Re: Advice and support needed please.
Oh I know I will need healing Raymond. This has been with me every minute of every day for five months now. Not since I discovered the adultery, or since he left, but since I realized the marriage was in trouble and he no longer loved me.
The more I think about it the more I realize that any reactions on my part were a direct consequence of his adultery. His withdrawal from the marriage, family life too, only wanting to take time with the boys socially. The need to maintain a double life was obviously taking it's toll. I hadn't a clue what was happening, it never entered my head for one minute, not even after he left. I was just left bewildered for all these years, looking for 'normal' things to blame things on.
I really do not know what will happen. It does seem that the wrestle with his conscience and the fear for his soul has already begun. How frequently he gets these attacks I haven't a clue, but obviously not enough for him to act upon. Whether he will eventually manage to put all this aside or finally have to act upon it I no longer know...I thought I did, but then again I thought a lot of things.
I know there is nothing I can do about this and it is not my concern. It may become my concern though if he decides he wants to return. There was a time when I had made this easy for him, I was prepared to make it as painless as possible for both of us. He didn't want to take this opportunity though. Now I realize the full scale of his betrayal I can no longer do this. The enormity of what he has done and the pain I have, and continue to experience, have cut too deep. It could be a long time before this happens and if it does I now know that the road back will be long and hard. It may now even be impossible.
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