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Old 13th November 2011, 12:32 AM   #151
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Well, the man you are now living with is "not your husband" by God's standards. So you can walk away without condemnation in His eyes since you never got married in the first place.

You both may feel married (as do others who shack up), but God has higher expectations for His children than just how we feel about the things we are doing. The woman at the well may have felt married too, but Jesus stated that she was not...He considers those who live that way to be living in a state of Fornication.

So the advice that you were given all this time on this particular forum was invalid for your particular situation because we all thought you were actually married and were advising you as if there were a Covenant sealed by God and the Law...no wonder you felt as if walking away were an option for you...it actually was!!

I understand that you came to find out how others handled the particular type of problem that you are having at home...but we could have told you things more in keeping with the whole situation had we known it.

So my advice (now) would be to get separated as soon as you are able to... you both need to decide on a date for a wedding as well as what is to be expected from each other within that Covenant.

There is no such thing as "common law" marriage in Gods economy unless you wish to think of yourself as an Old Testament Concubine....somehow I think He wants better for us women than that....and if that is how you wish to think of yourself, know this...concubines were not allowed to just up and leave when things got rough either. They just did not have the higher status of a real wife.

Last edited by Forever; 13th November 2011 at 12:40 AM.
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Old 13th November 2011, 01:07 AM   #152
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I just read, or shall I say re-read the passage of the woman at the well and there is a lot more to it than what you said to me, but the point is that I love him whether he be fiance or husband and I have still made a commitment to him. Why is it that before, when you thought we were married, you and others attitude was to just stay with him and take whatever he dished out and now you're telling me to dump him.

In reality you are saying that wives have to put up with whatever their husbands do and when you love someone but aren't married to him you don't have to put up with anything and you can walk away. Then you say to separate right away which really isn't something you should be saying. You shouldn't tell someone what to do and I have been married twice and I know the way this works.

Just because you're married it doesn't mean you have to just put up with your husband cheating, looking at porn and masterbation but some of the women on here do exactly that. I understand about what you say about a covenant and that marriage is one, and I say that you can be faithful and have a covenant or an understanding with a man you aren't yet married to.

I had my husbands cheat on me, this one has never done that. Yes,I can walk away at some point but only when God has released me to do so. God wanted us together in the beginning and if you knew how he was then you would understand. He has come very far, closer to God than he was before and it is our soul that God is concerned with first.

I think you should be very careful before telling other women to leave their men because they aren't married to them. First of all, I have a home with this man. You expect me to leave my home with all my things and walk away even though I have no finances at this time? I am not married to him but even if I were I would not expect him to pay for everything like most wives on here do.

I am still my own person and we still have built a home together and there is still love between us. A young christian might have taken your words to heart and actually packed up and left with no where to go and then where would she be? Is that what God would want? The answer is no. When I make a commitment to someone its a very serious thing and has nothing to do with us actually being married.

I know a common law marriage is not recognized by God or other people. I don't care about the other people but I am also not committing fornication, as you call it, I don't, because I am not sleeping with him and haven't been for over a year and even when I was I did not label it as a 'dirty' thing as you have insinuated. It was wonderful and he asked me to marry him and I said yes.

And what would anyone have said differently in the beginning? They wouldn't say, yes ,we know how you feel because my husband is cheating on me or my husband doesn't want sex or my husband looks at porn, etc.? If you ask me, the women on here have put up with far worse than I have had to put up with.

And yes, I can leave anytime but that would be the case if I was married to him also. I doubt the woman at the well felt married but we can never know that, God looked beyond her sin to her inner being and she wound up telling everyone about the messiah. You do not know what I had to put up with in my marriages. One was a drug addict and the other cheated on me and was mentally abusive to my son.

My fiance has never done any of those things and at first I didn't want to marry him and then the more I knew him, the more I loved him. We have been together for almost ten years but I haven't lived with him for all that time. Only since 2008 and I thought things would be so much different. I thought we would get married and live a happy life because we had been together for awhile and this is when I was not that close to God.

I won't explain why but a series of events transpired and so I wasn't going to church and even though I would pray, I was on my own course. Now I am back with God and I don't like the circumstances of not being married and the other things, but not being married is the least of it. I will not leave him as soon as I can, as you suggested, and you had no right to suggest such a thing.

If I leave it will be when I am able to do so, if I stay it will because God has willed it so. My intentions are honorable here and I thought I would be married by now, not that marriage is such an important thing to me, but because of what the bible says. He says when our finances improve we will get married and we discussed this again recently. His first marriage was done in Vegas and he wants us to have a church wedding with all the trimmings.

