onus of wanting a relationship with me and eventually with my daughter is upto her.
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Old 12th August 2010, 08:51 AM   #45
Raymond
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Re: I cheated on my wife.....feeling miserable

Hi NW. It seems that there are a lot of undercurrents apart from this awful affair as Sweetz suggests. It seems to me that there might be a control thing operating from his mother, like the apron strings were never cut. Most mums recognise the need to release their children from the nest but some never let them go and view other relationships, particularly marriage, as threats to the control they have over their children. It is not loving but selfish. This would probably explain why she was friendly to this girl as a temporary fling meant that she was getting more control back.

The truth of the matter is that marriage takes precedence over all other relationships and anything that goes against that should be resisted whether it's affairs or mothers. The only way to deal with it is to go against it. Your husband fears this but he has to do it to break free. He can still love her but he must resist any unhealthy control operating. Only he can do this. I know it's a powerful thing but it is an unhealthy thing. I hope you are listening Mr Nojoy.

With regard to the affair truth is paramount. Repentance means that one confesses all that they are guilty of without reservations. Any withholding is not true repentance. I am not saying that all the gory details need to be known as that would not always be profitable but the truth about situations without hiding needs to be confessed. I hope Noyoy can get to that place. If that hasn't full happened yet then it needs to happen.

Noyoy it is obvious that you are allowing your mother to have a detrimental affect on your marriage and something really needs to be done about it. I suspect you are controlled although you may not even realise it. She will have a limiting affect on you all your life unless you deal with it. It is true that we must love our mothers but that doesn't mean we should be controlled. Try and see the difference otherwise you will never fully grow up. I mean that. Break free and fully love your wife.

Raymond
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