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Old 1st April 2005, 04:15 PM   #1
robin
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Never have been in love with my husband

Came across this when searching on the internet about anything to do with "what to do when you admit to yourself and others that you don't love your husband and never have" I have been married for 13 years and have a 13 year old son from this marriage. We get on ok and my husband has unconditional love for me and is caring, kind, considerate and everything else positive you could imagine. However, I let myself be persuaded by him to go and live with him 16 years ago to help me get out of a difficult, cold, failing first marriage. He told me he would always love me, look after me and my 2 young sons and he was sure I would grow to love him. I was very emotionally unstable, with no money and let myself go along with everything he did for us. We are now financially stable with 3 well balanced sons, both of us have good jobs and on the surface everything is ok. However my feelings never developed as he had hoped, he is aware of this and still wants us to stay together.
Since admitting to close friends 3 months ago my thoughts about my marriage are in turmoil.
I don't know how I can carry on for the rest of my life sharing with a man I have no physical desire for. The feelings of guilt at how much I am hurting him by broaching the subject of what I have just written about are overwhelming, how can I live with myself if I leave after such a long time of being together.
I have had counselling recently and this has helped me see that I can't take full responsibility for my husband's happiness/unhappiness, but further than that I am not sure where or what to do. I would love to hear what others have to say on the matter. By the way I have tried to talk about how I feel to my 2 eldest sons and they have said they want me to be happy and would support any decision I make. my youngest son is totally oblivious to how I feel as we never argue or disagree in front of him. My husband has made it quite clear that he will remain in the marital home with our son as he is not the one who wants to leave. I don't know how I would live without the daily contact with him. my eldest are both away at university.
Thanks for reading this.


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Old 1st April 2005, 04:21 PM   #2
Springheeled Jack
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Let me tell you, I am in the position that your husband is is as my wife is very much like you.

You will so hurt him. He sounds like a great guy, so why are you hurting him. Yuo have everything so why are you going to throw it away. At the moomewnt I am fighting to save my marriage, my wife doesnt careless.

I really dont know what to do for the best as I feel I am fighting a losing battle. DOnt hurt your husband, I know as I am hurting so much with a woman that really wont care what she doe to me when she leaves me.

I gave her everything. Dont hurt yourt husband like I am being hurt. Please he deserves better.



SHJ
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Old 1st April 2005, 05:41 PM   #3
robin
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

He is a great guy and I will be forever in his debt for everything he has done for us all. Reading some of your other postings I don't think I am like your wife. I do care what leaving him would do and that is why I am still here. But reading some of the other replies to different letters does make me realize that we all only have one life and is it right that we should spend it making other people happy at the expense of ourselves? What do you or others think?
By the way I am 48 years old and could live for 0-30 more years like this.

Last edited by robin; 1st April 2005 at 05:58 PM. Reason: adding extra info
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Old 3rd April 2005, 02:36 PM   #4
roppelt
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Leaving him wont make you any happier, happiness is found within your self all you will do is create destruction with the way your going. don't look to him to make you happy he has enough to do with supporting you and trying to make sure you have what you need. emotions follow actions not the other way around act as if you love him, see to his needs. the more you give to someone the more you get in return. anger and hurt tend to build up over time and the smallist thing will set it off resentment. maby he has hurt you without even knowing he did so and you carry it around like a MILLSTONE around your neck always blaming him for whats not right with you. men and women look at things very differently whats important to you may be no big deal to him, not because he dose not care but because he dose not see it. men tend to look at the overall picture and women tend to look at the smaller things it's not a critsisum of you it's just what is. stop dwelling on your self and look outside and beyond to how you can do something for someone, see if the local hospital needs a hand for a hour or two a week. when was the last time you did something romatic for him...meet him at the door in you nighty or act a little agresive and make the first move? as a man I know that a Woman is the glue that holds a man together when our wives tell us it's over we tend to withdrawl into our selvs and away from everything elese incressing the problems in the marrige as we wont talk about things. find something in common with him even if it's a card game that you can play together. so stop stewing in your own juices and take proactive action. just my .02
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Old 5th April 2005, 02:53 PM   #5
cdaae665
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

I read your topic title and I had to reply because I am grappling with the same feelings as you. Of course, our situations are different. I married because I became pregnant and wanted our daughter to have Dad in her life. I care for him deeply, but at times wonder if I will ever be happy with him. We have other problems that compound this issue further.