Now, if he decides to marry me, then I have to decide if I want to marry a man who doesn't want to have sex, and this is a problem for me. Whether I am married or not has nothing to do with the situation, it is still the same and I still have a problem here. If you are too prideful or think yourself too self righteous to understand what I am saying and sympathize, then don't respond, but I might remind you that pride cometh before a fall and you have no right to judge me.

Be careful, Forever, lest you take a less stronger christian down a path where she does not wish to go. Marriage has never been kind to me and so I must be sure that's what I want to do before joining the rest of the helpless wives you must always submit to their husbands every whim.
 
Old 13th November 2011, 01:47 AM   #153
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I would never judge anyone or tell them to leave someone and so I have to say if anyone cannot support me or understand then I really don't want to hear it. I am not into judging people or telling them they are wrong or condemning them. This is not what God wants. I have laid out my heart to people on this thread because I needed help. I certainly don't need to be judged or for someone to tell me whats in the bible when I already know it. If I wanted advice I would ask my mother and I have.

We are both praying for him but my mother, a true christian, does not condemn either one of us because she likes him and wants the best for me but even my mother put up with a lot from my step father who was a minister and she raised me to do the same thing from a young girl. She said I would have to submit whether I liked it or not but that I had to do what my husband wanted. I didn't buy it then and I certainly don't buy it now. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, an exchange of respect, not for the man or the woman to do ungodly things regarding sex, and for the other partner to just put up with it because they are married.

I don't think God wants women to lose their identity or self preservation just because they are married. I don't have to give up my mind and will just because the husband thinks he gets the last word. If a husband can show respect and welcome his wife's opinions then that is a different story but I have yet to see that in any marriage. My ex husband tries that with me, telling me the bible said he was head of household and I told him when he came up with something that made sense I would agree and go along with it but I certainly wasn't going to bow down to his decision just because he wore the pants in the family. If a married couple can't learn from each other and talk it over and be willing to listen to the other person's perspective, then that is no longer a marriage but a dictatorship.

If this is the last entry I do and the last time I read anything from anyone then I would still like to say thank you for all the positive comments and I am assuming that everyone else is supportive of me whether I am married or not.

Last edited by Baroness; 13th November 2011 at 02:02 AM.
 
Old 13th November 2011, 02:00 AM   #154
Forever
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness,
You have two choices. You can leave because you were never married in the first place...that is wonderful...changes everything because there is no legal or moral Vow before God and witnesses to have to worry about. I did not tell you to dump him...I advised you to move out (you had no business as a Christian shacking up in the first place) and establish a wedding date as well as expectations for what you both want and expect if you both decide to continue to go forward. That is going to provide you with a chance to think about whether or not you actually want to marry someone who will not perform....it will also give him a chance to realize what he stands to lose if he continues to not seek help for his problem.

Second choice is to keep your commitment to stay whether or not you marry....continue living in that situation as room mates and let the chips fall where they may. I think NOT being married is what gave you the idea of feeling you are "more free" to leave or to contemplate having an fling than what another married woman would have thought to do....and you are correct.

As for fornication...well, it seems that you were willing to continue in doing just that and would be STILL be doing so if your partner was willing or able to accomodate you. You had been up until a year ago...but your partner "petered" out. So do not pretend it was ever a pleasing thing to God, nor will it EVER be pleasing to Him in the future.

Please do not assign more to me than what I actually stated. I will not be fighting with you.

Last edited by Forever; 13th November 2011 at 04:21 PM.
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Old 13th November 2011, 04:58 AM   #155
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Baroness I have to agree with forever here.I was so suprised when you said that you arent married.
God cannot bless a relationship where the people arent married. It just doesnt happen. THis may be at the root of all your problems.
Why hasnt he asked you? What does that say to you that you have been togather for so long and he still hasnt committed 100% and you have allowed the situation to go on and on?

Now I know that in todays world, getting married isnt thought to matter, and many live together, but God does clearly tell us to marry and not live with a person. You say you have been engaged for 4 years, so whats stops you from marrying? Getting engaged is supposed to be the promise to marry. There is no point in waiting that long especially if you live together.
Forever, said to seperate UNTIL you get married and not for good. I think that may be a good idea in the circumstances actually.
It really doesnt matter what your mother thinks or what you feel, but what matters is what God says if you are a believer. You are both living in a sinful situation, you did have lots of sex initially and may have again if things change, so you do need to marry. Of course he has everything he wants as you are, so why does he need to marry you?. You are not young and there was no reason why you have needed to delay it for so long.

I think that you need to rethink the whole relationship and either both comitt 100% to marriage, (and you can marry in a very short time, you dont need much money) or consider parting if he refuses.

My sister in law was like you. She is a believer but she choose to move in with a non believing man, and couldnt see that it was wrong. Recently her faith has grown and God has been convicting her. After 6 years with this man, who still refuses to marry her, she has taken the hard decision to move out and end the relationship. She is very brave but has done the right thing. She is our age.

You 2 need to talk seriously about this, and if he wont marry you then you may need to reconsider the whole situation because I have to say, if a man wouldnt marry me, I would have been off long ago. THis is very serious baroness, and as forever says it does change everything. You have been asking God to mend that part of your relationship, and bless you both, when he clearly says that sex outside marriage is forbidden, so how did you expect Him to answer your prayers???? Get right with God, do what he tells us to do, and then pray for the healing of the relationship.
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Old 13th November 2011, 11:59 AM   #156
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi

I'm not planning to go back to re-read the whole account again but at some point, I did suss that out even though B kept saying "my H" or "our marriage" etc.

I even asked her a very direct question, "are you married?" before. She continued to describe this relationship as marriage. In a way, we were all misled by her account..not that I enjoy saying this.

We do pick up on other things e.g. intuition, even when someone says otherwise in their threads, don't we? Some people don't really tell the whole truth, unsurprisingly.Is this a deceit? I would say that we all need to be prepared to know that not everyone would recount the whole story as it is over a public forum where we could read only what they write but we fundamentally don't know the posters or the whole story. We all need to read things with a pinch of salt.
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Old 13th November 2011, 01:09 PM   #157
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile View Post
Hi

I'm not planning to go back to re-read the whole account again but at some point, I did suss that out even though B kept saying "my H" or "our marriage" etc.

I even asked her a very direct question, "are you married?" before. She continued to describe this relationship as marriage. In a way, we were all misled by her account..not that I enjoy saying this.

We do pick up on other things e.g. intuition, even when someone says otherwise in their threads, don't we? Some people don't really tell the whole truth, unsurprisingly.Is this a deceit? I would say that we all need to be prepared to know that not everyone would recount the whole story as it is over a public forum where we could read only what they write but we fundamentally don't know the posters or the whole story. We all need to read things with a pinch of salt.
Chamomile, I am usually very intuitive, and pick things up easily, but I never suspected that baroness wasnt married. I sort of feel we have been decieved, as all of our advise as Christians was given thinking that they were married. If I had known they werent, I would have advised her to either get married or seperate.This has been going on for so long and this vital and basic piece of information was not given to us for whatever reason.
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Old 13th November 2011, 03:55 PM   #158
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Chosen

I appreciate your sentiment and understand where you're coming from.
I'd say, at least, truth has come out (it often does).
I often don't believe everything ppl would say, on the forum.
Healthy dose of scepticism is unfortunately, necessary unless you know the person very well. The same thing in a real time situation. Maybe, I'm a bit too philosophical..x

xx
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Old 13th November 2011, 04:41 PM   #159
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I never pretended that it was right to sleep with him without being married but when this relationship started I was not with God, so to speak. I always loved him but I was doing things that I knew were wrong, drinking, sex outside of marriage, etc. Now I am back with God and my thinking is different. I was always grounded in God and the bible when I was younger and I haven't forgotten anything about what sin is and I am accountable for what I am doing now.

I am sorry that you all feel you have been deceived but in my mind at the time I felt married and I can't explain to you how I felt but since you were all supposed to be christians I wanted to talk to a christian because most of my life, that's what I have been and even though I wasn't walking as God would want me to I still loved him but I did what I wanted instead of what he wanted.

I'd gotten advice from non christians and didn't like what I heard so I came on here and didn't really know you were christians at first and then when I discovered you were I decided to hear what you had to say and it helped me because I was starting to pray again and I had already asked God to forgive me for my sins and I knew that he had.

Gabby had asked me to marry him before we moved in together and then he asked me again, or reaffirmed it about a month ago. I had a talk with him two months agp and said if he didn't want to marry me then that was fine but that I wasn't going to go to hell over a man and that the bible says we are committing fornication. At that time we were not sleeping together so we weren't sinning but I stated the facts to him anyway.