I'm coming to realize that it is a lot about what you put into a marriage. If you sit and wait for him to evoke the feelings that you desire to have for your partner, it may never happen. And so you get stuck in that cycle of waiting and wondering. A lot of people are lucky enough to have that connection established before they marry. But even then, it takes effort. You have to be active. I've always operated on the fantasy idea that if it's meant to be, no work is required. Now, I'm not so sure if that's true.

I've never committed 100% to my marriage for the simple fact that I wasn't ready for it and didn't feel the same as him when we married. But it felt that marriage, at the time, was the right thing for us and for our daughter. Like you, I thought my feelings would grow. But how could I expect them to grow if I didn't add fertilizer, sunlight, and water? I've read about a lot of marriages that have been saved by active participation from each partner. Consider your marriage a fragile, withering tree. It needs cultivation to flourish. I suffocated those feelings before they even had a chance to grow.

Now we are at a crossroads and I have to decide: Do I stay and put in the time and effort to become an active partner in my marriage (what if nothing ever comes of it?) OR Do I break his heart and break our little family in two and hope for the best (even further compounding my problems and the problems of those I love)? I've come to the latter conclusion many times, but I'm never able to go through with it for the guilt that I didn't do my best and the pain I know it would cause. If I decide to stay, and put my 100% best into it, and nothing comes of it? It's highly unlikely that if I invest part of myself that I won't get anything in return. But if nothing comes of it, then maybe I can make a rational decision about letting go and moving on.

It seems that if we are meant to listen only to our emotions, chaos would be perpetuated by the fleetingness of our emotional states. There are probably lots of others you would be compatible with, but before you even consider that, consider that your own happiness needs to come from within. You put a lot of expectation in your husband (or others) to turn your head completely around and control your feelings. Try and put that expectation on yourself. If you have a purpose, if you are in control of yourself, rather than waiting for something/someone to spark your emotions, spark your own emotions, you might just find that your beautiful family is more important than fleeting emotions and prince charming fantasies.

Yes, happiness is important. But happiness is not something that is granted. It is not a gift, it is a state of mind. It does not come from the world, it comes from your interactions with the world. I am in the process of figuring this out for myself. It's very difficult. You aren't alone. Be thankful that your husband is reliable, responsible, and emotionally supportive. My husband has the tendency to be emotionally immature to the point of wreaking havoc on his own life. So, even though I love him, I feel very motherly towards him (and in turn, resentful). Our relationship is in a dire situation because we both have let go and turned away from problems rather than being active in both our lives and our relationship. These are just thoughts I want to share in hopes that you will be comforted knowing someone else is out there, feeling the same. I Wish you the best.

Last edited by cdaae665; 5th April 2005 at 03:06 PM.
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Old 5th April 2005, 05:12 PM   #6
robin
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Thanks for your message today. I am getting the feeling from those posting on this thread that for me to leave my marriage would be the wrong thing to do. I am going to seriously take on board everything that has been said and not do anything in a hurry which I may regret later. However, I know deep down that I will never be able to have genuine desire and physical attraction to my husband despite all of his wonderful qualities. I am absolutely certain about that, but as one of my close friends has said to me "you have dug yourself a very deep hole which is impossible to get out of". Someone earlier in the thread talked about doing more fulfilling things like voluntary work and kind things for my husband. I already do that sort of thing in my life, I work in the caring profession, teaching infants fulltime, and take great care, materially, of my husband, and both materially and emotionally of my children.