He said he wanted to marry me but we didn't have the money and that he wanted to have a wedding in a church because of being married at vegas with his first wife who was pregnant and so they had to get married. We discussed getting married in Lake Tahoe and having a few friends. I gave him an out and he insisted he wanted to marry me and then again last month he said he loved me and wanted to marry me.

I didn't feel comfortable telling him he either marries me or I'm leaving so I prayed that God would deal with him about this and my mother prayed as well and that was when he asked me. I was very upset last night when I read forevers post but I understand why she would say such a thing. I felt that same way about other women who were not married.

I wouldn't feel this way at all if I hadn't gotten closer to God and put him first in my life but I have and I can't regret and while I might not agree with the way you have told me the things you have, I know that you are right. I don't have a problem facing things head on or admitting that I have been wrong but I didn't intend to deceive anyone, I was just trying to see how a christian woman would handle such a situation.

I did not think of it as lying to you or deceiving anyone, I was only trying to reach out and get answers for the problem and in the process I came back to God fullforce and so now I have to deal with the situation I had gotten myself in a long time ago. I thought it would be so different. When we moved in I assumed we were going to get married, but it wasn't all that important at that time.

Now it is important and I have stressed to him how important it is to me and when I told him what it says about it in the bible he said the bible is open to interpretation. Being a christian most of my life and being brought up in an assembly of God church, I cannot agree with what he said. The bible is not open to interpretation and I told him this, its quite simple and straight forward but this is how he believes.

He believes that because we love each other its okay. My love has always been so strong for him that I didn't want to leave him, I wanted us to get married and I do believe God had some work to do in him and I believe I helped bring this about by showing him love. But now I feel I've done all I can and my situation is not changing and so I find myself in this terrible position where I'm going to have to tell him that I can't stay with him if we aren't married.

He is not going to like this because he will see it as me giving him an ultimatum; either marry me or its over. I never wanted to do that but now there are other aspects of this relationship that aren't right and it seems as though I have to make a choice and I don't want to make it. He has a lot of pride and won't like being told what to do but I have already told him how I feel and it apparently doesn't really matter.

He says when things calm down financially then we will get married. The thing is, ladies, I shouldn't have to try and convince him to marry me. I never had to convince my ex husbands and every man I've known has wanted to marry me. I have given this man everything and I know he loves me and yet a year ago when we did have the money, he chose to spend it elsewhere instead of marrying me.

This is very hard, I hope you understand that. It is especially hard because I still have feelings for him and I will have to leave or ask him to leave and I can't support myself right now. I know the type of man he is and this isn't going to go well, he will see it as me threatening to leave unless he does what I say and what man would like that?

I can't live like this, I believe in the bible and I can't do this anymore. I have given him every chance to make this right and now I just can't do this because deep inside me I have always felt guilty for being in this situation. I brushed it aside and prayed that he would do the right thing, as my mother says, and now I believe that he probably won't.

We are not sleeping together and haven't for a long time but it occurs to me that this is probably the reason why things are continually going wrong for us. I know things happen in life but the bottom line is, regardless of how I got here, I now have to put it all right and this is very scary for me because that means giving up our home together and our life together as well.

Months ago I had tentatively formed a plan in my mind that by next May, when it will be our 10th anniversary, if we still aren't married then I was going to sit him down and tell him that I can't live without being married. Actually, I had this plan after the first year we were here but didn't follow through with it because my head was in a different place and it didn't seem all that important to me at the time.

Now I have to put that plan into motion except that I can't wait until next May. I have no where to go and i've said I don't want to just leave all my things behind. I have prayed about this and told God if he wanted to me leave then to please supply the means to do so. I have prayed this way since I got back to God and I still can't get a job and now my back is hurt and i'm waiting for the disability decision and I will be going to court over it this January.

Why didn't God allow me to get a job so I could be self sufficient? I took it as he wanted me to stay where I was for whatever reason and of course I've gotten closer to him since then. The only thing God has said to me through another christian is for me not to worry about the future, that he had everything under control.

I can't go stay with my mother because she has my brother living with her now because his marriage has fallen apart and I can't go to my best friend near me because she has a house but isn't allowed to have someone live with her, so what am I supposed to do? Saying all this I still feel uncomfortable about just leaving him because I help with food and utilities and if I go he will lose this place.

The government does supply me with a small amount a month for 9 months but isn't enough to live off of. Its easy for you to say to just leave and work things out with him, or not, but I don't have anywhere to go really and I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't know what to do.

Some of the things all of you have said kind of hurt my feelings but I don't live in denial, I know I am in a situation where it isn't right and yet i've lived in it for a long time now, waiting for this man to marry me and he still says he wants to marry me. He is not going to understand me telling him I'm going to leave if we aren't married. To him, if you love someone, you are with them and he doesn't believe he or we are sinning at all.

I don't know what else to say except that i'm very upset over this and I know God is not the author of confusion. I have to pray about this and try to decide on how to even think about this much less what to do about it.
 
Old 13th November 2011, 05:54 PM   #160
Forever
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Baronness

Baroness,

The truth is something we as Christians can work with so thank you so much for your candid explanation of events.

Okay, now this would be my advice (if you wanted to hear it):

Remain right where you are as loving kind "room mates" until you see an opportunity to leave via God opening the door...(really,what else can you do?)...(note I did NOT say dump him...just tell him you are leaving and why it is Biblical if the opportunity presents itself).

Determine whether or not in your heart if it is right to marry this man due to his particular beliefs or if you even want to...ask God for His help in discerning His Will for this.

Dont ever bring up getting married to your fiance again. You dont even know for sure that you want to, given the "problem" he has, and he does not want the pressure or ultimatums coming from you...that has to be an inner conviction from his own heart.

If ( and this is a long shot...but never underestimate what the devil can produce once you make up your mind to resist him) your fiance suddenly presents you with an opportunity to have sex with him...sweetly tell him that you will take a "rain check" until after the wedding if there is going to be one. That will be pleasing to God and it is never too late to repent.

Hope you can receive the advice which is given in Christian love and concern. You have had a hard row.
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Old 13th November 2011, 06:50 PM   #161
Chamomile
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi

Yes. It's a difficult one.

I can almost put my money on that he's leading you on based on what you said in your recent post. He keeps promising a wedding "next month" then it turns into "next Spring" and then "next Summer" etc. Then it has to be another time again for various excuses e.g. not enough money and when he has money, he gives you another excuse for you to believe in and wedding simply never happens.

As you say, he won't be able to afford to rent a house alone if you had left and he knows you're not particularly happy about the situation but he keeps you hanging around suggesting a wedding on occasion whenever you complain. I'm fairly sure that he also knows that you won't be able to afford another place all on your own. Hence, the situation is in a constant stalemate.

It's just a hunch but my guess is that he's promising something he's not planning to deliver.
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Old 13th November 2011, 08:42 PM   #162
Baroness
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes! I can do that, Forever. I've been talking about it to God all morning and I thank you for your advice and I do accept it. I will do as you suggest and the time might come where he wants to have sex, he's come close, and I will tell him that I will wait until after the wedding, if there is going to be one. I also agree with you suggesting I don't mention marriage because I shouldn't have to force him to marry me.

If it isn't in his heart then why would I want to marry him? You are also right in me thinking about whether or not I should marry him and yes, the lack of intimacy in bed can be a reason but it isn't the main reason. I might could stay with him with little or no sex but what bothers me is that we are not on the same page in a lot of things. I am open and honest and would do anything for him and have an unselfish love.

He, on the other hand, seems selfish to me because he knows how I feel about us not having sex and he also knows how I feel about not being married. Besides that, we are very different. We never go anywhere and he will go to the bar upon occasion without me and doesn't care that I am not with him and I assure you it would be different if the situation were reversed.

But since I have committed my life to Christ I don't think I should be hanging out in bars anyway, in fact I know it, but that is his idea of going out together. Also, I am open and honest and he keeps things inside and is sometimes moody and sits there and doesn't talk for hours. Lets not forget the reason I have a problem with him, the lack of sex is only one example.

He is not a christian in the way that I am and I can't help but think there is a christian man out there who will go to church and believes in the bible the same way I do. I don't know for sure of course. The thought of leaving him kind of sends me into a panic because we've been together for so long but I have told God that whatever it takes; I want to be in his perfect will.

Chamomile also has a point. Even though he has brought up marriage to me three different times, he seems unwilling to set a date and gives me the same excuse. One year around christmas he said do you want an engagement right or to go to your mothers for christmas because I can't do both. Of course I said I wanted to go to my mothers.

Other than the times he brought up marraige,and all of them when he had had at least one beer, he does not mention it at all and just tells me to wait until our finances are better. My theory is that he's afraid of marriage since his first one went so badly but he should know by now that I'm not going to suddenly change once we're married.

I think he says he still wants to marry me because he's afraid of a confrontation if he is honest and says he doesn't. However; he would never admit he was afraid of marriage and I could be wrong on this because he is the one who keeps asking me when I'm not even talking about it. He also gives me excuses for him sleeping on the sofa and for not having sex.