I am beginning to think that I cannot consider leaving until my youngest is 18+, in 5 years time, as I have an obligation to give him as "normal" a childhood as possible. After all. I have already taken the eldest 2 away from their natural father when they were very young, what right have I got to do that to a third child? In my defence I would add that my eldest 2 have a marvellous relationship with both of their "dads" and there was never any difficulties over access etc, which enabled them to grow up to be very well adjusted boys with very good self esteem etc.
I know what is the right thing to do for everyone else, so why do I feel so desolate for my own future? Do you think it is possible that I will come to terms eventually with my "confession" and be able to move forward into some sort of relatively "happy" marriage where my husband and I both feel contented? Would welcome any views please!
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Old 5th April 2005, 10:14 PM   #7
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Robin, if you can have a happy marriage in which you feel fulfilled with your present husband whether you love him or not , then your youngest child will benefit , however if you can't, then in my opinion your child will know this . Marriages break up for many reasons and the children must always come first, but, providing they have loving caring parents, even if they don't physically live with both of them, then they will grow up to be balanced individuals .
Ask yourself this, at what point do you feel you would have the right to be happy ?
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Old 5th April 2005, 10:21 PM   #8
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Whilst it's true that happiness originates from within, it is extremely difficult to be happy when you know you are not living in truth. Denying your own feelings to protect someone only brings more unhappiness to all concerned in the future. When I left my husband after 18 years, 13 or so of them married ones, he thought his life was over, but it wasn't, instead it gave him the opportunity to find someone who he loves and who loves HIM. We are now friends, and that's what we should always have been . Regardless of how I tried to hide my true feelings from him, he has admitted that he always knew I didn't love him as a husband but he was prepared to " put up with that " and I quote as long as I stayed. Now he has someone who returns his love, he knows what was missing. I don't think Robin is dwelling on herself, she has probably, as I know I did, tortured herself, been through the guilt and deliberated long and hard, as well as tried to feel love for her husband, feelings can't be forced, yes they can grow, but at the end of the day, how long do you wait ?
Helen
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Old 6th April 2005, 12:04 AM   #9
Concerned Reader
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Dear Helen

Robin has a great deal at stake because she has her professional standing to consider. As a teacher, one of the primary concepts she has to deal with is the idea of making and keeping a promise. It could be very undermining to her professionally to be standing before a child - or parent - and asking for people to honour their committments, only to have them jeer 'Why should we? You don't.'

Robin made a free contract and has benefited from it; she is just wondering about how open-ended it is. In the case of marriage...very. However, she probably can squeeze by if she waits a few years until the boy is an adult and if she is very, very apologetic to her H who has done nothing worse than keep his promise.

The price for her divorce (which I personally wouldn't recommend) is that she will carry responsibility for the break-up and she had better be very sure that she is going to be happy with what she chooses as men like her H are rare. I wouldn't put money on finding another one as good as that. Being brutal, the eldest children are grown, Robin is not getting any younger, the pool of available partners is getting smaller (unless she is going to start looking for the toy-boys, and they are notorious for running off after five years when the older women start hitting the menopause) and of the available men, most of them have also experienced divorce and have complicated families. Some of them might be paragons who were divorced against their will, but a fair number may have been divorced for very good reasons. Robin may be choosing not between a dull marriage and great passion, but a dull marriage and being alone.

(Some people like being alone, but Robin has indicated that she seeks passion and engagement.)

With the risk to her professional standing, the unknown effects on the children, the poor chances of finding another partner who can hold a candle to the one she has now.... I'd say it was time to find all the attactive things about this man so that she can and give the marriage one last big try to make it as good as it could be. After she has done that, if still necessary, then it is time to answer the question 'how long do you wait?'

Personally, in nice comfy billet like that, I could take a couple of decades to reach an answer.
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Old 6th April 2005, 09:43 PM   #10
Alexis
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

I can undrstand where you are coming from Robin.

But to put you in the picture my Husband has just left me two weeks ago with the excuse of he loves me but is not inlove with me therefore is not happy. He has left me with our two children only aged 3 and 17 months. He is in contact with them and has said he will always look after me nad support us all and never see us struggle or go without.

All I can say is for the past year whilst he has been feeling all this and not telling me and letting me go on and plan our baby I feel utterly used, a total waste of precious time.

If you try to end it all now you are just admitting that you have used him and your situation for comfort. You cannot play with peoples emotions like this, it hurts more and life is too short to hurt and be low.
Sorry to sound so bleak and brutally honest but thats how it is.