Says he's tired or he snores or whatever, I'm not stupid enough to believe this because when he does sleep with me those problems don't seem to bother him in the least. He did sleep with me not long ago and just held me and nothing happened and months before we would be in bed together and he would say he loved me and then turn his back and go to sleep.

In other words, he's not interested in putting himself to any trouble on my account, to make me feel better and do I really want to marry a man like that? I would have a lifetime of the same kind of treatment unless what he's saying is true, and he's just tired or getting older or whatever. Our van is down now so he walks 3 miles every morning to go to the canyon and sometimes he gets a ride home. He walks that in one hour.

If he has the energy to walk 3 miles and then work up there and sometimes walk back, then he certainly has the energy to walk five steps into the bedroom. He says its because I'm on the computer but most nights I go to bed before him so that is just an excuse. I have to say neither one of my ex husbands ever made excuses for not sleeping with me and in a way its a slap in the face.

It isn't like I'm 300 pounds or something, I'm the same weight I was when we moved in there. I don't know the reasons behind this. I do know he does go to bed early and gets tired and sometimes takes a nap while watching tv but its clear I don't mean enough to him to make any kind of effort at all and its insulting that he thinks I actually buy these same excuses after all this time.

Now that I've said that I think that I shouldn't marry him. He has a kind heart and is decent but true love isn't like that. If the situation were reversed I would put myself out to sleep with him because I know it would mean a lot to him. You are also right in that he knows I have no money to support myself and so I am stuck here.

What I find is confusing is that sometimes he tells me he knows I'm going to eventually kick him to the curb when I get money and then at other times he will say that we are going to be together forever. Can you see how I might be confused? I'm beginning to think it doesn't matter to him if i'm here or not.

And yet the other day when I was helping my friend for most of the day and came home he said 'Honey, where have you been? I missed you!' I thought it odd because he's the one who drove me over there so why is he asking me where I've been? Man, this is a complex man and I know him better than anyone which isn't saying much, apparently.

I thank you for your input. Maybe I needed to get to this point, upset or not, to re evaluate my position in this relationship. To tell you the truth, even when I wasn't walking close to God, because of the way I was raised and my love for God, it always bothered me that we weren't married. In the beginning I could brush it aside, especially when he proposed, but now its a different story.

I think I haven't been told the truth about why he doesn't sleep with me. I know it isn't another woman because he only goes one other place, the canyon and I call there once in awhile and he is always there and then he comes home. I don't believe he would cheat on me because in his own sordid way he does love me.

And who would want a man who can't perform? I lived with it because I loved him but I will not put him before God anymore and that's basically what I've been doing even though I didn't think so at the time. God has been showing me some things about myself and others and you may think its crazy, but the other morning I anointed the walls of this place with oil and asked God to get rid of anything here that wasn't of him.

I'd been having nightmares and I included his m, if that is what he's doing but I haven't seen any signs of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. Anyway, I pleaded the blood on this household and cast out anything unclean or evil from this house. I was raised penicostal and this is what I was taught long ago and since then I haven't been having horrible nightmares.

I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions concerning this. One, I have loved him deeply and in many ways we do get along, and two, this isn't working for me anymore. I'm tired of being unhappy and guessing what his true motives are all the time. Why can't he just be honest? I've seen him bend over backwards to help someone and yet he can't even try with me. He puts no effort into this relationship.

Anyway, I will take your suggestions and think carefully about this and keep praying and even ask God for a sign and wait for the time when I need to make this decision, when the door is open. I feel that God will be with me no matter what happens but somewhere along the way God became much more important to me than this man.

I believe he loves God but I also believe he is limiting him. In the long run this could all be a good thing because God sees what's going to happen and sometimes when we're in the valley of despair we can't think beyond our own misery, but I trust God with my whole heart and I want to do what pleases him.
 
Old 13th November 2011, 09:05 PM   #163
Baroness
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Posts: n/a
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Yes! I can do that, Forever. I've been talking about it to God all morning and I thank you for your advice and I do accept it. I will do as you suggest and the time might come where he wants to have sex, he's come close, and I will tell him that I will wait until after the wedding, if there is going to be one. I also agree with you suggesting I don't mention marriage because I shouldn't have to force him to marry me.