Alexis
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Old 7th April 2005, 04:26 AM   #11
squeeky
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Has anyone left a marriage because they weren't "in love" and had a positive experience? Ie, found happiness? I wonder about the problem being within myself and therefore I stay.....

Squeeky
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Old 7th April 2005, 04:10 PM   #12
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Squeeky

I have. I stayed with my ex husband for many reasons, gratitude etc, but in the end , and after 5 years of co habiting and 13 years or so of marriage, I left. At first he was devastated, although he had always known I didn't love him. It was hard for me to walk away from the love he had for me and security, but, it was unfair on both him and myself to stay.
He now has a person in his life whom he loves and who loves him, we have an exteremely good relationship ( it is now almost 3 years down the line ) and are very good friends, that's what we were for many years before we married, and that's how it should have stayed. I am also happier, life is not perfect, but it's better than it was.
Just to address a point made by the person who's husband has left , yes it feels like the end of the world , and believe me I've been there bigtime, but what's worse, your partner being honest and leaving, giving you the chance to rebuild your life ? Or him staying and being dishonest about how he feels ? Harsh I know, but people fall out of love, people change, sometimes people marry for all the wrong reasons and hope that the love will come. When someone leaves you , you have to go through a grieving process, you feel angry, shocked , sad, all raw emotions, but eventually you start to feel yourself moving on, now my ex realises that for the 18 years we were together, he never had a marriage, just half a one, being in a new relationship has proved that what I tried to explain to him when I left was true.
Helen
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Old 7th April 2005, 04:22 PM   #13
robin
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Helen, good to read your messages. Still not sure I can leave my 13 year old, I must be there for him 24 hours a day and put his needs before my own. That is my obligation as a parent.

I have been given lots to think about by people posting on this thread and am not going to make any rash decisions whilst I am feeling so down. In fact I have visited my doctor today and he has put me on anti-depressants - I know that they won't solve anything, but they may enable me to get back on an even keel, to a state I was in before my "confession" and make a more rational decision about the future of this marriage. At this time I am veering strongly towards staying out of duty, trying to work on the positive aspects of our relationship, but all the while I have a sinking feeling that this will not ultimately be "healthy" for me or my husband. He knows about the medication and realises I am staying mainly for our son's sake, but still wants me here under any circumstances.
Thank you for listening
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Old 7th April 2005, 06:29 PM   #14
helenrw200
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Hi robin
As I said , ultimately the decision is yours, no one can know what is right for you and your circumstances except you and I would in no way want to influence you, I just wanted to show that there are 2 sides to every situation, and the outcome doesn't have to be bad either way. My son was 12 when my husband and I split, and is also autistic, which made the decision even harder for me , but in my case there was no doubt that my son would come with me, if I'd have had to leave him behind, I'm pretty sure my decision would have been to stay, so I empathise with you . The a/d's will probably help a great deal, and you will at least feel calm about whatever decision you make. I wish you all the very best.
Helen
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Old 8th April 2005, 03:36 AM   #15
cdaae665
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Re: Never have been in love with my husband

Robin,

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here to this post. This is the first time I've found people whose feelings are similar to my own. I hope you didn't take my post as saying your decision is wrong. I have no idea of the details of your life and situation, so I hope you didn't take it that way. I guess that I am trying to make sense of my own problems by taking in advice from many different people. A lot of people say that divorce can be avoided, marriages can be saved, if people learn to interact in different ways. But, I'm starting to see that it really does depend on personal experiences and individual ideals.

I get a lot of input both for and against saving an unsatisfying marriage, but what it all boils down to is what is true in your own heart. Like Helen said, keeping the truth about yourself from someone you love can be damaging to all involved, even yourself.

It's a very hard decision, but it seems like you've thought it through a lot and you just want to make it as smooth a transition as can be expected. I'm reading a pretty good book called Should I Stay or Go by Lee Raffel (a marriage counselor). It's about controlled separation that provides an organized approach to a very agonizing decision making process. It has a lot of ideas on how to repair a broken marriage, and it also has advice about how to divorce in a way that is easiest on all involved.

Sarah
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