If it isn't in his heart then why would I want to marry him? You are also right in me thinking about whether or not I should marry him and yes, the lack of intimacy in bed can be a reason but it isn't the main reason. I might could stay with him with little or no sex but what bothers me is that we are not on the same page in a lot of things. I am open and honest and would do anything for him and have an unselfish love.

He, on the other hand, seems selfish to me because he knows how I feel about us not having sex and he also knows how I feel about not being married. Besides that, we are very different. We never go anywhere and he will go to the bar upon occasion without me and doesn't care that I am not with him and I assure you it would be different if the situation were reversed.

But since I have committed my life to Christ I don't think I should be hanging out in bars anyway, in fact I know it, but that is his idea of going out together. Also, I am open and honest and he keeps things inside and is sometimes moody and sits there and doesn't talk for hours. Lets not forget the reason I have a problem with him, the lack of sex is only one example.

He is not a christian in the way that I am and I can't help but think there is a christian man out there who will go to church and believes in the bible the same way I do. I don't know for sure of course. The thought of leaving him kind of sends me into a panic because we've been together for so long but I have told God that whatever it takes; I want to be in his perfect will.

Chamomile also has a point. Even though he has brought up marriage to me three different times, he seems unwilling to set a date and gives me the same excuse. One year around christmas he said do you want an engagement right or to go to your mothers for christmas because I can't do both. Of course I said I wanted to go to my mothers.

Other than the times he brought up marraige,and all of them when he had had at least one beer, he does not mention it at all and just tells me to wait until our finances are better. My theory is that he's afraid of marriage since his first one went so badly but he should know by now that I'm not going to suddenly change once we're married.

I think he says he still wants to marry me because he's afraid of a confrontation if he is honest and says he doesn't. However; he would never admit he was afraid of marriage and I could be wrong on this because he is the one who keeps asking me when I'm not even talking about it. He also gives me excuses for him sleeping on the sofa and for not having sex.

Says he's tired or he snores or whatever, I'm not stupid enough to believe this because when he does sleep with me those problems don't seem to bother him in the least. He did sleep with me not long ago and just held me and nothing happened and months before we would be in bed together and he would say he loved me and then turn his back and go to sleep.

In other words, he's not interested in putting himself to any trouble on my account, to make me feel better and do I really want to marry a man like that? I would have a lifetime of the same kind of treatment unless what he's saying is true, and he's just tired or getting older or whatever. Our van is down now so he walks 3 miles every morning to go to the canyon and sometimes he gets a ride home. He walks that in one hour.

If he has the energy to walk 3 miles and then work up there and sometimes walk back, then he certainly has the energy to walk five steps into the bedroom. He says its because I'm on the computer but most nights I go to bed before him so that is just an excuse. I have to say neither one of my ex husbands ever made excuses for not sleeping with me and in a way its a slap in the face.

It isn't like I'm 300 pounds or something, I'm the same weight I was when we moved in there. I don't know the reasons behind this. I do know he does go to bed early and gets tired and sometimes takes a nap while watching tv but its clear I don't mean enough to him to make any kind of effort at all and its insulting that he thinks I actually buy these same excuses after all this time.

Now that I've said that I think that I shouldn't marry him. He has a kind heart and is decent but true love isn't like that. If the situation were reversed I would put myself out to sleep with him because I know it would mean a lot to him. You are also right in that he knows I have no money to support myself and so I am stuck here.

What I find is confusing is that sometimes he tells me he knows I'm going to eventually kick him to the curb when I get money and then at other times he will say that we are going to be together forever. Can you see how I might be confused? I'm beginning to think it doesn't matter to him if i'm here or not.

And yet the other day when I was helping my friend for most of the day and came home he said 'Honey, where have you been? I missed you!' I thought it odd because he's the one who drove me over there so why is he asking me where I've been? Man, this is a complex man and I know him better than anyone which isn't saying much, apparently.

I thank you for your input. Maybe I needed to get to this point, upset or not, to re evaluate my position in this relationship. To tell you the truth, even when I wasn't walking close to God, because of the way I was raised and my love for God, it always bothered me that we weren't married. In the beginning I could brush it aside, especially when he proposed, but now its a different story.

I think I haven't been told the truth about why he doesn't sleep with me. I know it isn't another woman because he only goes one other place, the canyon and I call there once in awhile and he is always there and then he comes home. I don't believe he would cheat on me because in his own sordid way he does love me.

And who would want a man who can't perform? I lived with it because I loved him but I will not put him before God anymore and that's basically what I've been doing even though I didn't think so at the time. God has been showing me some things about myself and others and you may think its crazy, but the other morning I anointed the walls of this place with oil and asked God to get rid of anything here that wasn't of him.

I'd been having nightmares and I included his m, if that is what he's doing but I haven't seen any signs of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't happening. Anyway, I pleaded the blood on this household and cast out anything unclean or evil from this house. I was raised penicostal and this is what I was taught long ago and since then I haven't been having horrible nightmares.

I feel like I am being pulled in two different directions concerning this. One, I have loved him deeply and in many ways we do get along, and two, this isn't working for me anymore. I'm tired of being unhappy and guessing what his true motives are all the time. Why can't he just be honest? I've seen him bend over backwards to help someone and yet he can't even try with me. He puts no effort into this relationship.

Anyway, I will take your suggestions and think carefully about this and keep praying and even ask God for a sign and wait for the time when I need to make this decision, when the door is open. I feel that God will be with me no matter what happens but somewhere along the way God became much more important to me than this man.

I believe he loves God but I also believe he is limiting him. In the long run this could all be a good thing because God sees what's going to happen and sometimes when we're in the valley of despair we can't think beyond our own misery, but I trust God with my whole heart and I want to do what pleases him.
 
Old 13th November 2011, 09:14 PM   #164
Forever
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Posts: 1,408
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

Hi Baroness,

I would like to clarify one of the points I made. Please, please, please do not sit Gabby down and announce to him that if the door opens that you are leaving. That alone will put pressure on him, and pressure is NOT what you have wanted to do to him...you wanted him to act on his promise to you on his own accord....and honestly, what would you be wanting to do at THIS point even if he did finally give you a ring and started making arrangements? Would you marry him?

If or when the time comes, you could simply tell him that you are now following Christ and want to repent of jumping the gun with having sex and moving in together during a period in your life when your walk was far away from God.

Just wait on that one and see what God puts together for you and see what He wants you to do. You two can be room mates "w/o privledges" for the time being given that you have now commited not to sin against God while being there....that is what God would have you do now...the rest remains to be seen as doors open. Has it ever occured to you that it was God that took away the sexual "opportunities" because He wanted to get your attention and get you following Him again? He is a jealous God and wants us to love and respect Him above our own desires.

You have alot to think about regarding the kind of man Gabby is and whether or not you could have committed the remainder of your life to him exactly as he is now.... I think it fair to say that if he is a true believer, then he wont necessarily be able to see everything as you do (that is why there are over 350 different denominations). We are saved by Faith in Christ, but that does not always mean we can agree perfectly. His life has settled down (improved) considerably since being with you, but you are both at an impass. Truth be told, Gabby, if he really wanted to have married you by now...would have secured a paying job...even a part time one....and yes, even at his age he is healthy and could have bagged one and paid for a sweet wedding. But why bother if he already had you there doing everything he wanted....

No, I do not think you are crazy about annointing your home...years ago, I had to have the Pastor and Deacons come to my house and do that very thing because there WAS something evil there (lots of undeniable evidence). I was too scared to do it myself. It is a long story, but when they left it was as if someone had scrubbed the whole house inside and out and even the air was pure and clean feeling. There was one particular room under the house that I was terrified to go into...after the Pastor left, I went in it and it felt safe and clean.

Hugs,
Forever

Last edited by Forever; 13th November 2011 at 09:56 PM.
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Old 13th November 2011, 10:02 PM   #165
chosen
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5,794
Re: Husband doesn't want sex

I think that you need to ask God to make it clear what he wants you to do.Pray and wait on him, because you know that He doesnt want you living with a man outside marriage.

Sometimes one spouse saying that they will marry you when they have enough money is an excuse. You dont need a lot of money to marry, we didnt spend much at all. You have both been married before, so dont need all the trimmings. The main thing for us was our married life together after the wedding, and not the wedding itself. We just had our 5 children and very close family and a small number of very close friends. 20 in all.(All my husbands family are in Australia anyway). My brother took the photos. We didnt have an expensive reception, just a nice meal together and it was great, so relaxed and informal and enjoyable. No stress, little expense, just happy memories.

I do think that the two of you need to seriously talk about this subject. As I said with my relative, her man refused to marry her, and so she knew she had to leave. She felt convicted not to stay with him any longer.The trouble is that when you have been living together for some times the need/urgency to marry just isnt there, unless you are a believer, beause to him, nothing will really change so whats the point? If you enable him to understand how very important it is for you to get married rather then live with him, then the ball is in his court.

Let God guide you and lead you the right way.I know you will.
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